Gang, here's an update on Tuna's condition. If you'd like to get in touch with him, his email address is email@example.com
It was the extreme shortness of breath that got my attention. I was admitted to the hospital in atrial fibrillation with a heart rate of 180. They rather quickly drained 1.4 liters of bloody fluid from my right lung. They have subjected me to dozens of tests, and ruled out many possible causes of this, but they still don't know what went wrong. I am still in atrial fibrillation, but with a heart rate under control using 3 drugs. I am home waiting for some of my medication to reach the proper level in my system, then I may have another hospital stay to try and convert my heart to normal rhythm.
I am able to spend some time at the computer, and am again reading my Email.
|Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)
Shallow Ground (2004):
I suppose a lot of you regular readers think I hate
horror movies. That isn't true. I love horror movies. I don't like
werewolf movies and giant creature films, of course, but I love real
down-and-dirty, creepy, psychological, under-your-skin scary films
about people alone and vulnerable and terrified by mysterious forces
or circumstances they can't comprehend. Unfortunately, 99% of those
either totally suck or are barely-disguised remakes of previous
horror movies, but when they do work, they are what the movie-going
experience is all about: a safe, vicarious wave of emotions at an
intense level that you just can't experience in everyday life. We
love horror movies for a lot of the same reasons we love roller
coasters - because we want to experience the intense feelings humans
are capable of, but we don't actually want to get there by being in
danger of dying or feeling great pain.
Shallow Ground is a good, original horror movie. It doesn't feature much in
the way of expensive effects or anything else that would cost much,
and the cast consists of unfamiliar faces, and yet it looks like a
professionally composed film and delivers spooky thrills, gore, and
mystery using only a couple of basic elements: (1) an unpredictable,
original story which combines various elements of thrillers,
mysteries, and horror films. (2) excellent editing, which uses
suggestion, music and surprise to maintain the suspense of the
overall story while delivering some "jump" moments along the way.
One of the genre sites pointed out that it's the
kind of movie that will get your date moving closer and closer to
you as the story unfolds.
What is it about? Unfortunately, it is so original
that I can't tell you very much. Suppose there was a movie where it
was revealed halfway through the film that the sheriff was a
vampire. If I told you in advance that it was a vampire movie, I'd
fuck up everything for you, wouldn't I? Well, this movie is like
that. (No, there are no vampires! That was a hypothetical example.)
I can give you an outline of how it sets up:
A naked, bloody boy wanders into the office of a
rural sheriff. Is it the boy's own blood? Is it even human blood?
Nobody knows who the boy is. Nobody even knows whether he is
human, because he seems to have certain supernatural powers. The
sheriff has him cleaned up and sends the blood off for analysis.
The sheriff also has the boy fingerprinted. The results of these
tests provide a series of bizarre surprises ...
We learn in flashbacks that the area has
experienced a rash of missing persons in the past year. The
sheriff is riddled with guilt because he could have saved one of
the victims. He found her hanging by her hands from a tree, cut
her down, then went off to find the killer and left the victim
alone - with disastrous consequences.
The mysterious disappearances and the bloody boy
are related somehow, but how?
Just about anything else I could write would be a
spoiler, and since the film is ingenious and innovative enough to
try some new gimmicks and create a new horror mythology, you
probably want to find the rest out from the plot development rather
than from me.
A few additional, miscellaneous thoughts:
- This is not an erotic bondage film, but it uses
some of that for titillation and atmosphere. As far as nudity
goes, there is toplessness from struggling or subdued victims, but
nothing more. There are two pretty girls hanging from a tree,
struggling, wearing only their underpants, and there is another
naked victim who is dead or unconscious. Lower body nudity is
- This is not a gore film, although it uses some
of that for shock and atmosphere. If you are a real gore-hound,
this will be tame for you, but if horror gore disturbs you, you
should avoid the film. Under no circumstances should you expose
the film to very young children. It is filled with the usual
spooky horror elements like graphic portrayals of decomposing
corpses, spurting blood, and sadistic torture.
- The last few frames of the film are totally incomprehensible.
It's not uncommon for horror films to have the classic "reversal"
endings which show that the tranquility of the preceding scenes do
not really represent a permanent quelling of the threat. It's the
ol' "hand reaching from the grave of the seemingly defeated
monster and setting up a sequel" trick. This film has one of those
"gotcha" endings, but I just can't figure out any point to it at
The film is not without problems. The script requires the
characters to act too stupid too often, and the acting is barely adequate.
