I was kinda surprised that the Movie House has no review of Desperado! Well, anyway, if you're reading a celebrity nudity page you probably know what it is all about. Here is the famous love scene between Salma Hayek in her prime and Banderas at his sexiest (zipped .avi), as described by Rodriguez on the DVD commentary.



The Notebook is a chick-flick for the young 'uns.  As I wrote in my review, it is probably the highest-rated film of all time among females under 18 - it's rated 9.3 by that group, far higher even than Amelie, and that's with nearly 2000 such votes! I have no special enthusiasm for it, but most guys rate it fairly high at IMDb, so by (male) definition it makes a good date movie - a painless way to get women in a romantic mood. Rather surprisingly, there is a fairly good sex scene in the movie, and some pretty steamy action in the deleted scenes. This zipped .avi represents the deleted footage of Rachel McAdams.

Here's a sample capture:



The Principles of Lust is utter shit as a movie, but is pretty decent mainstream porn, including some unsimulated fellatio, and some spread shots. (Regrettably not from Sienna Guillory.) Go to the Movie House Review and check out the nudity recap, and you'll see what I mean. Here are the details:



Army of Darkness (1993)

These comments refer to the Director's Cut:

Here's a question you can debate amongst yourselves. Who is the best looking man to do silly, lowbrow, slapstick, rubber-face comedy? You might make a good case for Jim Carrey, who is a good-looking guy and began his career as Ace Ventura and The Mask, but I'd have to say Bruce Campbell has an even better case. He is an extremely handsome guy, probably the best looking guy in the history of comedy, possessing looks on a par with Errol Flynn or Robert Taylor or Brad Pitt or any of the great leading men, but also possessing a silly sense of humor that makes him more comfortable doing the kinds of physical schtick you might expect from Carrey or Chris Farley or John Cleese. In essence, he is Curly Howard in George Clooney's body.

The big questions are: "How many roles are there for Curly Clooney? And what kinds of roles?"

The answer came from the genius of writer/director Sam Raimi. We all know that Sam broke the box office bank with the Spider-Man movies, but before he did that he had one of the most diverse resumes in Hollywood. He directed The Gift, and was thus the only guy to get Katie Holmes topless before Tom Cruise came along. Before that he created the Evil Dead horror franchise, which pitted the living against the resurrected dead. Army of Darkness is a part of the latter, and was originally to be titled Evil Dead 3 until some studio mucky-mucks determined that it should have a more mainstream title that would appeal to those who hate fanboy movies. That actually made some sense, because Army of Darkness is only a horror/adventure movie in its basic structure. At its heart, it is pure slapstick comedy. In fact, it is filled with conscious homages to the Three Stooges and others who created the slapstick landmarks in cinema history. The lead role therefore called for a guy who could look like George Clooney, deliver snide zingers like Harrison Ford, and do schtick like Curly Howard.

Talk about a custom fit for Bruce Campbell.

Campbell plays Ash, the hero of the Evil Dead movies, who is normally a clerk in the housewares department of one store in the S-Mart chain of discount mass merchandisers. His job doesn't sound like a bona fide occupational qualification for an anti-zombie warrior, but his knowledge of hunting shotguns and power tools actually comes in quite handy in the wars against the dead. He wields a chainsaw over his severed right hand, and shoots the shotgun with his left hand. Never mind that he never needs ammunition, or even to reload the shotgun. That's all part of the fun. For you see, Army of Darkness is not an action/horror movie, but a spoof of one written by an insider. There are plenty of genuine feel-good moments in the battle against the dead, but the film is a comedy first and foremost. It is to sword and sorcery movies as Police Squad is to cop films, or as Blazing Saddle is to Westerns.

Imagine Conan the Barbarian armed with modern weapons and driving a car, and you'll get the general idea. Our housewares clerk gets transported to England in the 1300s, where he proceeds to play the ultimate "ugly American." He refers to the locals as "primates," and tells the wenches to "give up some sugar, baby." When he's not insulting them, he's screwing up their lives by unleashing an army of the dead, all because he was too lazy to memorize some magic words properly. Fortunately, he can get the locals out of their predicament by using the stuff in the trunk of his 1973 car, which was transported to the past with him. There's his shotgun, his chainsaw, his Chemistry 101 textbook (he's obviously one of the more scholarly S-Mart employees), and the car itself. Along the way there are several comedy set-pieces in which Ash battles a full-sized clone of himself, or several Lilliputian clones. At one point he becomes a two headed man and has to engage in a fistfight against himself.

