Coach (1978) is a teensploitation version of the much funnier Goldie Hawn film, Wildcats, and is more of a romantic comedy. It is terribly dated, in that many of the themes and events would cause major outcry in today's world, starting with the main romance between a female teacher and a High School student. Cathly Lee Crosby is a former Olympic Gold Medal winning runner, who is working teaching an exercise class at a fat farm, when a High School, not realizing she is a woman, offers her a job via telegram as their head basketball coach. They try to withdraw the offer when they discover "Randy" is a girl, but she forces them to give her a chance. Naturally the High School ball players are impressed with her tits, but not too thrilled with her as a coach. She earns their respect, partially by walking in while they are all naked in the shower, and turning off the hot water and making them stay under. She also proves to know her stuff, and even brings in her buddy Sidney Wicks for a little extra clinic. Then she starts an affair with Michael Biehn, one of her players.

The High School is more or less run by the grandfather of one of the players (Keenan Wynn) who instructs his grandson to give her nothing but trouble. The ending is the predictable last second victory over their biggest rival. There is also a subplot where the center is uncoordinated and not very bright, and other players hypnotize him into not only acing his math exam, but playing like Sidney Wicks. This is rated PG despite breast exposure from Cathy Lee Crosby, and a gratuitous scene where my ex sister-in-law, Linka Novak, and three other girls (Kristine Greco, Rosanne Katon and Robyn Pohle) flash their breasts to cheer up the team after a loss.

IMDb readers have this at 5,8, which IMDb has lowered to 4.4 using their double secret formula. So we have a female teacher torturing male students naked in the boys locker room, having an affair with one of her students, and joining in for a rowdy sing-along of Hey Lahdy Lahdy on the bus to a game, but in 1978, nobody found anything strange about any of that, including the MPAA. This is a C. It accomplishes everything this drive-in faire teensploitation was intended to accomplish, and is sort of interesting as a time capsule as well.

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  • Cathy Lee Crosby (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)
  • Lenka Novak (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)

  • Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)

    Sorted (2004):

    The UK's Channel 4 ran a series called Movie Virgins, which was kind of the British version of a reality show. It followed the fortunes of several aspiring film directors. One of them was Alex Jovy, a law school graduate and disco DJ who overcame all odds and got Sorted into the Cannes Festival, and while he was there managed to swing a distribution deal. 

    Familiar set-up.

    A young man comes from small town England to London when he hears about his brother's death. He can't let the matter drop until he know whether his brother's fall from a rooftop was an accident, the result of intoxication, suicide, or foul play. Younger brother arrives in London wearing a modest suit with a military haircut, and soon finds out that his lawyer brother was a denizen of a wild club scene in London. Country boy knows that he doesn't fit in with this group, so he enlists the aid of some of his brother's friends to get him a wardrobe and an attitude that will enable him to move his investigation forward.

    I think you can determine from that description that the plot of this film is basically by the book.

    Along the way, he hooks up with his brother's astonishingly beautiful, blond, blue-eyed girlfriend (Sienna Guillory - Helen of Troy), and the two of them butt up against the evil schemes of an over-the-top, androgynous drug dealer who speaks in 17th century phrases and apparently had something to do with older brother's death. Dr. Evil wants the younger brother to stop asking questions and will go to outlandish lengths to accomplish this. This cartoon baddie dons a smoking jacket, smokes with a cigarette holder, and wears a perpetual evil sneer as he mouths  lines like "Administer the heroin - then return her to the citadel", "We meet again, my sorrowful friend", and "Who is this maiden fair?" Unfortunately, this was not intended to be comedic, at least not as far as I can tell. Can you guess from the description who might have been cast in this villainous role? None other than the man we like to call Shatner-upon-Avon. Even when playing a normal role, Tim Curry is such a big ham that he could feed all of Poland on Easter Day, but in this role his ham content required several major religions to re-write their dietary laws to allow members of their faith to handle the film reels.

    The film does have quite a good look to it, but the only thing that really makes it at all noteworthy is the portrayal of a certain part London's night life: the raves, the drugs, the clubs. The long dance sequences are the film's drawing point for people who enjoy designer drugs and techno-pop music, but they are also the film's biggest turn-off for those who simply aren't interested in that scene or that sound.

    I never got involved in this film at all. It made so little impression on me that I can't even remember how it ends - and I just watched it about two hours ago! 

    • Fay Masterson (1, 2, 3), as a floozy sent by the evil drug lord Curry to seduce the poor Yorkshire lad away from the innocent Sienna Guillory.

    (Sorry, Sienna Guillory kept her clothes on)


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    • The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
    • If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
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    • If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

    Jr's Polls are the results of our recent "Most Overrated Movie" poll

    .Email Scoopy Jr. if suggestions for future polls.

    Here are the results of our previous polls:
    The Top 20 Nude Scenes of 2004
    The Best Nude Film Debuts of the 80s
    The Best Nude Film Debuts of the 90s
    Which actress has been the most convincing playing a stripper.
    Who has the best bum in Hollywood?
    Best All Time Television Comedy
    Best Nudity in an Oscar-winning performance
    The Top 20 Best Straight Sex Scenes
    Best Lesbian Love Scenes

    The Return of Hankster
    'Caps and comments by Hankster:

    Well folk's "The Hankster" has returned. I recently retired, so now it's either back to 'capping, or sitting at the mall.

