"Avenging Angelo"

Avenging Angelo (2002) is supposed to be a light hearted crime/comedy featuring Rambo as a laid back mob body guard. His Don has had him protect his daughter, Madeleine Stowe, for years, even though he had a couple adopt her to protect her life. When the Don (Anthony Quin in his final role) is whacked, Stallone now has to tell Stowe about her real father, and protect her. She dumps her cheater husband early in the film, when she finds him screwing her friend Carin Moffat in her own swimming pool. It is obvious from the beginning that Rambo has the hots for Stowe, and why not? She does look great in this film.

Stallone either does a great job of portraying a low key hit man, or they had him on vallium the entire shoot. The humor fell flat, the action was not exciting, and there was no chemistry between Stowe and any of the men she played opposite in this film. Moffat shows breasts and bush from a distance when discovered by Stowe. I did enjoy the lighthearted score, and nothing was especially wrong with this film, but neither was anything especially good about it. C-.

  • Thumbnails

  • Carin Moffat (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

    "Dark Blue"

    Dark Blue (2002) is a police thriller with all of the usual plot elements, and a backdrop of the racial unrest in LA while waiting for the Rodney King verdict. We have a crooked vice chief in charge of a special crime unit, a good vice chief faced with a choice between taking a chief's job in another city and staying to clean up the LAPD, a veteran cop who believes the end justifies the means, and his rookie partner. I will leave the crimes and investigations for you to discover, but will warn that the film ends in a total melodrama. But, and it is a big but, the veteran cop was played masterfully by Kurt Russell. His performance was good enough that I recommend this film mainly because of it.

    Kaila Yu, as a stripper, shows breasts and buns. IMDB readers have this at 6.5 of 10. It only grossed $9.06M against a $16M budget, but Ebert and Berardinelli both awarded 3 stars. In both cases, it was mainly the strength of Russell's performance. I agree, and will give this one a C. A decent enough cop thriller that rehashes old ground, but features a great performance by Russell.

  • Thumbnails

  • Kaila Yu (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)

    "My Beautiful Laundrette"

    My Beautiful Laundrette (1985) is termed a drama/romance at IMDB, and I will take their word for it. This UK film is unconventional, to say the least, and is character rather than plot driven. The central character is a Young Pakistani man living in poverty with his drunken father, who was once a famous journalist. Dad calls his uncle, and gets him a job. Uncle is a successful business man, and feels obligated to give this relative a chance. The chance ends up being the refurbishment and running of a launderette. So much for plot details. This film is not really about the laundry, however. The young man enlists the aide of his school chum in renovating the laundry, and we gradually learn that the two of them are gay. Not only that, but the friends pals are Paki bashing bigots. Oh yes, and uncle has a white mistress, and would like our hero to marry his daughter, played by Rita Wolf.

    Wolf flashes her breasts outside a crowded room so only our hero can see them through the windows. IMDB readers have this at 6.9 of 10. It was nominated for an Oscar for best screenplay. Ebert awards 3 stars, praising the performances, character development, and the view of some of the contrasts in modern British society. I spent most of the film wondering exactly what I was seeing, but must admit it held my interest, and I bonded with some of the characters. C.

  • Thumbnails

  • Rita Wolf (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)

  • Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)


    Updated volumes: Greta Scacchi


    What can you say about a film with a title like that which is rated 2.4 at IMDb? When the Vampire isn't killing the usual victims, he also works as a mercenary soldier. As far as I can tell, the vampire killing star is actually Yankee first baseman Jason Giambi. Good choice. He knows what to do with a bat.

    Incredibly bad film. Read the whole sordid review here. With pictures. One of my funnier ones.


    Body & Soul:

    OK, it's a Masterpiece Theater thing about a conflicted nun, and I only watched it to see Kristin Scott Thomas stark naked. Five friggin' hours of prayer and hand-wringing melodrama.

    Read the review here. A short summary, but pretty funny.

