Sensitive New Age Killer

 (2000)

SNAK is the story of a sensitive hit man named Paul who is trying to make it big in murder-for-hire even though he only whacks people who deserve it. He knew what his career would be like way back when he was a kid, after he saw legendary hit man Colin "The Snake" Adder (Frank Bren) take out someone who was picking on his favorite hooker.

Oh, Paul has made some hits, and feels competent, but he's been waiting for the one big hit that would make his reputation and insure financial success, and he's starting to get pressure from his wife (Helen Hopkins) to be a better provider.  He does have a few handicaps. First, he was caught by police woman Matty (Carolyn Bock), who is blackmailing him for sex, but doesn't know he is married. That is bad enough, but his best friend George is blackmailing his wife into sex because she looks like his dead mother, and because he found out he was actually her daughter's father.

It looks like things are finally going Paul's way when Mattie the Policewoman tells him about a million dollar hit, but even that gets complicated when his boyhood hero, The Snake, returns to town to whack the same target.

Sensitive New Age Killer was one of two very silly films helmed in 2000 by Australian director Mark Savage, the other being Masked Avenger Versus Ultra-Villain in the Lair of the Naked Bikini. The film contains great action, good death effects, and a generous helping of black humor. For instance, Kevin Hopkins snorts his mother's ashes, and The Snake always has a stethoscope so he can listen to his victims die. Made for about a million dollars, it is an excellent effort - a quick watch and a refreshingly original and entertaining crime/noir/dark comedy.

It is available in the US from RLDVDs.com in an all region PAL loaded with features.

Helen Hopkins shows breasts, as does Simone Satin as a clothing removal expert, and real-life dominatrix Nik Wilmott shows her right breast as a dominatrix. Carolyn Bock had just given birth, and in her words, her "bazookas were too big to take out."

 

Rush Hour 3

Chief Inspector Lee (Jackie Chan) is escorting his old friend and ambassador Han (Tzi Ma) to the World Criminal Court summit in Los Angeles, where Han intends to reveal the head of the infamous China Triad.  Han is stopped by a shooter, whom Lee chases to an alley and finds him to be Kenji (Hiroyuki Sanada), someone Lee knows from his past.

Then Lee gets re-united with Detective James Carter (Chris Tucker) again, who is on traffic duty at the time of the assassination attempt. Han's daughter, Soo Yung (Jingchu Zhang) wants Lee and Carter to track down those responsible, the men who will not stop until her father is dead.  After some investigating at a martial arts facility in Chinatown, the pair discovers that their next step to finding the identity of the head of the Triad is to go to Paris. This is the worst of the three Rush Hour movies, still it made enough money to let the window open for another one.

Noemie Lenoir

 

Film Clips

samples to the right when available

Johnny Moronic kicks it off with episode three of the Aussie Adult Soap, Satisfaction. First up is the unlikely named Sergeant Peta. I don't recommend naming your kid Sargeant unless your last name is Bilko, and not even then if it is a girl. If you have to choose a military rank for your kid's first name, go with Colonel. Generals are sometimes political pussies, but career full birds never take any shit from anyone.
Madeleine West in Satisfaction
Spence Yesse in Satisfaction
Two more collages from Satisfaction (no film clip)
Cyd Schulte in The Flock
Tamara Mello in Scorpion Spring
Romola Garai in MaryBryant (Fair warning: Romola is almost as adorable as Rollergirl was ten years ago, but there's not much nudity, as shown in the sample.)
Linh Dan Pham in Pars Vite Et Reviens Tard
Beyonce's famous boob flash. There has to be a better quality vid of this.

Other

Some better versions of Cameron Diaz and Matt Dillon on South Beach, circa 1999/2000

Finally, it's a bimborama. Kardashian and Hilton, showering on a public beach, probably offering themselves as bait to lure college guys back to their dungeon, where they will rend the flesh of the youngsters, and drink their blood.

The Comedy Wire

Comments in yellow...

Michigan Lawsuit Abuse has named the winners of its 11th annual  "Wacky Warning Label Contest."   Among the finalists were a Vanishing Fabric Marker whose label warned people not to write checks with it; a letter opener labeled "Caution: Safety goggles recommended;" a baby stroller with a pouch labeled "Do not put child in bag;" and a T-shirt iron-on that warns, "Do not iron while wearing shirt."  The winner of the year's wackiest warning was a label on a small tractor that reads, "Danger: Avoid Death."

*  To be fair, you can't argue with that.


Dustin Hoffman, a Dunkin' Donuts clerk from Elmwood Park, New Jersey, was shoved by a would-be robber who began looting the register.  But Hoffman's big concern was how he would look in the security tape on YouTube.  He said it would either show him running and hiding or whacking the guy in the head, so he grabbed a metal cup and "clocked that guy pretty hard." The tape shows him hitting the robber repeatedly in the head with the cup until he runs off.  Hoffman said, "There are only a few videos like that on YouTube now, so mine's going to be the best. That'll teach this guy."

*  If the other Dustin Hoffman had done this in "Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium," it might've been worth seeing. 




Britney Spears was in the news twice Wednesday.  First, she failed to show up for a long-scheduled hearing into her child custody rights,
with a source telling E! News that her "anxiety level was too high," and she was feeling sick.  Meanwhile, some good news for Britney: French producer Phillippe Rebboah wants her to play the Virgin Mary in a movie called "Sweet Baby Jesus."  It's a satire.

*  In the movie, custody of Jesus goes to the Father.

*  Good idea: put Britney Spears in charge of a baby that can turn water into wine.