Saturday

Jubilee (1977)

The title of Darek Jarman's Jubilee was inspired by the silver Jubilee of Elizabeth II's reign in 1977, when England seemed to be in its death throes, its industry threatened by economic collapse, and its youth choked with punk disaffection. Jarman wondered what the first Elizabeth might have thought of the reign of her namesake, so the idea behind the film was that Elizabeth 1 would summon her court magicians in 1577 in order to look at the disappointing state of her glorious land in the reign of her namesake, exactly 400 years thenceforth.

The England she is shown by "Ariel," her fairy/angel/magician, is a creepy one dominated by a violent girl gang living in a anarchic urban wasteland in which everything seems to be owned by a media mogul named Ginz. Buckingham Palace has been transformed into a recording studio and Westminster Cathedral into a theme nightclub featuring gay go-go dancers and semi-obscene performances by Christ and the Twelve. Meanwhile, all Jews, blacks, and homosexuals have been banned from Dorset so that Ginz and his rich pals can enjoy the tranquility of the countryside without being bothered by any pesky minority types.

I guess.

Maybe.

I think Liz Uno also time-travels to the reign of Liz Dos. Or maybe the same actress just plays two completely different parts. Or maybe the whole thing is just a dream. Beats me.

Frankly, the execution isn't as good as the premise, and the whole thing is hard to follow because the dialogue is soporific, the plotting is so unfocused as to be incoherent, and the acting is ... um ... expressionistic. Jubilee plays out like one of those underground films from the sixties. In the sections where you are not confused, you'll probably find yourself nodding off to sleep. If you do manage to watch the entire thing without your mind drifting, and you think you can write a better plot summary, please feel free.

I hesitate to call this the gayest film ever made because Derek Jarman has made many others. He made a version of The Tempest, for example, that ends in a formal cotillion in which all the dancers are modern-day English sailors. (No girls allowed in our clubhouse!) That film is so gay it makes the lifetime output of The Village People seem like a Lee Marvin film festival, but Jubilee actually gives The Tempest a run for the money. I don't think I have to tell you much that you can't already imagine about Ariel, but my favorite performance was delivered by an actor named The Incredible Orlando, and he certainly lives up to his name as the media mogul,  delivering an incredibly flamboyant performance that would be considered broad at an F-Troop reunion. I'm not sure what the all-time record is for the greatest quantity of over-the-top diabolical laughter from one guy in one movie, but this guy has to be a contender.

Muah-ha-ha-ha.

Designer Vivienne Westwood despised the movie and said it was an excise for Jarman to be "a gay boy jerking off through the titillation of his masochistic tremblings."

Which was true ...

... not that there's anything wrong with that

... as long as the gay boy in question includes plenty of female nudity to get us other guys through it.

 

NOTE: I didn't do any collages from this film because Tuna has already covered it in depth. Check out his captures in the back issue for March 31, 2005.

I did, however, do plenty of film clips, and here they are.

  • Jenny Runacre sits around stark naked except for a crown while Nell Campbell is in the sack with a man. The women then team up to suffocate the man to death. (Zipped .wmv)
  • Jenny Runacre's breast is visible as she sits in the audience for a punk performance, and has a conversation with the worst actor in history.  (Zipped .wmv)
  • Jenny Runacre removes her shirt.  (Zipped .wmv)
  • Nell Campbell strips off her clothing in good light, then heads to bed for a dark sex scene.  (Zipped .wmv)
  • Linda Spurrier finds herself between two guys in bed. She gets up from the bed and shows all.  (Zipped .wmv)
  • Some unknowns are dancing topless. Meh.  (Zipped .wmv)

 

 

 

Third Party Videos

Today's feature is the immortal cinema classic, Amazons, which one IMDb reviewer described as an R-rated version of Xena, Warrior Princess, and Scott Weinberg described as "Boobs, Bad Acting and Cardboard Swords."

Although, to present the case fairly, I'm pretty sure Weinberg felt that those were BAD things.

In other words, it's basically from the Jim Wynorski school of 1980s film, except without the ever-sure guiding hand of the ol' master himself. The director of this one was an Argentinian named Alejandro Sessa, and the directorial credits of the late Seor Sessa need no additional comments to stand as a tribute to his lifetime of achievements:

  1. (3.98) - Amazons (1986)
  2. (2.62) - Stormquest (1987)

Wynorski himself would be proud.

 

 

OTHER CRAP:

Country singer Sara Evans quits 'Dancing With the Stars' to deal with divorce from abusive, hard-drinkin', porn-collectin' layabout
  • How can she divorce him? That kind of inspiration can't be replaced. That guy is a country songwriter's dream! I'll bet he has an ol' hound dog and a pick-up truck with a shotgun rack and a Confederate flag license plate holder.

What more can ya say about the damned Tigers except "This is their year"?

Fake Facts: The Most Popular Myths in Science

Colbert waxes eloquent about North Korea.

Colbert gets $2 - his first congratulations on his one year anniversary.

Jon Stewart talks to an expert in the history of dirty politics, Part 1 ... Part 2

Daily Show: President Bush asks himself the tough questions.

The Daily Show looks at the President's press conference.

The Daily Show's crotchety old Lewis Black chases some kids off his lawn.

The Daily Show: does the president really listen to his generals?

Satellite image of Korea at night. North Korea may have the bomb, but they're a tad shy in the lightbulb department.

