Bad Bizness (2003) is a straight to vid in this country, but was released on Brazilian Skinemax as Perigo nos Bastidores. IMDB has elected to call it More Mercy. I suppose it was intended as a soft core thriller, but is way too tame to earn soft core status. It is more T & A, with two tepid sex scenes, one hetero and one girl/girl. It involves a serial killer, models by day, hookers by night dying of zip lock bag overdose, and two hotel security people investigating the murders. If I give too much of the plot, it could spoil the identity of the killer, and that would be a shame, as nothing in the film, and nothing in your collective life experiences prepares you for this one. IT is supposedly set on a tropical island in a huge resort hotel. I suppose this was necessary to allow excluding local police from the murder investigation. The resort owner did not want police or publicity because it would be bad for business.

Lets get to the good part. Female lead Tracy Bingham, as one of the two detectives, stays dressed, but we have breasts and buns from Melinda Steele, Kira Eggers, Belinda Gavin, Kim Maddox, and Regina Russell with Julie Smith in the girl/girl scene. There is no score as yet, and no reviews. The only comment, with says something about the breasts being ubiquitous, was clearly not favorable, although it didn't make much sense to me. The acting could have been worse, most scenes were brightly lit, and there was a high breast count. ON the other hand, the soundtrack sounded like it was entirely done by pirating the stereo output of low rider cars, and had nothing to do with the mood of the film, the plot was ridiculous, and the ending was highly irritating. The question becomes how to score it. GIven a bad plot, it certainly can't gain points as a real thriller. There is not enough sex or nudity for a soft core. It does not have bad movie energy going for it. There are too many long cross-fades during the sex scenes, but we do have six women showing breasts and buns, and a few even look like original equipment. I guess this is a D+. Even genre fans won't be impressed, but there is decent eye candy in the film.

OTHER CRAP:

• Chocolate Fashion Show Melts The Critics. With video of models wearing only chocolate.

• Angry white boy polka-rap. This isn't really any good, but it is weird enough to take a look at.

• Jerry Lewis has been hospitalized for several weeks.

• TIME's Top 10 Video Games of 2003

• MGM studios said on Friday it had bought the script of 'Henry Bates and the Sorcerer's Balls' -- a comic parody of both 'Harry Potter' and 'Lord of the Rings'

• Letterman's Top Ten Paris Hilton Excuses

• Letterman's Top Ten Signs Rush Limbaugh Might Not Be Ready To Come Back To Work

• The ultimate irony - President Bush says filibustering is dirty politics because a simple majority vote should decide who gets into office, as opposed to some tricky, arcane voting procedure. Like the Electoral College.

• Pay to party with a politician and a portion of your contribution will go to help abused children. An unspecified portion. Of course, the rest of the money will go to pay for political campaigns, yacht cruises, and late-night convention parties for fat cats! Three words: hookers, hookers, hookers! (Or, as we call them in Texas, "debutantes") The best part - since you are giving to abused kids - all your drinks and cruises and hookers are tax deductible! GREAT scam! Why didn't I think of this?

• Best poll results ever. 598 people vote online to say that they never vote online. A derivative of the Mudd's Robots Paradox.

• (1) A factory owner with money troubles goes to a fortune teller. (2) she gives him a magic flag to ward off bad luck (3) he climbs onto the roof of his building to raise the flag, falls to his death. Soon to be a movie starring Cuba Gooding Jr.

• Another Paris Hilton porno tape is out there, This one is supposed to be a three-way with an actor and a playmate, and involves girl/girl action. This one is legal, because it was filmed on her 22nd birthday.

• I'm not sure who this guy is, but you'll like his glamour and figure photography

• How to Talk to Your Kids About the Paris Hilton Sex Video

• Penny Singleton, 'Blondie' of the silver screen and voice of Jetsons mom, dies at 95

• NASA publishes detailed photo of Jupiter. To see the full-sized picture, go to the right hand side of the page and click on "PIA04866.jpg (179.4 kilobytes)" - and prepare to be impressed.

• Americans Warned Against Visiting Sudan Damn, there goes my whole vacation. I wonder if I can change my plane tickets to Nagorno-Karabakh.

• The City of Miami is considering making giant puppets illegal. Austin was going to do the same, but it would have meant losing Governor Perry.

• McSweeney's Pretentious Horseshit

• Who'll be the new co-host on The View?

• "truth in advertising" - GREAT STUFF! - vintage cigarette & tobacco ads from the 40s and 50s

• A MUM has stunned the medical world after tests showed she is made up of TWO women. Even more incredibly she is NOT the biological mother of two of the children she conceived and had naturally. Docs found the woman, named only as Jane, was formed from non-identical twin embryos who fused together in her own mother’s womb. Her blood and some of her organs are made up of her own cells — while other parts of her body “belong” to her unborn sister. Isn't this the plot of Basket Case?

   

Other crap archives. May also include newer material than the ones above, since it's sorta in real time.

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MOVIE REVIEWS:

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

A few assorted paparazzi edits.

• Brittany Murphy, some see-thru breast expsosure, courtesy of really bright flashes.

• Carrie-Ann Moss the "Matrix" star a little heavier than usual (due to pregnancy)

• Christina Applegate

• Clotilde Courau, the French actress' dress is just barely keeping a nipple hidden.

• Constance Zimmer, the "Good Morning, Miami" co-star showing a little cleavage.

• Debbie Matenopoulos

• Gisele Bundchen, partial rear nudity on the runway.

• Jenna Elfman

Here she is just barely keeping the puppies contained in scenes from "Spring Break Lawyer" (2001).

NASA GETS PARKING TICKET FOR ASTEROID
Payable In Laudinum - Orbital Development of Carson City, Nevada, the company that filed for legal ownership of all the celestial bodies in space and sells real estate on the moon, is suing NASA. NASA permanently landed a probe on the Eros asteroid, so Orbital Development sent NASA a bill for $20 for a century of parking and storage fees. NASA refused to pay, and now the company is suing them in a federal court in Reno for illegal parking and violating their property rights. They want $1,107 damages.