Wednesday

Important notes for women. This will be the only time any man ever tells you the truth about these things. If you ask me about them, I will lie and say I'm kidding, but I'm not. This is your one chance to hear the truth.

If you think you are fat, you probably are. Don't ask. We will lie.

Toilet seats require no advanced degree. When it is down, we put it up, When it is up, you can put it down.

Sometimes, we are not thinking about you, although we will lie about that, too.

Get rid of your cat. We don't really like it.

Sunday was not named after the Sun. Sun is an old Aztec word for "sports". Sunday is sports day. Get used to it

Anything you wear is fine. We can't tell the fucking difference, so don't ask.

Crying is blackmail.

In the entire history of the human race, no sober heterosexual man has ever liked to dance. Never. We do it to get laid. We also lie and tell you we like it in order to get laid. We do many things to get laid.

Ask for what you want. Subtle hints do not work.

Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from pointblank range. We are bound to miss sometimes.

If you do not dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, do not expect us to act like soap opera guys.

If something we said could be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

Of course we are looking at that other woman. If this bugs you, you can alleviate this problem by dating a gay guy.

Yes, Laetitia Casta (or whomever you are asking about) is prettier than you. A LOT prettier. She makes you look like a cross between John Turturro and Pee Wee Herman.

Do not rub the lamp if you do not want the genie to come out.

You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done... not both.

Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

One Fish, Two Fish

Mr Tuna spent his day on Maud Adams in "Tattoo". He pointed out that this flick should jump to the top of someone's list for remastering and conversion to DVD.

I second that! (#1 , #2 , #3 , #4 , #5)

Dear Unc. Here's part two of Aurelie Claudel. I was reading the latest issue of People. There is an article about how the French mayors finished a month-long chore of selecting a new model for Marianne, the feminine embodiment of the French Republic. They chose my girlfriend (hehe), Laetitia Casta. This upset many women. They felt the choice was "terrible, archaically masculine." Despite their carping, the first casting of Casta will be unveiled in Paris Nov. 23. (Scoop's note. Boy, that must have been a grueling, arduous month for those boys. God bless the sacrifice they made for France, although I had my heart set on Depardieu in a wig. Vive le France!) (#1 , #2 , #3 , #4 , #5 , #6 , #7 , #8 , #9 , #10)

Today's page 3 babe is Nikki. We just saw her Saturday. Sometimes they do that. (#1 , #2 , #3 , #4)

Members' bonuses

These are mostly cheats from "Single White Female". By that I mean the day-light parameters have been shifted. Very few night scenes are actually filmed at night. Most are filmed in the day because it's nearly impossible to film at night. Moviemakers overlay a dark blue or violet filter to simulate nighttime. If you can figure out the exact color of the filter, you can overlay the inverse color, and the filter disappears. Cool stuff. Because of the amount of editing involved, the caps aren't as sharp as usual, but I still really enjoy this. The top three pairs are comparisons. Left hand, the lightened version; right hand, the version you would see on screen. Jennifer Jason Leigh today, a few of Bridget Fonda tomorrow.

Members' bonuses

CROW

Crow has a bit of rasslin' again. A PPV this time. Dawn-Marie fell out of her top, and didn't notice, but Francine pushed her back in! Meddling bitch. (See number 2) (#1 , #2) ... and then there was Sonny, or whatever she's called now. She's a lot rounder than she used to be. (#1 , #2)

Fred's corner

Fred (or, as he is known to the Italian Beauty Calendar Guy, Fredo, or as he is known to hobbits, Frodo) has written his own commentary:

This is Brandy Sanders or is it Ledford, or Giselle, or Jisel or Alicia??? I get confused. First she was Alicia in Chic, then Jisel in Penthouse. But then again she was Giselle in her regular feature in Club International. Then she became Brandy when she was Penthouse Pet of the year. She grew a last name and became Brandy Sanders when she started doing "B" videos. She showed up on a Showtime mini-series as Brandy Ledford. Now I hear she's acting in Canada as Brandy Ledford. Who Knows?? Here she is entertaining Kelly Jackson, or is that Racquel Darrian?? Still confused. (#1 , #2 , #3 , #4 , #5 , #6 , #7 , and one more, doing a XXX ad)