In spite of all that, plus the low budget and the totally confusing
ending, this film is still a keeper.
The Girl in the Cafe (2005):
Haven't seen it - joint effort BBC and HBO, now playing. These
are somebody else's raw caps that I just re-arranged a bit.
The Cool Surface (1994)
I've been trying to give a balanced appraisal of these failed films
from the 80s and 90s, but it would be a stretch to come up with a
second good thing about this film.
The first of the film's strengths is, of
course, easy to identify - a young, ripe Teri Hatcher took off her top in two
The basic storyline here had some potential. A
socially inept writer has been in seclusion, working on his
masterpiece for years. He is told by his agent that the manuscript
is brilliant, but totally unmarketable. The writer is sent back out
to write something that people will actually pay to read. But what?
He finds his inspiration in the apartment next door, where his
actress neighbor is having constant rows with her lover. The
neighbor's arguments get so violent that the writer finally screws
up his courage and bursts in on them gallantly - only to find out
that the "lover" is just another actor rehearsing a scene with her.
The writer is mortified at having made a total fool of himself, but
after due consideration determines that he finally has an anecdote
worth repeating. He ends up having a wild affair with the sexy,
drop-dead-gorgeous actress, and puts almost every word of their
bedroom talk into his new novel. The book turns out to be a real
potboiler, and his agent is so thrilled with it that he is able to
sell it to Hollywood as a movie treatment.
The actress/girlfriend, of course, figures out
that she would be pretty damned good in the lead role since the
entire story is about her life. She goes after the role, and gets
Up until that point, The Cool Surface had been merely
mediocre. It was an erotic thriller with mild, listless erotica and
no thrills, but it was not a complete write-off. Teri Hatcher was
tres sexy, and it was kind of interesting to see Robert Patrick
playing a nerdy writer with long hair and granny glasses, looking
for all the world like John Lennon. After the girlfriend is cast to
play herself, however, the script just wanders off into all sorts of
surreal directions. It suddenly develops a bunch of thrills, albeit
bizarre ones, but the plotline is virtually incoherent, and none of
the characters' motivations seem to make sense. For some reason, the
writer is really pissed off that his actress/girlfriend wants to
play the part of the actress/girlfriend in the movie (I never did
understand why) and he goes totally ballistic. He starts throwing
tantrums, beating his girlfriend up, assaulting her friends,
drinking too much, and writing a sequel to show what a monster she
is. Meanwhile, she keeps saying, "What? I love you. I haven't hurt
you in any way. Things are great between us. Why are you doing
this?" He doesn't have any explanation. His irrational behavior is
as irritating and inexplicable to the audience as to the girlfriend,
and that alone is close to a deal-breaker, but the straw that breaks the camel's back
is that the script
stars mixing up the scenes which he imagines in his sequel novel
with the things which are happening in reality, to the point where
nothing seems real, even though some things are supposed to be.
Anyway, the second half of this movie is incoherent
and completely irritating. The ending is a surprise, but a very
unpleasant one. To make matters worse, Teri Hatcher leaves her
clothes on during the entire second half. After the first 45 minutes
I got so bored with this movie that I could only struggle through it
by taking breaks every ten minutes, and even then I kept saying out
loud, to no one in particular, "God, this sucks."
- Teri Hatcher (1,
While on the subject of the still hard-bodied Desperate
Housewife, here is a great film clip of Hatcher doing a "nude" scene
- on the Letterman show! (Zipped .avi)
Q: Is this man copping a feel of Katie Holmes?
Persistent kid teaches himself to skateboard off a roof.
Daily Show: "Hannah Rosin talks about the research she did for her
New Yorker article 'God and Country.'"
- Daily Show:
"Public approval for Bush's proposals rank between lukewarm and
Daily Show- Colbert suggests a new way to understand "Mission
Accomplished" ... "Try and stop reading in a linear, left to
right, letters in consecutive order, syllable-based way."
The Daily Show's Louis Black offers Free Health Advice
... "If your sexual activity involves a lot of tears, you're
probably doing something wrong."
- Daily Show:
The Supreme Court rends the wall between church and state into
more of a beaded curtain.
