Cloud Nine (2006)

This is a silly movie about a total loser who decides to form a volleyball team with strippers. The sports action is  totally lacking in credibility except for a cameo appearance by Gabriella Reece, and the plot is just a hodge-podge of ideas borrowed from other underdog sports movies. The damned thing doesn't even have much to do with volleyball since, if you think about it, that's a sport where guys can watch pretty girls play in bikinis for free, so there's no real money in it. The strippers make all their money doing their strip act while pretending to be a volleyball team.

Oh, well. Most important for our purposes - there's no worthwhile nudity. There's about five seconds of topless footage from unnamed background characters in the strip club. There is no exposure from the four female leads or from Angie Everhart, who is the designated ringer when the stripper team finally decides to play volleyball for real. (Angie looks like she can play a little.)

The only vaguely funny stuff was in the opening credits, where the film introduces Burt and shows how he manages to live like a rich man. He lives in a trailer in Malibu and uses celebrities' homes when they are away. A few minor celebs make cameos - people like Tony Danza, Gary Busey, Tom Arnold ...

Skip it.




Zombie Island Massacre (1984)

The star of the clip is Rita Jenrette. (Zipped .wmv). She was famous enough 25 years ago, but not as an actress. Playboy modeling and "acting" came after her career as the ultimate Washington wife.

The Washington Post described her path to fame as follows:

John and Rita Jenrette, young, social and attractive, appeared to be a model Washington couple. But John, a congressman from South Carolina, was implicated in the Abscam sting that nailed five representatives and one senator on corruption charges. Jenrette's is a bizarre story from beginning to end: Highlights include John's on-air call to the Phil Donahue show when Rita was the guest, a country song commemorating Rita's testimony that she found $25,000 in one of John's shoes, and the Playboy spread on Rita that was photographed with his consent while she and John were still "happily" married (but which didn't appear until after the separation). The two are now best remembered for having sex on the steps of the U.S. Capitol, during a break in an all-night House session.

Tuna described the actual movie (rated 2.2 at IMDb) as follows:

The tag line says it all: HAVE A FUN-FILLED VACATION! Toe-Tapping Machete Head Dances! Glamorous Zombie-Style Cosmetic Surgery! Fabulous Air-Conditioned Tiger Pits! Zombie Island Massacre (1984) is a Troma Team release about a bus full of tourists who take a tour to a remote Caribbean Island to witness a voodoo ritual. After the event, their bus driver goes missing, then their guide, and it looks like the work of zombie ghouls. Turns out, it is various warring factions fighting over a lot of money and Columbian coke. There is not a single thing to recommend about this effort. As for the DVD, it's as bad as the film. The transfer is weak, and the film was probably dark and grainy to begin with.


Other Crap:

The trailer for 5-25-77.
  • "5-25-77 is his loosely autobiographical film about the impact of Star Wars on his own life as a teenage geek in love with the movies."

The trailer for the German hit, Go for Zucker

  • Down on his luck, conniving pool shark Jaeckie Zucker must make up with his estranged Orthodox Jewish brother Samuel in order to meet the terms of his mother's inheritance - the only thing that could save him from jail, ruin and divorce. But as Samuel and his entire clan move into Jaeckie’s chaotic household, a clash of civilizations is inevitable, and Jaeckie’s going to need every trick he can think of to make things go smoothly

The trailer for Pan's Labyrinth, which was written and diredcted by Benicio del Toro

  • "In this fairy tale, a small family in Spain moves into an old house in 1943 after the rise of Fascism. Their eldest daughter, at age 12, falls in love with a fawn that lives in the old ruined labyrinth which resides behind their new decrepit home."

Lohan Being Treated After "Asthma" Attack

Rock and Punk Photos from Andy Rosen

Patrick Swayze to begin rap career?

URL says it all:

"Britney Spears reportedly stunned onlookers when she accidentally flashed her breasts while playing on a swing."

  • And none of the onlookers had a camera? Where are those pesky and supposedly ubiquitous paparazzi when we need them?

