Friday the 13th


Charlie's French Cinema Nudity site is updated


Had to put down my Lab yesterday, one of the most difficult things I ever had to do. He was 13 years old, and a very sweet-natured dog. In fact, he was too gentle to be a guard dog. We'd leave him outside and he would make friends with Jehovah's Witnesses and door-to-door salesmen, rather than scaring them off! He was an incredibly dumb dog and a generally useless one, but much loved. We got Shadow in November of 1995, the same month this web site started. My daughter came to the United States that same summer, so the dog had basically always been there as part of her American life. She was nine then. She is now a graduate of UT. That's how animals help to measure and fill out our lives.




"A deadly car accident brings together a group of previously unrelated people, each of whom is forced to deal with the emotional fallout."

Man, being Canadian is sweet. It's easy to create a Canadian masterpiece.

Step 1: Find an movie from the States that is widely considered to be excellent. The winner of a Best Picture Oscar is ideal. Let's say, for example, Crash.

Step 2: Get that script into your word processing software. Do a find/replace on "Los Angeles," substituting "Vancouver." Replace "New York" with "Toronto," and "Boston" with "Montreal." Read it through once more. You may have to clean up a little bit by replacing "Harvard" with "McGill" and so forth.

Step 3: To comply with the Canadian constitution, hire either Molly Parker or Callum Keith Rennie, preferably both.

Step 4: Pick up your awards. Wear warm clothing to the ceremony.

Actually, I'm just being silly. Although the premise sounds similar, Normal isn't really anything like Crash. For one thing, there's no racial component, because ... well, apparently because Canada, at least as pictured here, seems to be populated entirely by pale white people who have to focus their irrational hatred on ethnicity rather than race.

But that's not what the film is about. There are, to the best of my knowledge, no French-Canadians to be seen, although the manager of the pizza shop does have a 1970s porno moustache, so he might be a candidate, even though his last name is never revealed and his first name is not Pierre.

A high school basketball star was killed in a car crash some time ago, and every single person in Canada blames himself or herself for the boy's death. The driver of the other car thinks he is to blame, even though the courts ruled otherwise. The boy's best friend, who was driving their car, thinks he is to blame. His mother thinks it is because she didn't raise him right. The local Dominos guy thinks the accident could have been avoided if he had just gotten them that pizza three minutes earlier and a dollar cheaper. The kid's fourth grade teacher thinks he should have never failed him in geography. The guy whose car was stolen thinks it was his fault for owning such a tempting car. Famed goalie Dominik Hasek thinks he could have saved the kid, just as he saved so many sure goals over the years. OK, maybe I fabricated a few of those, but the point is that nobody thinks that maybe the kid might have created his own problem by joyriding around town in a stolen car.

If you're scoring at home, make up a list of every possible trite and hackneyed comment that one could possibly make about a loved one taken too soon. I think you will find that the characters in the film use every single one on your list, and several more you forgot. Sometimes the characters argue over which one has spouted the proper cliché! To be fair, the film does have a few good moments, but simply doesn't work overall, and there is one key reason. The part of the dead boy's mother, a role at the film's emotional core, is so unsympathetic that I kept thinking "God, why couldn't the accident have killed her instead?" After a string or irrational and contradictory tantrums, she finally ends the film by leaving her husband because - get this - he failed to demonstrate his grief in exactly the same way that she demonstrated hers. He dealt with the tragedy by going back to work and trying to resume his routine (as many people would have done), instead of joining her in a poor impersonation of Hamlet, complete with madness and grief-laden soliloquies. I guess that will teach him to be normal.

The mom finally gets some satisfaction at the end of the film when she fails to forgive the miserable, guilt-ravaged schmuck who was driving the other car, even though that guy is the only character in the film who seems to be a complex and decent human being, and is gently taking care of his autistic brother. The mom's callous treatment of the poor, sobbing dope finally beings a smile to her face, and the film ends!

Now that's rewarding drama, hoser-style!

The good news is that mourning seems to have increased everyone's libido:

Lauren Lee Smith does the traditional Canadian three-name sex scene with Callum Keith Rennie.

Then Camille Sullivan does back-to-back sex scenes with Kevin Zegers and Andrew Airlie. First she fucks her step-son, then her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she has to seduce her husband to keep him from finding the boy in the bathroom.



  • * Yellow asterisk: funny (maybe).

  • * White asterisk: expanded format.

  • * Blue asterisk: not mine.

  • No asterisk: it probably sucks.


Catch the deluxe version of Other Crap in real time, with all the bells and whistles, here.









Today our Time Machine journey takes us to 1980. Cintia Lodetti shows off her more than ample breasts as she darn near smothers a guy. Caps and a clip.


Ivana Monti in a pretty graphic rape scene in which she is tied up and reveals ... er ... the full Monti. Caps and two clips.


Wash it all down with an unknown actress and some full frontal. Caps and a clip.







Notes and collages

Night Moves


Susan Clark










Art School Confidential


I haven't  had time lately to do much because I've been involved in building (with my son's help) a new computer and getting my hardware and software up to speed.  I'm now there and have a much faster machine, which should really help...especially on the hi-def stuff. 

As a result, I'm now making my hi-def movies at 1280x720 and they look great, although the files are larger. 

Sophia Myles film clip here. Collages below.








Twice Dead


The best of my new lot is the fave Charlie Spradling in Twice Dead, caps and clip.  As is true for so many great Funhouse-worthy performances of the 80's, Twice Dead can be found only on videotape. This makes me a sad Panda, particularly since the copy I bought has a glitch during one of Charlie's topless scenes.  I'll bet if you got the Funhouse readership in one place - a big ass convention center would do it - we could come up with a couple hundred movies that should be on DVD but are not.  This one would be close to the top of the Brainscan list.

Charlie Spradling film clip (collage below)








Mischa Barton in a see-through blouse

Kate Hudson with some kinda-sorta nudity in Fool's Gold in HDTV.

Elsa Pataky on the cover of Spanish Elle

And ten really sexy Spanish babes from the inside of the magazine

Elsa Pataky Monica Cruz Ariadne Artiles Leonor Watling Eugenia Silva
Laura Sanchez Bimba Bose Natalia Verbeke Patricia Conde Blanca Romero


Film Clips


Lea Thompson and Victoria Jackson in Casual Sex

Cassandra Peterson in her pre-Elvira days in The Working Girls

Ali McGraw in the original version of The Getaway