It's a lot of fun, but the director's cut is also one of the most maddening films I've ever watched, because of the inconsistency of its pacing. There are some great action scenes with almost no comedy, and those flow along beautifully. There are some scenes with no action which are carried by Ash's zingers, and those flow as well. Where the film annoys is in the comic battle scenes. Some of the slapstick action is so funny and so liberally peppered with Ash's barbs that it has me laughing out loud, while there are other times when it's so silly and so dragged-out that I just have to reach for the fast-forward button. I'm sorry, Raimi, but the Three Stooges have to be taken in very small doses, and some of the comic schtick-fights in Army of Darkness just go on and on and on. Having said that, though, I'll add that this is one of the ultimate movie experiences for boys 8-14! Nyuck, nyuck.

Anchor Bay has released a two-disk special edition of the movie, and it's well worth the look. The first disc is the usual stuff. There's a 4:3 theatrical version of the film, and a 16:9 as well. There's a "behind the scenes" featurette. Solid, but nothing so memorable. The treasures are to be found on Disk Two, in which Raimi presents a widescreen version of his original director's cut, which includes 15 minutes of fully-integrated footage which has never been seen in theaters, as well as four more deleted scenes which are not in either version of the film. There is also a full-length commentary by Raimi, Campbell, and Raimi's screenwriter brother.

It's fanboy heaven.

Even if you are not a fanboy, there are at least two good reasons why you should watch the director's cut.

1) There is a brief sex scene involving Campbell and Embeth Davidtz. If the lighting had been favorable, this would be a major reason to watch the film, but the scene takes place at night, outdoors, and in the 14th century, so there aren't a lot of light sources available. The one source of light, a bonfire, is behind them, so they are basically in silhouette. You really can't even tell whether Embeth is topless. Even at that, it's still nice to watch.

2) The director's cut includes Sam Raimi's original ending. Raimi screened his original version of the film for the suits at Universal Studios, and they weren't satisfied. They thought it was too long and the ending was too depressing, so they made him re-write the ending and chop some fifteen minutes of footage elsewhere.


The studio guys may have been right about the pacing of the film. My comments above are about the director's cut, and you will note that I also found some scenes to drag on much too long.

But the suits were VERY wrong about the ending.

The original conclusion is one of the greatest endings in film history - sheer genius - a brilliant comedic riff on the ending of "Planet of the Apes." Ash seals himself in a cave where he cannot be disturbed over the centuries, then takes the magic potion which will make him sleep from the 1300s until his own time. He wakes up and crawls outside. We see his face. He is in shock. The camera then shoots the next scene from behind him, so we can share his P.O.V. It is a post-apocalyptic London, lifeless and nearly destroyed. Big Ben is to this scene as the Statue of Liberty is to Planet of the Apes. Ash shouts something like, "Shit! I overslept!" Credits roll.

On the other hand, the revised ending is just plain lame. Ash rides off into the sunset from the medieval castle. In an abrupt cut, he's back at S-Mart, telling his co-workers, " ... so I took the potion, and here I am," as if all the preceding action had merely been a whopper of a tale spun by a pathological liar. His colleagues are understandably incredulous until some evil entity or another chooses to show up in the housewares department, whereupon Ash, normally a humble store clerk, turns into an action juggernaut and destroys the monster, impressing the hell out of those who came for the Blue Light Special.


Note that the low critical scores for this film are largely irrelevant to what I am a writing about above. They are reviewing an 80-minute film with a lame ending, and I am reviewing a 96 minute film with a great ending. Big difference. The director's cut of this film, while not without flaws, is much better than the two and a quarter stars it received from critics on the average (57/100 per Metacritic). It is definitely recommended for those with the appropriate interests and an agreeably juvenile sense of humor.


Embeth Davidtz

Here's the film clip (zipped .wmv).



