L'Ossessa (1974) is an Italian Exorcist clone. For quite some time, Italy was remaking US hits at a fraction of the cost, and making a good profit doing it. This film features Stella Carnacina as the possessed young woman. She works doing art restoration. When she starts restoring a crucifix from a defunct church, the figure comes alive as Satan, rapes her, and then possesses her. Before this, we see her mother, Lucretia Love, having sex with a boyfriend at a party while her husband is downstairs. Not just sex, mind you, but sex that includes being beaten by roses with thorns. Stella witnesses this, goes back to the office, and has her run-in with Satan. From there, it pretty much follows the plot of The Exorcist.
Both women show everything, but the scene with Carnacina is very dark, and, to make matters worse, this was clearly mastered from a VHS that was in turn created from mismatched reels in very bad shape. It is full of 1 to 3 second gaps in the badly dubbed audio, and different reels have faded to different colors. IMDB readers have this at 3.4 of 10. It has been variously known as The Devil Obsession, The Eerie Midnight Horror Show, Enter the Devil, The Sexorcist and The Tormented. You would be well advised to avoid it under any of its names. D.
"Sunday Bloody Sunday"
Sunday Bloody Sunday (1971) is Awful Bloody Awful. As there is no real plot, the best I can do is talk about some of the things that we are treated to. We see Peter Finch dial a rotary phone, then have a long series of establishing shots where we trace the phone cables to the switch office, watch the rotary switches and relays click into place, hear the phone ringing on the other end, and nobody answers. We get to watch Finch's nephew at his Bar Mitzvah. We also see Glenda Jackson discover a spilled ashtray on the floor of her apartment, pick it and the butts up, and then grind the ashes into the carpet with her shoe. We are treated to a dog being hit by a truck of potatoes, and small kid smoking pot, and Murray Head nearly drinking the kid's mother's breast milk with his coffee. All of those occupy more screen time and receive more emphasis than the kiss between Finch and Head, yet it is that kiss that elevates this from a dreary story about a love triangle with three unlikable characters who all act if they were heavily sedated start to finish into a brilliant and daring masterpiece.
Finch is a gay Jewish Doctor and Jackson is a divorcee, a slob, and too spineless to quit her job in human resources, even though she keeps threatening to. Murray Head is a self-absorbed young man who thinks he has invented the Spirograph, wants to take it to America and get rich, and spends part time as lover of each. Those are the main points, I think. The film goes nowhere. They do get Jackson naked, but with very little enthusiasm, first with Head, and later with some potential new hire who seduced her by falsifying his employment application.
In case you hadn't guessed by now, this film did not impress me in the slightest. It is possible that there were some feeble attempts at humor, there was some noise about the British economy being bad, and a family that Jackson and Head baby sit for were raising their kids permissively, which was also hailed as brave and new, but I can't understand why anyone would enjoy this film or learn anything from it. Yet it is critically acclaimed, won several BAFTAs and Oscar nominations, and is rated 7.1 0f 10 at IMDB. C.
|Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)
Pirates o' th' Caribbean (2003)
Ahoy, buckle yer swashes, shi'er yer timbers, hoist yer
mainsails, polish yer peg-leg, and swab yer poop deck. Drag yer
parrot out o' that cage, put it on yer shoulder and head off t' yer
local multiplex t' see this, if you ha'en't already. It is a great
pirate story t' challenge the best o' Errol Flynn,'s made greater
than the film o' 60 year ago by the technical expertise that makes
this a wonder t' behold. It is also a great parody o' pirate
stories, generally funny and often ironic, although some o' its
jokes be less ob'ious than you might think from a Disney film.
Johnny Depp has always been just about the greatest character actor
o' his generation, but he's ne'er mightily been a breakthrough star.
That has changed, and he's goin' t' need a lot o' new tax shelters,
because the world has found out what many o' us already knew, that
Mr Depp can deli'er whate'er is necessary t' make a role work. Aye.
A pence for an old man o'de sea?
"You must be the worst pirate I've ever heard of", says a
"Ah, but you have heard of me", says Cap'n Depp.
