"Ik ook van jou"
Ik ook van jou (2001), or I Love You Too, is a tragic love story from the Netherlands. It had the strangest introduction I can remember. Two friends, Antonie Kamerling and his buddy, are on holiday, camping in France. They are getting to know two girls who are also camping there. When the girls get in trouble in their canoe in some rapids, the guys rescue them, but they all have a long walk to the campsite. One couple hitches a ride, but Kamerling and the other girl end up walking. He twists an ankle, and she helps him back to camp. All of this has nothing to do with the story. She knows he is a writer, and asks him what his book is about.
The book is about his relationship with a deeply insecure, insanely jealous, and self-destructive woman, Angela Schijf. The rest of the story is his telling of the details of the affair. He was in law school, and engaged to the perfect girl, Anniek Pfeifer, when his girlfriend found Schijf passed out in the ladies room, and talks him into taking her home. He ends up staying, and the two have a joyous first several days of a relationship built on sex. When her parents return home unexpectedly, catch them in the act and throw them out, they move in together. The relationship is nearly storybook at first. She gets him to drop law school and is fiancee, and start writing. He chooses to write about the two of them. Then her jealousy and poor self image start her on a downward spiral of alienating him and escalating self-mutilation.
IMDB readers have this at 6.0 of 10. It won two awards in the Netherlands. Pfeifer shows breasts in two scenes, and Schijf shows breasts and buns several times. The lighting was dark, and usually lit with colored filters, making it a chore to cap. To make matters worse, the transfer is grainy, yellow shifted, and undersaturated. Most of the dialogue is in Dutch, with some French and English. The subtitles can't be turned off, but appear in the letterbox masked area. MY tolerance for tragic love stories is getting lower and lower, and the character development was not good enough to catch my interest. We never got an inkling as to why Schijf's character was the way she was, and I didn't understand why Kamerling choose her over his fiancee. For me, this is a C- at best.
|Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)
Quick, identify this recent film:
- Stars Natascha McElhone
- Production budget more than $40
- Beautiful photography in
ultra-widescreen 2.35:1 aspect ratio
- Stylish, but pretentious
- Plenty of body part close-ups,
- Plot is incomprehensible
- Opening weekend only $7 million
gross, despite being in about 2500 theaters.
Amazingly, that description applies
to two different movies in the past couple of months. Feardotcom
closed October 27th, Solaris opened about a month later. Apparently
that is the only kind of movie McElhone makes.
Feardotcom isn't otherwise similar
to Solaris. It is edited with rapid cuts, and people speak at normal
speed. It is incomprehensible because it simply makes no sense.
Solaris makes some sense if you think about it, but by the time a
character responds to another, you've forgotten what the previous
character said, and you just don't care to put it together.
The basic premise of feardotcom is a
snuff web site which mysteriously kills visitors. I think the idea
is that the site is haunted by the ghost one of the snuffees, and
she kills the subscribers for supporting snuffitude. The infinitely
world-weary Stephen Rea is the snuffmeister, performing here in the
high camp fashion of the late Vincent Price.
As usual with web sites in movies,
the subscriber count goes up immediately, instantly, when
something exciting happens on camera. No indication of how the
subscribers could possibly know what is happening on camera at that
In between these two movies, IMDB
lists McElhone in something called City of Ghosts, which I don't
know anything about, but it was directed by Matt Dillion and stars
Gerard Depardieu, which tells me just about everything I need to
Anyway, feardotcom has a fairly high
boob count, but I don't know who these people are.
I love The Sun. "These
buxom bikers were a cycle for sore eyes yesterday as they peeled off
to recreate the cover of the 1978 Queen hit Bicycle Race/Fat
ITV says: "Jennifer
Lopez has presented her husband to be with a pre-nuptial
bombshell, according to reports. Jen is said to be so determined to
make her third marriage work that she wants to slap a
£5 million fine on Ben Affleck if he strays. Other items on the list are
said to include a demand for sex at least four times a week and a £1
million fine for lying." Yup, that's what all marriage counselors
recommend for marital longevity - plenty of unreasonable demands and
draconian restrictions on your partner. C'mon, he's the "world's
sexiest man", isn't he? What does he need this woman for?
the tackiest stars of 2002. The following did not win first
place: Winona, Anna Nicole, Babs, and JLo. Read the article
to see who beat them all out. I think I would have voted for JLo.
