Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)

Passing note:

In examining all of the Sylvia Kristel nude scenes from The Big Bet, I realized that they are ALL lifted from Private Lessons, which was filmed four years earlier. This explains why Kristel looks so trim in her nude scenes in The Big Bet, although she was clearly out of shape in Mata Hari, which was supposedly filmed during the same year.


Nobody's Baby (2001)

This is an offbeat comedy that was shown at Sundance but never caught on. Skeet Ulrich plays a criminal hayseed, a good-hearted but dim-witted rube whose life is (eventually) turned around by finding and caring for a baby. The most distinctive characteristic of the film is that it moves casually between heavy drama, slapstick comedy, and unapologetic sentimentality, and never falters along the way. Tuna picked it as one of the best films of 2002, which is when it came to video, and it is rated a very respectable 6.3 at IMDb. I liked it as well.

I am revisiting it for one reason: Anna Gunn. When this film came out, Anna was basically a beautiful but unknown 33 year old actress with the killer body of a teen beauty queen. Now she has come up to the front burner based on her role as Martha Bullock in the new season of Deadwood. I surely enjoyed doing those collages because she is gorgeous.

Anna Gunn
While we're on the subject, here is Crimson Ghost's zipped .wmv of the all-too-brief Anna Gunn scene
Providing the frontal nudity in this film - in two separate scenes - Robyn Adamson



No Witness (2004)


If I tell you that this film was made in Atlanta for $350,000 and stars Jeff Fahey and Corey Feldman, you'll probably assume that it is a total suckfest, but you'll be wrong. It does have its problems. It is not very original, it looks cheap, and the photography is too dark in general. All of that notwithstanding, it is a watchable straight-to-vid that turned out to be a pretty cool little movie. It ain't Citizen Kane, but I survived it without the fast forward button, and I suppose you might say it's a helluva movie considering it was produced by a disc jockey for $350 Gs! Steve Barnes, who produced this movie and played the hit man, is a top morning drive jock in Atlanta. His production company, Barnesology Pictures, negotiated a three picture deal for Barnes to produce and star. No Witness was the first of the three.

One thing that distinguishes this from most low-budget releases is that it is uniformly well acted except for Fahey. In fact, Fahey didn't do a bad job, either, but he was badly miscast as a U.S. Senator, when he obviously should have been one of the drug lords or even the hit man. It was pretty hard to believe that anybody would vote for this guy. There are some weird lookin' and actin' senators, but not many with spikey unkempt hair and crazy eyes. Senators may be corrupt and debauched, but they can't look corrupt and debauched, or they lose elections. Corey Feldman did an absolutely excellent job in all respects (Jeez, I never expected to be typing that) as the senator's toady. His line readings were credible, and filled with a lot of humor and irony that he personally added to the character. Amazingly, Corey almost made it through the entire film without his obligatory trademark sunglasses, but he did finally manage to slip them on, although just for a couple of frames.

It's a crime thriller about a corrupt senator (Fahey) who has been indicted on several counts. He embarks upon a campaign of bumping off anyone who can implicate him in dirty doings.  The senator insists on a policy of "no witnesses" when the murders are committed. He uses an efficient professional killer, but the senator and the hit man do not meet face to face in order to maintain the politician's deniability. The killer is hired by his smart-ass toady (Feldman).

The script introduces the concepts in a clever opening scene. As the film begins, we see some drug dealers bursting in on a suburban couple, demanding the payoff from some earlier deal. The intruders are just about to kill Ozzie and Harriet when a vigilante bursts through the door and bumps off the tough guys. It's a good scene fraught with dramatic tension, but nothing so very remarkable until the suburbans thank their rescuer, whereupon he surprises them and the audience by killing them as well! He than arranges all the bodies and guns to create the impression of a shoot-out.

What's going on? Two things. The scene successfully whets the appetite, and also establishes the "no witnesses" rule. We realize that everybody who sees the professional killer must die. Tough break for Ozzie and Harriet.

As the film progresses through a series of twists and turns, the Senator eventually hires the hit man to kill a 17 year old girlfriend who has become a potential nuisance to his re-election campaign. This, the hit man does successfully, but only after a long chase through a building where the senator himself is giving a speech. The killer finally stalks and kills his prey in the men's room - just as the senator enters to take a leak. 

