L'Ossessa (1974) is an Italian Exorcist clone. For quite some time, Italy was remaking US hits at a fraction of the cost, and making a good profit doing it. This film features Stella Carnacina as the possessed young woman. She works doing art restoration. When she starts restoring a crucifix from a defunct church, the figure comes alive as Satan, rapes her, and then possesses her. Before this, we see her mother, Lucretia Love, having sex with a boyfriend at a party while her husband is downstairs. Not just sex, mind you, but sex that includes being beaten by roses with thorns. Stella witnesses this, goes back to the office, and has her run-in with Satan. From there, it pretty much follows the plot of The Exorcist.

Both women show everything, but the scene with Carnacina is very dark, and, to make matters worse, this was clearly mastered from a VHS that was in turn created from mismatched reels in very bad shape. It is full of 1 to 3 second gaps in the badly dubbed audio, and different reels have faded to different colors. IMDB readers have this at 3.4 of 10. It has been variously known as The Devil Obsession, The Eerie Midnight Horror Show, Enter the Devil, The Sexorcist and The Tormented. You would be well advised to avoid it under any of its names. D.

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  • Lucretia Love (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19)
  • Stella Carnacina (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)

    "Sunday Bloody Sunday"

    Sunday Bloody Sunday (1971) is Awful Bloody Awful. As there is no real plot, the best I can do is talk about some of the things that we are treated to. We see Peter Finch dial a rotary phone, then have a long series of establishing shots where we trace the phone cables to the switch office, watch the rotary switches and relays click into place, hear the phone ringing on the other end, and nobody answers. We get to watch Finch's nephew at his Bar Mitzvah. We also see Glenda Jackson discover a spilled ashtray on the floor of her apartment, pick it and the butts up, and then grind the ashes into the carpet with her shoe. We are treated to a dog being hit by a truck of potatoes, and small kid smoking pot, and Murray Head nearly drinking the kid's mother's breast milk with his coffee. All of those occupy more screen time and receive more emphasis than the kiss between Finch and Head, yet it is that kiss that elevates this from a dreary story about a love triangle with three unlikable characters who all act if they were heavily sedated start to finish into a brilliant and daring masterpiece.

    Finch is a gay Jewish Doctor and Jackson is a divorcee, a slob, and too spineless to quit her job in human resources, even though she keeps threatening to. Murray Head is a self-absorbed young man who thinks he has invented the Spirograph, wants to take it to America and get rich, and spends part time as lover of each. Those are the main points, I think. The film goes nowhere. They do get Jackson naked, but with very little enthusiasm, first with Head, and later with some potential new hire who seduced her by falsifying his employment application.

    In case you hadn't guessed by now, this film did not impress me in the slightest. It is possible that there were some feeble attempts at humor, there was some noise about the British economy being bad, and a family that Jackson and Head baby sit for were raising their kids permissively, which was also hailed as brave and new, but I can't understand why anyone would enjoy this film or learn anything from it. Yet it is critically acclaimed, won several BAFTAs and Oscar nominations, and is rated 7.1 0f 10 at IMDB. C.

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  • Glenda Jackson (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

  • Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)

    Pirates o' th' Caribbean (2003)

    Ahoy, buckle yer swashes, shi'er yer timbers, hoist yer mainsails, polish yer peg-leg, and swab yer poop deck. Drag yer parrot out o' that cage, put it on yer shoulder and head off t' yer local multiplex t' see this, if you ha'en't already. It is a great pirate story t' challenge the best o' Errol Flynn,'s made greater than the film o' 60 year ago by the technical expertise that makes this a wonder t' behold. It is also a great parody o' pirate stories, generally funny and often ironic, although some o' its jokes be less ob'ious than you might think from a Disney film. Johnny Depp has always been just about the greatest character actor o' his generation, but he's ne'er mightily been a breakthrough star. That has changed, and he's goin' t' need a lot o' new tax shelters, because the world has found out what many o' us already knew, that Mr Depp can deli'er whate'er is necessary t' make a role work. Aye. A pence for an old man o'de sea?

    "You must be the worst pirate I've ever heard of", says a landlubber.

    "Ah, but you have heard of me", says Cap'n Depp.

    Aye, for his role, Depp dug way int' the history o' cinema, me hearties. Twenty years ago, thar was an excellent small mo'ie called My Fa'orite Year, about a faded alcoholic mo'ie star, a former swashbuckler, who is scheduled t' appear on a Sid Caesar-like TV show in the early days o' tele'ision. See that mo'ie, if you ha'en't already, because tis' one o' the best films nobody e'er heard of, e'en though it does feature that scurvy landlubber Cousin Larry from Perfect Strangers. Peter O'Toole played the swashbuckler part, and he was ob'iously supposed t' be a lot like Errol Flynn. When O'Toole "did" Flynn, he came up with body mo'ement that let him affect the graceful athletic swagger and the clumsy alcoholism all in one fell swoop, a masterpiece o' bizarre mannerisms that only Peter O'Toole could get away with.

    Arrr, well, only O'Toole up until now, that be. For Depp decided t' gi'e new life t' O'Toole's Flynn impersonation. Ye see, me buccos, Johnny Depp played Peter O'Toole playin' Errol Flynn. Watch My Fa'orite Year and then Pirates o' the Caribbean, and thar will be no question in yer mind that Depp drew upon a second generation impersonation o' Errol Flynn, the bucklin'est seafarin'est swasher o' them all, t' create what might be the greatest and strangest pirate character in film history.