There's the pre-nup and the nipple-tweaker and the public
nose-picking, and mostly ... well,
getting engaged to one guy while still being married to another is
pretty damned tacky.
nose-picking incident, to help promote the case for J-lo as the
Interesting story -
Kazaa skin is actually a virus that erases your mp3 files. Is it
an RIAA thing? Nobody knows.
This is, in my opinion, a great use of humor as
a substitute for shrill tirades. Indians raise scholarship money by lampooning
racist iconography -
They name their team the Fightin' Whities, and make beaucoup bucks marketing their "Fightin' Whities" mascot Find
their items at
http://www.cafeshops.com/fightinwhite. They missed a great
opportunity. Their white stereotype mascot is funny, but I was a little
disappointed that he wasn't smoking a pipe thoughtfully.
OJ says that
for the real killer has been hampered by the lack of mirrors in his
ten stupidest coaching decisions of all time. Finally - a
championship for the Red Sox! They also hold the record for the two
stupidest personnel decisions of all time (1) their owner sold some guy
named Babe Ruth to the Yankees for enough money to finance a musical called No, No
Nanette (2) they were the last team in the majors to employ black
players. While Veeck and Rickey were stealing pennants as early as
the late 1940s by getting the top black stars ASAP, the Sox saw no need to
compete. Then when they finally hired a black player, more than a
decade later, was it Satchel, Aaron, Robinson, Mays or Campy?
Nah. They played an all-white lineup in 1958, then they brought up
some clodhopper named Pumpsie Green to be their first black player
in 1959, 12 years after integration! Pumpsie justified their
skepticism by hitting a powerful .233
with ten RBI. And he was one strange dude. Three years later, Pumpsie was arrested at a New York airport for trying to board a
flight to Israel with no luggage and no ticket. Go, Sox.
John Daly, always a contender for that top 10 tacky award, releases
a new album of his songs. I'm not kidding.
disqualified in Aussie open after throwing tantrum. He threw a
fit when he lost the long driving contest to the Dalai Lama. Big
hitter, the Lama.
Parenting tips from Weekly World News - one word:
straight-jackets. Or is that two words?
In a rare demonstration of box-office
Potter goes back to #1, after a week at #2. Extreme Ops and
Solaris will probably not even cover marketing costs.
20 worst things on the web. I would have included Orbitz. Never
in my life, under any circumstances, will I ever buy anything from
those people. If they have a ticket for a hundred bucks, and the
next best deal is five hundred from a web site which uses its
profits to support international terrorism - well, I'll stay
not another teen movie babe Chyler Leigh (1,
2) in the
hot tub with Marilyn Manson in Tainted Love
Shameless Propaganda, part 8:
Pat Reeder is a guy whose name is not familiar to you, but who
touches your life almost every day. He's actually the guy who writes the jokes that your DJ tells
every morning during your drive to work. He's also
the guy who writes those Comedy Wire things that you see on the
bottom of this page from time to time. If you wonder why your DJ and
the Fun House tell the same jokes, Pat's the reason. At the moment, Pat has a new book out
called "Nine Hallmarks of Highly Incompetent Losers." It's a
"reverse self-help" book that helps the reader attain success by
avoiding nine stupid mistakes made by failures and idiots. He
illustrates his points with over 200 hilarious-but-true stories from
his syndicated radio service, "The Comedy Wire."
If you like weird news and dumb criminal stories, or if you've ever
been forced to suffer through a boring business/self-help book like
"Who Moved My Cheese?", you'll love "Nine Hallmarks of Highly
Incompetent Losers." It earned four stars from Wireless Flash News,
and will be in bookstores nationwide next spring, but you can get
the jump on the rest of America and get it now through Pat's
website. Cheaper than Amazon and every copy is personally
Click here (http://www.comedy-wire.com/bookorderpage.html)
for a book excerpt, Real Audio updates on "Losers In The News,"
samples of the Comedy Wire and more.
NINE HALLMARKS OF HIGHLY INCOMPETENT LOSERS
Samples from Chapter Eight: Claim Talents You
Don't Really Have
...Sadly, the fact that it is extremely rare
to find someone who can do anything, much less everything, does not
stop people from trying to display talents and abilities they simply
do not have...
* Police in Addis Ababa, Ethiopia, arrested a faith healer who told
women he could cure any disease by sucking their breasts. He
actually persuaded three women to pay him for this "therapy." He
did manage to cure them of ever trusting men again.
