Shredder (2003) is a straight to vid snowboarding teen slasher film. Having said that, the plot summary is probably unnecessary, as the usual cliches are all present. A group of college students goes to spend a few days at a closed ski resort that one of their father's is planning on buying and developing. They are warned away, and, when people start dying, the fun starts.

The high point is breast exposure from Holly Towne during the first of two sex scenes in the film. Of course, she is the first to die. The low point is the other sex scene, and the shower scene with Lindsey McKeon, where you can see the Band-Aid patches over her nipples. The special effects are incredibly cheap and cheesy, and the red herrings are way overdone. This is barely a C-.

Pretty Baby (1978)

The two factors that make movies great are atmosphere and pacing. It is not difficult to write an interesting story, or to hire competent actors, or even to create interesting people, but it is very difficult to place everything in the right context - sights, sounds, texture, and the most difficult element of atmosphere, tone. It is even more difficult to master pacing, to reach the point that great directors reach, where audiences would not want their movies a minute shorter or longer, and the audience members never find their attention drifting.

Atmosphere and pacing.

If atmosphere were 100% of the game, Louis Malle would be Orson Welles, Kurosawa, Kubrick, and Bergman rolled into one. But it isn't. And he's not.

If you look at still captures from Louis Malle's films while listening to the soundtrack, you'd think he must be the greatest director of all. He isn't.

He is a master of tone and texture, but the man has no sense of pacing at all. You sit and watch this movie liking the characters, finding the premise intriguing, admiring the period reproduction, dazzled by the beauty of the photography, and falling asleep. Sometimes the feeling that overcomes you is worse than drowsiness. It is embarrassment. You see those actors on the screen, and they seem to be wondering why the scene hasn't ended yet, and guessing what they should do next. They never seem to know how quickly to respond to their cues, and they always seem to be looking around, wondering why the camera is on them when they are merely observing the real action, which is transpiring elsewhere. If they were in a home movie, they'd be pointing Uncle Bill to the true cynosure - "no, point the camera over there, not here".

I'm giving you the wrong impression. Louis Malle is not a bad director. He's a very good one who should have been great but just seemed to be missing the final ingredient. How can you make a film about a 12 year old prostitute soporific, even though it is beautiful to look at, and the soundtrack is sexy and appropriate?

I don't know, but he did it. It is still worth watching, but you'll be haunted with the feeling that it should have been so much more. The film has so many strengths that you should watch it if you have any interest in artistic historical dramas, but be fairly warned the whole is less than the sum of its parts.

• Susan Sarandon (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

OTHER CRAP:

• The trailer for Spiderman 2 - kick-ass trailer, do not miss it.
• Actress Sues Snoop Dogg, MTV Over Show: "An actress has sued rapper Snoop Dogg and MTV over an episode of the television show 'Doggy Fizzle Televizzle,' in which she claimed she was unwittingly made to appear as if she were naked and engaging in sexual relations with another actor. "
• Put Another Nickel In Sing along. Remember the old-time songs.
• Disbelief and gloom seized many Palestinians on Sunday at news of Saddam Hussein's capture. "Not many people know it, but Saddam was a terrific dancer. And what a painter. He could paint an entire apartment in one afternoon. Two coats."
• Here's the latest photoshop contest on FreakingNews.com: "Photoshop any of the following ideas: how they found Saddam, Saddam in his hide-out, what will happen to him, or where he is kept now."
• TIME.com: 10 Questions For Dennis Miller -- Dec. 22, 2003: Q: "A lot of California Republicans want you to run for Senate. Will you?" A: "At some point that involves moving to Washington, D.C., sitting in a room all day with a moron like Barbara Boxer. I'm just not interested."
• Miguel Tejada to join Orioles. Tejada is a good player, but the Orioles still have a long way to go to be a factor in the powerful AL East. The good news: they're only two players away from contention. The bad news: those two players are Sandy Koufax and Jesus.
• News Babes. They aren't naked, but he has a nice collection of clips.
• Love Withstands Furious Rally by Woods Get this - Tiger was down by ten strokes on the 9th tee - seven holes later, he had closed to within one, buoyed by a stretch of five consecutive birdies. Love stayed cool, however, and pulled it out.
• American Film Institute Honors Year's Top 10 Films. Hey, at least they didn't nominate "From Justin to Kelly". As always, the list is dominated by ultra-serious fare, weepers, and epics, except for one kids' movie. There is the usual bias against entertainment films and comedies. Great entertainment films, like X2 and Pirates of the Caribbean, and a great comedy A Mighty Wind, take a back seat while mediocre serious movies like The Human Stain make the list.
• AgeGuess.com - Guess people's Ages -
• Lucifire, mistress of suspension. (And fire-eating, and other stuff people shouldn't fuck with.)
• Newspaper Ads from past decades. Very nostalgic.
• Dean supporters try to spin Saddam's capture! Actual examples (1) "I think it is shameful that the ACLU has not commented on the obvious mistreatment Hussein has suffered at the hands of the American military." (2) "I can't believe this (Saddam's capture). I'm crying here. I feel that we now don't have a chance in this election."
• Official Site of Bettie Page :: nude photos
• New DVD recorders will speed copying
• The Broadcast Film Critics Assn. will jumpstart the 2004 Critics' Choice Awards with its newly conceived 10 Best Fest, a week of film screenings devoted to the critics' best picture nominees.
• The ten cultural regions of the USA, and how they affect national politics.
• The ten cultural regions of North America before the Europeans arrived. Things haven't changed as much as you may have thought. (see link above)
• The BBC says Cold Mountain bites the big one. Much hyped as an awards contender, Cold Mountain has received mixed reactions from the early reviewers. BBC (two stars out of five) called it "full of hot air", "suffocated by the stringy score", and filled with "vomit-inducing soft-focus longing".
• Here's the trailer for Cold Mountain. The "large" trailer is just about DVD quality.
• Penis Man knows how to party. Don't think about it, just look.
• Violent video game banned in New Zealand.
• Nearly a month after his arrest, Michael Jackson could be charged this week in a child molestation case
• Members of the peanut gallery at fark.com offer their suggestions on the topic "what did the Iraqi info guy say about Saddam's capture"?
• Photo slideshow of the Saddam capture. Highly detailed. I could have done without some parts of his medical exam. Especially the procto.
• Florida Greenpeace Case Hinges on 1872 Bordello Law . The ship-boarding activists are being prosecuted under the 130 year old law which was designed to prevent bordello owners from sneaking on arriving ships in order to be the first to sell booze and hookers to incoming swabbies. The Greenpeace arrest is the first arrest under the law in 113 years.
• Something's Gotta Give tops the box office. The Farrelly's Stuck on You opened in third place. All of these numbers will be altered radically on Wednesday when the big dog joins the hunt.
• Computerized beer tap will pour a pint in two seconds. At last, the real reason why computers were created.
• The complete script for every single episode of Seinfeld.
• PAKISTAN'S president escaped an assassination attempt today when a bomb exploded minutes after his motorcade passed a road near the capital. Calll me nutty, but if I ran Pakistan, I would not announce the route of my motorcades.
• Pigeons are faster than the internet, create less shit.
• Group to broadcast new ad criticizing Dean. Reminiscent of the Willie Horton ads, it shows Osama and implies that Dean doesn't have the experience or the strength of will to deal with him. And it's being funded by Democrats!
• Pirates of the Caribbean sold 11 million copies on home media in its first week. This is the record for a non-animated film.
• Kevin Brown is officially a Yankee. The Dodgers traded him for a bag of magic beans.
• US singer Lauryn Hill blasts Catholic Church - in a concert at the Vatican!. "Hey, what is the big deal on girls wearing patent leather shoes, anyway? And those priests, when they sing at Mass, always off key ..." . The article says that Hill's outburst will probably be cut from the broadcast version. Gee ... d'ya think?
• Colin Farrell drinks 45 beers on one night and gets naked in public (in an Islamic country).
• Saddam Captured While Playing Santa In Billings, Montana Mall
• CBS Late Show - Top Ten Reasons Paris Hilton should appear on Dave's show
• CBS Late Show Top Ten Signs you're at a bad office Christmas party.

Other crap archives. May also include newer material than the ones above, since it's sorta in real time.