Yarrrrr! Swedish pirates form political party

Maybe a new bookmark? ... The SaveManny blog has a lot of good flesh links.

TONI BRAXTON is in negotiations to appear naked in men's magazine Playboy - as long as she doesn't have to show off her genitals.

  • "The 37-year-old UNBREAK MY HEART singer insists she has no problems baring her boobs in the publication, but refuses to show her nether regions. She says, 'I just can't do the bottom thing because that's really, really intimate and really personal. But boobies, what is it? A dime a dozen. You can buy some for $5,000. Who cares? But the thing down there, you can't really buy that.'"
  • I'd say Donald Trump would beg to differ.

Two-Faced Snake for Sale for $150,000

  • Pennsylvania considers buying it as an Arlen Specter back-up

Astoundingly, Ashlee Simpson used to be kinda sorta hot.

Larry David explains why he won't go to Brokeback Mountain (New York Times: requires registration)

Weekly World News Scientists reveal: "FAT PEOPLE GOOD FOR UNIVERSE"

  • "They counterbalance the effects of the rapidly fading gravitational field that is tearing us apart!"

Lettermania: George W. Bush's Top Ten New Year's Resolutions

The large HQ trailer for The Benchwarmers

  • Rob Schneider, Napoleon Dynamite and David Spade as a barnstorming three-man baseball team. Nuff said.

The trailer for Running with Scissors

  • ... from Ryan Murphy, the man behind Nip/Tuck.
  • "An adult man looks back on his childhood with his bipolar and self-centered mother."

The crazy trailer for Bubble, the Soderbergh film made under his deal with Mark Cuban

  • Soderbergh and Cuban hope to release their films simultaneously to Cuban-owned Landmark theaters, pay-TV and DVD. They hope to test out some new consumer-friendly directions. Strange stuff, but I applaud their chutzpah.
  • More strangeness: the cinematographer, Peter Andrews, is really Steven Soderbergh; the film editor, Mary Ann Bernard, is also Steven Soderbergh. I wonder if Soderbergh will also be selling the tickets

Which reminds me of a story. Doesn't everything? I was flying some small airline between Gainesville and Jacksonville decades ago - Executive Airlines or Shawnee Airlines maybe. I forget. At any rate, some guy in a sport coat comes from the office to the rinky-dink counter when we ring the bell. He sells us some tickets, and tags our bags. He says, "Wait here. SOMEONE will be by to get your luggage."

Maybe five minutes later, he comes out of the back office again, this time wearing coveralls, grabs our bags, and says, "Follow me." He leads us to about a 12-seater propeller plane, loads our bags, and opens the door to let us in. My colleague and I are the only passengers. He then says, "Make yourselves comfortable, YOUR CREW will be by shortly."

In a few minutes, two guys come by in officers' uniforms to fly the plane. I'll bet you can guess who one of them was.

The other one was named Mary Ann Bernard, but was really Steven Soderbergh.

The trailer from Bottom's Up

  • The three stars are the ultimate dream cast: David Keith, Paris Hilton, and Jay without Silent Bob.

This week's movies (expanding to 900 screens): Casanova - 38% positive reviews.

  • Do they sing "As Time Goes By"? Oh, wait. CasaNOVA. Never mind.

This week's movies (expanding to 300 screens) Match Point - 80% positive reviews (Woody Allen's latest)

This week's movies (2000 screens): BloodRayne - no reviews yet, but it's a Ewe Boll movie, so you can guess it will be below 10% at RT.

This week's movies (2000 screens) Grandma's Boy - no reviews. (The one review listed is actually about a silent movie - a 1922 Harold Lloyd comedy with the same name!)

This week's movies (2000 screens): Hostel - 86% positive reviews

  • This is Eli Roth's follow-up to Cabin Fever. The 86% is based on only seven reviews. There are no major print reviews in yet, but the genre sites love it.

"This stabilized footage of the Zapruder film is absolutely astounding."