...Even people who are talented enough to
become top Hollywood stars can feel the need to prove they have
talents beyond those that made them famous...
* In a much-ballyhooed interview with ABC's Barbara Walters, Kelly
Preston declared that the golden touch enjoyed by herself and
husband John Travolta was no fluke, because their deep study of
Scientology had taught them to make such good career and business
decisions. Just two days later, their most recent film, the
Scientology-inspired megaflop "Battlefield Earth," won seven Golden
Raspberry Awards for the worst in cinema, including Razzies for
Travolta as "Worst Actor" and Preston as "Worst Supporting
Actress." Its seven Razzies tied an ignominious record set by
"Showgirls," whose stars and creators were more likely to attribute
their career decisions to Satan than to L. Ron Hubbard...
...Sometimes, what trips people up is not that
they try to do new and difficult tasks that are beyond their
capabilities, but that they try to do
too many seemingly easy, everyday tasks at the same time...
* Pravda reported that a couple in Ruzayevka, Russia, had a freak
accident due to poorly conceived multi-tasking. The woman was
giving her boyfriend oral sex in the kitchen while he was frying
pancakes. At a particularly distracting moment, he dropped the cast
iron frying pan on her head. She gritted her teeth in pain,
severely biting his male organ. They both ended up in the hospital,
the woman with a concussion and the man with stitches in his penis.
The lesson: if you want to show your gratitude to a man for helping
out with the cooking, wait until he's finished...
By the way, one of our members has been awarded the free year of
access for being the first one to order Pat's book from the Scoopy
web site, so if we haven't contacted you, you aren't the guy!
are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.
- The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the
review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
- If there is a white asterisk, it means that
there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined
there might be something else of interest.
- A blue asterisk indicates the review is written
by Tuna (or Lawdog or Junior or C2000 or Realist or ICMS or Mick
Locke, or somebody else besides me)
- If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too
ashamed to admit it.
- Irène Jacob, the French actress shows breasts and bum in scenes from "Victory" (1995).
Be sure to pay Graphic Response a visit at his website. www.graphic-barry.com.
'Caps and comments by Brainscan:
Today's offering...vidcaps from "Wild Malibu Weekend".
So I figure if you are in the biz of making movies there ought to be a few things that raise red flags whenever someone pitches an idea.
One of those has to be a movie filmed around a tv show with a novel concept. TV sucks, right? And if an idea is so damn bad they won't even make a tv show out of it, perhaps you ought not to make a movie out of it, yes?
And a second should be anyone who says his nephew's garage band is real good, ya know, and I was thinking we could put them in the movie. Not just background music, nope, but IN the movie... like stars sort of. Whattaya think?
Well, you ought to think "get the fuck out of here" but that did not occur to the makers of Wild Malibu Weekend. No it did not. So you have 45 minutes or so of some real bad shit, man, and another 45 minutes of some real mediocre shit, man. But, and by that I mean butt, the producers went and totally redeemed themselves by casting some nice looking women and getting them unclothed to one degree or another. I smell Oscar.
In some order of screen nekkid time, the babes are
Kathy Pasmore. Ersatz red hair, ersatz big boobs, but otherwise okay. She is nekkid a lot. Boobs in 1-7 (4 and 5 are kinda funny as Kathy's character responds to a guy holding a condom), full frontal in 8 & 9, boobs and bum in 10.
Anastasia Rova is the central protagonist of the movie; a cute girl with a small, natural body. She shows boobs in 1 and 2, bum in 3.
Karli Allen is a similar sort of cute-little-thing. She shows boobs and bum... and in collage 3 she almost gives up gyno-goodies as she plays some sort of game like Twister while wearing a thong bikini. If the camera had just panned in.
Former Pet and long-time B movie actress, Shauna O'Brien, shows boobs in an early scene and lots and lots of bum througout the rest of the movie, as she prances around in a thong bikini. So you guys get to see boobs in collage 1 and bum in all the rest. Shauna used the name, Stevie Jean, in this movie; the same as the one she used in her Pet lay-out. This was very early in Shauna's career and so her body is 100% unprocessed, unenhanced. Thank heavens.
- Shauna O'Brien
And the last couple of collages are a treat of sorts... all four of these babes take off their tops in the televised competition. Now, this would work on television. Just look at the Manshow.
