Happy Thanksgiving to you Americans

The Notebook (2005):

The Notebook is adapted from a best-selling novel by Nicholas Sparks, who is a member of a very exclusive club - the society of men who write timeless best-selling romantic novels for women. Since their membership roster is part of the vast body of erudition outside my areas of knowledge, the only other club member I can name is Robert James Waller, the guy who wrote The Bridges of Madison County. Those two men have some things in common, perhaps the most important of which is that they both came from outside the world of letters when they became novelists. Professor Waller taught applied mathematics and economic theory for a couple of decades before his first mass market book was published, and he was 53 years old when The Bridges of Madison Country became a publishing phenomenon. Nicholas Sparks had a business/finance degree and was working as a pharmaceutical sales rep when The Notebook broke through, although he had always wanted to be a writer and had written a novel when he was still a 19-year-old undergraduate at Notre Dame.

The Notebook qualifies as an official chick-flick by our objective definition: the score assigned by female voters (8.7) is a full point higher than the score from male voters (7.7). Therefore, instead of telling you how I feel about this movie, I think I can sum up its appeal with the following information. I have a nineteen year old daughter and a fourteen year old niece. The former's favorite movie was Titanic. The latter's is The Notebook. My niece and her friends watch The Notebook again and again, and they are still talking about it now, although it has been gone from theaters for more than a year, and was released on DVD five months ago. It is the ultimate film for eighth grade white girls, a Degas painting for the new millennium. Hell, I'm trying to figure out why this movie only grossed eighty million, given that every young teen girl loves it and that so many women of all ages have read the book.

This chart tells the story:

age Male Female
below 18 8.4 9.2
18-29 7.6 8.8
30-49 7.6 8.2
above 49 7.8 8.3

Yes, it is a chick-flick, but boys actually like the movie, and men don't hate it at all. The lowest score on the chart, 7.6, is still in classic territory, while the 9.2 is off the charts, and that score has actually been adjusted downward through some arithmetical finagling. The unadjusted average of these votes is 9.5! IMDb doesn't publish Top Ten lists by demographic sub-group, but this is probably the most popular film of all time among young girls. Amelie is rated only 8.9 by the same group.

And it made money. A lot of money.

Publishers have always known that there is a tremendous commercial market for "women's books." The Bridges of Madison County is the best-selling novel of all time, and Sparks's books are also phenomenally popular, with sales of about fifty million copies to date. Film producers also know that there is a massive latent market for "women's movies" - as Titanic and My Big Fat Greek Wedding have demonstrated - but that market tends to stay latent because film moguls don't really tap into that well as effectively as book publishers do. Most films continue to be made by and for men. The chick-flick gross potential normally remains dormant and its successes are difficult to predict. This was one of them. The film version of The Notebook debuted to tepid critical response (49% positive reviews) and a lukewarm opening weekend ($13 million), but it connected with female viewers. Their word-of-mouth network drove it along the same kind of path that Greek Wedding blazed, and The Notebook consistently piled on the ticket sales week after week until it had become a major commercial success ($81 million). The total-to-opening ratio of six-to-one is impressive since most films finish in the threes, but even that is still a far cry from the eighty-to-one racked up by Greek Wedding and the twenty-to-one achieved by Titanic.

The plot is uncomplicated. An old man is in a rest home. Each day he reads a romantic story to an old woman with senile dementia. As the story progresses, it becomes apparent that the story is their own, and that he is reading it in the hope that it will stir her memories of herself. The doctors tell him that senile dementia is irreversible, but that point doesn't seem to be important to him. In his view, he has nothing to lose and everything to gain. Even if he fails completely he is still getting a chance to re-live the greatest moments of his life with the woman he shared them with, and that alone gives him pleasure. And there is always that hope ...

Although there are romantic moments in both time periods, most of the action takes place in the flashbacks, which are pictorializations of the story he is reading from his notebook. Nick Cassavetes directed, and the older version of the woman is played by Nick's own mother, Gena Rolands. 