Red Passport (2003)

A counterfeiter named Fabio has been sprung from a 25 year jail sentence after only ten years. He wants to go straight and get reacquainted with his daughter. There's a catch. Isn't there always? A few mob guys know that Fabio can create a large quantity of counterfeit bills, and they won't let him live in peace until he delivers two million dollars worth to them. He needs two plates to do the job. He knows where one of them is, but has to track down the other in a very short time. This leads him along a path which includes former friends and enemies as well as his treacherous ex-girlfriend.

Red Passport was released to DVD this week, but was actually made three years earlier. It made the rounds to some three dozen film festivals internationally, but never managed to secure any kind of lucrative distribution deal. That's not surprising because Red Passport covers familiar ground and was made with an ultralow budget, so the film hasn't much commercial appeal. The plot and characterizations are typical, and the action scenes suffer from extreme budget shortfalls. In fact, even the limited attempts at physical action are generally confusing and mishandled.

Nonetheless, the film is not a write-off. Although Red Passport is not a great film nor a particularly original one, there are indications that the auteur may some day do much better. It was written and directed by Albert Xavier, who was born in the USA, raised in the Dominican Republic, then educated at the NYU film school. His film does have a little humor, a little sex, lots of local color, and two more significant elements which balance off the films shortcomings enough to make it a worthwhile watch for film junkies.

First, the performances are not bad. Frank Molina is pretty solid in the lead, but I'd say Frank Medrano probably stole the show. Medrano has been in many major movies like Shawshank and The Usual Suspects, always delivering solid characterizations in small roles. Odd-looking older guys like him don't usually get a chance to play big roles, so he jumped on this chance to be a bigger fish in a smaller pond. It was a good opportunity for him that turned out to be good for the film as well because he brings professionalism, credibility and humanity to the part of Fabio's crippled ex-partner who's trying to live a decent life and to atone for some of the mistakes he made in the past.

Second, the film represents a rare look at the Latin American community in the semi-suburban areas of the Outer Boroughs of New York. It includes some decent, normal people as well as criminal types.  Although you may have seen other films with similar themes and plots, you might find Red Passport to have a little different flavor.

Maite Bonilla





Colbert asks if Joe Lieberman has enough Joementum to get to Stephen's studio before Primary Day

Jon Stewart reviews the media coverage of Mel Gibson

The Daily Show's Jason Jones is now Brooklyn's official lifeguard

The Daily Show: Castro's Health
  • "Castro may be a bad man, but it's gotta hurt when people dance in the streets when you're ill."

Jason Jones takes a look at the poor insurance companies huddling together for wealth.


See the trailer for Revenge of Mr. Willie
  • This isn't like most of the trailers we link to, but a B-movie featuring Mel Gibson's girlfriend, Diane Alouise. (She's the long-faced blond. See the story below.)

My wild nights of passion with Mel Gibson. More wacky hijinks with Holy Mel (This one dating back a few years)

Guess Who's Coming to Iftar
... An American journalist has a meal to remember with Hezbollah

Weird legal news: Passenger Fights DUI For Steering As Driver Ate

Headline of the day: "Dog goes berserk, destroys Elvis' teddy bear" Yes, it is THE Elvis.

Oklahoma's starting quarterback has been booted from the team.

Even more scary clouds

And still more spooky clouds

Oh-oh. I started an unexpected chain of events with the "spooky clouds" link. How could I know people are really into clouds and would send more links? Geez, maybe I should register! More unusual clouds

The Daily Show: "Castro is now recuperating in his humidor where doctors have upgraded his condition from maduro to robusto."

Spooky: a Lenticular Cloud Over Hawaii

In a 'For your consideration' Emmy Award ad for the infamous Tom Cruise 'Trapped in the Closet' episode of 'South Park,' the text reads, 'C'mon Jews... Show 'em who really runs Hollywood.'" (With a picture of the ad)

The pilot for Batgirl

"Say, isn't that your youthful ward, Dick Grayson?"

Opie Gets Laid
  • "'Opie Gets Laid' is an often offensive but thoroughly hilarious comedy centering around a porn-watching, food-obsessed loner whose life is changed when a slightly lost (but insanely attractive) pot delivery girl (April Wade) decides to 'improve' him. Although viciously funny, 'Opie Gets Laid' also manages to deliver intricate character development and great production values on a budget of under $100,000."

