Tuna, our main contributor and the most energetic video capper ever known to man (as all of you well know) is currently indisposed. He is in intensive care in a hospital in the San Francisco Bay area. It doesn't make sense to send him any well-wishes at this point, since he is not checking his e-mail, and it would not make sense to call him, since ICU is not the place to do that.
I talked to him yesterday, and he said he'd be back on the job by the middle of next week! (Because the 70-75,000 collages he has already made just aren't enough!) We have no way to know if that is optimism or realism, but he sounded chipper.
I think I'll let him tell you about his experiences when he's back to e-mail. In the meantime, we'll keep you posted on when and how to contact him, as soon as that becomes appropriate.
|Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)
Immortal is one of those "green screen" films which mixes live
actors with intensive computer graphics, ala Sin City. Like Sin City, it is based on a series of Graphic Novels,
The Nikopol Trology, by Enki Bilal. Like Sin City, it incorporated
the style of the comics as accurately as possible. As with Sin City,
the creator of the comics is also credited as director of the film.
There is one important thing which really
distinguishes it from Sin City: the director did not have Robert
Rodriguez to help out as co-director. Unfortunately, that created a
great gap between the technical proficiency of the two films.
Immortal has some imaginative science fiction concepts that are
inconsistently rendered into film. At its best, it looks like a more
sophisticated version of Blade Runner (which was inspired and
influenced by Bilal's art) rendered in a blue-gray palette. At its
worst, it looks as bad as the 1980s video game, Dragon's Lair.
The technical strong points are the cityscapes,
which convey a poetic sense of human development gone somehow wrong,
as if to show that all the technological advances of the future will
be used to make the planet a claustrophobic, overly mechanistic,
joyless place. When the film is able to show the humans acting in
front of essentially motionless backgrounds, it accomplishes what it
sets out to do.
There are two areas, however, where the technology
is simply too primitive to work:
1. Motion. When the CGI backgrounds have to be
brought to life - to represent moving vehicles, for example - the
creators just didn't have the skills they needed. The air cars and
other such vehicles look no more realistic than the puppet effects
in Team America, and in fact there were times when I was looking
for the strings attached to vehicles which were only slightly more
sophisticated than Ed Wood's pie plates. It's so bad in places
that it recalls memories of 1950s movies with the miniature boats
in the bathtubs. In fact, the scenes with vehicle motion look and
sound like what Sin City would have been like if it had been
created in Stalinist Russia: clumsy, clunky, and with the sounds
inappropriately matched to the visual effects.
2. CGI characters. Some of the minor characters
in the film are rendered entirely with 3-D animation instead of by
live actors. There is some point to this. The movie takes place in
a world in which humans include ever more synthetic parts, so it
is possible that the most synthetic humans would look ... well ...
very fake. Unfortunately, I am not talking about realistic 3-D
animation, but rather rounded-out versions of 1960s Japanese
cartoon characters. Imagine Speed Racer in 3-D.
As you can imagine, the poorly animated motion and
the silly cartoon characters make it very difficult to suspend your
disbelief throughout the film, and you'll never forget for a moment
that you're just watching a show. The problem is compounded a
dozenfold by the fact that the live actors perform with a hollow
pretentious style, as if they don't understand the words they are
speaking. This has the impact of eliminating the realistic
characterization that actors normally provide with their voices and
replacing it with a constant faux-poetic intonation, as if the
actors were reciting English phonetically. Imagine Murder in the
Cathedral performed by non English speakers, and rendered in
Oh, boy! Let me try.
A flying pyramid hovers over New York City in
2095. Within that odd vehicle, the Egyptian God Horus sleeps. He is
awakened by his fellow gods Bast and Anubus, and is given seven days
to experience the earth which he created, after which he will be put
to death, for reasons not clear to me.
Needless to say, he plans to use those seven days
getting laid. This serves two purposes. First, it allows him to
implant his seed for his next resurrection. More important, it's
fun. Actually, I'm kidding. There is no sense of fun in the movie at
all. At any rate, his plans will require a male human body for him
to occupy and a female human body ... um ... for him to ... you know
Most of the humans of that time have been
synthetically altered by an evil corporate entity called Eugenics,
and Horus really isn't into the whole artificial body thing, so he
needs the body of one of the resistance fighters who conduct an
underground campaign against Eugenics. He discovers an ex-con named
Nikopol who seems perfect for the job. Nikopol/Horus determines that
the perfect host for the seed of Horus is a human named Jill, who
seems to be some kind of genetic mutation, possessing power even she
does not understand ...
