Saturday

Tuna
"Talons of the Eagle"

Talons of the Eagle (1992) is a Canadian B grade martial arts movie, in the so bad it's good category. It stars Billy Blanks as an American DEA agent on loan to Canada to work with Jalal Merhi in infiltrating a drug ring run by James Hong. Agent Priscilla Barnes has already infiltrated. Before they can get into the organization, they need to brush up on their martial arts skills with Master Pan (played by Qingfu Pan himself). Among the student teachers is Kelly Gallant.

What follows is completely predictable. To the cast's credit, they didn't even pretend to act. Rather, it is all fights and sex. Barnes and Kelly Gallant have see through action. Michelle Gallant and Tanya Murray as strippers both show breasts. An unknown actress also shows breasts having sex with Blanks.

IMDb readers have this at 2.9 of 10. The minor critics listed at IMDb all agree that this is a surprisingly good genre effort, with good photography, nice lighting, lots of fights and nudity, and much to laugh about, in other words, a worthy genre effort. This is a C.

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  • Kelly Gallant (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)
  • Michelle Gallant (1, 2, 3)
  • Priscilla Barnes (1, 2, 3)
  • Tanya Murray (1, 2, 3, 4)
  • Unknown (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)

    • Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)

    Hi, y'all. I'm taking a mini-vacation. I'll still be digging up some other crap every day, and will chip in with some movies as well, but not with my usual volume of verbiage and such! In addition to the comments below, I also did four more collages from the ICMS caps.

     

    Stateline Motel (1975):

    ICMS had this film pegged perfectly, so I have nothing more to say. Good script. Bad execution. Terrible DVD. This is one film that would be worth remaking with real actors. Anyway, here's Ursula

    • Ursula Andress (1, 2, 3, 4)

     

    Other Crap:

    Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the links above, since it's sorta in real time.

    Click here to submit a URL for Other Crap

     

     

    MOVIE REVIEWS:

    Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

     

    • The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
    • If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
    • A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
    • If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

    ICMS

    Words, pictures, and vids from ICMS

     
     
    No big scoop today I'm afraid but these three German actresses aren't bad looking either, certainly not with their clothes off.

     

    "Für immer und immer" (1997)

     

    First there's Jeanette Arndt in a triple B performance in "Für immer und immer" (1997; forever and ever). I still remember that she was a very cruel mother for her little girl in this film. Could it be that the girl even had to fear for her life? (Note: I cut a small part of the shower scene where the little girl could be seen naked with her film mother. Although it doesn't bother me, I realize this material is too sensitive and this kind of nudity is certainly not the purpose of the Fun House IMHO)
     

    "Krieger und Liebhaber" (2000)

    In "Krieger und Liebhaber" (2000; warriors and lovers) Marie Bäumer unveils her shapely body in a somewhat silly erotic scene before taking a bath. Meanwhile Rebecca Mosselmann shows her breasts in a nightclub.

    Caps and collages of these three actresses can be found in the Encyclopedia and/or back issues as well. Please enjoy the show.

    A quick site note
    Hey gang, we invite you to check out our new affiliate program at Scoopycash.com.

    If you have your own site or blog, sign up today and earn some extra cash in 2005 by promoting the Fun House!

    Today's Paparazzi pics!
    As Brainscan and I have said on several occasions, Jessica Alba is a goddess. Need proof? Just check out link #2 of this batch of paparazzi pics featuring Alba at the beach. No make up, no movie cameras, no studio lighting and no CG effect...just pure beauty.

    Oh, and for those with dirtier minds (like me) links 4 and 5 feature Alba on all fours.

    Mister Grundy
    'Caps and comments by Mister Grundy:

    THE AWAKENING OF ANNIE (1973) was directed by Zygmunt Sulistrowski, who has made several other softcore sexploitationers, mainly French/Brazilian co-productions. This one serves as a real time capsule piece; on one hand, there is much filler material of nude families (of which the innocent showcasing of children is totally at odds with today's mores), and coupling couples (if not threesomes). The plot revolves around the virginal Annie who, for one so innocent, has no trouble accepting an invitation of a photographer to travel to Rio, and posing nude. The problem is, a sexual assault from her past has shut her off to the idea of sex, yet that doesn't stop her from financially taking advantage of the shutterbug. He finally tries his hands at the blonde, in uninvited fashion. So we have one scene after another of abused women, a theme that wouldn't easily fly, these days.

  • ANNIE FRIEDMANN is the star who mainly non-acts her way out of this paper bag. Her charms are on display at every opportunity. She has appeared in only one other movie, a French film from 1975, where her on-screen character was also named "Annie."

