Tuna, our main contributor and the most energetic video capper ever known to man (as all of you well know) is currently indisposed. He is in intensive care in a hospital in the San Francisco Bay area. It doesn't make sense to send him any well-wishes at this point, since he is not checking his e-mail, and it would not make sense to call him, since ICU is not the place to do that.

I talked to him yesterday, and he said he'd be back on the job by the middle of next week! (Because the 70-75,000 collages he has already made just aren't enough!) We have no way to know if that is optimism or realism, but he sounded chipper.

I think I'll let him tell you about his experiences when he's back to e-mail. In the meantime, we'll keep you posted on when and how to contact him, as soon as that becomes appropriate.

Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)

Immortal (2004)

Immortal is one of those "green screen" films which mixes live actors with intensive computer graphics, ala Sin City. Like Sin City, it is based on a series of Graphic Novels, The Nikopol Trology, by Enki Bilal. Like Sin City, it incorporated the style of the comics as accurately as possible. As with Sin City, the creator of the comics is also credited as director of the film.

There is one important thing which really distinguishes it from Sin City: the director did not have Robert Rodriguez to help out as co-director. Unfortunately, that created a great gap between the technical proficiency of the two films. Immortal has some imaginative science fiction concepts that are inconsistently rendered into film. At its best, it looks like a more sophisticated version of Blade Runner (which was inspired and influenced by Bilal's art) rendered in a blue-gray palette. At its worst, it looks as bad as the 1980s video game, Dragon's Lair.

The technical strong points are the cityscapes, which convey a poetic sense of human development gone somehow wrong, as if to show that all the technological advances of the future will be used to make the planet a claustrophobic, overly mechanistic, joyless place. When the film is able to show the humans acting in front of essentially motionless backgrounds, it accomplishes what it sets out to do.

There are two areas, however, where the technology is simply too primitive to work:

1. Motion. When the CGI backgrounds have to be brought to life - to represent moving vehicles, for example - the creators just didn't have the skills they needed. The air cars and other such vehicles look no more realistic than the puppet effects in Team America, and in fact there were times when I was looking for the strings attached to vehicles which were only slightly more sophisticated than Ed Wood's pie plates. It's so bad in places that it recalls memories of 1950s movies with the miniature boats in the bathtubs. In fact, the scenes with vehicle motion look and sound like what Sin City would have been like if it had been created in Stalinist Russia: clumsy, clunky, and with the sounds inappropriately matched to the visual effects.

2. CGI characters. Some of the minor characters in the film are rendered entirely with 3-D animation instead of by live actors. There is some point to this. The movie takes place in a world in which humans include ever more synthetic parts, so it is possible that the most synthetic humans would look ... well ... very fake. Unfortunately, I am not talking about realistic 3-D animation, but rather rounded-out versions of 1960s Japanese cartoon characters. Imagine Speed Racer in 3-D.

As you can imagine, the poorly animated motion and the silly cartoon characters make it very difficult to suspend your disbelief throughout the film, and you'll never forget for a moment that you're just watching a show. The problem is compounded a dozenfold by the fact that the live actors perform with a hollow pretentious style, as if they don't understand the words they are speaking. This has the impact of eliminating the realistic characterization that actors normally provide with their voices and replacing it with a constant faux-poetic intonation, as if the actors were reciting English phonetically. Imagine Murder in the Cathedral performed by non English speakers, and rendered in primitive Japanimation.

The plot?

Oh, boy! Let me try.

A flying pyramid hovers over New York City in 2095. Within that odd vehicle, the Egyptian God Horus sleeps. He is awakened by his fellow gods Bast and Anubus, and is given seven days to experience the earth which he created, after which he will be put to death, for reasons not clear to me.

Needless to say, he plans to use those seven days getting laid. This serves two purposes. First, it allows him to implant his seed for his next resurrection. More important, it's fun. Actually, I'm kidding. There is no sense of fun in the movie at all. At any rate, his plans will require a male human body for him to occupy and a female human body ... um ... for him to ... you know ...

Most of the humans of that time have been synthetically altered by an evil corporate entity called Eugenics, and Horus really isn't into the whole artificial body thing, so he needs the body of one of the resistance fighters who conduct an underground campaign against Eugenics. He discovers an ex-con named Nikopol who seems perfect for the job. Nikopol/Horus determines that the perfect host for the seed of Horus is a human named Jill, who seems to be some kind of genetic mutation, possessing power even she does not understand ...

Blah, blah.

The film has some great moments because of some sublime conceptualization and art design. Unfortunately, that was ruined by technical ineptness, an incoherent plot line, weak acting, and pretentious comic book dialogue. It's a movie that cudda been a contenda, but isn't.


  • Linda Hardy. (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7) According to her bio, she was Miss France in 1992.  If that is true, she is either very heavily made up or has been shooting heroin non-stop since the end of the Miss France pageant. The first two collages also show what the same scene must have looked like without the fancy lighting effects (see the strip of pics on top).

See more pics from the film at the Movie House review.




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  • The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
  • If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
  • A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
  • If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

'Caps and comments by Hankster:

It's a two-fer day, some "Hankster Light" and a "Babe in "Bondage".

First up the old Time Machine goes back to 1979 and visits with Ursula Andress as she goes topless in a scene from "Mountain of the Cannibal God".