The Notebook has a very good chance to make the IMDb all-time Top 250 some day. It fact, it probably should be there now! The Hustler is rated #162, although it is rated 7.9 with 9000 votes, while The Notebook is rated 7.9 with 14000 votes!  IMDb does not explain all of its statistical modeling in depth, but they say that the top 250 list is based solely on votes from "regular voters." The Notebook is rated only 7.0 by their "top 1000" voters. (I wonder how many women are on that prestigious list. I wonder how many in that group have even seen a woman up close.) Despite the lack of enthusiasm from critics, and the IMDb "top 1000 voters," we can look back on it objectively, a year and a half after its release, and see clearly that it has become a classic of the "women's movie" genre. 

Rachel McAdams

Jamie Brown

 King Kong (1933):

According to The Numbers, King Kong was at the top of the box office in 1933 and grossed $10 million in the USA. Tickets used to cost 25 cents in those days, so 40 million people paid to see it, equivalent to about $250 million in ticket sales at today's average price. However, it must be noted that the population of the United States was only 125 million at that time, so Kong was seen by about one person out of every three. Extrapolating the percentage to the current population of 295 million would result in 94 million tickets, or about $600 million at today's ticket prices, competitive with Titanic! At the time of its theatrical run, per The Numbers, Kong was among the top four grossers of all time, exceeded only by Frankenstein ($12M), The Big Parade ($11M), and Tom Sawyer ($11M). All of those films were very strong performers. Frankenstein's $12 million would continue to hold the record for a non-animated film until 1941, when Sergeant York took the crown. Kong's 1933 total was as high as the 1948 champion! Because its costs were not exceptionally high, Kong was highly profitable for its studio. The Konger's budget was a modest $600,000 - equivalent to about nine million dollars today, per the U.S. Government database.

It also receives 100% positive reviews at IMDb, and the online comments about this film look approximately like the comments about Jesus at an agape.

So is it truly a great movie, to provoke such enthusiasm? No, not at all.

It was a major cultural event and a great technical achievement in 1933 (maybe - see the Variety review below), but there's nothing worthwhile watching today unless you are studying the history of filmmaking. Historically, it is extremely important, as important as Citizen Kane or Birth of a Nation. The film includes iconography that has become integral to the history of film as a medium, and everyone who loves movies can picture Kong atop the Empire State Building, or holding Fay Wray in his hands.

But ...

Although King Kong is historically important, it is very tedious work to watch the film today, a task roughly equivalent to reading Moby Dick in order to study the history of the American novel  - necessary, but not pleasurable.

The problems?

  • The creatures and the special effects, which were undoubtedly impressive in 1933, are laughable today. Variety's contemporary review pointed out that some of it was even laughable in 1933:

There are times when the plot takes advantage of its imaginative status and goes too far. On these occasions the customers are liable to laugh in the wrong way. A most tolerant audience at the Music Hall broke down now and then, but on the whole was exceedingly kind. It seemed that while a few details were too strong to swallow the picture, as a whole, got them.

  • The creature battles not only look fake, but they go on much too long and are repetitive.

  • The damned ape keeps changing size!

  • The acting is as bad as you'll see in any movie among the Top 250. I can say without exaggeration that it is not up to the standards of the Three Stooges shorts. (In fact, if you look closely, you'll see many of the same extras working with Kong and the Stooges.)

  • The portrayal of dark-skinned people is approximately as subtle as the portrayal of Japanese soldiers in a wartime Bugs Bunny cartoon.

  • Although the film receives a perfect 100% at Rotten Tomatoes, the contemporary reviews were not gushing. Variety declared:

It takes a couple of reels for ‘Kong’ to be believed, and until then it doesn’t grip. But after the audience becomes used to the machine-like movements and other mechanical flaws in the gigantic animals on view, and become accustomed to the phony atmosphere, they may commence to feel the power. As the story background is constantly implausible, the mechanical end must fight its own battle for audience confidence.