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MOVIE REVIEWS:

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

• Mary-Louise Parker

Trailer Park Boys season 1 & 2 DVD set
One of the hottest Canadian cult properties available only from Canada! This franchise started from a zero budget short and then developed as a low budget television pilot. On a cold sell the producers managed to have this green lighted for a television series on Showcase Canada where it quickly gained a cult following. One of the TPB's biggest fans outside Canada is Kid Rock (who dated upscale Canadian trailer park hoe Pamela Anderson).

The two season DVD set is pack full of features and extras. Despite the adult content there is almost no nudity except for a stripper in the background of a real life strip club. But with the explicit language, gunplay and drugs this is has to be aired in the USA.

• Lucy Decoutere: nice pokies
• Sarah Dunsworth: upskirt, mega-cleavage
• Trailer park hoes: various guest stars (non-nude but sexy) (1, 2, 3, 4)
• Stripper: distant topless.

Other Canadian stuff although some have US leads.

"Payoff" (1991) (TV)
Canadian drama with US leads Keith Carradine and Kim Griest. Unfortunately Keith Carradine shows more nudity then his co-star Kim Griest.

• Kim Greist: silhouette striptease and partial breast exposure. (1, 2,
• Suki Kaiser: sexy underwear in one her first roles.

"Escape Clause" (1996) (TV)
Mystery involving bondage, s&m and murder. US lead Kate McNeil shows a lot of skin considering this is a standard cable movie.

• Kate McNeil: very nice topless.
• Laura Catalano: topless as hooker.
• Carol Chwaiewsky: sexy underwear by this one-timer

"Syngenor"(1990)
Bad bad sci-fi horror. Starr Andreef shows some near breast and then wraps herself in a shear bedsheet.

• Starr Andreeff: partial breast.
• Riva Spier: brassiere only.
• Julie Kris: robo-hooters by this one-timer.

"The Michelle Apartments" (1995)
Dark comedy with alot of sexual tension. Mary Beth Ruben's last movie.

• Mary Beth Rubens: brassiere only.

"Agency" (1980)
Something to do with a modeling agency. No nudity.

• Denise Vanderberg: bikini model.

"Giant Mine" (1996) (TV)
Real life Canadian drama with Tammy Isbell showing full dorsal nudity in a love scene near the end.

• Tammy Isbell: nude love scene.

"Melanie Darrow" (1997) (TV)
Dreadful Delta Burke vehicle saved by Krista Bridges star spangled hooters.

• Krista Bridges: topless with pasties as stripper.

"Falling Through" (2000)
International thriller. Russian actress Yekaterina Rednikova (aka Ekaterina Rednikova) has a rather tacked-in softcore sex scene.

• Ekaterina Rednikova: topless love scene.

Toronto Film Festival (sept, 2003)
Paparazzi pic of movie extra Nadja Anema almost falling out of her dress.

• Nadja Anema: cleavage.

Nothing new and/or interesting aired on TV here during the last week, so I recapped some already known scenes for Fun House viewing pleasure.

• Christine Boisson, and exposed breast in scenes from "En Face".

• Isabelle Huppert, topless and frontal nudity in "Violette Nozière" (1, 2)

• Lucy Liu playing a topless dancer in scenes from "City Of Industry".

• Karina Lombard see-thru breast and bum views in "Exposé".

• German actress Sissi Perlinger topless in "Der letzte Kurier".

First up today...the Skinemax flick "Sex Files: Ancient Desires" (2000).

• Collages of Amber Newman topless and gettin' it on. (1, 2)
• Amber again, large single frames this time. (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10)

• Collages of Regina Russell having a bunch of pseudo-sex. Breasts, plus brief bum and pube glimpses. (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12)
• More Regina in single frame 'caps. (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

• Collages of Jenna Bodnar showing breasts of course, plus brief bum and pube views. (1, 2, 3)
• Jenna Bodnar, larger single frames. (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)

• Caroline Key Johnson

• Daria Derly

• Griffin Drew, all 3 B's. (1, 2, 3)

• Zoe Paul...one more triple B performance from "Sex Files: Ancient Desires". (1, 2, 3)

Next up...some material not from "Ancient Desires". Instead, here are some 'caps from the 1981 classic, "Cannonball Run".

• Adrienne Barbeau (1, 2)
• Vickie Reigle (1, 2, 3)
• Valerie Perrne
• Vickie Reigle (1, 2)