"Keep the River on Your Right: A Modern Cannibal Tale"

Keep the River on Your Right: A Modern Cannibal Tale (2000 documentary) is by the same releasing company that brought us the film of the photographer who traveled the 50 states photographing naked people in public. They specialize in documentaries, and their catalogue has many interesting titles. This is the story of Tobias Schneebaum, a Brooklyn Jew, who was trained as an artist, but, along the way, decided he wanted to be more of an anthropologist. His first trip was to Peru on a Fullbright grant, where he went to study Inca ruins. Once there, he heard about a mission full of primitive Indians, and had to see them for himself. The instructions were to keep the river on his right. Once in the mission, a truly primitive man arrived, and told of one tribe killing everyone in his own. Tobias had to meet them. He ended up spending 9 months living as one of these cannibals. He was thought dead, when he returned to New York. Later, he fell in love with tribes in New Guinea, and spend a long time going native there.

Now, at an advanced age, the film makers wanted to explore his life, and visit the places he had been. I found it fascinating, although your mileage my vary. It is not often I learn about a New York Jew who practiced cannibalism, lived as a native, and was openly homosexual even in the 50's. The film is a hodgepodge of stills from his collection, recent footage of him in the US, his old 8 mm archive footage, and the new footage shot in New Guinea and Peru. The only exposure comes in the opening sequence, which shows an art class, with a nude figure model, Elisa Decker. I have no idea how to score this, other than as a genre success. If the subject interests you, it is a well made documentary. The film won many festival awards, and IMDB readers rate it 7.3 of 10. I suppose the proper score is C. You might want to check out other titles from IFC. As their motto says, "Everything else is pure fiction."

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  • Elisa Decker (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)

    "Return to the Blue Lagoon"

    Return to the Blue Lagoon (1991) is the same story, on the same island, with the same number of people as the original Blue Lagoon. Hey, when the formula works, do it again. There are several differences. In the first, the kids were stranded with a salty old sailor, who didn't teach them many things kids should know. In the return, they are stranded with a proper Christian woman, who teaches them morals, spelling, and even the facts of life. The two kids, alone after her death, still discover their own bodies, then marry, but, in this case, they are not related, so there is no incest. Perhaps the most important difference, however, is that they cast Milla Jovovich as the girl. The romance in this one ends happily, as they affirm their love for each other and reject contemporary society, whereas the original had ended as a tragic love story.

    The photography is wonderful, and the performances have some ring of truth in parts, but the film mainly succeeds as eye candy, if at all. Still, I would pay to see it a third time if they made an adult rated version, as the innocent discovery of sexuality is a theme I enjoy. The film appeals most to adolescent girls. I didn't mind watching, which makes me unique in my demographic group. The script is the real problem, followed closely by way to many coincidences, but it is well made and decently acted. I will give it a D+.

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  • Milla Jovovich (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17)

  • Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)

    Legion of the Dead is the worst movie I have seen this year. You know Dieter, the character played by Mike Myers on SNL in "Sprockets"? Well, imagine if he had directed From Dusk 'Til Dawn. "Und now vee tahnce".
    • Kimberly Liebe. I guess it is Kimberly. She never turns around, so it could be any long-haired woman with dark hair and a nice figure, but I don't reckon Kimberly has the clout to demand a body double. In fact, I'd be surprised if she had the clout to demand a paycheck. If they did pay her, they should demand a refund. Based on the look of the film, though, it's doubtful that they had any money to pay her in the first place.


    Scoop's words in yellow


    The Leslie Bega on The Sopranos is indeed the same Leslie Bega in your archives.  She was the 'pretty girl' in that old 'smart kid' sitcom 'Head of the Class' with Howard 'Johnny Fever' Hessman.  (That's more single quotes than any sentence has ever held before!)  I had a huge crush on her back then, so when she made the crappy straight-to-vid (or maybe straight-to-cable even) 'Uncaged' I was all over it.  (I saw it on Cinemax as 'Angel in Red' many moons ago.)  She plays a hooker and gives up the hooters in the scene that is vidcapped in the Archives.  That cap isn't sharp, and she -does- have a weird look on her face, but it's the same woman.