Woody Allen schmoozing in LaLa land?

  • Next up: J.D. Salinger doing ads for washday miracles.


  • Mr. Brown apologized for the delay at a Washington press conference that was originally called for ten o’clock this morning but was not actually held until four in the afternoon. The former FEMA chief, visibly embarrassed by not having made his New Year’s resolutions in a timely fashion, said that he had been “caught unawares” by the change in years.

Bullet Falls From Sky Into Woman's Face

Toddler's Talking Elmo Book Asks 'Who Wants To Die?' (This is a real story, not something from a satire site.)

The guy who directed Napoleon Dynamite has a new film which could be even weirder!

  • It's the story of a priest who is also a masked Mexican wrestler, and is loosely based on a real guy!

Jilted Ken tells of 'living hell' with Barbie

"CELEBRITY SUDOKU GAME SHOW A RATINGS FLOP ... Host Chuck Woolery suffers nervous breakdown"

BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN - not about gay cowboys ... film tells tale of cowboys whose friendship, anal sex is misinterpreted as gay.

  • "many critics have made the error in calling it a “gay” film. But if giving your friend a “hand job” and having “anal sex” on a cold night in the woods makes you “gay,” then who among us can honestly claim to be straight?

"CIA TO MONITOR NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS ... Hopes to Decipher Threats in Yearly Promises"



Movie Reviews:

Yellow asterisk: funny (maybe). White asterisk: expanded format. Blue asterisk: not mine. No asterisk: it probably sucks.




Or, Mon Tresor (2004)

Or (2004) AKA My Treasure, AKA Mon trésor, is an Israeli/French "coming of age" story shot on location in Tel Aviv,. The central character, named Or, is a likeable and attractive 18 year old high school girl who works part time at night as a dishwasher. The real challenge in her life is her mother, who is a street hooker and every bit the run-down whore. Mom is not making good decisions, so Or is trying desperately to take care of her and get her off of the streets. The girl finds her mother a housecleaning job, and even tries locking her inside their apartment, but mom just keeps going back to hooking. Or finally makes a tragic decision when mom comes home hemorrhaging after a night on the streets, and the mother of Or's boyfriend suggests that Or is not worthy of dating her son.

While the storyline is certainly sensational, the film is in no way to be considered exploitation. Mother and daughter share some nice moments, and the story is told rather calmly, letting the plot speak for itself.

It is directed perfectly, getting the best out of the cast, and not getting in the way of the wonderful writing. Both Ronit Elkabetz (mom) and Dana Ivgy (Or) gave brilliant performances. These days, I have a low tolerance for tragedy. I have seen enough of that in real life, and generally go for films with happy endings. This was a big exception. I felt like I knew these women, and really cared what happened to them. Yes, it requires reading subtitles, and is totally character-driven, but it is acted and directed so expertly that none of that matters.


Ronit Elkabetz
Dana Ivgy

Green River Killer (2005)

Green River Killer (2005) is yet another serial killer story based on the true story of Gary Ridgway, who was arrested in Seattle for 48 murders. He would rape and then strangle his victims, all prostitutes, then dump them near the Green River. He agreed to plead guilty in exchange for a guarantee that he would not be given the death penalty. He is currently serving 48 consecutive life sentences. Part of his plea bargain was to cooperate with authorities. He claimed that his actual body count was more like 80 women. The most chilling scenes in the film were actual footage of Ridgway being questioned by the police. He spoke about these murders as calmly as you would talk about a new flea collar for your dog.

We see breasts from Jacquelyn Horrell and Georgina Donovan as two of his victims.

IMDb readers have this at 3.5. There are no reviews available. This is certainly not entertaining, and there was no effort put into creating suspense. It was clear that he would kill every woman he took home from his favorite bar, and we know from the beginning who he is, and that he will be caught. I didn't feel the film gave any insight into why he did it. It did very clearly show that, at least with him, his thought processes were not like normal people, and that he didn't really consider what he was doing wrong. There have been enough serial killer films now to call them a genre unto themselves. This one doesn't stack up well against others in the genre in terms of suspense or scare, and the photography is not that good.

