Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)

Ma Mere (2003)

This is the controversial French melodrama about that whole wacky Mother/Son Oedipal thing. Pictures in yesterday's edition. Read my review here. (One of my funnier ones, I hope.)

Haute Tension (2004)

This is the controversial French splatter film. Read my review here.

Manderlay (2005)

This is the second part of the Lars von Trier America trilogy, which is essentially acted on on sparse stage sets. Variety did a comprehensive analysis here. Nicole Kidman played the lead in the first installment (Dogville), but she has since been replaced by Bryce Dallas Howard (Opie's daughter). Howard's extensive nudity includes some open leg shots. This will be a contender for the best nude scene of 2005.

Bryce Howard Collages:



Terminal Justice (1995)

One of the recurring points of Kurt Vonnegut's fiction is that even bad science fiction is filled with interesting ideas. The concepts developed by Kilgore Trout, Vonnegut's fictional sci-fi writer, are some of the most fascinating elements of Vonnegut's work, even though Trout is such an unsuccessful author that he is often found peddling newspapers or working in some other menial capacity.

Terminal Justice could very well be a Kilgore Trout story - filled with ideas so obviously short-sighted that you can't imagine what the author was thinking of, yet also filled with intriguing concepts and questions about the future of technology and its impact upon ordinary people. The most blatantly silly concepts involve the dates. The film was made in 1995, and we can see that some of the "futuristic ideas" were probably outdated by 1996. Parts of the film take place in 2002, and the main action takes place in 2008. Looking back on it from 2005, The current status of internet and PC technology in real life make the monitor displays and capabilities of even today's computer illiterate look spectacular compared to what the filmmakers imagined for our time. And the people in the film are still talking into those giant-sized clunky cell phones that we used to use in the mid 90s. Yet in other respects, the film portrays virtual reality experiences, cloning processes, and synthetic drugs that are probably still decades in the future, if possible at all.

Here are a few tips for you prospective sci-fi writers:

  • If you are writing in 2005, don't locate your story in 2009. By the time it gets filmed and released to video, people will already know you are an idiot. This exact problem was enough to turn an otherwise brilliant film, Strange Days, into a forgotten relic.
  • Locate the story at least 70 years in the future. If the people of that time consider you an idiot, you will be dead, and it won't bother you.
  • If possible, locate the story a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, ala Star Wars. That allows you to have some things far more advanced than Earth technology existing side-by-side with other things which Earthlings do better.
  • As a general rule, the rate of technological change accelerates, but does so arithmetically, not exponentially. Look at the changes of the past forty years. About the same speed of development can be expected in ... I don't know, certainly not the next forty years, but probably not the next five either ... maybe the next 25.
  • If there are things you wish you had, and can easily imagine, they are likely to be created fairly soon. The fact that you can imagine them means that they are based on existing technology. That fact that you want them means that a market exists, giving companies the incentive to create them.

1995's Terminal Justice did a terrible job at imagining what our time would be like. Having been made just before the internet explosion, it got pretty much everything in the IT world wrong, and it didn't do much better elsewhere. But, like Kilgore Trout, it does raise some interesting questions about the moral issues which humans will have to confront in the face of accelerating technology. If I am cloned, can I be prosecuted for killing my clone? Is it, in fact, me? The film says it is me, and I would certainly disagree, but the film's POV does point to the kinds of issues the law of the future will need to address.

The basic plot of Terminal Justice involves a cop (Lorenzo Lamas) who is protecting an actress (Kari Wuhrer) from being kidnapped and cloned. She is a particularly desirable source of DNA since she had previously been converted into the star of a virtual sex experience, so it seems that every man in the world is already in love with her - even Lorenzo's lieutenant! So how much could a corporate megalomaniac (Chris Sarandon) make by having a genius scientist (Peter Coyote) reproduce her ad infinitum with flesh-and-blood clones? A lot, presumably.