Fay Wray is the blonde who’s chased by Kong, grabbed twice, but finally saved. It’s a 96-minute screaming session for her, too much for any actress and any audience. With the blonde still screaming while in Kong’s palm atop the Empire state, after having screamed all the way from the first reel, another of the unbelievable facts is that Kong shouldn’t drop her and look for a non-screamer — even if he has to settle for a brunet. The light hair is a change for Miss Wray. Robert Armstrong, as the explorer, and Bruce Cabot, as the blonde’s other boy friend who doesn’t make her scream, are the remaining principal characters and are snowed under by the technical end.

As for the plot and editing - they often make no sense at all. I used to find this movie confusing and lacking in credibility when I was ten. First of all, when the ship arrives at an isolated, legendary island - it turns out that the captain can speak their isolated, legendary language. I suppose he took a legendary language minor at the Merchant Marine Academy, and I suppose he can speak every language in the world, since nobody knew in advance which language the natives would speak, or even if the island really existed at all. Then, the film simply skips over the problems of how the men got Kong on the ship, how they shackled him, and how they fed him on the trip back. One minute the giant Kong is prostrate on an island, then the next minute he has a one-ape show on Broadway in the next theater down from Jolson. Oh, yeah, then when he gets loose in New York, one of the world's most populous cities, he manages to find Fay Wray within minutes.

You know what is truly amazing to me about the critical comments about this movie? On a scale of 1 to 100, it's approximately a 10. Taken out of its historical context, it is not just a bad movie, but an abomination, one of the worst films you will ever see, maybe the worst unless you specifically make an effort to see bad movies. It is difficult to find even one good thing to say about the film - and yet the reviews are 100% positive! Talk about the ultimate Naked Emperor! To be brutally honest, you could get together with your friends, write a better script, and do better F/X on your PC. Moreover, you and your friends would probably be better actors than the people in this film, unless you hang around with Tom Green.

The new two-disk DVD, however, is tremendous. The original version of the film is now available, with all the censored scenes worked back into the film. Well, to be completely honest, it's almost the original version. The deleted/censored material is now fully restored except for the lost "spider sequence," which is covered in detail in the documentary. That gruesome sequence was shown only on opening night, and was subsequently deleted by the director himself.

The DVD even includes a commentary track by dead people - like the director and Fay Wray! Clever how they did that, although the director sounds like he's on an old-time 78 recording of a man shouting into a canyon! In addition to the two hours of film with the optional commentary track, there is another two and a half hours of documentary material about the movie, and yet another documentary on director Merian C. Cooper, who was as colorful a character as the Carl Denham character in the movie. Cooper not only wrote and directed, but even flew the plane that shot Kong off the Empire State Building!

Here are the complete contents:

  • Disc 1: The Movie
  • Original 1933 Film classic in Glorious Black and White, Newly Restored and Digitally Mastered
  • Commentary by Ray Harryhausen and Ken Ralston, with Merian C. Cooper and Fay Wray
  • I'm Kong: The Exploits of Merian C. Cooper -- 2005 documentary
  • Merian C. Cooper Movies Trailer Gallery
  • Disc 2: King-Sized Special Features
  • RKO Production 601: The Making of Kong, Eighth Wonder of the World - 7 Part Documentary including...
  • The Origins of "King Kong"
  • Willis OBrien and "Creation"
  • Cameras Roll on Kong, The Eighth Wonder
  • A Milestone in Visual Effects
  • Passion, Sound and Fury
  • The Mystery of the Lost Spider Pit Sequence
  • King Kong's Legacy
  • Creation Test Footage with Commentary by Ray Harryhausen

Fay Wray


Now and Forever (2002, 2005):

Now and Forever is a romantic drama aimed at the young teen and pre-teen girl market.  Oh, my. Two of these in one day. If The Notebook is a perfect example of how a romantic girly drama can be done well, Now and Forever is an illustration of the flip side of the coin. It will just make you cringe.