A script reviews of The Inferno

"Euro Disney Orgy Caught On Tape" (This is not from a satire site. It is an article in the Washington Post, and that is the actual headline.)

Eight clips from Flags of Our Fathers, Clint Eastwood's Iwo Jima movie.

A clip from The Prestige, a mysterious story of two magicians whose intense rivalry leads them on a life-long battle for supremacy full of obsession, deceit and jealousy with dangerous and deadly consequences.

The trailer and more for Del Toro's new fantasy, Pan's Labyrinth

  • "'Pan's Labyrinth' is a fanciful and chilling story set against the backdrop of a fascist regime in 1944 rural Spain. The film centers on Ofelia, a lonely and dreamy child living with her mother and adoptive father; a military officer tasked with ridding the area of rebels. In her loneliness, Ofelia creates a world filled with fantastical creatures and secret destinies. With post-war repression at its height, Ofelia must come to terms with her world through a fable of her own creation."

The trailer for a spooky new film called The Messengers

  • "The Solomon family has left big city life for a secluded farm in North Dakota. Soon after they arrive at their new home, 16 year-old Jess and her 3 year-old brother begin seeing ominous apparitions that no one else can see, and are repeatedly attacked by something from the other side. "

Jon Stewart on Letterman Wednesday night

Tom Mabe Pranks Telemarketer With Fake Death Scene

13 Haunted Houses That Will Make You Wet Your Pants

"Mel Gibson Acquires Nuclear Weapon ... Malibu Nuke Test Raises Proliferation Fears

Air America Radio files for Chapter 11

  • Jeez, I hate to agree with Rush Limbaugh, but he seems to be right when he says that they never had a profit model in the first place.

Roger Ebert's first review in four months. (Four stars for The Queen). Welcome back, Roger.

This week's movies, Friday update

  • Bottom line: go see last week's The Departed, if you haven't already, cuz this week's got nothin'. Four new wide releases, and apparently they all suck deeply. You know it's a bad week when 6% isn't the lowest score.
  • Man of the Year - 16% positive reviews
  • The Grudge 2 - 6% positive reviews
  • The Marine - 0% positive reviews
  • One Night with the King - 27% positive.

Death-row prisoner gets pregnant in solitary

NASA - Jupiter's Little Red Spot Growing Stronger

 

 

 

Movie Reviews:

Yellow asterisk: funny (maybe). White asterisk: expanded format. Blue asterisk: not mine. No asterisk: it probably sucks.

 

Ghost in a Teeny Bikini (2006)

Ghost in a Teeny Bikini is yet another direct-to-video quickie from Fred Olin Ray.

Muffin Baker (Christine Nguyen, perfectly cast) is a soft core actress who's living with her director, Alexandre Boisvert, when she is notified that her uncle has passed, and she must go to Ravenswood for the reading of the will.  When they arrive, they are greeted by a butler, and this was the point where I fell in love with the film. They asked him how he ended up working in a place like Ravenswood, and he broke into song.

This song:

I was killin' the day, up at Mandalee Bay,

Cruisin' along in my Chevrolet,

Pushin' on the pedal, and scoping every chick in sight...

Then I saw a sight that chilled my blood,

There was black smoke pourin' out from under my hood,

So I parked, up by the graveyard, there on the right.

And there was ghouls there a jumpin', and vampires a humpin',

And bats flyin' up in the air.

There was a girl with tits jus as big as the moon, and a werewolf with pompadour hair

And the ghost wagged her finger, and she said "You shouldn't linger

In a place that'll do you no good!"

So I stepped on the gas, and I headed up to Ravenswood.

And there was ghouls there a jumpin', and vampires a humpin',

And bats flyin' up in the air.

There was a girl with tits just as big as the moon, and a werewolf with pompadour hair

And the ghost wagged her finger, and she said "You shouldn't linger

In a place that'll do you no good!"

So I stepped on the gas, and I headed up to Ravenswood.

Stop right here. If you think the idea of a soft core musical is stupid, or read the above lyrics with a frown, skip to the images, as you won't want to see this ever. If, like me, you find the above hilarious, you might also be a potential cult follower of this film.

The entire film is in the same spirit as the above song, one of three in the film. Nobody is serious in this one, which really helps. And best of all, when Evan Stone does the song, both Christine Nguyen and Alexandre Boisvert react the same way we might, if we asked a question and someone started singing the answer.

IMDb has yet to hear of this, although there is one comment from someone who felt as I do about the film. The acting is no better than usual in one of these efforts, the plot is not in any way original, and we have seen every bit of all of these women before, but every once in a while, the stars align perfectly, and a cult classic is born.  I knew if I watched enough of these, I would eventually hit one that made it all worthwhile. This is the one.

This is a high C+, whether you call it cult classic, soft core, or sexy comedy.

 

Christine Nguyen
Michelle Lay.

Nicole Sheridan

Rebecca Love

Syren

 

 

 

 

 

La Freccia Nera is an Italian mini-series in six 90-minute parts. The star is this lady, Marina Stella

TV presenter Ananda Lewis falls out of her blouse.

Helena Christensen still seems to look great naked.

If you saw Robert Altman's Pret-a-Porter, you probably thought it was a satire. Wrong. It was almost a documentary. Here's an image from the Hussein Chalayan collection at the Paris Fashion Week in 2002.