The film's most intriguing ideas involve the decline of physical contact. Oh, it hasn't happened yet, but it might. How will your wife compete for your attention when you have a chance to have virtual sex with Jessica Alba every night. Perhaps you're tired of Alba. In that case, have sex with anyone you want, even your own wife, and whoever you choose will always do and say exactly what you want.  Similarly, how will you compete when your wife can get in the VR machine with a tireless and freshly-scrubbed Brad Pitt, and experience dozens of earth shattering orgasms in Tahiti or under the Eiffel Tower. If all of that happens, and it becomes as affordable as a can of Coke, what effect will it have on other aspects of society, like prostitution? Will the world's oldest profession become obsolete? Terminal Justice can't offer all those answers, but it is compelling enough to ask them, which is pretty impressive for a B movie.

Is the film any good? C'mon, dude. It's a mid-90s straight-to-vid starring Lorenzo Lamas. How good could it be? I will say, though, that it is the Citizen Kane of Lorenzo Lamas movies. It features some lively ideas, some interesting baddies (Peter Coyote and Chris Sarandon), and Kari Wuhrer young and topless. Those are not bad things, and they make it possible to endure the film without the fast forward button.

Here's Kari Wuhrer

Zipped .avis, caps, and comments by ICMS


First of all I would like to submit again clip # 1 of Andrea Sawatzki in "Das Experiment" from Thursday. For some reason the zip file ended up corrupt. Since I always check those files before I send them in, I absolutely don't know how this has happened.

Now it is time to conclude our overview of the actresses who appeared nude in "8 Women" by Peter Greenaway.

  • Polly Walker shows all 3 B's, first in a shower scene, then in a long scene on a bed. (1, 2, 3)
  • As you may have already noticed Mr. Greenaway gets his actresses from all over the globe. Sometimes they hail from the other half of the globe, but the last one to be uncovered comes from much closer to home. I am referring to Belgian babe Natacha Amal who shows breasts and buns while scrubbing a pig in a bath tub. This was from the period before Natacha hit the big time in France with the TV-series "Femmes de Loi" ('Women of the Law) where she plays the role of the assistant D.A. (or substitute-procurator of the Republic, to literally translate the French term). I'll submit much hotter material of Natacha in a couple of days.

That's it for now, hope to be back soon.

'Caps and comments by Hankster:

Today as promised we return to "The Godson" that 1971 treasure chest of sleazy exploitation.

And it's all about Jane Allyson (Jane, not June) as this lovely thing bares all in a sex scene.Plus to my delight she becomes a delicious topless "Babe in Bondage" in an outdoor scene.Sadly all does not end well for her.

Jane Allyson

No, that's "Not all Folks", we will return tomorrow with even more sleaze from "The Godson".

'Caps and comments by Dann:

"Satan's Little Helper"
With a fairly unique plot, this 2004 comedy/horror film is the ultimate in "be careful what you wish for".

A young boy is upset when his older sister returns home for Halloween, but brings her boyfriend with her. She always goes trick or treating with him, but this year the boyfriend plans to tag along. In a fit of anger, and dressed in a Devil costume, he runs off to "find Satan".

As he roams the streets in his Devil costume, he finds a grown-up in a Satan costume, and joins him. Satan doesn't talk, but he does do some pretty neat maiming and killing, which the boy assumes is faked for his benefit. Only towards the end does he realize the mayhem wasn't faked.

A twisty little horror comedy, different and not bad to watch.

Katheryn Winnick

Melisa McGregor

The paparazzi catch "Desperate Housewives" mega-babe Eva Longoria doing a little snorkeling in bikini!

"The Village" star (and Ron "Opie" Howard's daughter) Bryce Dallas Howard bares all in scenes from Lars von Trier film "Manderlay" (2005). In the new Hollywood, where A-listers (and even B-listers) are being downright prudish, the open-crotch view in #10 is definitely a bit of a surprise!

The Skin-man takes a look at the 1996 direct-to-vid lo-budget puppet-horror flick, "Pinocchio's Revenge". Kiwi actress Rosalind Allen briefly bares her breasts while Candace McKenzie clearly bares all in her first of 3 total career screen appearances.

Rosalind Allen

Candace McKenzie

Movie Reviews


Here are the latest movie reviews available at


  • The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
  • If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
  • A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
  • If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

Other Crap
Garland was in total control of the Angels, staking the ChiSox to a 2-1 edge.
  • Konerko provided all the necessary firepower. Uncharacteristically, he did it away from his home park. In the past two years he has 52 homers at home, only 29 on the road.
  • In 2003, Konerko hit .234 with 18 homers - weak numbers even for a shortstop, and enough to send a first baseman to AAA. The Sox stuck with him and since then he has posted back-to-back 40 homer seasons.