  • ANNIE FRIEDMANN in the scene that caused her character such anguished frigidity: a sexual assault by one of the most gruesome villains in cinematic history. Since our heroine idenitifies herself as a virgin in the film, and the alternate title of ANNIE THE VIRGIN OF SAINT TROPEZ confirms this status, at least her attacker must not have gone all the way.

  • UNKNOWN who plays "Claudie", a woman who gets attacked in the film's conclusion by criminals.

  • UNKNOWNS frolicking in the lengthy "travelogue" part of the film.


    THIS NIGHT I'LL POSSESS YOUR CORPSE ("Esta Noite Encarnarei no Teu Cadáver," 1967) is the more ambitious effort by Brazilian filmmaker José Mojica Marins, commonly known as "Coffin Joe," including a memorably creative depiction of Hell. The villain collects females in an attempt to mate, but those who fall short of his mark are marked for death. In the beginning title sequence, the names of individual cast members are superimposed over portraits of the actors, which I have used as a means for identification (the film's end credits are unrevealing). However, discrepancies exist in the film's IMDb listing, so it may be the bizarre filmmaker might have been pulling a fast one... deliberately featuring different names over the title sequence's faces. You just can't trust anyone nicknamed Coffin Joe.

  • SEBASTIANA DANTAS is one of the lasses who winds up in Coffin Joe's rejection pile.

  • UNKNOWNS in the "Hell" sequence, bare-ly surviving

  • VANIA RANGEL (Tina Wohlers, IMDb) is Laura, who falls hopelessly in love with the long fingernailed gent, and winds up as Coffin Joe's mate.

  • TINA WOHLERS (Nadia Freitas, IMDb) is Marcia, the winner of Coffin Joe's affections, among the kidnapped women.

  • ESMERELDA RUCHEL is Jandra, who puts a curse on Coffin Joe. When he discovers she was pregnant, his conscience is torn, being selectively pro-life.


    THE NOTORIOUS DAUGHTER OF FANNY HILL (1966) is a dull David Friedman effort spotlighting the daughter of an English hooker from the 18th century. The cinematographer was László Kovács.

  • GINGER HALE is one of the trio of women engaged in a sexual parlor game.

  • LETITIA FARRELL is the second component of the aforementioned trio.

  • STACEY WALKER plays the title role of Kissy Hill. The trashy Texan was discovered by the producer, fed a hot dog, and went on to titty flick fame. Her undoing (or salvation) might have been hooking up with a loser boyfriend (he appeared as the press agent in a Friedman short, BUT CHARLIE I NEVER PLAYED VOLLEYBALL); a major studio expressed interest in Stacey, and when Friedman set out to pick up his star for the fateful screen test, Stacey had cleared out of her apartment, bidding farewell to Hollywood. She also appeared in another Friedman film, from the same year.


  • AUDREY HEPBURN was the winner of last year's 'most beautiful woman of all time' survey, conducted by "a panel of experts." As such, I've noticed she is woefully under-represented in the Scoopy archives. One reason is that the spoilsport star never shed all for her art. Yet, it's only fair to see if she had what it takes to deserve such a lofty title, and we can scrutinize her angles from 1964'S PARIS WHEN IT SIZZLES (featuring a couple of scenes of "tease" nudity). The luminous waif did her bit for the Dutch Resistance when the Nazis occupied her native land; she became a humanitarian in later life, and succumbed to colon cancer twelve years ago.

  • UNKNOWNS bathing beauties at the beck and call of Noel Coward's film producer in PARIS WHEN IT SIZZLES.


    TEENAGE CATGIRLS IN HEAT is a 1997 Troma release already covered in the Scoopy archives, but hopefully some new ground has been explored with the following.

  • ROBIN BIGGS is one of the main catgirls, given a few lines to purr.

  • CARRIE VANSTON is the lead, Cleo. While few other ladies in the cast can claim other screen credits, Ms. Vanston moved out to Hollywood to carve out her acting fortune. She's the serious actress in the bunch, and thus does not expose any significant flesh.

  • MELISSA ENGQUIST didn't mind getting all wet, quite a sacrifice for a pussycat.

  • LISA MOORE has a walk-on that's eye-catching

  • NANCY VANHOOZER provides minor electricity as the Power Pole-cat. One of the useless DVD commentary's few revelations had one of the filmmakers ask whether this actress was TINA MARTORELL, with another replying in the affirmative. If true, the end credit identification could be flawed.

