Cloud Nine (2006)
This is a silly movie about a total loser who decides to form a
volleyball team with strippers. The sports action is totally
lacking in credibility except for a cameo appearance by Gabriella
Reece, and the plot is just a hodge-podge of ideas
borrowed from other underdog sports movies. The damned thing doesn't
even have much to do with volleyball since, if you think about it,
that's a sport where guys can watch pretty girls play in bikinis for
free, so there's no real money in it. The strippers make all their
money doing their strip act while pretending to be a volleyball team.
Oh, well. Most important for our
purposes - there's no worthwhile nudity. There's about five seconds
of topless footage from unnamed background characters in the strip
club. There is no exposure from the four female leads or from Angie
Everhart, who is the designated ringer when the stripper team finally
decides to play volleyball for real. (Angie looks like she can play a
The only vaguely funny stuff was in the opening credits,
where the film introduces Burt and shows how he manages to live like a
rich man. He lives in a trailer in Malibu and uses celebrities' homes
when they are away. A few minor celebs make cameos - people like Tony
Danza, Gary Busey, Tom Arnold ...
Zombie Island Massacre (1984)
The star of
the clip is
Jenrette. (Zipped .wmv). She was famous enough 25 years ago, but not
as an actress. Playboy modeling and "acting" came after her career as
the ultimate Washington wife.
Washington Post described her path to fame as follows:
John and Rita Jenrette,
young, social and attractive, appeared to be a model Washington
couple. But John, a congressman from South Carolina, was implicated in
the Abscam sting that nailed five representatives and one senator on
corruption charges. Jenrette's is a bizarre story from beginning to
end: Highlights include John's on-air call to the Phil Donahue show
when Rita was the guest, a country song commemorating Rita's testimony
that she found $25,000 in one of John's shoes, and the Playboy spread
on Rita that was photographed with his consent while she and John were
still "happily" married (but which didn't appear until after the
separation). The two are now best remembered for having sex on the
steps of the U.S. Capitol, during a break in an all-night House
Tuna described the
(rated 2.2 at IMDb) as follows:
The tag line says it
all: HAVE A FUN-FILLED VACATION! Toe-Tapping Machete Head Dances!
Glamorous Zombie-Style Cosmetic Surgery! Fabulous Air-Conditioned
Tiger Pits! Zombie Island Massacre (1984) is a Troma Team release
about a bus full of tourists who take a tour to a remote Caribbean
Island to witness a voodoo ritual. After the event, their bus driver
goes missing, then their guide, and it looks like the work of zombie
ghouls. Turns out, it is various warring factions fighting over a
lot of money and Columbian coke. There is not a single thing to
recommend about this effort. As for the DVD, it's as bad as the
film. The transfer is weak, and the film was probably dark and
grainy to begin with.
The trailer for 5-25-77.
- "5-25-77 is his loosely autobiographical film about
the impact of Star Wars on his own life as a teenage
geek in love with the movies."
The trailer for the German hit, Go for Zucker
- Down on his luck, conniving pool shark Jaeckie
Zucker must make up with his estranged Orthodox Jewish
brother Samuel in order to meet the terms of his
mother's inheritance - the only thing that could save
him from jail, ruin and divorce. But as Samuel and his
entire clan move into Jaeckie’s chaotic household, a
clash of civilizations is inevitable, and Jaeckie’s
going to need every trick he can think of to make things
The trailer for Pan's Labyrinth, which was written and
diredcted by Benicio del Toro
- "In this fairy tale, a small family in Spain moves
into an old house in 1943 after the rise of Fascism.
Their eldest daughter, at age 12, falls in love with a
fawn that lives in the old ruined labyrinth which
resides behind their new decrepit home."
Lohan Being Treated After "Asthma" Attack
Rock and Punk Photos from Andy Rosen
Patrick Swayze to begin rap career?
URL says it all:
"Britney Spears reportedly stunned onlookers when she
accidentally flashed her breasts while playing on a
- And none of the onlookers had a camera? Where are
those pesky and supposedly ubiquitous paparazzi when we
Swedish pirates form political party
Maybe a new bookmark? ...
The SaveManny blog has a lot of good flesh links.
TONI BRAXTON is in negotiations to appear naked in men's
magazine Playboy - as long as she doesn't have to show
off her genitals.
- "The 37-year-old UNBREAK MY HEART singer insists she
has no problems baring her boobs in the publication, but
refuses to show her nether regions. She says, 'I just
can't do the bottom thing because that's really, really
intimate and really personal. But boobies, what is it? A
dime a dozen. You can buy some for $5,000. Who cares?
But the thing down there, you can't really buy that.'"
- I'd say Donald Trump would beg to differ.