"A VATICAN-recognised university is offering a course in exorcism and diabolic possession." When I get possessed, I hope my exorcist didn't get a "C" in that class.

The World in a Glass: Six Drinks That Changed History

Jessica Alba takes on the sexiest roles in movie history - in a magazine. Come to think of it, that requires her to look spectacular and doesn't necessitate any acting. I think she's found her niche.

The Mirror says the new Bond is "boring, monosyllabic."

"HUNDREDS of clubbers are descending on the UK's only nude disco every Saturday night." It's hard for me to imagine that a country which once ruled the civilized world now has only one nude disco. How the empire has fallen.

The trailer for Eight Below

  • "Based on a National Geographic article, 'Eight Below' is the Disney story of two Antarctic explorers forced to leave their team of sled dogs behind as they fend for their survival in the brutal cold."

Mary-Kate Olsen Leaving NYU > Late Night with Conan O'Brien =- the latest quotables

  • "The latest political rumor is that North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il is close to naming his successor. Kim says the only person with sunglasses big enough to replace him is Nicole Richie."
  • "President Bush defended his Supreme Court nominee, Harriet Miers, calling her 'plenty bright.' Not only that, the President also said that Miers has 'real purty hair.'"
  • "It's been reported that Leo Sternbach, the inventor of Valium, died this week. Not surprisingly, Sternbach's family is taking it very well."

In celebration of Yom Kippur, the Shofar Player returns to Conan.

Alexis Arquette will have a sex change, and will make the process into a documentary show for A&E. (He is the brother, soon to be sister, of Patricia, Rosanna, and David.)

Uncle Scoopy's Guest House presents the French Oedipal melodrama, Ma Mere

Jeff Dowd has his own web page. You know him better as "The Dude" - the real-life slacker who provided the inspiration for The Big Lebowski.

Where are they now? He-Man

Cat got your tongue? We know the exact cat.


2005 NFL Cheerleader Tour - Day 25: St. Louis Rams

OK, the sports fans of St. Louis may have some other things on their minds right now than cheerleaders. The Rams are taking on the best team in the NFL in Indianapolis on Sunday. The Blues have just defeated the Black Hawks for their first victory of the young NHL season. And the Cardinals are playing in some baseball game or something ... nobody is interested in that, right!

The St. Louis Rams Cheerleaders may have the best home page on the tour. A slide show of the cheerleaders advertising their swimsuit calendar sets the tone. The entire web site looks fantastic and is easy to navigate. I love the idea of wallpaper (you can only download one style), and the chance to buy past calendars and posters. The community section is always good, but pictures would make it complete. My biggest problem comes with the section on the girls themselves. They are beautiful. So beautiful they even make those terrible uniforms look good. Latasha, Beth, and Angeline (WOW) are just some of the stunners on this squad. But there are no bios. Did these girls cheer all of their lives, do they have a regular jobs, do they like ponies, dolphins, or rainbows? I wanna know! For all we know, Rams officials just went to down to the local Hooters and threw outfits on some hot chicks. With the time put into this web site, I am surprised that bios were not included on all cheerleaders.

Rating 8.0 out of 10.

We wrap up the 2005 tour on Monday. We may have saved the best for last!

It's official: James Bond Gets a Makeover - As a Blond - for Casino Royale. Craig hopes to uphold the fine tradition of ... um ... George Lazenby. Seriously, I'm not as skeptical as some of you.

  • Craig has demonstrated that he is a good actor. Not just good - very good. I admire Gwyneth Paltrow, but when I reviewed Sylvia, I wrote, "And to tell you the truth, Paltrow was overshadowed by a charismatic performance by Daniel Craig as Ted Hughes, just as Sylvia Plath was overshadowed by the real Hughes."
  • Craig has also demonstrated that he can be a very cool dude. When I reviewed Layer Cake, I wrote, "It also has a very cool star, Daniel Craig, who can best be described as Steve McQueen with a different accent." Hey, you can't get much cooler than to be compared with Steve McQueen! When I reviewed Layer Cake I didn't even realize I was talking about the guy from Sylvia.
  • I just put those thoughts together and concluded that a guy who is a better actor than Gwyneth Paltrow and as cool as Steve McQueen may indeed be the right man to fill Bond's gimmicky shoes, although in his case they will have to be elevator shoes, unless the director hires very short villains. I say give the man a chance to strut his stuff. If he fucks up, THEN we can make (more) fun of him.