Aye, for his role, Depp dug way int' the history o' cinema, me
hearties. Twenty years ago, thar was an excellent small mo'ie called
My Fa'orite Year, about a faded alcoholic mo'ie star, a former
swashbuckler, who is scheduled t' appear on a Sid Caesar-like TV
show in the early days o' tele'ision. See that mo'ie, if you ha'en't
already, because tis' one o' the best films nobody e'er heard of,
e'en though it does feature that scurvy landlubber Cousin Larry from
Perfect Strangers. Peter O'Toole played the swashbuckler part, and
he was ob'iously supposed t' be a lot like Errol Flynn. When O'Toole
"did" Flynn, he came up with body mo'ement that let him affect the
graceful athletic swagger and the clumsy alcoholism all in one fell
swoop, a masterpiece o' bizarre mannerisms that only Peter O'Toole
could get away with.
Arrr, well, only O'Toole up until now, that be. For Depp decided
t' gi'e new life t' O'Toole's Flynn impersonation. Ye see, me buccos,
Johnny Depp played Peter O'Toole playin' Errol Flynn. Watch My
Fa'orite Year and then Pirates o' the Caribbean, and thar will be no
question in yer mind that Depp drew upon a second generation
impersonation o' Errol Flynn, the bucklin'est seafarin'est swasher
o' them all, t' create what might be the greatest and strangest
pirate character in film history.
Aye, only Deppian eccentricity would try such a thin' in the
first place, and only Deppian talent could pull it off. Depp's
mannerisms be so bizarre that the other characters in the film e'en
impersonate him, thus expandin' the Errol Flynn mimicry yet another
Very entertainin' mo'ie, although me did wish it
shorter than its 143 minute runnin' time, and for Geoffrey Rush to
make Keira Knightley get naked for the crew.
Gar, Where can I find a bottle o'rum?
The Bridge at Remagen (1969)
A few frames captured from the landlubbin' 1969
movie "The Bridge At Remagen" featuring a nearly topless wench, Anna
Gael. The movie is a fairly jolly roger and stars George Segal,
Robert Vaughn and Ben Gazzara. Captured by a new member o' th' crew.
Caught by the flashbulbs
OTHER SCURVY LANDLUBBIN' MOVIES:
MORE FROM THE POOP DECK:
Robert Downey, Jr., no longer a landlubbin'
grog-addled actor. Now a landlubbin' grog-addled singer.
topless English wenches
Liberals On The High Seas
Ahoy, how do you wipe your bottom when your hand is
a hook, and you really need to swab the ol' poop deck? Gar, Where
can I find a bottle o'rum?
Me prized parrot is spreading the word o' God'
A bilge rat the size of a buffalo, or just the grog
Cap'n Cheney's former ship boards the USS Taxpayer.
Total booty: $7 billion in pieces of eight!
Whether yer worried about yer love life, or
concerned a bout the fine points of pirate etiquette, Cap'n
Slappy's yer man. All answers guaranteed 100% alcohol-fueled.
The West Coast Bilge Rats Sick of East-Coast
Aargh - 'tis said that some would talk like Snoop
Dogg instead of a sea dog
Me cutlass rose to attention when Gina Gershon told
Maxim: I have a really long tongue. I had to have speech therapy
to learn how to swallow.
Pirate trades in his Parrot for a new car
Shiver me timbers. Never sail yer craft through
hail, me buccos.
Ahoy, Ahnuld would be First Mate of California, an'
says he is comin' day and eve A pence for an old man o'de sea?
One fine auto paint job, me scurvy dogs
Hurricane no big deal, retired seamen say
Batten the Hatches. Hurricane Isabel.
Avast. See the hurricane coming toward our ship
Beyonce discusses booty
Arrrrr, so ya wanna
talk like a pirate, eh? Well, cast yur eye on my bounty of
lovelies. I give ye
the Oakland Raiderettes
San Diego will become a treasure trove for lovers of sea chanties
this Saturday (Sep. 20). The day after Talk Like a Pirate Day.
It's enough to make any self-respecting pirate say, 'Aaaargh':
to send in poop to the poop deck
be what ye'll find at scoopy.com, me bilge rats.
- Josie Bissett, the "Melrose Place" beauty shows off her goods both above and below deck in scenes from "Hitcher in the Dark" (1989).