Two-Faced Snake for Sale for $150,000
- Pennsylvania considers buying it as an Arlen Specter
Astoundingly, Ashlee Simpson used to be kinda sorta hot.
Larry David explains why he won't go to Brokeback Mountain
(New York Times: requires registration)
Weekly World News Scientists reveal: "FAT PEOPLE GOOD FOR
- "They counterbalance the effects of the rapidly
fading gravitational field that is tearing us apart!"
George W. Bush's Top Ten New Year's Resolutions
The large HQ trailer for The Benchwarmers
- Rob Schneider, Napoleon Dynamite and David Spade as
a barnstorming three-man baseball team. Nuff said.
The trailer for Running with Scissors
- ... from Ryan Murphy, the man behind Nip/Tuck.
- "An adult man looks back on his childhood with his
bipolar and self-centered mother."
The crazy trailer for Bubble, the Soderbergh film made
under his deal with Mark Cuban
- Soderbergh and Cuban hope to release their films
simultaneously to Cuban-owned Landmark theaters, pay-TV
and DVD. They hope to test out some new
consumer-friendly directions. Strange stuff, but I
applaud their chutzpah.
- More strangeness: the cinematographer, Peter
Andrews, is really Steven Soderbergh; the film editor,
Mary Ann Bernard, is also Steven Soderbergh. I wonder if
Soderbergh will also be selling the tickets
Which reminds me of a story. Doesn't everything? I
was flying some small airline between Gainesville and
Jacksonville decades ago - Executive Airlines or
Shawnee Airlines maybe. I forget. At any rate, some
guy in a sport coat comes from the office to the
rinky-dink counter when we ring the bell. He sells us
some tickets, and tags our bags. He says, "Wait here.
SOMEONE will be by to get your luggage."
Maybe five minutes later, he comes out of the back
office again, this time wearing coveralls, grabs our
bags, and says, "Follow me." He leads us to about a
12-seater propeller plane, loads our bags, and opens
the door to let us in. My colleague and I are the only
passengers. He then says, "Make yourselves
comfortable, YOUR CREW will be by shortly."
In a few minutes, two guys come by in officers'
uniforms to fly the plane. I'll bet you can guess who
one of them was.
The other one was named Mary Ann Bernard, but was
really Steven Soderbergh.
The trailer from Bottom's Up
- The three stars are the ultimate dream cast: David
Keith, Paris Hilton, and Jay without Silent Bob.
This week's movies (expanding to 900 screens):
Casanova - 38% positive reviews.
- Do they sing "As Time Goes By"? Oh, wait. CasaNOVA.
This week's movies (expanding to 300 screens)
Match Point - 80% positive reviews (Woody Allen's
This week's movies (2000 screens):
BloodRayne - no reviews yet, but it's a Ewe Boll
movie, so you can guess it will be below 10% at RT.
This week's movies (2000 screens)
Grandma's Boy - no reviews. (The one review listed is
actually about a silent movie - a 1922 Harold Lloyd comedy
with the same name!)
This week's movies (2000 screens):
Hostel - 86% positive reviews
- This is Eli Roth's follow-up to Cabin Fever. The 86%
is based on only seven reviews. There are no major print
reviews in yet, but the genre sites love it.
"This stabilized footage of the Zapruder film is
Woody Allen schmoozing in LaLa land?
- Next up: J.D. Salinger doing ads for washday
"FORMER FEMA CHIEF VOWS TO MAKE NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS BY
- Mr. Brown apologized for the delay at a Washington
press conference that was originally called for ten
o’clock this morning but was not actually held until
four in the afternoon. The former FEMA chief, visibly
embarrassed by not having made his New Year’s
resolutions in a timely fashion, said that he had been
“caught unawares” by the change in years.
Bullet Falls From Sky Into Woman's Face
Toddler's Talking Elmo Book Asks 'Who Wants To Die?'
(This is a real story, not something from a satire site.)
The guy who directed Napoleon Dynamite has a new film
which could be even weirder!
- It's the story of a priest who is also a masked
Mexican wrestler, and is loosely based on a real guy!
Jilted Ken tells of 'living hell' with Barbie
"CELEBRITY SUDOKU GAME SHOW A RATINGS FLOP ... Host
Chuck Woolery suffers nervous breakdown"
BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN - not about gay cowboys ... film
tells tale of cowboys whose friendship, anal sex is
misinterpreted as gay.
- "many critics have made the error in calling it a
“gay” film. But if giving your friend a “hand job” and
having “anal sex” on a cold night in the woods makes you
“gay,” then who among us can honestly claim to be
"CIA TO MONITOR NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS ... Hopes to
Decipher Threats in Yearly Promises"
Yellow asterisk: funny (maybe). White asterisk: expanded format.
Blue asterisk: not mine. No asterisk: it probably sucks.