Oh, boy! Maybe that "no witnesses" policy wasn't that good an idea after all.

The hit man leaves by commenting to the senator's lifeless body "you should have held it."

The end.

(More or less.)

The nudity in the film was a disappointment. Besides being too dark (like the rest of the film), it consisted entirely of background strippers in nude dancing joints.

Anonymous dancers


Words and pictures from Hankster.

Today we have another "Hankster Light" and a "Babe in Peril" day, both from the same movie.
From Slaughter Studios, we have Tara Killian (Remember her from a couple of days ago all tied up and suspended in Shallow Ground) (right) >>>>
Well, here's the funny part. I'm in my local video store and look at the box cover for Slaughter Studios and I say to myself, "that looks like Tara Killian on the cover."

I had passed this one by before, because the box said rated R for violence and language, with no mention of nudity. Well it does have lots of nudity and Tara winds up in a scene similar to "Shallow Ground," as she gets a hook through the back of the head, and winds up dangling with boobs exposed. This girl has to be a glutton for punishment

Before that, some nice leg exposure ...

...  then a topless shower scene.   
Then we have Mia Zottolli topless in the movie's opening scene.
B-movie Veteran Lorissa McComas shows up with some awesome cleavage in her nightie. And tomorrow I promise you will pull down that nightie as we show you the rest of the nudity from "Slaughter Studios".


The Michelangelo of vidcap collages is back with another extraordinary collection.
Ally Sheedy in High Art
Drew Barrymore in Bad Girls
Holly Marie Combs in A Reason to Believe
Jacqueline Bisset in High Season
Jane Fonda in Coming Home
Keira Knightley in The Jacket
Mary Elizabeth Mastrontonio in The January Man
Radha Mitchell in High Art
Robin Givens in Boomerang
Teri Hatcher in The Cool Surface

The Crimson Ghost

Tracy Keijser in an episode of Passion Cove

Seņor Piel

  The Edukators (2004)
Julia Jentsch

Feeding the Masses (2004)

Izzy Kunkle


More paparazzi. This time, it's Mischa Barton
Brittany Daniel, photographed by her sister Cynthia
Nicole Kidman, photographed on the set of Fur, the upcoming biopic of the eccentric photographer Diane Arbus. (I'm a bit skeptical about this film. It's difficult to see how one could make a Diane Arbus biopic without an NC-17 rating.)
From Zononon Zor, the master of the seamless collage, Halle Berry in Swordfish

Movie Reviews


Here are the latest movie reviews available at


  • The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
  • If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
  • A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
  • If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.


Other Crap

Urban Legends: The nature of Arby's Roast Beef

A SCOTSMAN with a fascination for mullet haircuts has been visiting sites in Australia that share a name with the infamous cut.

Japanese develop realistic 'female' android. Is it the pleasure model?

Lennon, the problem-plagued musical celebrating the life and songs of John Lennon, has pushed back its Broadway opening again

Scarlett Johansson says she is not proud of her films and thinks acting is a relatively pointless profession

Submitter wrote: "I actually pulled this one, on my wife, during the second week of our marriage. I still think of it as the day I discovered a wife is NOT a girlfriend."

New football video game features 'Ron Mexico'

Dennis Rodman was pulled over and ticketed twice Tuesday while driving his gold-and-black Lamborghini through Colorado in a charity rally race. In between he was involved in a minor crash and later accused of stealing a hat! Just another day for Dennis.

The Trailer for Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

Letterman's Top Ten Answers To The Question, 'How Hot Is It In New York'

"Why do they call Q-tips Q-tips?" Did you know they were originally called Baby Gays?

Bill Maher discusses anal rape on Leno's show. (And Leno tries to change the topic.)

An entire web site dedicated to different variations of The Aristocrats Joke

"What happens when a pitbull picks a fight with a porcupine?"

Did Mr Peterman get hosed in Dancing With the Stars?

Lewis Black looks at the struggle to reconcile our racist past

Conan looks at a new series of stamps from the U.S. Post Office: other things Tom Cruise is bizarrely passionate about.

Jon Stewart discusses the summer of the backpack

Diane Lane explains to Jon Stewart her role in the wussification of Jon Cusack.

The Daily Show's Samantha Bee reveals there might be some Nascar Dads who aren't so into Nascar Moms.