A young white girl and a Native American boy are childhood friends in Saskatoon. She even rescues him from bullies. As they move into adolescence, she keeps him as a friend but can't see him as a love interest, much to his chagrin. She wants to hang out with the cool, rich kids. The coolest guy takes her to bed, then arranges for his pals to gang-rape her, as movie cool guys so often do. Luckily her friend rescues her, thus allowing her to run off to the big city to pursue her acting career, as movie small town girls so often do and presumably because they don't make movies in Saskatoon? (Hey, they made this one, didn't they?) Poor guy. Poor girl. He's obviously the right guy for her, but she still can't cast him as the love interest.

Following the trail of movie inevitability, she contracts a dread disease and returns to Saskatoon, but this time neither her Cree friend nor his father, who is the eternally sage aphorism-spouting movie chief, can save her. And yet, somehow, the film tricks up a happy ending.  Can you guess how? No matter how outrageous your guess, you'll probably underestimate the implausibility of it all. And I'm not exaggerating.

The script is weighted down by sentimentality, phony-baloney respect for Native American mysticism, and a "sixth sense" type ending, but even if it had played it straight it would have been no better than a bottom-dwelling after-school special. Some of the words used by critics to describe it include: "schmaltz," "hokey," "saccharine,"  "candy-colored,"  "cliché,"  and "hokum."

I was saddened to see that the director of this film is Bob Clark.  He made Porky's in 1982, which is one of the most popular comedies of all time, the third highest-grossing film of 1982, and is still the highest grossing Canadian film of all time. He followed that up in 1983 with A Christmas Story, which is well up there in the IMDb Top 250, and is usually considered to be the best Christmas movie of all time.

1982-1983 must seem like a long time ago to Clark. In those days he was used to reading his reviews and seeing words like "best" amd "highest." He has now made a 180 degree turn. His 2004 release was Superbabies 2, which is now the worst movie of all time at IMDb, and his 2005 effort was Now & Forever. Actually, I guess that isn't quite fair. Now & Forever was actually lensed in 2002, but the producers didn't really know how to market it, and couldn't strike a distribution deal. It sat around for three years before it received a perfunctory micro-mini-distro in the summer of 2005 and a DVD release in November of 2005.

I am guessing that it would be considered a watchable film by young women. Although I don't have sufficient evidence to make that determination (only nine votes from the 18-29 group at IMDb, and none from the younger group), the chart is quite persuasive so far:

age male female
below 18 no votes no votes
18-29 5.1 9.8
30-44 5.9 7.1
45 or more 5.3 5.0

That 9.8 is based on only nine votes, but it is such a high score that one tends to feel it may be indicative of a genuine trend, but if you are over 30 and/or lacking a minimum of one vagina, I think I can safely advise that you are likely to hate it.

It does have one redeeming element - some nudity from Mia Kirshner, who is now the queen bee of the L-Word.

Mia Kirshner


Other Crap:

Madonna's new album rules the pop charts

:|: Life Art :|: - the coffin people!

As seen in movies ... Can you really shoot a lock off? The answer is yes - if you have a 12 gauge shotgun - but you better be a long way away when you try. If you have a rifle or a pistol, don't even bother.

National - A Kidnapper's Guide to Matt Damon

  • "So you have kidnapped Matt Damon. Good for you. Millions of Americans think about doing this their whole lives but never realize their true Matt Damon kidnapping potential. You are living the dream."

Here's that trailer for Pirates of the Caribbean 2 (The link didn't work for me the first time, so I tried it again, and it went through. It is the real deal.)

"Man, 50, pulls truck with penis"

  • "Jin-Sheng, the grandmaster of Iron Crotch, is said to have 60,000 followers worldwide. Its practitioners are known to lift hundreds of pounds with their genitals to increase energy and sexual performance. One of Jin-Shengs most famous students, a 70-year-old man in Taiwan, is said to have lifted more than 660 pounds with his penis. The grandmaster teaches Iron Crotch in Fremont and Cupertino."

More info about Iron Crotch penis training.

Conan looks far, far into the future - all the way to the year 2000, courtesy of a new time-travel partner.