The film has some great moments because of some
sublime conceptualization and art design. Unfortunately, that was
ruined by technical ineptness, an incoherent plot line, weak acting,
and pretentious comic book dialogue. It's a movie that cudda been a
contenda, but isn't.
- Linda Hardy. (1,
7) According to her bio, she was Miss France in
1992. If that is true, she is either very heavily made up or
has been shooting heroin non-stop since the end of the Miss France
pageant. The first two collages also show what the same scene must
have looked like without the fancy lighting effects (see the strip
of pics on top).
See more pics from the film at the Movie House review.
Selma Blair dishes on Hellboy 2
REALITY-SHOW PRODUCERS FACING SEVERE SHORTAGE OF REAL PEOPLE
.. "Number of Real People in U.S. At Dangerously Low Levels, Study
The Daily Show looks at the FBI's counter-terrorist activity.
The Daily Show's Ed Helms fails to find bin Laden in Aruba
The Daily Show's Rob Corddry looks at the decline of foreign
tourism to the USA
Jon Stewart talks to Ringo!
Jon Stewart talks about why can't watch Vespuccian Idol
Reinventing the wheel - literally
Being Batman. Absent super powers, Batman is just a
regular guy who fights crime through determination and technology.
If a very rich man wants to that, it is possible in real life. So
how much would it cost you to be Batman?
Interactive: ask Tom Cruise any question
"Engaging tidbits" (middle of page) "A source VERY
close to the deal is saying there's a contract. It's worth $5
million. It's for five years. There will be no sex. The deal was
sealed June 7."
The gradual evolution of the Starbucks logo
Big breasts "falling" - out of fashion, that is
Tom and Katie - a radaronline film
Michael Schiavo Murder Investigation: Governor Jeb Bush Kicks Off
2008 Campaign With Spirited Farewell Necro-Porking of Politically
Invaluable Vegecorpse - (WHITEHOUSE.ORG)
Tattoo Sleeves - Slip on Body Art
A New Identity, Inc. - Be The Person You Always Wanted To Be
Americans Sucking Canada Dry
The Apostrophe Protection Society
- URL says it all:
"Bea Arthur reveals she'll be going in next week to play Larry
David's mother on a future installment of 'Curb Your Enthusiasm.'"
- Headline of the Day:
"Mayors Challenged To Toilet Bowl Race"
Paris Hilton to have two weddings. Damn. If Cruise had
lived, I'll bet he would have seen her two and raised.
Here is the French trailer for the new Jackie Chan movie, New
Police Story. This looks like it might have some
The Japanese trailer from Fantastic Four, with some new footage
Just wild about ewe.
- "A COBBLER suspected of sorcery was attacked and nearly
lynched by outraged villagers in central Kenya today after being
caught having sex with a female sheep, witnesses and officials
- "I only made love to the ewe twice using two condoms but I
never do it regularly," he said in his defense.
Three lions rescued a 12-year-old girl kidnapped by men who wanted
to force her into marriage. The men had held the girl
for seven days, repeatedly beating her, before the lions chased
them away. The story would be pretty heart-warming if the lions
hadn't eaten her.
Sharon Osbourne says she will help the late Tom Cruise's estate
sue the TV crew who squirted him with water.
Charlotte Church has lifted the lid on her bedroom secrets with
rugby star Gavin Henson. One thing that has changed
considerably since my boyhood is that nobody keeps secrets
anymore. I don't know whether that is good or bad. A little of
both, I suppose.
Batman Begins, as seen through the powerful gaze of filmdom's only
true genius, El Sucio. He didn't like it.
- "Batman Begins is all about overreaching, trying to turn
kid's stuff into grown up's stuff. Those dumbasses want to
pretend to tell a poignant and powerful tale when what they have
is a guy who dresses like a bat and fights bad guys in bad
Mexican wrestling masks all fancied up with simplistic
- "The fanboys have beat the shit out of poor Batman for
years, dressing him up in ever darker and more lugubrious
histories in order to justify their own refusal to mature.
Rather than move on, they just keep redressing Batman."
- "Katie Holmes is so damn lost she looks like she'd say yes
if a gay scientologist asked her to marry him."
