"Club Dread"

Club Dread (2004) is supposedly a comedy send-up in the 70s style of slasher films by the comedy troop Broken Lizard. It takes place on a tropical island in Costa Rica (actually shot in Mexico) at a young swingers resort run by a Jimmy Buffet character, called Coconut Pete, and played by Bill Paxton. Somebody starts slashing the staff with a machete, even before the credits. So, everyone has to figure out whodunnit, stay alive, and hide the problems from the guests.

I watched the entire film without so much as a chuckle, and there wasn't a single startle moment in the entire film. While I was working on the captures, I listened to one of the commentaries, and even after the director pointed out the funny parts, I still found nothing to laugh at. Three identifiable women show breasts, two of them before the opening credits. They are Elena Lyons, Jordan Ladd and Tanya Reichart. Two other women show breasts in a long dark shot by the pool at night. IMDb readers have it at 5.4 of 10. It did not do at all well at the box office. Ebert awarded 2 1/2 stars. My guess is that he is a Jimmy Buffett fan, as Paxton and the Buffett parody was the most entertaining aspect. This is a C-. It is technically competent but lacks both sufficient humor and fright to work as ether a comedy of a slasher.

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  • Elena Lyons (1, 2, 3)
  • Jordan Ladd (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)
  • Tanja Reichert (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
  • Unknown (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

    "Cruel Game"

    Cruel Game (2001) probably considers itself an erotic thriller. The acting and the score are consistent with that genre, as is the editing. What it really is, however, is a 70 minute romantic soap followed by a 19 minute thriller that really needed to be a complete surprise to be at all effective, Unfortunately, they changed the title from She Said I Love You to Cruel Game, so we knew all along that something untoward was actually going on.

    Brad (Adam Baratta) has big money from an inheritance, and runs a successful company producing commercials. He has commitment issues after his mother did something nasty to his father, which is never really explained. He is wildly successful with women, but refuses to get close, that is, until Yuki (Jennifer Tung). Yuki shares an apartment with Carrie Stevens, who wore a staple in her navel in June, 1997. Brad is doing Stevens on a regular basis, but has started dating Yuki, and is falling for her.

    Any more plot would spoil what surprise there is left in this film. Although there are sex scenes with both Tung and Stevens, the only exposure is brief breasts and partial buns from Stevens. IMDb readers have this at 3.5 of 10, with only 13 votes in the three years since release. As near as I can tell, this never had a theatrical release of any kind. Some of the supporting cast did a good job, and I have a nagging feeling that, in the hands of a better writer, this could have been watchable. As it is, it is a colossal waste of time. D.

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  • Carrie Stevens (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17)

  • Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)



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    Here are the latest movie reviews available at

    • The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
    • If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
    • A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
    • If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.


    Words from Scoop.

    .avi's from Shiloh.

    .wmv files made by Scoop from Shiloh's .avi's.


    The Chamomile Lawn

    Unless you're from the UK or a big film buff, you probably don't know who the hell Jennifer Ehle is. And that is really a shame. She is one of those women whose lack of international superstardom is a mystery to me. She is a beautiful woman, photogenic, and a competent actress. She has a very animated face, and the  camera loves her in every way - picking up radiance as well as outer beauty. And, most important of all, she does nudity and looks great with her clothes off.

    Quiet Days

    • Natalie Wood's look-alike daughter, Natasha Gregson Wagner, showing off all the goodies in Quiet Days in Hollywood (.wmv, .avi)


    Perhaps these tips will help if you have trouble with the codecs for these movies:

    Shiloh says:

    FYI when I hypercam vids to make the file size smaller I use DivX MPEG-4 Fast-Motion for the video compressor, then I use virtualdub to compress the audio. The properties for the vids says the video codec:  DivX Decoder Filter & audio codec:  Morgan Stream Switcher which I'm not familiar with. When I compress the audio with virtualdub I use MPEG Layer-3.  A friend of mine told me about compressing the audio about (6) mos. ago. Like I said previously, only been capping for a year & a half & I'm no expert. Hopefully this info will help members with the proper codecs for my vids.
    When I cap big brother's I use hypercam mostly & sdp & asfrecorder if the set up allows me. I stopped using camtasia cause the file sizes were always too big, could never figure out the process, over my head lol, plus it cost too much to buy in my opinion.

    A reader says:

    You mentioned that some users were having trouble with the videos on your site. There is a tool designed to determine what codec is needed for a video. Hope this is useful to you or your users.