  • Ursula Andress (1, 2, 3)

Then we set the controls a little further back to 1974 for our "Babe in "Bondage". In the movie "The Satanic Rites of Dracula", Valerie Van Ost gets seduced by Dracula, chained to a wall and gets a stake driven into her. During the chaining and staking process, we get some boob exposure. In my opinion, this is probably the worst vampire movie ever made, although some of the alternate names might be worth a chuckle or two. This flick is also known as: "Count Dracula and His Vampire Bride", "Dracula Is Alive and Well and Living in London", "Dracula Is Dead... and Well and Living in London" and "Rites of Dracula"

  • Valerie Van Ost (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)

Then it's back to the future for some boobage from Julie Strain. These topless 'caps are from the special feature portion of the "Enemy Gold" DVD. That Andy Sadaris always has topless women around him!

  • Jullie Strain (1, 2, 3, 4)

Crimson Ghost
NOTE: We currently have to do all of our movie files in zip format. Instead of viewing them online, save the zip files to your hard drive in the directory of your choice, un-zip and play from there.

The movie "Hit & Run" (aka "Red Blooded American Girl II") (1997) has always been a bit of head scratcher for me. Ya see, the always sexy and frequently nude Kari Wuhrer has a couple of love scenes, spends the movie barely dressed and the whole point of her character is that she uses sex to get men to do what she wants. Sounds good right? Ok, now here's the kicker...she doesn't show any skin! In fact, we even see her supposedly screwing guys and we can clearly see that her pants are 100% on!

My guess is she either didn't get paid enough or she owed someone a favor when she signed up to make this puppy.

As for the movie...the only thing that makes it worth watching is Kari's nudity. Oh wait...nevermind.

'Caps and comments by Dann:

"Snake Skin Jacket"
This different and original 1997 drama is a tale of two thieves.

One is a white-collar thief who steals 49 cents a month from each of his bank customer's accounts. Over the years, he has made millions, without being caught. His hobby is collecting original costumes from famous movies, and his prize is a snakeskin jacket worn by Marlon Brando.

The other thief is a thug who pulls stick-ups and strong-armed robberies. He once beat an old woman to death over a few dollars.

Eventually, the thug learns of the jacket and decides to steal it. To do this, he enlists his girlfriend to entice the banker into giving away secrets that will allow the thug to bypass the banker's elaborate security system.

This is a good movie, well done with a good cast and a very original and interesting plot.

Anna Friel
(1, 2)

The UK babe bares just a bit of breast as she gets it on with Obi-Wan in scenes from 1999's "Rogue Trader".

Bénédicte Loyen
(1, 2, 3)

An unusual camera angle, but the view is nice. Here is the French babe topless in a bath tub scene from "Mais qui a tué Pamela Rose?" (2003).

Françoise Pascal
(1, 2, 3)

The co-star of several 70's sexploitation movies looking hauntingly beautiful while baring all 3 B's in scenes from the Jean Rollin film, "La Rose de fer" (1973).

Kelly Roth
(1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12)

I would love to say that newcomer Kelly Roth looks great topless, because I think she would. However, even though it's a no-budget-indie-horror flick and no one has ever heard of her, she decided to 'be discreet' and tease us by keeping her hands strategically placed. Lame. At least she did give up some nice upskirt panties views. Thanks to the Skin-man for these 'caps from "The Wickeds".

Pat Reeder
Pat's comments in yellow...

You're A Groan Woman! - Wimbledon's retiring chief referee Alan Mills told the Sunday Times that it's time to crack down on female tennis players' grunting, which he believes to be a cheap and offensive tactic. It started with Monica Seles, and Mills believes coaches are now training women to grunt loudly every time they hit the ball, as a way to intimidate or fake out opponents. The Times notes that current champ Maria Sharapova makes a 100-decibel grunt, about as loud as the landing of small aircraft.

  • Monica Seles's grunts were as loud as the crashing of small aircraft.
  • British men don't care how excited a woman is, they just want her to remain silent and think about England.
  • You know, some of us only turn on tennis to hear women grunting rhythmically.

    The Odds Couple - British bookmakers are already taking bets on the future of the Tom Cruise-Katie Holmes marriage. They are offering even odds that they'll have a baby in 2006, 8-to-1 odds that it will be named Paris, and 50-to-1 odds that it will be named Nicole. They are also giving 5-to-1 odds that the couple will divorce in 2006.

  • Or even odds that they'll divorce one month after "War of the Worlds" and "Batman Begins" both come out on DVD.
  • If they do have a baby, Katie had better not get postpartum depression!
  • Odds are that with Tom as the father, they'll have a bouncing baby boy who bounces off the walls.

    But Butt Implants Are Getting Bigger - The Harley Medical Group, which operates a chain of plastic surgery clinics in the UK, reports a deflationary trend in breast implants. Ten years ago, during Pam Anderson's reign on "Baywatch," 60 percent of breast implant patients wanted to go up three or more cup sizes. Now, two-thirds go up just two cup sizes, and 11 percent go up just one cup. Even Pam Anderson got smaller implants, saying that she decided she looked like a cartoon.

  • No, not even comic book artists draw 'em THAT big.
  • And she was tired of wearing the truss...and of always toppling over.
  • Don't they realize that deflation in women's breasts leads to depression in men?!

    Everything's Bigger In Texas! - The New York Times reports that the smaller breast trend is not yet widespread in America. In places like California, Florida and Texas, many wealthy women who already bought the best implants money can buy are complaining that most designer clothes only look good on flat-chested women. One Dallas boutique owner said "breast enlargements and designer dresses do not go together," and many of his customers are butchering expensive dresses to try and get them to fit.

  • It would actually be cheaper to buy smaller breasts.
  • They're having to buy second-hand designer dresses from Pam Anderson.
  • For some reason, fashion designers think flat, boyish chests are sexy.
  • Dallas women need big breasts, to balance their big hair.

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