Chicago traffic officers slapped drivers with parking tickets for
failing to feed meters - when there were no meters to be fed when
the cars were parked. Ah, the ol' temporary parking
meter trick. I know it well.
- Irony or Patriotism?
I Heart Gitmo apparel.
Remembering the Popsicle Twins - the best 'Gong Show' moment.
Ben Affleck enjoys his scrotum
Palestinian Woman Heading for Charitable Treatment at Israeli
Hospital Caught Carrying 22 Pounds of Explosives. "The
woman, who suffered serious burns on her hands, feet and neck in a
kitchen explosion five months ago, had been granted permission to
cross into Israel from the Gaza Strip for medical treatment when
she raised the suspicion of soldiers at the Erez checkpoint."
Coming Out - as straight!
- Although we have made some good-natured fun of him, we are as
shocked and saddened as all of you to hear about
the sudden, unexpected, and untimely death of Tom Cruise,
and we do not share the opinion that it was staged as a
publicity stunt for War of the Worlds. Who could have envisioned
the levels to which a simple watergun prank might escalate? If Tom
Cruise, so young and so handsome and so invulnerable, can drop so
suddenly as a result of such a minor incident, then what is to
become of any of us?
Tank McNamara bobblehead night!
WHO CUT THE CHEESE? (A Cultural History of the Fart)
Cruise near death after violent squirt gun attack.
- Headline o' the Day:
"Farmers' tractor protest barely raises a fart"
Michael Palin says Hello, Dalai!
Did you know that cameras always see the moon the same size, even
though our eyes see it larger when closer to the horizon?
Jennifer Ellison has broken her collar bone while pole dancing.
Katie Holmes axed from Batman sequel: "Christian Bale,
Michael Caine and Morgan Freeman have agreed to a Batman sequel,
but Katie Holmes has been dropped. Speaking about Katie the source
added: 'She won't be in the sequel. The next romantic interest
will be a much stronger actress. Warner is happy that people are
now focusing on who'll be playing the Joker rather than Katie and
Dog and Cat Fashions
You have more psychopathic colleagues than you might imagine.
Famine Food Database: "Plants that are not normally
considered as crops are consumed in times of famine. This
botanical-humanistic subject has had little academic exposure, and
provides insight to potential new food sources that ordinarily
would not be considered. "
Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the
since it's sorta in real time.
to submit a URL for Other Crap
are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.
- The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the
review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
- If there is a white asterisk, it means that
there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined
there might be something else of interest.
- A blue asterisk indicates the review is written
by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
- If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too
ashamed to admit it.
'Caps and comments by Hankster:
It's a two-fer day, some "Hankster Light" and a "Babe in "Bondage".
First up the old Time Machine goes back to 1979 and visits with Ursula Andress as she goes topless in a scene from "Mountain of the Cannibal God".
Then we set the controls a little further back to 1974 for our "Babe in "Bondage". In the movie "The Satanic Rites of Dracula", Valerie Van Ost gets seduced by Dracula, chained to a wall and gets a stake driven into her. During the chaining and staking process, we get some boob exposure. In my opinion, this is probably the worst vampire movie ever made, although some of the alternate names might be worth a chuckle or two. This flick is also known as: "Count Dracula and His Vampire Bride", "Dracula Is Alive and Well and Living in London", "Dracula Is Dead... and Well and Living in London" and "Rites of Dracula"
- Valerie Van Ost
Then it's back to the future for some boobage from Julie Strain. These topless 'caps are from the special feature portion of the "Enemy Gold" DVD. That Andy Sadaris always has topless women around him!
- Jullie Strain
NOTE: We currently have to do all of our movie files in zip format. Instead of viewing them online, save the zip files to your hard drive in the directory of your choice, un-zip and play from there.
The movie "Hit & Run" (aka "Red Blooded American Girl II") (1997) has always been a bit of head scratcher for me. Ya see, the always sexy and frequently nude Kari Wuhrer has a couple of love scenes, spends the movie barely dressed and the whole point of her character is that she uses sex to get men to do what she wants. Sounds good right? Ok, now here's the kicker...she doesn't show any skin! In fact, we even see her supposedly screwing guys and we can clearly see that her pants are 100% on!
My guess is she either didn't get paid enough or she owed someone a favor when she signed up to make this puppy.
As for the movie...the only thing that makes it worth watching is Kari's nudity. Oh wait...nevermind.