Where are they now? Rick Moranis. He's a C&W singer. SILLY C&W, like Jim Stafford.

Zarqawi: I Hate My Boss. Weekend retreat with al-Qaeda.

  • "After lunch, the next round of stupidity: another one of those retarded 'team building' activities. These consultants divided us into color-coded teams, and gave us big bags of styrofoam cups and tongue depressors. The idea was that we were supposed to compete to build the highest cup tower. What the fuck this had to do with restoring the caliphate, I had no idea, but during the debrief the consultant finally said it was 'an exercise to help you discover cooperation strategies.' Oh brilliant. Maybe you could have told me that before I decapitated those three idiots on the Blue Team."

WAL-MART SEX OIL SALES SKYROCKET ... (this is a story?)

MovieJuice! reviews Serenity. Under the sarcasm, Mark Ramsey makes the point that the movie might have been a hit with some star power, but restricted its audience to Firefly geeks by employing a cast that had zero appeal to a mainstream moviegoer checking the paper for something to see.


"Cheney Defends Accidental Bombing Of Smurf Village."

The trailer for Kids in America

  • "Kids In America is a reality-based dramedy about the experiences of young people in modern-day America. Set in the fictional Booker High School a diverse group of students are tired of seeing their freedoms taken away. They band together and change their world by empowering themselves and their community to protect freedoms of expression and speech."

Tori Spelling's Husband Seeks Divorce . He's asking her for spousal support as well.

"Jordan is having an operation to reduce her 32FF breasts." I'm sure whatever she chooses will be tasteful and elegant.

Letterman's "Top Ten Signs You Have Too Many Kids"

  • "Any movie you take kids to instantly becomes number one film in the country"
  • "You're spending $7.3 million a year in allowance"
  • "Family wiffle ball game has larger attendance than Devil Rays games"

Pat Reeder
Pat's comments in yellow...

Stereo Cans - BT Laboratories futurologist Ian Pearson suggested that computer chips be placed inside breast implants. He said that using flexible plastic electronics, one boob could hold an MP3 player, and the other could hold the woman's entire music collection. It could be controlled by a wrist panel and send a wireless signal to headphones. Pearson told the London Sun, "It is now very hard for me to think of breast implants as just decorative. If a woman has something implanted permanently, it might as well do something useful."

  • It DOES do something useful, moron: it makes her breasts bigger!
  • Now, men will want to put their heads between women's breasts and wear them like headphones.
  • Combining big breasts with digital stereo equipment...It's man's ultimate fantasy!
  • To men, breast implants are already like stereo speakers: there's no such thing as "too big."
  • How about installing a radio in there? You could twist one nipple for tuning and one for volume.

    The Italian Stallion Vs. The Gray Panther - It's been confirmed that Sylvester Stallone, who turns 60 next year, has signed to write and direct "Rocky VI." In it, a poverty-stricken Rocky comes out of retirement, causing a media frenzy, and a promoter sets him up to fight the much-younger heavyweight champion.

  • ...George Foreman.
  • It takes all of Rocky's heart and will to come back and win after he breaks a hip in Round One.
  • I figured he'd be battling osteoporosis.

    No MTV! - Madonna was once the bane of uptight parents, but now that she has her own kids, she's suddenly an overprotective Puritan. Madonna told Harpers & Queen magazine that she's the disciplinarian in the family, and if her kids are naughty, they get no movies or no stories before bed. Her TVs are hooked up to show only movies she's pre-screened. She said, "My kids don't watch TV...TV is trash. I was raised without it. We don't have magazines or newspapers in the house either."

  • Certainly no magazines or newspapers from 1980 to 1995, with stories about mommy in them.
  • And no books! She wouldn't want her kids to see that filthy "Sex" book!
  • This isn't that new: she's always been into discipline.
  • Yeah, she was raised without TV and look at how moral she turned out to be!...40 years later!

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