    Aye, only Deppian eccentricity would try such a thin' in the first place, and only Deppian talent could pull it off. Depp's mannerisms be so bizarre that the other characters in the film e'en impersonate him, thus expandin' the Errol Flynn mimicry yet another generation.

    Very entertainin' mo'ie, although me did wish it shorter than its 143 minute runnin' time, and for Geoffrey Rush to make Keira Knightley get naked for the crew.

    Gar, Where can I find a bottle o'rum?



    The Bridge at Remagen (1969)

    A few frames captured from the landlubbin' 1969 movie "The Bridge At Remagen" featuring a nearly topless wench, Anna Gael. The movie is a fairly jolly roger and stars George Segal, Robert Vaughn and Ben Gazzara. Captured by a new member o' th' crew.

    • Anna Gael (1, 2)


    Caught by the flashbulbs






    Poop deck archives.

    Click here to send in poop to the poop deck



    • Charlie's French Cinema and Corsair Nudity site is updated. Aargh!




    Here be what ye'll find at, me bilge rats.

    Graphic Response
    • Josie Bissett, the "Melrose Place" beauty shows off her goods both above and below deck in scenes from "Hitcher in the Dark" (1989).

    Be sure to pay Graphic Response a visit at his website.

    Diane Kruger From across the seas, the lass bares both her fore and aft sections in scenes from the French movie "Mon idole" (2002).

    Laura Morante The Italian actress bares brief breast views in scenes from "The Dancer Upstairs" (2002). This film be John Malkovich's first voyage as Captain.

    Marina Zudina
    (1, 2)

    From "Mute Witness" (1994)...Avast me buckos, the Russian wench does something we never do at sea...takes a bath. Aye, she also reveals all of her treasures.

    Nathalie Baye See-thru goodies in scenes from "La Nuit américaine" (1973).

    Saffron Burrows Brief starboard breast exposure in scenes from "Enigma"

    Tabatha Cash
    (1, 2)

    This siren of the sea (and former adult film actress) reveals all of her treasures in scenes from "Rai" (1995).

    Valeria Golino The "Rainman" star takes down her main sail and reveals her deck in "Respiro" (2002).

    Catya Sassoon
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14)

    From Captain Skin, here be the surgically enhanced buxom beauty topless (and full frontal in #7) in scenes from "Angelfist" (1993).

    A word from Jr...
    Ahoy mateys!

    In me quarters be a new shirt that I'll be wearing with pride all day long as I knock back the grog and spend time with me first mate, Mr. Prostitute.

    Pat Reeder
    Pat's comments in yellow...

    Isn't L.A. Run By Democrats? - The Los Angeles City Council voted Tuesday to ban lap dances and all other physical contact between entertainers and customers at strip clubs and other adult establishments. The new ordinance also bans "VIP rooms," where dancers perform privately, and requires dancers to remain at least six feet away from customers, even when they're being tipped. The mayor has said he'll sign it, and it could go into effect as early as next month. Clubs will file a lawsuit challenging it. The dancers say it will destroy their livelihoods.

  • And they can't all become gubernatorial candidates.
  • They'll have to get respectable jobs, maybe in L.A.'s thriving porn industry.
  • If L.A. bans lap dancers, where will the new crop of Hollywood starlets and pop stars come from?!
  • The idea of a sexy young woman touching a man to get ahead is something that just won't fly in Hollywood!
  • If these clubs are "adult," how come they need a nanny?
  • This just in: the entire L.A. City Council has just been recalled.

    Underwired - Movie starlet Kate Beckinsale got more than she wanted on the poster for her new movie, "Underworld." She asked the artists to enlarge her small breasts, but she said they went overboard and gave her "really big boobs." She said she was stunned, and that it made her look "stupid." She asked the artists to shave them down, and they did, but she said, "The poster is still a bit generous."

  • They may turn her hair blonde and release it as a Pamela Anderson movie.
  • It just proves that actresses who want bigger breasts on their movie posters should do it the natural way: get implants.
  • There's a saying among movie poster artists: "If you want to draw in the boobs, better draw in some boobs."

    That Should Be "Outta Tune" - Five rejects from "Pop Idol," the British parent show of "American Idol," have formed their own group called "Outta Sync." They've already made a single, a video and a McDonald's commercial. One said their message to Simon Cowell is that "sometimes pop fame is not just about talent," but about entertaining.

  • But couldn't it, just every once in a while, be about talent?
  • And there's nothing more entertaining than five losers singing off-key.

  • From the Mail bag
    Captain Scoop,

    I've just visited and all I can say is it's going to go completely unnoticed here in Bideford, North Devon (UK) since everyone talks like that anyway. Bideford is a port with a long illustrious piratical history. Lundy, an island about 17 miles off the coast, hid the likes of Bluebeard and others. Still remembered with fondness.

    May I add to the list of useful vocabulary:

    Here we say 'beauty', to mean 'friend' but also 'ance' (shortened from 'handsome') as in "Ello me ance!" (Hello my handsome).

    D'rectly. (from directly). I'll do it d'rectly. Can be used to mean immediately, or sometimes 'in a while, when I get around to it'.

    My favourite: 'frape' (from the French 'frappe'; to hit). Use it liberally as in "speak to me like that an' I'll frape 'ee one. (Talk to me in an uncouth manner and I'll smite you). Car mechanics often 'frape the bugger up tight' when tightening a nut.

    Last for now: The sea, when rough, as in 20ft waves, is referred to as being 'proper lumpy'