A new clip from Aeon Flux

Here's a clip from Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, featuring Fiennes as Voldemort

Independent retailers exploit Blockbuster's woes.

  • Blockbuster's cash crunch has forced them to go light on certain titles, and their stock woes are multiplied by the "no late fees" policy, which has caused severe product shortages in some outlets.
  • At this moment, with on-demand cable and Netflix already taking big chunks of the potential rental pie, and virtual rental coming closer and closer to being an everyday experience, it appears that Big Blue is in big trouble.

Dear Scoop,

Things I am thankful this year...

  1. The Fun House
  2. Other Crap
  3. Carolina Panther Cheerleaders
  4. Jessica Alba on the beach in this bikini.

Happy Thanksgiving to all!

-Cheerleader Guy

Nuke the FCC, part 93: A wide spectrum of groups will testify in a Senate forum on broadcast indecency.

  • The downside of this forum is expressed clearly here: "One issue that's sure to spark debate is the push by some to include cable programming, as well as premium channels, to adhere to broadcast-industry indecency standards."
  • And how long before they try the same stunts with the internet?
  • And the FCC only costs us taxpayers $300 million per year. Such a value!
  • Why the FCC should die

"Bad Gifts to Give a 2 Year Old"

It looks like somebody leaked the trailer for Pirates of the Caribbean 2. (I guess. The trailer was already gone by the time I got there, which seems to indicate it wasn't supposed to be there at all.)

Re: The Libertine, with Johnny Depp ... "The MPAA was so scandalized by the 'graphic sexuality and nudity' in the flick that its ratings board spanked it with an NC-17."

  • "That meant that many newspapers wouldn't accept ads for it. After sitting on the shelf for much of a year, it has now been sanitized to the point where it's earned an R."
  • (We hope that the NC-17 version will be on the DVD.)
  • "Meanwhile, Scandinavian director Lasse Hallstrom is peeved that an under-the-table sex scene involving Heath Ledger has earned his Casanova an R rating."

Tommy, we hardly knew ye: "Americans pay more to know Turkey before eating" (It was the headline writer's decision to capitalize Turkey, but no other words in the sentence. Perhaps it means the country?)

  • "Today we come to pay honor to our friend Tom. It seems like just yesterday when he first came into our lives, so proud, so free, the noble descendant of the very turkey eaten by the first Pilgrims so many Autumns ago. A tear stains my cheek when I hear his youthful gobble in my mind's ear. I know he would be pleased to be reunited today with his childhood playmates, Spud the Potato and Spooky the Pumpkin."

Teri Hatcher is suing a British tabloid newspaper for libel over its claims she had 'sex romps' with men in a Volkswagen van. Let me guess the nature of her case. It was a Chevy.

Tom Cruise has revealed he will not wed fiancee Katie Holmes until after their baby is born


Top Ten Dr. Phil Tips to Dave For Interviewing Oprah.

The 25 Least Important Canadian Books

Conan O'Brien's quotables for the week of Nov 15-18

  • "This week Supreme Court nominee Samuel Alito said that he's embarrassed by some of the things he wrote in the 1980s. It turns out Alito wrote the song 'Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go.'"
  • "The other day in Philadelphia a kindergarten teacher found a five-year-old student with eight bags of heroin. The teachers became suspicious when they noticed the child had a Courtney Love lunch box."

Tremendous picture of Saturn's tiny moon, Pandora

Stephen Colbert puts pant cuffs on notice.

Donovan McNabb - out for the year. The Eagles are in last place in their division, so I suppose this is the ideal time to take care of his surgery.

Ortiz says: Manny not returning to Boston.

  • There will be no shortage of teams interested in the moody slugger, but very few can pony up his price of $19 million per year. The New York teams have the money, but presumably the Yanks and Mets are not possibilities, since Manny wants to leave Boston to avoid the rabid fans and pressure to win - which would be even worse in NYC. The Angels would have to salivate over the possibility of one of the top 10 outfields in baseball history, and Manny wants to play on the Left Coast ...