Be sure to pay Graphic Response a visit at his website. www.graphic-barry.com.
||From across the seas, the lass bares both her fore and aft sections in scenes from the French movie "Mon idole" (2002).
||The Italian actress bares brief breast views in scenes from "The Dancer Upstairs" (2002). This film be John Malkovich's first voyage as Captain.
|From "Mute Witness" (1994)...Avast me buckos, the Russian wench does something we never do at sea...takes a bath. Aye, she also reveals all of her treasures.
||See-thru goodies in scenes from "La Nuit américaine" (1973).
||Brief starboard breast exposure in scenes from "Enigma"
|This siren of the sea (and former adult film actress) reveals all of her treasures in scenes from "Rai" (1995).
||The "Rainman" star takes down her main sail and reveals her deck in "Respiro" (2002).
|From Captain Skin, here be the surgically enhanced buxom beauty topless (and full frontal in #7) in scenes from "Angelfist" (1993).
|A word from Jr...
In me quarters be a new shirt that I'll be wearing with pride all day long as I knock back the grog and spend time with me first mate, Mr. Prostitute.
|Pat Reeder www.comedy-wire.com
Pat's comments in yellow...
LOS ANGELES BANS LAP DANCING
Isn't L.A. Run By Democrats? - The Los Angeles City Council voted Tuesday
to ban lap dances and all other physical contact between entertainers and
customers at strip clubs and other adult establishments. The new ordinance
also bans "VIP rooms," where dancers perform privately, and requires
dancers to remain at least six feet away from customers, even when they're
being tipped. The mayor has said he'll sign it, and it could go into
effect as early as next month. Clubs will file a lawsuit challenging it.
The dancers say it will destroy their livelihoods.
And they can't all become gubernatorial candidates.
They'll have to get respectable jobs, maybe in L.A.'s thriving porn
If L.A. bans lap dancers, where will the new crop of Hollywood starlets
and pop stars come from?!
The idea of a sexy young woman touching a man to get ahead is something
that just won't fly in Hollywood!
If these clubs are "adult," how come they need a nanny?
This just in: the entire L.A. City Council has just been recalled.
STAR'S BREASTS ENLARGED ON MOVIE POSTER
Underwired - Movie starlet Kate Beckinsale got more than she wanted on the
poster for her new movie, "Underworld." She asked the artists to enlarge
her small breasts, but she said they went overboard and gave her "really
big boobs." She said she was stunned, and that it made her look "stupid."
She asked the artists to shave them down, and they did, but she said, "The
poster is still a bit generous."
They may turn her hair blonde and release it as a Pamela Anderson movie.
It just proves that actresses who want bigger breasts on their movie
posters should do it the natural way: get implants.
There's a saying among movie poster artists: "If you want to draw in the
boobs, better draw in some boobs."
POP IDOL REJECTS FORM GROUP
That Should Be "Outta Tune" - Five rejects from "Pop Idol," the British
parent show of "American Idol," have formed their own group called "Outta
Sync." They've already made a single, a video and a McDonald's commercial.
One said their message to Simon Cowell is that "sometimes pop fame is not
just about talent," but about entertaining.
But couldn't it, just every once in a while, be about talent?
And there's nothing more entertaining than five losers singing off-key.
|From the Mail bag
I've just visited TalkLikeaPirate.com and all I can say is it's going to go completely unnoticed here in Bideford, North Devon (UK) since everyone talks like that anyway. Bideford is a port with a long illustrious piratical history. Lundy, an island about 17 miles off the coast, hid the likes of Bluebeard and others. Still remembered with fondness.
May I add to the list of useful vocabulary:
Here we say 'beauty', to mean 'friend' but also 'ance' (shortened from 'handsome') as in "Ello me ance!" (Hello my handsome).
D'rectly. (from directly). I'll do it d'rectly. Can be used to mean immediately, or sometimes 'in a while, when I get around to it'.
My favourite: 'frape' (from the French 'frappe'; to hit). Use it liberally as in "speak to me like that an' I'll frape 'ee one. (Talk to me in an uncouth manner and I'll smite you). Car mechanics often 'frape the bugger up tight' when tightening a nut.
Last for now: The sea, when rough, as in 20ft waves, is referred to as being 'proper lumpy'