This is a low C-. It is only for genre completists.

Jacquelyn Horrell
Georgina Donovan





Melinda Songer in "Hot Line"

Susan Hale in "Bedtime Stories"




Anja Najarri in an episode of SK Koelsch
Debra Winger in The Sheltering Sky
Eleonore Weisgerber in "Der Clan der Anna Voss"
Hildegard Knef in Die Suenderin
Katya Studt in Fiesta der Leidenschaft
Janine Habeck in Blitz
Michaela Merten in Der Alte: Filmriss
Petra Morzé in an episode of Tatort

Finally, a series of Petra Morzé, this time from Antares


All the while I was watching Who Wants to Be An Erotic Billionaire I kept telling myself to chillax.  What I was suffering through had to be The Godfather of lesbian game show parodies.  But no.  Along comes Survivors Exposed and there goes any chance I am watching the best movie ever made in any genre, no matter how narrow.  For ya see, gentlemen, Who Wants is a movie in the same sense that the Houston Texans is a football team or the LA Clippers is a baketball team. I am guessing the screenplay ran 200 words or fewer, that the budget was no more than $50K.  They used one camera and paid no one who knew anything about photography or lighting or makeup or acting or directing or editing.  Other than that is one bang-up good movie.

Here is the idea behind the movie, as told by Edward G. Robinson.  It's a quiz show, see?  With gals and guys, see?  And if you answer a question correctly you get to kanoodle with this nekkid gal named Vivica Taylor....see?  And so she's a bit long in the tooth and her implants belong in a museum of medical monstrosities, but you get to tongue wrestle and grope with her....see...and the person who wins it all also gets 1 billion dollars.  American.  Not that funny, multi-colored Canadian shit that's worth a nickel. BUT, to make this real, real funny we will do a couple of things, see?  Like give the gals questions such as "What color is Roy Rogers' white horse?", whereas the guys are asked to prove Fermat's Last Theorem.  That kinda thing really cracks me up.  See.  And we'll get Julian Wells to ask the questions and adlib a whole bunch of really really funny comment.  They have to be adlibbed.  If someone sat and thought these out and considered them funny he oughta be shot,...see?

Sp when a gal does answer an easy-ass question she gets nekkid and Vivica Taylor gets nekkid and they kiss a lot and do some quasi-psuedo-hemi-muff-diving. The gals in question are the slim, exotic looking Bethany Lott and the blonde and exuberant Allison Slinger.  And then during intermission Bethany does Julian.  After all is said and done Julian also gets ganged up on by the other three.  Not that she seems to mind..  Thar ya go, pards.  That was the plot and most of the dialogue. 

So let me tell you about the nekkidness. 


Allison Slinger looks great.  I'm not much into pneumatic blondes, but this one rings my own personal chimes.   She gives up major hooties and some bum in a thong and just a wee bit of bush, both in the real action and in the behind-the-scenes stuff. IMDb says this is Allison's only work




Bethany Lott is more than sorta okay looking, herself, as she does the triple B tango  She continues to be a part of the Misty Mundae stable of actresses. 




Julian Wells is a veteran of that Mundae group. She looks fine and dandy...natural and slim in five collages of 3 B's. 




And then there is Vivica Taylor and a boob job that can be summed up in one sentence: Imagine the Holocaust and then double it.  Shoot, that pretty well describes the whole dang mess. 







Today another trip off to "Bad Movie Land." Once again, it's a bad movie but the women are naked. So let's take a look at "Haunting Desires."

Belinda Gavin kicks it off stripping onstage.

Beverly Lynne is the star and does lose her clothes.

And one of Beverly with Fallon Pfeifer. More from this one tomorrow.







Corinna Harfouch in Thea and Nat  
Elodie Bouchez in Lovers  
Elodie Bouchez in Too Much Flesh  
Rosanna Arquette in Too Much Flesh