The Daily Show takes a tour around the States
Jon Stewart interviews Morgan Spurlock
- This is a funny vid:
Jared Fogle footage from the cutting room floor. "Fuckin'
Blimpies - that's where I'm goin'"
Britney Spears shows off the pregnant belly.
Peeping Tom pulled from outhouse tank. Submitter wrote:
"I guess this is what happens when spank booths or peep shows
become too high class for your tastes. Oh the questions that one
wants to ask this man."
"Rabbit-exploding device proves popular." They can also
be used to explode gophers. So far, they are most popular in New
Zealand, but the company has two big orders from the USA: a Mr.
Jimmy Carter and a Mr. Carl Spackler.
- Advanced scientific study concludes:
"The amount of food you put on your young child's plate is the
main factor influencing how much he or she will eat"
This nekkid woman is not Katie Holmes. But you can
dream. Sure looks a lot like her.
New WTC tower design made public
Important Top-Headline News from Norway: thieves steal family's
shrubbery. At this moment, the police have assigned
four detectives to the case full-time.
Republicans in Congress threatened Major League Baseball on Monday
with repeal of its antitrust exemption if billionaire financier
George Soros is involved in buying the Washington Nationals.
Weekly World News claims: "SWEDEN LEGALIZES LOOKING UP LADIES
The Signers of the Declaration of Independence (The Price They
Surprising Expiration Dates: "A handy, who-knew guide
for 77 foods, beauty products, and household goods"
Guinness - World's Fattest Cat
The Top 10 Funniest Cameos
Here's the trailer for Jim Carrey's new film, Fun With Dick And
Conan O'Brien's weekly quotables. Some very good jokes.
- The 'Daily News has suggested that Katie Holmes signed a
5-year, $5 million contract to marry Tom Cruise - but according
to the contract the two will not have sex. After hearing this,
Star Jones' husband fired his agent.
- Despite protests from conservatives, President Bush
appointed an openly gay man as his assistant Secretary of
Commerce. Bush claimed that a gay man is perfect for the
commerce department because "Those people love to shop."
- Someone on E-Bay is selling a piece of toast they claim
shows an image of Michael Jackson. Experts say it's the first
piece of toast to be black when it went into a toaster - and
white when it came out.
- In Japan, a 95-year-old man broke the record in his age
bracket for the 100-meter dash. Unfortunately, when the
95-year-old man tried to run through the tape at the finish line
it snapped him in half.
John Cusack discusses his next romantic comedy. I know
he's always had the sensitive guy thing going for him, but when
did he become such a wuss? In the article he says, "And sometimes
you think if I do this movie maybe it will help me get the movies
I want to get made. You know it will help my profile out. It's
just the dance you do with the business." Bah, fokkin humbug. I'm
going to go watch The Grifters and Better Off Dead to cleanse my
Leonardo DiCaprio hopes that his next pic will be Ed Zwick's
dramatic thriller The Blood Diamond.
AMC Entertainment, is offering a money-back guarantee for boxing
picture 'Cinderella Man,' hoping to boost interest in the
struggling film amid a record box-office slump. I
haven't seen the film, but the people I know who saw it, loved it,
so this may make sense.
Dr.Phil's Test. He gave this test to Oprah. It's about
as accurate as anything else Dr Phil does, which is to say the
final evaluation was pretty close to the opposite of what it
should have said! It told me I was Mr Warmth.
Tom Cruise says he believes in aliens. With most
celebrities, I wouldn't worry as much. I'd just figure they were
speaking hypothetically. But Tom? Some day that guy is going to
rip off his human mask and show his tentacles.
Leonardo DiCaprio has bought his own island in the Caribbean.
Let me guess. Cuba?
- That Eve sex tape turned out to be genuine:
Eve Objects To 'Personal' Sex Tape Posted On Internet
Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the
since it's sorta in real time.
to submit a URL for Other Crap
are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.
- The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the
review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
- If there is a white asterisk, it means that
there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined
there might be something else of interest.
- A blue asterisk indicates the review is written
by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
- If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too
ashamed to admit it.
