Avenging Angelo (2002) is supposed to be a light hearted crime/comedy featuring Rambo as a laid back mob body guard. His Don has had him protect his daughter, Madeleine Stowe, for years, even though he had a couple adopt her to protect her life. When the Don (Anthony Quin in his final role) is whacked, Stallone now has to tell Stowe about her real father, and protect her. She dumps her cheater husband early in the film, when she finds him screwing her friend Carin Moffat in her own swimming pool. It is obvious from the beginning that Rambo has the hots for Stowe, and why not? She does look great in this film.

Stallone either does a great job of portraying a low key hit man, or they had him on vallium the entire shoot. The humor fell flat, the action was not exciting, and there was no chemistry between Stowe and any of the men she played opposite in this film. Moffat shows breasts and bush from a distance when discovered by Stowe. I did enjoy the lighthearted score, and nothing was especially wrong with this film, but neither was anything especially good about it. C-.

UPDATES:

Updated volumes: Greta Scacchi

FROST: PORTRAIT OF A VAMPIRE (2002):

What can you say about a film with a title like that which is rated 2.4 at IMDb? When the Vampire isn't killing the usual victims, he also works as a mercenary soldier. As far as I can tell, the vampire killing star is actually Yankee first baseman Jason Giambi. Good choice. He knows what to do with a bat.

Incredibly bad film. Read the whole sordid review here. With pictures. One of my funnier ones.

• Zoe Paul (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

Body & Soul:

OK, it's a Masterpiece Theater thing about a conflicted nun, and I only watched it to see Kristin Scott Thomas stark naked. Five friggin' hours of prayer and hand-wringing melodrama.

Read the review here. A short summary, but pretty funny.

• Kristin Scott Thomas (1, 2, 3, 4)

OTHER CRAP:

• The ever eccntric Gary Busey, the new Ozzy Osbourne of Reality TV
• American Mullet, "the most important hair documentary ever made." And there was some stiff competition from "Burr Cut: Do the Marine Do", and "Mohawk Better Blues"
• Remembering "Batman the Cereal"
• an advance review of The Hulk "The tone is oppressively serious, befitting Greek or Shakespearean tragedy more than a tale ripped from the pages of Marvel Comics." Ang Lee directed. Just call it "Crouching Monster, Hidden Scientist"
• The Matrix re-reloaded
• the least credible Saddam Body Doubles - the link leads to my personal favorite
• the Virgin Mobile commercial that was banned in the UK
• here's that chick who streaked the U.S. Open
• Mariah Carey wants a guy, and not one like that "little boy who is so high-school", Eminem. Eminem can't be all bad if Mariah thinks he's a dickhead.
• looking for a roomy fixer-upper? The Astrodome is for sale, cheap. Unfortunately, it comes with a $70 million debt.
• Premiere picks the 10 Sexiest Sex Scenes of all Time. Incredibly ill-informed list. Nick Roeg's Walkabout made the list, even though it doesn't even have a sex scene! (Just skinny dipping). The pretentious photography scene in Blow-Up is picked as the sexiest sex scene of all time, and the beautifully filmed and incredibly hot "The Lover" isn't even mentioned, nor is the rain scene in "9 1/2 Weeks", nor Wild Orchid, Basic Instinct, Gitano, Original Sin, Bound, Monster's Ball, Desperado, Don't Look Now, Wild Things, or Intimacy. Some legit entries, like Body Heat, The Hunger, and Last Tango did sneak on the list.
• Former BAYWATCH star PAMELA ANDERSON was verball abused by a drunken passenger onboard a flight from Florida to California on Saturday
• Tina Yothers of Family Ties fame to star as the pioneer of ur-porno, Linda Lovelace.
• The cartoon Playboy Bunny hops into the closet of teenage girls. 70s feminists cringe.
• The Weekly World News has outdone itself this week. This week's headlines in the newsstand edition:
  • Church group asks the Pope to grant sainthood to The 3 Stooges. (*But not to Shemp!)
  • America is facing a critical shortage of Elvis jumpsuits.
  • Saddam and Osama are lovers.
  • Hitler's penis for sale on e-bay.
  • Angels are declared an endangered species

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Lawdog or Junior or C2000 or Realist or ICMS or Mick Locke, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

This guy I know has a great idea for a tv show. Combines reality TV with a gameshow. The idea is to get a bunch of people together and tell them the prize they win if they stay in the game is something astronomical. $100 million or a weekend with Buffy. Both even.

Catch is this: get the question right and move on, get it wrong and something horrible happens to you. The rewards and the punishment go up each round, so the final round between the last two contestants is Buffy for the winner, a famished two-pound wharf rat shoved down your pants for the loser. Damn good idea.

Now the kicker for the question is that not enough information is given for a certain, accurate answer BUT you get to ask one question and have it answered. And it had better be good or else here comes that rat.

So if the question is, "Which United States President was assassinated in his first term?" Well, you got Garfield and Kennedy. So your question? How about, "In which war did he fight while in the armed services?" Or something like that.

All that is meant to introduce images of Shannon Elizabeth in two movies. 'Cuz if the question du jour were: "What is the title of the Shannon Elizabeth movie in which confirmed bachelors find marital bliss, one of them by marrying Shannon?" you would have two choices. Dish Dogs and Tomcats. Your question had better be, "Does she give up the goodies?" because in Dish Dogs she does, in Tomcats she doesn't. Otherwise these movies were just about cloned.

From Dish Dogs we have nine collages of Shannon in her stripping scene (the other topless scene in the DVD extras I forgot about, and I am not renting it again just cap that scene.) Shannon's topless in all of the collages, shot back in the days before carbon gave way to silicon.

• Shannon Elizabeth (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)

From Tomcats there are two collages of Shannon, the first a downblouse of sorts and the second a skimpy lingerie thing.

• Shannon Elizabeth (1, 2)

A bunch of other babes are also in these movies. They are:

• Chona Jason in Dish Dogs as one of the other strippers. Pass this one by if robohooters are not your thing, because boys these are hooters most robo.

• Lorissa McComas in Dish Dogs, wearing a skimpy top. Sheesh, what is the purpose of hiring Lorissa and telling her to keep her clothes on? Girl used to strip for a living.

• Maitland Ward in Dish Dogs, completely clothed hut she's a cute-as-a-button redhead so I capped one of her scenes.

• Amber Smith showing cleavage in Tomcats. She plays a temptress in this movie. That's what you call type-casting.

• Heather Stephens in Tomcats, trying out for the part of Hankster's wife. Heather plays a demure librarian who has a decidedly off-beat hobby. She's clothed but she is cute and is she ever dangerous.

• Jaime Pressly, also clothed, but looking just fine. Jaime plays a wife whose husband suspects she participates in girl-girl activities. A running joke is that he thinks he sees her in compromising situations (top right, fer example) yet only in the end does he catch her in the act. All is forgiven, however, when she invites him to enjoy the action. Yep, that's my idea of a real fun time-- carousing with the wifey-poo and her lesbian lovers.

• Last up is Rachel Sterling in Tomcats showing off some bum in a thong and barely keeping her marvo-hooters under wraps. Rachel was one of the two new Juggy Dancers on the Man Show, and she has posed for about 4000 very explicit pictures under the name of Angel Veil. (1, 2)