- Kari Wuhrer
- Kari Wuhrer zipped .wmvs
'Caps and comments by Dann:
"Snake Skin Jacket"
This different and original 1997 drama is a tale of two thieves.
One is a white-collar thief who steals 49 cents a month from each of his bank customer's accounts. Over the years, he has made millions, without being caught. His hobby is collecting original costumes from famous movies, and his prize is a snakeskin jacket worn by Marlon Brando.
The other thief is a thug who pulls stick-ups and strong-armed robberies. He once beat an old woman to death over a few dollars.
Eventually, the thug learns of the jacket and decides to steal it. To do this, he enlists his girlfriend to entice the banker into giving away secrets that will allow the thug to bypass the banker's elaborate security system.
This is a good movie, well done with a good cast and a very original and interesting plot.
|The UK babe bares just a bit of breast as she gets it on with Obi-Wan in scenes from 1999's "Rogue Trader".
|An unusual camera angle, but the view is nice. Here is the French babe topless in a bath tub scene from "Mais qui a tué Pamela Rose?" (2003).
|The co-star of several 70's sexploitation movies looking hauntingly beautiful while baring all 3 B's in scenes from the Jean Rollin film, "La Rose de fer" (1973).
|I would love to say that newcomer Kelly Roth looks great topless, because I think she would. However, even though it's a no-budget-indie-horror flick and no one has ever heard of her, she decided to 'be discreet' and tease us by keeping her hands strategically placed. Lame. At least she did give up some nice upskirt panties views. Thanks to the Skin-man for these 'caps from "The Wickeds".
|Pat Reeder www.comedy-wire.com
Pat's comments in yellow...
FEMALE TENNIS PLAYERS GRUNT TOO LOUDLY
You're A Groan Woman! - Wimbledon's retiring chief referee Alan Mills told
the Sunday Times that it's time to crack down on female tennis players'
grunting, which he believes to be a cheap and offensive tactic. It started with
Monica Seles, and Mills believes coaches are now training women to grunt loudly
every time they hit the ball, as a way to intimidate or fake out opponents. The
Times notes that current champ Maria Sharapova makes a 100-decibel grunt,
about as loud as the landing of small aircraft.
Monica Seles's grunts were as loud as the crashing of small aircraft.
British men don't care how excited a woman is, they just want her to
remain silent and think about England.
You know, some of us only turn on tennis to hear women grunting
ODDS ON CRUISE-HOLMES MARRIAGE
The Odds Couple - British bookmakers are already taking bets on the future of
the Tom Cruise-Katie Holmes marriage. They are offering even odds that
they'll have a baby in 2006, 8-to-1 odds that it will be named Paris, and 50-to-1
odds that it will be named Nicole. They are also giving 5-to-1 odds that the
couple will divorce in 2006.
Or even odds that they'll divorce one month after "War of the Worlds" and
"Batman Begins" both come out on DVD.
If they do have a baby, Katie had better not get postpartum depression!
Odds are that with Tom as the father, they'll have a bouncing baby boy who
bounces off the walls.
BOOBS GETTING SMALLER, NOT SMALL ENOUGH FOR DESIGNERS
But Butt Implants Are Getting Bigger - The Harley Medical Group, which
operates a chain of plastic surgery clinics in the UK, reports a deflationary trend
in breast implants. Ten years ago, during Pam Anderson's reign on "Baywatch,"
60 percent of breast implant patients wanted to go up three or more cup
sizes. Now, two-thirds go up just two cup sizes, and 11 percent go up just one
cup. Even Pam Anderson got smaller implants, saying that she decided she looked
like a cartoon.
No, not even comic book artists draw 'em THAT big.
And she was tired of wearing the truss...and of always toppling over.
Don't they realize that deflation in women's breasts leads to depression
Everything's Bigger In Texas! - The New York Times reports that the smaller
breast trend is not yet widespread in America. In places like California,
Florida and Texas, many wealthy women who already bought the best implants money
can buy are complaining that most designer clothes only look good on
flat-chested women. One Dallas boutique owner said "breast enlargements and designer
dresses do not go together," and many of his customers are butchering expensive
dresses to try and get them to fit.
It would actually be cheaper to buy smaller breasts.
They're having to buy second-hand designer dresses from Pam Anderson.
For some reason, fashion designers think flat, boyish chests are sexy.
Dallas women need big breasts, to balance their big hair.
|A quick site note
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