'Caps and comments by Brainscan:
Another three gals from Mystique Lingerie, including my own personal fave former Pet, Sunny Leone. She is in a bonus feature on the DVD, playing an island masseuse who rubs Deanna Merryman the right way. Deanna is also in the more traditional part of the disk, posing and stripping, but in the bonus section she gives up some shaved gynocam goodies. Lucky for us, too. Third gal is like Deanna in sporting a pair of robotized hooters and in going all full-frontal on us. She is Jennifer Korbin
Ya know, I got six more gals to do (as it were) from this disk, which breaks down to at least two and maybe three more days worth. Sure hope this isn't boring the good readers of the Funhouse.
- Sunny Leone
- Sunny Leone and Deanna Merryman
- Deanna Merryman
- Jennifer Korbin
'Caps and comments by Hankster:
Today's batch features a little variety that's all "Hankster Light" in nature.
First up is Ellen Barkin in scenes from "Big Easy". Ellen gives us just a hint of boob and some butt crack. By the easy unlike most
of the stuff I cap this is a good movie.
- Ellen Barkin
Then it's on to "Eurotrip" and a nice scene of Molly Schade being duped into baring her great boobs.
||From the joint France/Israel production, her is Ivgy topless and baring her bum in scenes from "Mon trésor" aka "My Treasure" (2004).
||The Israeli actress also going topless in scenes from "Mon trésor".
||The UK film "My Summer of Love" has only seen very limited screen time here in the States, but from the looks of these 'caps, the DVD will checking out. If for no other reason, Blunt's nudity.
||The exotic beauty in a bikini and showing some partial breast views in scenes from the pilot episode of a show that has apparently not been picked up called "Rocky Point". You may have seen Moon recently guest starring on "Monk", "CSI" and also in "Win a Date with Tad Hamilton!". Early next year you may be able to catch her on the big screen in "Antarctica", starring Paul Walker and Jason Biggs.
||Here is the robo-hootered Skinemax regular doing a guest spot on one of my favorite shows, "Penn & Teller: Bullshit!".
|Señor Skin takes a look at the semi-controversial UK film "9 Songs". As you may recall, this is the film by Michael Winterbottom that features several scenes with two real actors having very real sex. Click here for Scoop's comments and full details.
As for these 'caps...Stilly bares everything. There are even some very up-close and personal gyno-views (links 4 and 11)
|Pat Reeder www.comedy-wire.com
Pat's comments in yellow...
PLASTIC SURGEONS REJOICE: MISS AMERICA SAVED!
Thar She Goes! - Miss America has been saved. After being shunned by all
the broadcast networks for low ratings, the pageant has signed a multiyear
deal to air on cable's Country Music Television channel. It will still be
held in Atlantic City.
But Miss Massachusetts will have even less chance of winning.
They should move it to Nashville: sequins and Aqua-Net cost less there.
One change: instead of evening gowns, the girls will model Daisy Duke
shorts and NASCAR tank tops.
Didn't we already choose a beauty pageant winner who sings country
music? I think her name was Carrie Underwood.
KELLOGG'S NAMES CEREAL AFTER CRACK
But Crack Is Bad For Your Health! - The Sun reports that Kellogg's was
embarrassed after discovering that there is a hidden meaning for the name
of their new breakfast cereal, "Coco Rocks," which is little rock-shaped
puffs filled with chocolate. They didn't realize "Coco Rocks" is a slang
term for dark brown crack that's made by mixing chocolate pudding with
cocaine. Kellogg's is considering a name change.
Why? Crack mixed with chocolate pudding is the formula for this cereal.
They were hoping the cereal's addictive properties would be closer to
Crack mixed with chocolate pudding with milk on top is part of a
If you let your kid eat that for breakfast, YOU must be on crack.
That's nothing: you should hear what "Fruity Pebbles" means in the gay
DRUNKS IN UNUSUAL PLACES
An Appletini For The Teacher - Primary school teacher Barbara Edwards of
West London, England, is seeking her job back after she kicked drinking.
She used to keep booze at school and sneak away for a quick shot between
lessons. Her problem only became known to her bosses when she fell asleep
at her desk, and they found 200 bottles of booze in her classroom cupboard.
She said it's not fair: some of that was the kids' booze.
It's true: teachers often have to bring their own supplies to school.
Come on, you can't expect someone to teach kids and NOT drink!
|A quick site note
Hey gang, we invite you to check out our new affiliate program at Scoopycash.com.
If you have your own site or blog, sign up today and earn some extra cash in 2005 by promoting the Fun House!