No Ouija board in Ouija board movie ... and the title has been changed as well. Turns out the filmmakers couldn't afford to pay Parker Brothers for the right to use the name. It was doubly troublesome since the film was based on a true story! Oops!

Web Browser Developers Work Together on Security. It's about damned time.

SONY's vaunted and controversial copyrighjt protection system can be by-passed with a small piece of Scotch Tape! That's what they get for only spending three gazillion dollars to develop that system!



Movie Reviews:

Yellow asterisk: funny (maybe). White asterisk: expanded format. Blue asterisk: not mine. No asterisk: it probably sucks.


Wild Orchid II: Two Shades of Blue (1992):

This is a Zalman King "couples erotica" piece. Like all of his other work, it is beautifully photographed, although a little dark. It has the look and feel of his early Red Shoe Diaries directorial efforts. Blue is about 16 years old, and travels from gig to gig with her junkie musician father. She gives her virginity to a club owner to get some junk for her father, as he is in bad shape. Unable to face what she had to do, he kills himself, leaving her alone and penniless. The club owner convinces her to become a prostitute at the establishment of a friend in which he hold partial interest. Meanwhile, Blue has met a young man with qualities that appeal to her.

Her stay in the fancy house was not to her liking, and the body guard, unwilling to see another life ruined, leaves with her, renting a house. She goes back to finish High School, and starts dating the rich young man, who also happens to be the quarterback of the football team. Her former madam doesn't let her escape the life so easily.

Blue is played by Nina Siemaszko, who shows breasts, buns, and a hint of bush. There is additional nudity from Gloria Reuben, Lydie Denier and several unknowns. IMDb says 3.5 of 10. This would have made a good Red Shoe Diary episode, but, at 111 minutes is way too long for the amount of plot it contains. The running time is stretched with lengthy photo montages that don't advance the plot. Also, the sex shows little passion. Siemaszko becomes a very sympathetic character, and does a good job with the role. This is a C- at best. It is well acted and photographed, but has a languid pace and little passion.


Scoop's note:

The DVD is not recommended, although the transfer is fine. Unfortunately, the DVD includes only the 108 minute R-rated version, which is missing the best Siemaszko nudity. There are two different VHS variations, one of which has the 112 minute version which is uncut and unrated.


Nina Siemaszko

Lydie Denier

Gloria Reuben









Gisele Mendez in Hollywood Sexcapades

Happy Thanksgiving!




Dann reports on House of Voices:

Weird and scary 2004 horror film, a ghost story really, features a (apparently really) pregnant Virginie Ledoyen as a young woman brought in to clean up an orphanage that is being closed down. The children are all moved out leaving only the young cleaning woman, the very old housekeeper, and one orphan, mentally disturbed, who has not yet been relocated.

The young woman is trying to hide her pregnancy from the others by wrapping her middle with cloth, but as the days go by, she starts becoming ill from the pregnancy. Or is something else causing it?

As things progress, she begins to hear footsteps and voices of children, but the other two see nothing. Soon after, she begins to see the children themselves running and playing. Or does she really see anything?

This is a strange but well-done effort, and although not everyone will like it, I did, quite a lot. I was especially impressed by Virginie Ledoyen's performance, which was very good, and by the shocking ending.

Virginie Ledoyen



A Happy Turkey Day to all and let's get this out of the way so we can get ready for the highlight of the day, football.
Today it's back to "Tomb of the Werewolf". First up is Monique Alexander with a little tittie.

Then Jacy Andrews is a "Babe in Bondage" big boobies exposed and tormented by Michelle Bauer (still making movies).

Michelle Bauer shows us she is still willing to show off her assets. This lady has a long history in the B-Movie genre!

More breasts from Kennedy Johnston.

We wind up the day with Beverly Lynne with more of the same.

On to the turkey and the games.



No time for blather tonight, but I thought you would like the Albalicious collage and the latest joint ventures with Master Tuna's work. 