    Apparently she's still working and snagged both the Sopranos gig -and- the Maxim pictorial you posted in the Other Crap section.  That article backs up my claim, listing Head of the Class and Sopranos side by side.  Another excuse for the very different looks is simple: Uncaged was almost 12 years ago, she's 35 now.

    Good info. Here are a couple more of her in The Sopranos, season 4, episode 8. (1, 2)



    • Here is the complete Pirelli calendar site. Not just this year, but every year.
    • The ultimate SI swimsuit edition
    • Putin plans to blow up the moon. Scientists claim that will make the harsh Russian winters more temperate. Of course, those scientists are on the payroll of Weekly World News.
    • The world's most northerly mainland town will tap the tides for energy. That is, until Putin destroys the moon and gets rid of those pesky tides.
    • Scientists find evidence of gay sheep. Doesn't affect me. I don't really care for the male ones. I only have eyes for ewe.
    • Totally cool. Two of my favorite guys, Penn and Teller, will do a new Showtime series in which they expose frauds. They follow in the footsteps of another favorite, The Amazing Randi, who has been using his knowledge of magic and illusion to expose fakes of all kind for decades. I might have to break down and watch TV again.
    • I knew I shouldn't have hired OJ to hunt manatees for my Politically Incorrect Restaurant. (Name: U.S. PIER - uncle scoopy's politically incorrect endangered-species restaurant). Juice would have gotten away with it if he could have kept his speed down. He was arrested for "speeding in a manatee zone", and this time he skipped the hearing! I presume he was speeding in pursuit of the real killers.
    • Winona update. Guilty on two charges, not guilty on the other. The jury found her guilty of felony grand theft and vandalism but cleared her of burglary, a count that required proof of advance intent. Now we get to the point I have been making all along. The prosecution will not seek jail time for her. OK, fair enough, even though Winona and her lawyer were complete weasels from moment one, and even though she obviously did it, nobody wants to see her go to jail except in an exploitation movie. But if the case is not important enough to seek jail time, why was it important enough to waste about a kajillion dollars of the taxpayer's money? I sure hope you Californians voted these DA's out of office if they were running. And file a class action suit against them, while you are at it, demanding that they pay back the cost of this trial to the people of California.
    • Following in OJ's path, Winona vows to hunt for the real shoplifters.
    • Whoa! Turns out that Princess Stephanie was Prince Stephen all along.
    • "Gisele Bundchen is a Brazilian bloodsucker". Sorry to say the article isn't as good as it sounds. She did a fur ad, and the quote is from PETA.
    • Get this. Jon Carl Petersen, 41, is the head of the Iowa office of the federal Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms. He was arrested for DUI and assault with a weapon. Surely the police missed the best item on his back seat - a carton of Luckies with no tax stamp, thus giving him the Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearm trifecta.



    Here are the latest movie reviews available at

    • The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
    • If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
    • A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Lawdog or Junior or C2000 or Realist or ICMS or Mick Locke, or somebody else besides me)
    • If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

    Big News O' the Day
    Not great quality, but who cares when it's Salma Hayek nude! Bootleg topless 'caps from her new film "Frida"!

    'Caps and comments by Spaz:

    "One Way Out"
    Guylaine St-Onge shows her boobs up-close and has a nude above-the-sheets love scene in the Jim Belushi straight-to-video flick. It is scheduled to be released on DVD December 10/2002.

    "The Rats"
    Kim Poirier topless in changeroom, butt in thong, and adjusting the crotch of her panties in the cable movie "The Rats" (2002). This is the same actress who last year refused to go topless in the Canadian cable series "Paradise Falls".

    "Avalanche Alley"
    Kirsten Robek shows a breast during a love scene in "Avalanche Alley" (2001). Movie rated by the MPAA "Rated PG-13 for a scene of sensuality [d'uh], some language and violence/peril." Gnarly, dudes.

    "Show Me Love"
    "Show Me Love" (1999) (aka "Fucking Åmål") is a PG-rated Swedish drama with an NC-17 rated foreign title (which refers to the boring life in small town Amal). The movie revolves around two teenage girls, the shy Elin (Rebecka Liljeberg) who develops a lesbian crush on the most popular girl in school Agnes (Alexandra Dahlström). No nudity but plenty of cleavage from Alexandra.