So you see Karli and Shauna real well (Shauna looks terrific, IMHO), Kathy and Anastasia less well... and in the upper right hand corner of the first collage you see former Hefmate Barbara Moore before the girls start to disrobe. Then she kinda disappears. Turns out she movies behind the band members so that the camera barely catches her at all (extreme right of collage 2). This pissed me off, mainly because I got the mofo-ing movie because Barbara was supposed to be nekkid in it. Girl was a Hefmate, for goodness sake, so it wasn't like she had never, ever given up the goodies on camera. Guess she be trying to establish a career as a serious actress.
That's why she agreed to a movie with Wild, Malibu and Weekend in its title.
'Caps and comments by Hankster:
The other night "The Mask", a Jim Carey vehicle was on TV, a movie I had never seen. This movie was Cameron Diaz's very first screen appearance and boy did she look hot. So I went out and got the DVD
and made these caps. What a first time debut it was, now granted she didn't get naked, but in this case it didn't matter as I think some of these scenes with her cleavage and leg exposure are certainly hot enough to light my fire. Her dance sequence with Jim Carey has to be seen to be believed. If you have never seen it by all means do it.
- Cameron Diaz
||Toplessness, a hint of pubes and some pseudo sex in scenes from an episode of the late night series "The Best Sex Ever". Episode: "Housesitting".
|Keri Windsor and Sunrise Adams
||Sunrise joins Keri for a 3-way scene in more 'caps from "The Best Sex Ever".
||Plenty of breast exposure and sport humpin' in scenes from the late night series "Kama Sutra", episode "Transition to Lovemaking".
||Robo-hooters, a brief pube sighting and lots of pseudo sex. Also from the "Transition to Lovemaking" episode of "Kama Sutra".
|Mr. Nude Celeb
A few 'caps from the made for cable biopic "Gia".
- Angelina Jolie, cleavage, breasts and bum.
- Elizabeth Mitchell, breast exposure.
- Angelina Jolie and Elizabeth Mitchell. Both show breasts in a lesbian love scene.
|Pat Reeder www.comedy-wire.com
Pat's comments in yellow...
"LINGERIE BARBIE": EDIBLE THONG SOLD SEPARATELY
But Her Feet Are Made For High Heels! - Some parents in Nashville,
Tennessee, are trying to launch a nationwide protest against Mattel's new
"Lingerie Barbie." The doll comes dressed in a peek-a-boo peignoir, garter
belts and high heels. One dad called it irresponsible, saying that little
girls see it and think it's glamorous and that's how they're supposed to
be. But Mattel says Lingerie Barbie is for ages 14 and up and is not sold
in toy stores but is intended for collectors only.
Boys age 14 and up.
Reeeeeeeally creepy collectors...
If it's intended for adults, why isn't it lifesize and inflatable?
Next Christmas: "French Whore Barbie!"
Plastic blondes in lingerie don't belong in toy stores! They belong in
the Victoria's Secret fashion show.
J-LO AND BEN VIDEO GAME
Do You HAVE To Save Him? - As a thank-you to Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck
for starring in his new movie "Jersey Girl," director Kevin Smith gave them
a custom-made arcade video game called "Jen Saves Ben." In it, an animated
Ben has been kidnapped and chained in a warehouse. A karate-kicking J-Lo
has to fight past a ray gun-toting Smith and an evil robot Matt Damon to
save Ben's life.
That's a better plot than any of their recent movies have had.
The only way to stop J-Lo: shoot her with the butt-shrinking ray.
The game actually lasts longer than their marriage will.
VIDEO ENEMA: "CELEBRITY DETOX"
Next: "Celebrity Facelift!" - Britain's Channel 5 is launching a new
reality show called "Celebrity Detox." C-list stars, such as one-hit '80s
singer Kim Wilde, will be sent to a detox clinic on an island off the coast
of Thailand. A spokeswoman said viewers will get to watch them suffer
through a week of detox, including fasting, colonics, "oral enemas"
(drinking things like olive oil, which will likely make them throw up),
"analyzing their own poo, and things like that."
Didn't Katie Couric already do that on "The Today Show?"
Now, THERE'S a series they could get Liza Minnelli to show up for!
Viewers will want to go through detox after watching this.
If it comes to America and they sign Nick Nolte and Anna Nicole Smith,
the detox process may last for years.