Lisa Glaser

Humanoids ft Deep

Lorissa McComas

Hard as Nails

Lynne Frederick


Maria Alonso


Mayko Nguyen

Going the Distance

Monique Parent

Witches Breastwick

Monique Parent

Witches Breastwick

Monique van de Ven

Keetie Tippel

Salma Hayek


Salma Hayek


Sandy Brooke

Star Slammer

Sherry Hilliard

Owning Mahowny

Simonetta Stefanelli

The Godfather

Stormy Daniels

Witches Breastwick

Taimie Hannum

Kama Sutra

Taimie Hannum

Kama Sutra

Taimie Hannum

Kama Sutra

Teri Weigel

Savage Beach

Teri Weigel

Savage Beach

Tracy Birch

Dance With Death

Tracy Birch

Dance With Death

Uschi Digart

The Godson

Zehra Leverman

The Protector


Michelle Rodriguez exposes part of her bum on broadcast TV -  on the new episode of Lost
Zononon Zor worked on some of his classic VHS tapes. Here's Phyllis Davis in Beyond the Valley of the Dolls
One more from Zon: Justina Vail in "Olga's Excellent Vacation"
Kira Reed - she's a character and by all accounts very easy to work with - shows up on Howard Stern sans panties
Shannyn Sossamon - in Kiss Kiss Bang Bang

Pat's comments in yellow...

But First, Interrogate 'Em! - Tuesday, in a Thanksgiving tradition,
President Bush "pardoned" the two White House turkeys, telling a group of
children that Marshmallow and Yam would be going to Disneyland to be grand marshals in the Thanksgiving Parade, then live on Disney's farm.   A
spokesman for the animal rights group PETA said, "I don't suppose we could
have asked for better than Disneyland and southern California.  They'll
have mental and physical stimulation as well as proper care and a nice
climate."  But probably not for long: modern turkeys are bred for eating
and are so plump, they usually don't live long beyond Thanksgiving anyway.

*  Either way, they're dead meat.
*  It's like the Make-A-Wish Foundation: they get to see Disneyland before
they die.
*  They're retiring to Disneyland, where they'll share a condo with the Big
Bad Wolf.
*  If they're not going to be eaten, why did they name them after side

His Wattle Is What Freaks Me Out - Catherine Zeta-Jones says she won't have a turkey for Thanksgiving because they make her feel ill.  She said,
"They're ugly, clammy, cold and flabby," and "They terrify me.  I hate all
the folds of pimpled flesh and the disgusting gray wrinkles around their

...But enough about Michael Douglas; why doesn't she like

..If that's the way her turkeys come out, she really MUST be a bad

Thank God For Preservatives - The Washington Times reports that one of the
staples of the American Thanksgiving dinner, the green bean casserole,
turns 50 this year.  The recipe (green beans in cream of mushroom soup
topped with crunchy fried onions) was developed by Dorcas Reilly of
Campbell Soup's corporate kitchen in 1955.  Campbell's now sells $20
million worth of soup a year just to people making green bean casserole,
which is so simple, even novice cooks can't ruin it.  But some people have
to fancy it up: even Mrs. Reilly, now 79, says that this year, she plans to
put carrots in hers.

*  Well, that'll just ruin it!!
*  Campbell's could just put the whole dish in a can, but then it wouldn't
be homemade.
*  And I thought the only 50-year-old holiday dish that was still edible
was fruitcake.

That Explains His Giant, Clown-Like Feet - Anyone wondering why Christina
Aguilera married Jordan Bratman, a guy who's not conventionally handsome,
to put it charitably, might have gotten a clue from their wedding rehearsal
dinner toasts.  The New York Daily News reports that Bratman stood up at
the table, raised his glass, and thanked his parents for his "good looks
and large penis."  His brother and dad then stood and proudly lauded the
groom's male organ, as Christina simply smiled and nodded in agreement.

*  Of course, they weren't married yet, so there's no way she could know
for sure.
*  Remember, he also claimed to have good looks, so he was probably just
*  He forgot to thank his parents for the extra-large trust fund.