    • Alexandra Dahlström (1, 2)

    "Love Under the Elms"
    Monica Guerritore topless and distant frontal nudity in the Italian film "Love Under the Elms" (1974) (aka "La Prima volta sull'erba").

    There's almost nothing of Tara Buckman in the Scoopy archives considering the number of B-movies she's done. So here is probaby the complete nude-ography of the Sheriff Lobo star:

    'Caps and comments by Hankster:

    Drive in movie time from 1968! Here's Angilique Pettyjohn in "Mad Doctor of Blood Island". Typical movie of that era, Angilique shows nice legs and cleavage and finally some boob in a lovemaking scene with John Ashley.

    Angilique also did porn films later in her career. She brought her mature yet highly sexual appeal to only four films during the 80's, but still made quite an impression on big-boob fans and fans of sexy older ladies.

    Prior to her carnal career, Angelique Pettijohn worked in a number of b-movies and TV shows. She's best known as Shahna, an alien woman who Kirk seduces in the 'Gamesters of Triskelion' episode of the original 'Star Trek.' She got into hard-core in 1982, appearing in three films that showcased her full-bodied sensuality. Angelique Pettijohn had a short but memorable sexual encounter in 'Body Talk,' a 1983 nominee for Best Picture by the AVN. Her best work comes in the big-boob epic 'Titillation,' where she takes on Mike Horner and Sandra Miller in a big-boobed threesome that is the best sequence in the film. She also has a sensual turn in 'Stalag 69,' a take-off on the old 'Hogan's Heroes' formula with liberal doses of sex thrown in.

    Angelique Pettijohn appeared in one film in 1986, 'Famous Ta-Tas,' then left the business to pursue other avenues. She died of cancer in Las Vegas in February, 1992. Angelique Pettijohn was 48 years old.

    Ana Paula Mancino
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)

    The Italian volleyball star posing topless for Interviu magazine.

    James King The model turned actress topless in scenes from the movie "Happy Campers". Thanks to Alba.

    Megan Ewing A great hand over boobs scan by Blackshine.

    Pat Reeder
    Pat's comments in yellow...

    Hurry Up, You're Late For Soccer Practice! - Police in Barnegat, New Jersey, arrested two twin 14-year-old girls who allegedly held up a bank with an imitation automatic pistol while their mom waited outside in the getaway car to pick them up. Their dad was arrested, too, although police think he didn't know his wife and daughters planned to rob a bank, but he didn't tell the police after he found out they'd done it.

  • He did ground the girls for a week.
  • Teenage girls never tell their dads anything!
  • They're like the "Evil Olsen Twins."
  • Typical mom: she has to chauffeur those kids EVERYWHERE!
  • This is also the plot of next week's "8 Simple Rules For Dating My Teenage Daughter."

    Can I Major In It? - England's Bradford University is being accused by some members of the House of Lords of wasting public money by offering a course on beer drinking. One Parliament member called it an "absurd" ploy to lure more students. But the university denied that the class is an excuse for a pub crawl, saying it's part of the Yorkshire Studies Unit, and students will "examine the place and significance of alcoholic drinks in society in the period 1750 to 1920, principally in England."

  • With a two-week field trip to Milwaukee.
  • Most of the frat members could probably place out of this class.
  • American colleges already have a beer studies program...It's called "Spring Break."

    Post "No Standing" Signs - Tuesday in Paris, about 300 prostitutes protested outside the French Senate against new laws to make "passive soliciting," or just standing on the street, a crime punishable by six months in prison. The man behind the crackdown, Interior Minister Nicolas Sarkozy, said prostitution is not a cute French tradition but a cause of insecurity for urban dwellers surrounded by pimps and prostitutes. The hookers called the politicians "Hypocrites!" and waved banners reading, "Sleep with us, then vote against us!"

  • And the Senators shouted back, "Okay, if you insist!"
  • Whores don't belong outside the French Senate...They belong INSIDE the French Senate.
  • Until now, the only people who'd arrest you for standing around Paris dressed like a hooker were the Fashion Police.
  • Bill Clinton immediately flew to Paris to negotiate a peace.
  • Crackdown, crack up, either way it's 50 dollars.


  • Cynthia Nixon said the next season of "Sex and the City" will be her last...Her reason for quitting: sexual exhaustion.