    • Kristin Scott Thomas (1, 2, 3, 4)




    Here are the latest movie reviews available at

    • The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
    • If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
    • A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Lawdog or Junior or C2000 or Realist or ICMS or Mick Locke, or somebody else besides me)
    • If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

    'Caps and comments by Brainscan:

    This guy I know has a great idea for a tv show. Combines reality TV with a gameshow. The idea is to get a bunch of people together and tell them the prize they win if they stay in the game is something astronomical. $100 million or a weekend with Buffy. Both even.

    Catch is this: get the question right and move on, get it wrong and something horrible happens to you. The rewards and the punishment go up each round, so the final round between the last two contestants is Buffy for the winner, a famished two-pound wharf rat shoved down your pants for the loser. Damn good idea.

    Now the kicker for the question is that not enough information is given for a certain, accurate answer BUT you get to ask one question and have it answered. And it had better be good or else here comes that rat.

    So if the question is, "Which United States President was assassinated in his first term?" Well, you got Garfield and Kennedy. So your question? How about, "In which war did he fight while in the armed services?" Or something like that.

    All that is meant to introduce images of Shannon Elizabeth in two movies. 'Cuz if the question du jour were: "What is the title of the Shannon Elizabeth movie in which confirmed bachelors find marital bliss, one of them by marrying Shannon?" you would have two choices. Dish Dogs and Tomcats. Your question had better be, "Does she give up the goodies?" because in Dish Dogs she does, in Tomcats she doesn't. Otherwise these movies were just about cloned.

    From Dish Dogs we have nine collages of Shannon in her stripping scene (the other topless scene in the DVD extras I forgot about, and I am not renting it again just cap that scene.) Shannon's topless in all of the collages, shot back in the days before carbon gave way to silicon.

    • Shannon Elizabeth (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)

    From Tomcats there are two collages of Shannon, the first a downblouse of sorts and the second a skimpy lingerie thing.

    • Shannon Elizabeth (1, 2)

    A bunch of other babes are also in these movies. They are:

    • Chona Jason in Dish Dogs as one of the other strippers. Pass this one by if robohooters are not your thing, because boys these are hooters most robo.

    • Lorissa McComas in Dish Dogs, wearing a skimpy top. Sheesh, what is the purpose of hiring Lorissa and telling her to keep her clothes on? Girl used to strip for a living.

    • Maitland Ward in Dish Dogs, completely clothed hut she's a cute-as-a-button redhead so I capped one of her scenes.

    • Amber Smith showing cleavage in Tomcats. She plays a temptress in this movie. That's what you call type-casting.

    • Heather Stephens in Tomcats, trying out for the part of Hankster's wife. Heather plays a demure librarian who has a decidedly off-beat hobby. She's clothed but she is cute and is she ever dangerous.

    • Jaime Pressly, also clothed, but looking just fine. Jaime plays a wife whose husband suspects she participates in girl-girl activities. A running joke is that he thinks he sees her in compromising situations (top right, fer example) yet only in the end does he catch her in the act. All is forgiven, however, when she invites him to enjoy the action. Yep, that's my idea of a real fun time-- carousing with the wifey-poo and her lesbian lovers.

    • Last up is Rachel Sterling in Tomcats showing off some bum in a thong and barely keeping her marvo-hooters under wraps. Rachel was one of the two new Juggy Dancers on the Man Show, and she has posed for about 4000 very explicit pictures under the name of Angel Veil. (1, 2)

    Julia Dietze Side breast views in scenes from the German movie, "Die Stimmen".

    Birge Schade Topless in a bath tub scene from an episode of the German TV series "Die Cleveren".

    Judith Pinnow Topless in scenes from "Große Jungs".

    Joely Richardson
    (1, 2, 3, 4)

    Full frontal and rear nudity in scenes from Ken Russell's version of "Lady Chatterley" (1992).

    Peta Wilson
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16)

    The "La Femme Nikita" star shows breasts, bum, bondage and full frontal nudity in scenes from "Mercy" (2000). 'Caps by Señor Skin

    Bonita Saint
    (1, 2, 3, 4)

    Hardcore 'caps by The Gimp with the former Pet doing the nasty in scenes from the adult film, "North Pole #6".