    Scoop says:

    I made the .wmv versions of each video. The codecs for these: Windows Video V8, Windows Audio 9. The upside of these is that you know the codecs, and they'll play in the Windows Media Player. The downside is that they are slightly larger, and slightly lower quality.

    'Caps and comments by Brainscan:

    Andy Sidaris has a cult following. Guess I'm part of it. I've seen all of his movies, including The Racing Scene and Stacey, so when I rented the DVD of Hard Ticket to Hawaii I wasn't expecting any surprises. But I ran into a couple.

    First off, Hard Ticket is the iconic Sidaris movie. Malibu Express has more nudity and way more cornball humor than the typical Sidaris film, so it's out of the running. Stacey started the trend of using Heffers as stars and eye-candy but it and Seven gave us only one to ogle. From Hard Ticket onward to Return to Savage Beach we have the following elements: 1) Hawaii; 2) Dona Speir as a tough agent for some secret gov't agency (a similar agent had been played by Sybil Danning in Seven and would be played by Julie Strain in the last few movies); 3) hot-tubs with naked babes; 4) Heffers playing characters with the same first names as the acrresses; 5) toplessness that was gratuitous in scenes that were not.

    In the context of the last element it is fair to say that the iconic Sidaris scene is found early in Hard Ticket. Like John Wayne on horseback as the sun sets over the Painted Desert in a John Ford movie. Or a malevolent force at work in American surburbia in a Speilberg movie. Icons, all.

    In The Scene, the exuberantly built Ms. Speir and uber-cutie, Hope Marie Carlton stand topless in a hot-tub, cut open a found package and discover diamonds. The scene is essential to the progress of the plot, whereas the toplessness is as gratuitous as it is welcome.

    The Scene has been capped by some of the best artists in the business, as have the other topless events in Hard Ticket by Dona, Hope Marie and two other Heffers (Cynthia Brimhall (yummy) and Patty Duffek). So I wasn't gonna do nuthin' with it until I got to the credits and found a series of three-second clips of alternate camera angles for The Scene and for all the other nekkid Heffer scenes. Them I capped and I added a collage of Hope Marie from The Scene because it is The Scene. Oh yeah, and there were production stills of the babes but only the ones with Patty Duffek were any good.

    So I'm thinking that if the Honorable Mr. Sidaris had these clips and these stills hanging about the house, perhaps he has others. And perhaps he could make a disk with his outtakes and sell them. Perhaps all he needs is a little encouragement.

    And while I was capping out of character as that is for lil' ol' me... I thought I'd look at What's Up Tiger Lily? Credits at the end of the movie have former Heffer China Lee stripping down to her undies while Woody Allen watches her. Maybe that was the start of a certain preoccupation with young Asian women. Who knows? Then there is a single frame of an animated Woody with his hands over the breasts of a young Asian woman. Hmmm. He looks embarrassed.

    Tiger Lily was the first of Mr. Allen's productions, although it involved nothing more than dubbing new dialogue over a Japanese James Bond movie. Very uneven, funny only in Mel Brooksian, grab you by the throat and scream at you to laugh sort of way. Worth a look only for historical reasons.

    Crimson Ghost
    'Caps and comments by The Ghost:

    Today we feature Aussie actress and former "Baywatch" babe Simmone Jade MacKinnon starring in a quartet of Oversize Critter Movies....

    "The Lost World" (1999)
    Simmone Jade MacKinnon guests stars on the syndicated series as the queen of a hive of extremely large bees. There were two versions of her rising from a pool of honey filmed. In the first she is topless, but her hair covers her breasts. In the second version of the scene her hair is pulled back revealing her breasts.

    • Simmone Jade MacKinnon (links #7 and #8 feature the toplessness) (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)

    • Simmone Jade MacKinnon .wmvs (Link #2 is the nekkid version). (1, 2)

    "Python 2" (2002)
    Simmone Jade MacKinnon stars along side Dana Ashbrook (Twin Peaks) in a film about a reasonably smart, supersized snake wreaking havoc in and around a secret Russian military base.

    • Simmone Jade MacKinnon (no nudity) (1, 2)

    "Deep Shock" (2003)
    Simmone Jade MacKinnon stars along side David Keith (Officer And A Gentleman, Daredevil) in a film about very smart, reasonably oversized electric eels that threaten submarines in the arctic.