VIDEO: "A screen test that Bruce Lee took at one point in his career."

Bin Laden Offers Mel Gibson Anger Management Lessons ... Calls Actor's Drunken Rant 'A Cry for Help'
  • "Listen, I'm all for blaming things on the Jews, but this guy went too far," said Mr. bin Laden.

MTV's entire first hour on the air

Space tourists have stars in their eyes

'Entourage' creator Doug Ellin slipped EW a copy of Johnny Chase's resume -- take a look for yourself 

The 10 Best Will Ferrell Skits of All Time - with videos of each.

Shoeless "Joe Jackson gave his account of the Black Sox scandal to a reporter for the Atlanta Journal Constitution, Furman Bisher. The account was published in the October, 1949 issue of SPORT Magazine." Here's the SPORT Magazine account

Famous Trials throughout history

South Park - Professor Chaos

Is YouTube now bigger than MySpace? As Dalton would say, "Opinions vary."

Colbert's advice crashes Wikipedia's servers

Eight clips from World Trade Center, Oliver Stone's take on 911

The Slashdot Crowd discusses: HD DVD vs Blu-ray: Direct Comparisons

Stephen Colbert Roasts Chevy Chase in 2002



Movie Reviews:

Yellow asterisk: funny (maybe). White asterisk: expanded format. Blue asterisk: not mine. No asterisk: it probably sucks.


The Last Days of Chez Nous (1992)

The Last Days of Chez Nous is an ensemble drama centered around an unusual family. Jean Pierre (Bruno Ganz) and Beth (Lisa Harrow) have lost whatever passion they once had. He is French, and fancies himself a great cook, but feels lonesome and alone. She is a best-selling writer. Their daughter, a university student, lives with them. To this mix comes Beth's young sister Vicki (Miranda Otto), pregnant and a failure as a world traveler. Beth is anxious to make peace with her father before he dies. The last member of the household is a piano teacher who moves in, and has a harmless flirtation with the daughter. Beth convinces Vicki to have an abortion, then takes a trip with her father. Vicki sees a birth on TV, Jean Pierre comforts her, and the two end up in love.


  • Ebert liked it very much at 3.5 stars.
  • Berardinelli was indifferent at two stars.
  • Rotten Tomatoes says 89% of the reviews were positive.
  • It won an AFI for Lisa Harrow.
  • IMDb readers have this at 7.0. Even though it is a favorite film among the women's studies crowd, the male/female vote differential is not that great.

I very much enjoyed the first act, getting to know the unconventional family, but cared less about it as the plot progressed. This is a C- as a low budget art house effort.

Lisa Harrow shows breasts very briefly in bed with Jean Pierre.







The photogs catch Claire Danes falling out of her top, or would have if she actuallt had anything to fall.

Jessica Simpson, on the other hand, has plenty for both of them, and the photogs caught her in some see-through action.


Pat's comments in yellow...
CNN-IBN News in India set up a sting and videotaped doctors allegedly offering to maim beggars so they could make more money.  One doctor suggested that a beggar let him remove a leg, then chop three fingers off his left hand for a 10,000-rupee fee ($215 US).  Another told a beggar that he could stitch up a blood vessel and bring on gangrene in a healthy limb.  He was taped saying, "Believe me, if there are two beggars in front of you and one of them is lame, you will give the money to the lame beggar."
*  They promise you'll be just a hop, skip and a jump from financial independence.
Charlie Watts and Keith Richards have turned their finances over to a foundation in Holland to set up trusts so their heirs won't fight over their money after they die.  The move resulted in the release of documents showing how shrewdly the Stones have handled their money.  For decades, they've secretly invested it in Holland, where there are no direct taxes on royalty income.  In the past 20 years, they've made over $400 million (US) and paid less than $7 million in taxes, for a tax rate of 1.6 percent.
*  Who knew "Gimme Shelter" was about tax shelters?


Officials in Hungary held an online vote to let citizens name a new bridge, and so far, the leading choice is "Chuck Norris Bridge"

* Approach it the wrong way, and it'll throw you into the river.