Vampire Call Girls (1998 video) is at the very bottom of the food chain, with an IMDb rating of 1.2. It is, in fact, about a group of vampire call girls, including Glori-Anne Gilbert, Rocxanne Michaels, Lisa Ann DeVaul and Lilith Stabs. The basic scenario, which the film spends very little actual time on, is that the girls charge clients $200.00, tease them until they come, then suck their blood. When one intended victim escapes, he goes to their house to give them another shot at him.

The first shot in this film is a closeup of Glori-Anne's breasts, jiggling wildly. No, she is not screwing, she is riding a washing machine wearing nothing but a T-back. After both she and the laundry are done, she spreads lotion all over herself, then we have the opening credits, 13 minutes into the film. She gets the guy off, offs him, and moves on. Before the films ends, we have gratuitous shower scenes from DeVaul and Michaels, girl/girl with the two of them, and various nude with customers from both.

Gilbert, breasts and buns
Michaels, full frontal and rear
DeVaul, full frontal and rear
Stabs, nothing.

I do not disagree that this was hopelessly bad, but admit to enjoying the opening washing machine scene. Gilbert actually looked like she was having fun. As a film, it is an E, but there is a lot of flesh to enjoy.

• Here is the other Nasty Kinskiclip from her rarely-seen 1977 appearance in Tatort - Reifezeugnis
• Here is Michelle Williams flashing briefly during the opening credits of her segment of "If These Walls Could Talk 2"
• Here's Moira Kelly in Daybreak, which featured Cuba Gooding several years before his 15 minutes of fame in Jerry Maguire. The Cubatollah has three projects on the pipeline in 2005 after a goose-egg in 2004, but they don't really sound any good.

I call your attention to the bottom two films in Cuba's IMDb credits sorted by rating:

(4.52) - Boat Trip (2002)

(4.09) - Daybreak (1993)

So how bad is this film? Well, it's hard to conceive of anything worse than Boat Trip, but I guess it is one of those possibilities you have to believe in based on highly theoretical explanations, sort of like black holes. I notice that Daybreak  is on DVD. I know I'll hate it, but I'll watch it and get back to you.

Other Crap:

• The trailer for GODARD'S MASCULINE FEMININE, a restored 1966 picture being re-released on the mini-micro-arthouse circuit (one screen at a time).
• Lil' Kim Won't Get Maximum Sentence, Expert Predicts. As Baretta would say, "Don't do da rap if ya can't take da rap." And dats da name o' dat tune.
• Curly, Larry, Moe--and Jacko. Some people say he was The Fourth Stooge. On the other hand, some people say James Taylor was too good for Carly Simon.
• NBC Pairs Jesus, Pill-Popping Priest in TV Pilot. I get it. And he's a South American priest named Jesus, so the show is called "Jesus and Jesus". Kidding aside, this is a real quote from an NBC executive: "If we do it right, with quality, I think there's millions and millions of people who would say, 'Hey, that's what I've been looking for on television.'" I can't attest to the "millions and millions," but it is certainly the catalyst I need to get me back to the tube. And who could argue with the casting of Garrett Dillahunt as Jesus? (Well, I was thinking Gilbert Gottfried.)
• Oregon State Player Allegedly Caught With Stolen Sheep. I need to tell you that the following are not jokes or comments. They are the facts of the case:
  • Although the 200 pound animal was in his vehicle when he was pulled over, he claims that he had nothing to do with the theft. The sheep was planted on him! (Any criminal can plant a murder weapon on you, but planting a 200 pound ram takes a truly diabolical mastermind!)
  • The sheep was actually a ram which was part of a study on homosexuality in sheep. I guess I can see why he would deny stealing a gay sheep.
• Is brainwashing possible? How does it work?
• The Daily Show does its traditional "Bono: Week in Review"
• The Daily Show makes a serious examination of the IRA from a St. Patrick's Day party.
• Claim: Disposable chopsticks are loaded with carcinogens. [[[]]] Status: False. But I'll tell ya what - those suckers ain't helpin' the environment any.
• A clip from Deuce Bigelow - European Gigolo. Oh, hell. I have to admit it. I laughed out loud at this. They're going to drum me out of the Tarkovsky Society. I just know it.
• filmcritic.com's 50 Most Quotable Movie Lines of All Time
• 13th seeded Vermont defeats mighty Big East champ Syracuse.
• Iceland may offer Bobby Fischer citizenship, sanctuary.
• Couple Sells Candles That Smell Like Jesus. Luckily for marketers, the Bible is very specific about the essence d'God. They have sold tens of thousands of these at eighteen dollars a pop!
• President Bush has a scalp-rubbing fetish
• Here is the trailer for War Of The Worlds
• Texas Lawmaker Wants End to 'Sexy Cheerleading'.
• Conan O'Brien interviews Vin Diesel's brother, Leonard.
• Reuters writes an article about Parker Posey joining the Superman cast, but pictures Parker, Mary-Louise
• Weekly World News: "HOW TO STEAL YOUR BEST FRIEND'S GIRLFRIEND"
• The trailer for Red Eye: " From director Wes Craven (the 'Scream' franchise) comes 'Red-Eye,' a suspense thriller at 30,000 feet."
• Here's the trailer for the summer's Michael Bay spectacular - The Island, a sci-fi epic with an eclectic A-list cast.
• Karen Hughes, Newly Appointed Undersecretary of Arabiac Reeducation, Unveils New Campaign to Boost Non-Hatred of America By Lunacy-Prone Muslamoids - WHITEHOUSE.ORG
• Monty Python's Spamalot' Gives Broadway a Silly Season
• Danger, Will Robinson ... A tribute to robots in stage, film, and TV.
• (Quote from /.) --- "A few guys have gotten together to create a downloadable 'television show' about The Scene--the underground network of suppliers, rippers, and coders who bring pirated releases to the warez crowd."
• The Saudi Arabian security forces have arrested 110 men at a 'gay wedding' party in Jeddah. Homosexuality is illegal in Saudi Arabia and is punished by flogging, jail or even death.
  • Even if it were legal, do you know how hard it is to moisturize in the desert?
• Orlando Senator Hopes To Ban Visible Underwear. He is proposing a 10-day jail sentence for violations. Y'know, I do get riled when foreigners talk about how dumb Americans are. But every so often, you have to see their point. This guy got elected. Thousands of people voted for him.
• Mr Spock has a new book out - photographs of fat chicks naked!
• Wisconsin Milwaukee knocks out 'Bama and UAB upsets LSU. Our Longhorns lost in a 8-9 matchup

Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the links above, since it's sorta in real time.

Click here to submit a URL for Other Crap

MOVIE REVIEWS:

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

To put it simply...Halle Berry kicked some ass.

Here are the official poll results and comments.

Here are the results of our most recent other polls...
The Top 20 Nude Scenes of 2004

The Best Nude Film Debuts of the 80s

The Best Nude Film Debuts of the 90s

Which actress has been the most convincing playing a stripper.

Who has the best bum in Hollywood?

Best All Time Television Comedy

Email Scoopy Jr. with nominees, comments or suggestions.

First up from the Ghost today....
'Caps and clips of 'actress' and dancer Kiva Dawson topless and gettin' it on in a variety of scenes from "Women: Stories of Passion". For the most part, the image links correspond with the video clips. The images in links 1-4 match the video clips of links 1-4. Image link #5 goes with clips 5-7. Image link #6 features stills from clip #8.

• Kiva Dawson (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
• Kiva Dawson zipped .wmvs (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)

Next up, a few assorted video clips. Zipped .wmvs as usual.

• "Free Enterprise" co-star Audie England, baring breasts and bum in a couple of sex scenes from a "Red Shoe Diaries" episode. (1, 2)

• Jill Schoelen, the 80's B-babe who dated both Brad Pitt and Keanu Reeves before they became famous. Here she is baring breasts and bum in a steamy shower scene from the 1987 thriller, "The Stepfather". (1, 2)

• Amanda Peet in her undies in scenes from the why-did-they-make-this sequel, "The Whole Ten Yards". (1, 2)

"A Fond Kiss"
A reflection of the times, this 2004 romantic drama tells of the cultural clash that erupts when a devout Muslim man falls in love with an Irish Catholic woman in Glasgow, Scotland.

Predictably, the families have a major problem accepting the situation, and much of the movie focuses on this.

While the movie breaks no new ground, it's very well done, with an excellent cast and good script, and provides some interesting insights.

• Eva Birthistle

Monica Calhoun
(1, 2, 3)

Amy Locane
(1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)

-A.C.

LIL' KIM FACING NON-MARTHA-STEWART-LIKE PRISON
The Shooters Face Up To 10 Years - Thursday in New York, rap diva Lil' Kim and her assistant were convicted of perjury for lying to a federal grand jury to cover for friends involved in a shooting. They each face up to 20 years in prison. The prosecutor told jurors that Kim's testimony that she was wearing sunglasses and didn't notice her two friends were there was "preposterous." She said, "You would have to believe they were magic sunglasses that only block out your friends who were shooting people."