    Today we'll kick things off by returning to one of my favorite subjects, "Damsels in "Distress". Here are a bunch of caps of Melissa Pursley all tied up in a dog of a movie called "Blood Gnome" (2004). A couple of them are without the ropes.

    Next up is today's "Hankster Light", and speaking of dogs, we have Elizabeth Hurley in "Dawg". No nudity, but she does show some pokies.

    • Elizabeth Hurley (1, 2, 3)

    Jack Snow
    'Caps and comments by Jack Snow:

    Hi Scoops!

    Here's another batch of caps from Euro-TV:

    One of the last movies by Rainer Werner Fassbinder, with Barbara Sukowa showing breasts during a wild on-stage performance and rear nudity by Y Sa Lo as a waitress wearing nothing else but an apron.

    Opera performed at the Staatsoper Stuttgart in 2000 with Catherine Nagelstad in the title role as Alcina. She wore several revealing low-cut and see-through dresses including a wardrobe malfunction.

    "Nichts ist, wie es ist"
    Christiane-Bettina Pfannkuch in her only movie role showing a nice pair of breasts.

    "Der Mörder in dir"
    Katrin Weisser briefly topless and in a see-through dress.

    • Katrin Weisser (1, 2)

    Johanna Wokalek standing topless in front of a mirror and getting dressed.

    Austrian crime series with Jutta Fastian topless in bed with some guy and busty Brigitte Kren showing some screen-filling cleavage on the episode "Alles beim Alten".

    "Vier Frauen und ein Todesfall"
    Another Austrian crime series, this time it's Martina Poel topless and getting it on with some guy on the episode "Liebessumpf".

    Fictional series about the German government, usually quite boring except for the episode "Der Verrat" when Bettina Engelhardt took off her clothes. Nice breast views plus some distant rear nudity.

    "Salto Mortale"
    Series from the early 70's with Edwige Pierre topless on the episode "London" and Karla Chadimová showing one breast on the episode "Kopenhagen".

    The nudity on the very last episode "Die Geburt" was done by Katrin Brockmann who was seen topless in two different scenes.

    Bipasha Basu
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

    C200 'caps of the Indian actress showing a little leg and her belly button in scenes from "Jism" (2003). While we see more skin on Nickelodeon, this film is considered sexually explicit by Bollywood standards.

    María Díaz
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)

    Señor Skin 'caps of the Latina actress baring breasts and bum in a love scene from the direct-to-vid movie "Extramarital" (1999), starring Fun House B-movie hero, Jeff Fahey.

    Pat Reeder
    Pat's comments in yellow...

    At Least It's Not A Barber College - Monday, Donald Trump announced the creation of Trump University. There are no grades, degrees or campus: just DVDs, seminars and two-week online courses for $300 each. Trump's spokesman said it will give people a practical business education, emphasizing "learning by doing." But a Motley Fool analyst called it "Bonehead University" and said Trump is a phony who runs "a farcical, wealth-killing, penny-stock empire," and that unless the classes include "How to be Born Rich," you'll just enrich Trump more and learn nothing.

  • But you will learn practical business lessons, like "A fool and his money are soon parted."
  • Question: DO the classes include "How to be Born Rich"? 'Cause I'd pay $300 for that.
  • Female applicants "learn by doing" Donald Trump.
  • The least popular class: "How to Go Bankrupt Running a Casino."
  • To enroll, send $300, your high school transcripts, and if you're a woman, a photo of yourself in a miniskirt.

    "Loot, I Am Your Robber!" - Over the weekend in Springfield, Illinois, at a theater showing "Revenge of the Sith," a man wearing a Darth Vader mask walked in, shoved an employee aside, grabbed the money from the register and fled into nearby woods. He showed no weapons, and police have no clue as to his identity.

  • They should see the movie...He's Anakin Skywalker!!
  • He'll be hard to identify, since there were 300 people there wearing Darth Vader masks.
  • Oh, that was just one of George Lucas's "royalty collectors."

    Read It When You're Home Alone - Next year, Miramax Books will publish "Junior," a work by a brilliant new novelist: Macaulay Culkin. Their catalog declares, "In a dizzying kaleidoscope of words and images...Culkin takes readers on a twisted tour of the darkest corners of his fertile imagination. Part memoir, part rant, part comedic tour de force, 'Junior' is full of the hard-won wisdom of Culkin's quest to come to terms with the awesome pressures of childhood mega-stardom and family dysfunction."

  • No wonder the Neverland Ranch seemed normal to him!
  • Thank God, Michael Jackson straightened him out.
  • When they turn it into a movie, thousands of kids will be competing for the lead and a chance to become a child mega-star.
  • Half the book consists of fantasies about bashing his father with paint cans and setting him on fire.

    Jerry Seinfeld Finally Gets To See Them! - Teri Hatcher told Jay Leno that she never heard the offer from Playboy to pay the female stars of "Desperate Housewives" to pose nude, but she said, "If I had, I'd be in Playboy!" Signaling her willingness to pose topless, Hatcher said, "Everyone has a price, and $10 million is mine. So I've put it out there. (My cleavage) you get for free. I mean, it's not much further."

  • Playboy wants to know if she'd show just one of them for $5 million.
  • $10 million? They're real, but they're not THAT spectacular!
  • At least at this shoot, her fellow models wouldn't be fighting over the wardrobe.

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