    • Simmone Jade MacKinnon (face only) (1, 2, 3, 4)

    "Dark Waters" (2004)
    Simmone Jade MacKinnon stars along side Lorenzo Lamas (Snake Eater, The Renegade, The Immortal) in a film about supersized, super smart sharks menacing submarines and surface ships in the Gulf of Mexico.

    • Simmone Jade MacKinnon, exellent cleavage, bikini and wet t-shirt views. (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23)

    • Simmone Jade MacKinnon, bikini scene .wmvs (1, 2)

    "Attila" (2001)
    And a couple of non-critter movie bonus images from the Attila the Hun biography.

    • Simmone Jade MacKinnon (1, 2, 3, 4)

    Katie Holmes Katie's fantastic (and sadly her only) toplessness in scenes from "The Gift" (2000). Look for Katie on the big screen next summer in the new Batman movie. 'Caps by Twitchy.

    Christina Ricci Ricci topless in scenes from "Prozac Nation".

    Claudia Jennings
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10)

    The former Heffer O' the Year (1970) and 70's Drive-In babe going topless and full frontal (link #7) in scenes from "The Great Texas Dynamite Chase" (1976).

    Joanna Pacula
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13)

    Señor Skin 'caps of the Polish actress baring all in scenes from 1992's "Husbands and Lovers".

    Pat Reeder
    Pat's comments in yellow...

    Bad Material, Girl - Tuesday in Los Angeles, Madonna canceled the second date of her first tour in three years due to stomach flu, but she issued a statement saying she would be "back at 100 percent" by today. The BBC reports that some fans were upset that the show is short on old hits and long on spiritual and anti-war statements. One griped, "Nobody cares about her political views...I mean, come on, dude, get out there, start dancing! She didn't even sing 'Like A Virgin' or anything! Come on!"

  • Fans wanted "Like A Virgin," and what they got was like a lecture.
  • At this late date, she can't even remember what it feels like to be LIKE a virgin.
  • It was especially annoying when she blamed her stomach flu on George W. Bush.

    Everyone's A Critic - Saturday in Mansfield, Massachusetts, Cyndi Lauper was reaching for a high note during the opening number of an outdoor concert when a passing sparrow dropped a load of bird poop right into her open mouth. She just wiped her tongue on her sleeve and kept singing. But backstage afterward, she griped that another bird once plopped on her head onstage, and her grandmother told her it was good luck, "but I think it's disgusting."

  • Hey, birds just wanna have fun.
  • That's when she first got the idea to have multi-colored hair.
  • Wouldn't it be great if an American eagle did this to Madonna while she was spouting off about politics?

    Tune In And Watch Them Not Eat! - NBC will air a new eight-episode reality series in which plus-size contestants compete against each other to see who can lose the most weight without any surgery or liposuction. It will be called "The Biggest Loser."

  • That could be the name of ANY reality show.
  • But the important thing to remember is that, in this show, they're really ALL losers.
  • Make them spend eight weeks on "Fear Factor"...That'll kill their appetites.

    Moore Is Less - "Fahrenheit 9/11" will have competition this summer: young filmmaker Michael Wilson is releasing a documentary in the same style called "Michael Moore Hates America." Wilson says it's not a hatchet job; he just humorously points out how Moore twists the truth to make political points and visits with average people who disagree with Moore and love America. But after months of filming, Wilson has yet to get an interview with Moore. He said the situation has reversed, and Moore is now the rich celebrity trying to dodge a young filmmaker who wants to ask uncomfortable questions.

  • Michael Moore is now the fat cat...The really, really fat cat.
  • Has he tried offering him a box of Krispy Kremes?
  • He even bought a special wide-angle lens for the interview.
  • This film will get a standing ovation at Cannes, from Frenchmen walking out.

    Birth Of The Blues - The Heilongjiang Morning Post of China reports that Jian Feng was horrified when his wife gave birth to an ugly baby daughter. He suspected her of cheating until she confessed that before their whirlwind romance and marriage, she'd had $127,000 (US) worth of plastic surgery in South Korea. She showed him a picture of how she used to look. He divorced her and successfully sued her for $99,000 for deceit.

  • That's how much he'll have to spend on his daughter's plastic surgery.
  • He WILL miss her breasts, though...
  • She gave birth to an 8-pound, 2-ounce nose with a baby attached.
  • His wife was a Swan, but their kid looked more like an ostrich.
  • Remember when the two subjects on "Extreme Makeover" got married? Their kids are gonna look like orangutans.