The trailer for CSA: Confederate States of America. This sounds interesting:

  • "CSA: The Confederate States of America," through the eyes of a faux documentary, takes a look at an America where the South won the Civil War. Supposedly produced by a British broadcasting company, the feature film is presented as a production being shown, controversially, for the first time on television in the States. Beginning with the British and French forces joining the battle with the Confederacy, thus assuring the defeat of the North at Gettysburg and ensuing battles, the South takes the battle northward and form one country out of the two. Lincoln attempts escape to Canada but is captured in blackface. This moment is captured in the clip of a silent film that might have been.

    Through the use of other fabricated movie segments, old government information films, television commercials, newsbreaks, along with actual stock footage from our own history, a provocative and humorous story is told of a country, which, in many ways, frighteningly follows a parallel with our own. After victory, President Davis brings slavery back to the northern states by offering a tax rebate to businesses and households who will buy and own them. Liberals move to Canada. The nation chooses an expansionist policy and conquers Mexico and South America. As world war looms, the CSA takes a non-aggressive stance toward the Third Reich and their move toward racial purity (although not condoning their wasting of possible slave stock by the Final Solution) and makes a preemptive strike on Japan on December 7, 1941.

    Kennedy is assassinated soon after being elected, as it appears he will not only emancipate but also give women the vote. A growing black terrorist base stems from Canada and a Cold War breaks out...complete with the Cotton Curtain being built between the two countries. Through it all, including a contemporary run for the presidency, we follow a political dynasty, the Fauntroy family, who lead the country through its triumphs and tragedies. We arrive to a today that, in many ways, we recognize. Although a nation that is content and prosperous, there is a tremendous divide within and suspicious eye without. Current politicians refer to us as two countries and perhaps, other than geographically, there is no difference between Red and Blue or North and South states. We have always struggled as to whether we are the United or Confederate States of America.

This week's movies - limited release. The Aristocrats - 81% positive reviews.

  • "fucking brilliant."
  • "It's hard to imagine a documentary more foul-mouthed or jaw-droppingly, side-splittingly hilarious."
  • "dear sweet lord is it FUNNY!"
  • "What do you call a movie this fuckin' funny? The Aristocrats."
  • " "It's at once a comedy, a horror film, and a hilariously unsettling testament to the deepest reality of what comedians are: rim-shot madmen, driven to seek out and destroy all that's taboo."

This week's movies: Must Love Dogs - 13% positive reviews. Notes to John Cusack: (1) Fire agent (2) Let new agent do script selection.

This week's movies: Stealth - 22% positive reviews. I guess Jamie Foxx's hot hand has played out.

Some sample quotres:

  • "a derivative action-adventure that's basically an ultra-produced videogame"
  • "aesthetic modus operandi of replacing all traces of humanity with digitized artificiality."
  • "painful to watch"
  • "laughable flyboy fable runs out of some serious fuel in the storytelling department...glaringly unimaginative as a thumping techno-thriller"

This week's movies: Sky High - 80% based on only five reviews. That score will undoubtedly decline. Some have remarked that it looks too similar to The Incredibles, but it looked pretty cute to me, and I'll probably take my niece.

Art thief drinks $70,000 exhibit. The exhibit was a bottle full of melted water from the Antarctic, designed to highlight the dangers of global warming. The theory is that someone drank it. The artist moaned, "It looked like an ordinary bottle of water."

  • (Well, I guess it won't be that hard to replace.)

The Average Iraqi answers your questions (

Carrie Underwood, who won the 'American Idol' crown in May, was voted the 'World's Sexiest Vegetarian'"

Kate Moss Wins Libel Case Over Drug Report

Kate Beckinsale has revealed she wants to play Wonder Woman. What is she, in third grade? A few months ago she was going to quit acting and become a doctor.

Promise TV -- PVR records a month's worth of shows from all channels

Spooky stuff! Listen to the Eerie Sounds of Saturn's Radio Emissions. It sounds like Yoko has moved to Saturn to break up their top rock group.

Tom 'Pohaku' Stone works to revive the ancient Hawaiian tradition of he'e holua, or lava sledding. I have a feeling those ancient Hawaiians didn't have a long life expectancy.


Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the links above, since it's sorta in real time.

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