Or, Mon Tresor (2004)
Or (2004) AKA My Treasure, AKA Mon trésor, is an
Israeli/French "coming of age" story shot on location in Tel Aviv,.
The central character, named Or, is a likeable and attractive 18 year
old high school girl who works part time at night as a dishwasher. The
real challenge in her life is her mother, who is a street hooker and
every bit the run-down whore. Mom is not making good decisions, so Or
is trying desperately to take care of her and get her off of the
streets. The girl finds her mother a housecleaning job, and even tries
locking her inside their apartment, but mom just keeps going back to
hooking. Or finally makes a tragic decision when mom comes home
hemorrhaging after a night on the streets, and the mother of Or's
boyfriend suggests that Or is not worthy of dating her son.
While the storyline is certainly sensational, the film is in no way to
be considered exploitation. Mother and daughter share some nice
moments, and the story is told rather calmly, letting the plot speak
It is directed perfectly, getting the best out of the cast, and not
getting in the way of the wonderful writing. Both Ronit Elkabetz (mom)
and Dana Ivgy (Or) gave brilliant performances. These days, I have a
low tolerance for tragedy. I have seen enough of that in real life,
and generally go for films with happy endings. This was a big
exception. I felt like I knew these women, and really cared what
happened to them. Yes, it requires reading subtitles, and is totally
character-driven, but it is acted and directed so expertly that none
of that matters.
Green River Killer (2005)
Green River Killer (2005) is yet another serial killer story based
on the true story of Gary Ridgway, who was arrested in Seattle for 48
murders. He would rape and then strangle his victims, all prostitutes,
then dump them near the Green River. He agreed to plead guilty in
exchange for a guarantee that he would not be given the death penalty.
He is currently serving 48 consecutive life sentences. Part of his
plea bargain was to cooperate with authorities. He claimed that his
actual body count was more like 80 women. The most chilling scenes in
the film were actual footage of Ridgway being questioned by the
police. He spoke about these murders as calmly as you would talk about
a new flea collar for your dog.
We see breasts from Jacquelyn Horrell and Georgina Donovan as two
of his victims.
IMDb readers have this at 3.5. There are no reviews available. This
is certainly not entertaining, and there was no effort put into
creating suspense. It was clear that he would kill every woman he took
home from his favorite bar, and we know from the beginning who he is,
and that he will be caught. I didn't feel the film gave any insight
into why he did it. It did very clearly show that, at least with him,
his thought processes were not like normal people, and that he didn't
really consider what he was doing wrong. There have been enough serial
killer films now to call them a genre unto themselves. This one
doesn't stack up well against others in the genre in terms of suspense
or scare, and the photography is not that good.
This is a low C-. It
is only for genre completists.
All the while I was watching Who Wants to Be An Erotic Billionaire I kept
telling myself to chillax. What I was suffering through had to be The Godfather
of lesbian game show parodies. But no. Along comes Survivors Exposed and there
goes any chance I am watching the best movie ever made in any genre, no matter
how narrow. For ya see, gentlemen, Who Wants is a movie in the same sense that
the Houston Texans is a football team or the LA Clippers is a baketball team. I
am guessing the screenplay ran 200 words or fewer, that the budget was no more
than $50K. They
used one camera and paid no one who knew anything about photography or lighting
or makeup or acting or directing or editing. Other than that is one bang-up
Here is the idea behind the movie, as told by Edward G. Robinson. It's a quiz
show, see? With gals and guys, see? And if you answer a question correctly you
get to kanoodle with this nekkid gal named Vivica Taylor....see? And so she's a
bit long in the tooth and her implants belong in a museum of medical
monstrosities, but you get to tongue wrestle and grope with her....see...and the
person who wins it all also gets 1 billion dollars. American. Not that funny,
multi-colored Canadian shit that's worth a nickel. BUT, to make this real, real
funny we will do a couple of things, see? Like give the gals questions such as
"What color is Roy Rogers' white horse?", whereas the guys are asked to prove
Fermat's Last Theorem. That kinda thing really cracks me up. See. And we'll
get Julian Wells to ask the questions and adlib a whole bunch of really really
funny comment. They have to be adlibbed. If someone sat and thought these out
and considered them funny he oughta be shot,...see?
Sp when a gal does answer an easy-ass question she gets nekkid and Vivica Taylor
gets nekkid and they kiss a lot and do some quasi-psuedo-hemi-muff-diving. The
gals in question are the slim, exotic looking Bethany Lott and the blonde and
exuberant Allison Slinger. And then during intermission Bethany does Julian.
After all is said and done Julian also gets ganged up on by the other three.
Not that she seems to mind.. Thar ya go, pards. That was the plot and most of
So let me tell you about the nekkidness.