  • UNKNOWNS, some of whom are undoubtedly among the generic catgirls from the end credits, including Martha Morales, Terry Newman, Kerry Schmidt, Arwen Tedhams, Helen Mary Marek, and April Adams. It's remarkable this low-budgeter, shooting in Austin, Texas, managed to get the ladies to show their assets and not much else. Unless paid highly, it may not be easy to get a woman to be so revealing; the only other time an actress will usually do so is if she thinks her career will be advanced, by showcasing her talent.


    As always, Mister Grundy invites you to vist his Sick Sexy Sinema Shots Yahoo forum.

    • Vejiita
    'Caps and comments by Vejiita:

    First up today...here some caps of Jena Romano from the horror movie "Voyeur.com".

    • Jena Romano in a shower scene. Plenty of toplessness, plus rear views in links 6,7 and 8 and frontal nudity in 9,10 and 11. (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11)


    Next up, some 'caps of Lee Blakemore in scenes from the movie "Blood". It's a pretty good little film. The movie is about some doctors who manipulate the blood of a woman and turn it into a powerful addictive narcotic. One of the doctors tries to help her, but he ends up as a victim of his own creation.

    Variety
    Paget Brewster
    (1, 2, 3)

    		DeadLamb 'caps of the co-star of the Showtime series "Huff!" showing off a great pair of legas as well as some amazing cleavage during a guest appearance on the Charlie Sheen sit-com, "Two and a Half Men".

    Malin Akerman
    (1, 2, 3, 4)

    		Señor Skin 'caps of the Swedish babe going topless in scenes from the low brow comedy "Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle" (2004).

    Pat Reeder www.comedy-wire.com
    Pat's comments in yellow...

    DUMBEST WARNING LABELS OF 2004
    Warning: You May Bust A Gut - Michigan Lawsuit Abuse Watch has named its Wacky Warning Label Award winners for 2004. Third prize went to a digital thermometer that said, "Once used rectally, the thermometer should not be used orally." Second place was won by a children's scooter that warned, "This product moves when used." But the dumbest warning of 2004 was on a toilet brush: "Do not use for personal hygiene."

  • Too bad: it's the perfect size to be Julia Roberts' toothbrush.
  • They do make really good back scratchers...or so I've been told.


    EROTIC DANCER WINS COURT CASE
    Sweet! - Christy Sweet's Personal Dances, a one-on-one erotic dance service in Key West, Florida, was shut down by the city in a crackdown on adult entertainment. But Sweet took them to court, arguing that Key West's economy is based on debauchery, with the top tourist attraction being the Halloween Fantasy Fest, a parade in which people dance down the street wearing only body paint. She said if that's legal, then her business is, too. A federal judge said he was inclined to agree. The city settled, allowing her to reopen and paying her $19,000 in legal costs.

  • All in one dollar bills.
  • Turns out she wasn't obscene, she was just "festive."
  • The officials let her reopen, once they started thinking of her as a tourist attraction.
  • This is what your grandmother means when she complains about people "parading around naked."


    PROTESTS OVER "SPRINGER" OPERA
    Paging Donald Wildmon - The BBC's plans to air "Jerry Springer: The Opera" have sparked a record 5,500 complaints before it's even debuted. The opera, inspired by the trash talk show, plays to packed theaters and has won awards, but it has 3,168 f-words, 297 c-words, songs with such titles as "Pregnant by a Transsexual" and "Here Come the Hookers," and a diaper-wearing Jesus who admits He is "a bit gay." Critics blamed the complaints on organized "religious bullies," and the BBC plans to air it anyway.

  • They air "The Jerry Springer Show," and that's a lot worse.
  • The religious bullies should try bashing them with chairs.
  • 3,168 f-words?! This is why the guy who presses the bleep button on Jerry Springer's show has carpal tunnel syndrome.
  • Fans of this show know nothing about opera, but they know what they like.


    MAN ALREADY IN LINE FOR "STAR WARS"
    Moronic, You Are! - Jeff Twieden of Seattle is so anxious to see "Star Wars: Episode Three," he's already camping in front of the Cinerama Theater in freezing weather to be first in line. It doesn't open for 22 weeks, and he's not even sure it will play at the Cinerama. He did the same thing for the last "Star Wars" movie, and he said, "A lot of people say, "Get a life," but "'Star Wars' is about independence and freedom, and that's really what this wait is about."

  • His independence and freedom from employment.
  • Seems to me this wait is more about expectation and disappointment.
  • Besides, if he weren't camped out at the theater, he'd be living with his parents.
  • If it doesn't open there, he'll be first in line to see the next David Spade movie.