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"Formila 69"

Formila 69 (1984) is an abysmal hardcore in every way. More about that later. When I ran Toolbox Murders, I had several requests for Kelly Nichols from her hardcore career. Due to the poor video quality of this DVD, which was obviously mastered from a video tape, and the fact that it is full of nobodies, I didn't bother with the other actresses. Kelly is supposed to be secret agent Jamie Bond. Two dykes are posing as sex therapists, and have invented a perfume that turns women into dykes and men into Shakespeare spouting love slaves. Kelly, with the help of her partner, is to stop them from taking over the world. Her partner never manages an erection the entire film, despite a good 15 minutes of blow jobs. The actor that plays the head of the agents is so bad, he makes Elvis look like Barrymore.

The film would be worth watching as a group to make fun of, if not for the fact that the sound is mushy, with lots of hiss, and is painful to listen to. Give this one a wide berth. F.

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  • Kelly Nichols (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13)

    "Jason Goes to Hell"

    Jason Goes to Hell (1993), aka The Final Friday, is the 9th in the Friday the 13th series, and radically departs from the standard plot line. As the film opens, we see Julie Michaels enter a dark cabin, change a light bulb, undress for a bath, then get attacked by Jason. She escapes to the woods, and just as Jason is ready to do her in, Klieg lights come on, and the entire US army riddles him with bullets, then blows him into several large pieces with a mortar round. Cut to the coroners office for the autopsy, where the doctor discovers that the heart is still beating. He finds it so irresistible that he eats it, and Jason enters his body. All this before the opening credits. For the rest of the film, Jason jumps from one body to the next, hoping to mate with his one surviving relative, so he can be reborn in a healthy body.

    All of this is, of course, just an excuse for great nudity, and lots of kills, some of them very gory. My favorite is seeing Michelle Clunie climax, then have a tent spike shoved through her torso, then splitting her in two. They made an MPAA version, and an Uncut version, which was the plan even before they started shooting. Both are on the newly released DVD. Clunie, of Queer as Folk fame, is completely nude having sex with her boyfriend in a tent. We get numerous views of her breasts, and a hint of bush. Stunt woman Julie Michaels, who was cast because nearly her entire sequence involved stunts, shows breasts and buns. Kathryn Atwood shows breasts and buns changing for bed. The "naked campers get murdered" scene was added after test audiences complained about not having a scene like that in the film.

    IMDB readers score this 3.7 of 10, with 1,231 votes. US gross was $15.9M. Critics were unkind. Berardinelli, for instance, awards 1 1'2 stars, but admits that it is better than many of the films in the series, and has some good points, but suggests in to genre aficionados only. I think the IMDB score is an indictment of the genre, rather than a reaction to this particular film. I don't like most of these, and I was entertained. The film has done rather well in video release here and internationally, and they did a good job with this new DVD. It has both the MPAA and the unrated version, a feature length commentary, and several highlite scenes of all of the murders. The film is a watchable entry in a tired franchise, and is therefore a C.

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  • Julie Michaels (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
  • Kathryn Atwood (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10)
  • Michelle Clunie (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18)

  • Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)

    Big Trouble is a Dave Barry novel brought to the screen with a budget of $45 million. Despite a 2000 theater roll-out, it grossed about the monetary equivalent of one of those Cracker Jacks prizes, and ended up one of the season's bigger losers. No female nudity. (There is male nudity)

    The Big Picture (1989) was the first film directed by Chris Guest, the guy who wrote Spinal Tap and wrote/directed Best in Show. I normally like his work, but this movie was slow and quite conventional, with only a few good moments.

    • Party guests (1, 2)
    • Teri Hatcher (Hatcher is not naked, but she was really buff in 1989, and was wearing some sexy lingerie) (1, 2, 3)

    To the Devil, a Daughter actually looks pretty good, but is a grade-z script which was constantly being rewritten as they wrote it. It wasn't much of a swan song for Hammer Studio, but I think I wrote an informative and silly review.

    • Nastassja Kinski (1, 2)


    • New Encyclopedia volumes for Reese Witherspoon, Sonia Braga, Lolita Davidovich, Maria de Demedeiros, and Devin Devasquez
    • Charlie's French Cinema Nudity site is updated

    Other crap:


    Here are the latest movie reviews available at

    • The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
    • If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
    • A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Lawdog or Junior or C2000 or Realist or ICMS or Mick Locke, or somebody else besides me)
    • If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

    Graphic Response
  • Susan Anspach, breast exposure, and far off full frontal views in scenes from "Montenegro" (1981).

    Be sure to pay Graphic Response a visit at his website.

  • Hankster
    'Caps and commetns by Hankster:

    Today we finish our look at Kelly Nichols as our "Babe In Peril" in 1978's "The Toolbox Murders". Poor Kelly is chased, caught and nailed with the nail gun, all while she is totally naked. This movie is what you might call an exploitation sickie.

    Jillian McWhirter
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

    The B-movie babe in lingerie from "Bloodfist VII" (links 1-4) and then finally giving up a little toplessness in "Last Man Standing".

    Carol Alt A upskirt view of the model turned actress in scenes from "Body Armor" aka "The Protector".

    Kari Wuhrer Cleavage and hiking up her skirt to show off her panties in "Thinner".

    Mylène Demongeot Topless in scenes from French movie "Il faut vivre dangerousement" (1974).

    Britney Spears
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11)

    Paparazzi pics of the Pop Princess. Links 1-3 show her in a bikini at the beach. Links 4-11 show Britney out shopping in a tight jeans and an even tighter shirt (as always). Link #7 in interesting...notice what it says on her belt? Thanks to The Rock.

    Erika Alexander
    (1, 2)

    From two episodes of the made for cable series "Street Time". Topless and rear nudity in link #1, breasts only in #2. Vidcaps by Raja.

    Keely Hawes
    Rachael Stirling
    (1, 2, 3, 4)

    Toplessness and some lesbian lovin' in scenes from "Tipping The Velvet". For the trivia fans, Rachael Stirling is the daughter of Dianna Rigg, aka Emma Peel of the 60's series, "The Avengers".

    Pat Reeder The Comedy Wire
    Pat's comments in yellow...

    That's The Problem: His Heart Beats - Saddam Hussein is the only candidate in next week's Iraqi presidential election, but he's campaigning hard to make his regime look legitimate. He's put up posters with his smiling face and a message saying his heart beats as one with his people; he has a campaign song, Whitney Houston's "I Will Always Love You"; and a slogan: "Yes, Yes, to our Beloved Leader, Saddam Hussein!" Opposition groups call it "The Mother of All Election Frauds."

  • Except for New Jersey, of course...
  • Luckily, they bought Florida's old voting machines, so Bush will still beat him.
  • His opponents are all dead, so they're now running for Congress in Hawaii.
  • There's one line you stand in to vote for Saddam, and another line you stand in for the firing squad.
  • "I Will Always Love You?!" So, the American assault has already begun!

    Air Guitarists Have Imaginary Pains - A medical study by England's University of Surrey found that wannabe rock guitarists may be in danger of developing musculoskeletal problems such as Repetitive Strain Injury. They found that young players who practice long hours bashing at their guitars often grip the strings too hard and have poor posture because they're looking down. Add to that their anxiety about obtaining future employment, and it can result in wrist, shoulder, neck and hand pain.

  • Nothing a little heroin won't fix.
  • Their parents always did say their music was a pain in the neck.
  • Most of them seem to avoid this problem by not practicing.
  • Yes, I'm sure the biggest health hazard rock guitarists face is poor posture.
  • This doesn't even mention the ear pain they cause everyone else.

    What Butts! - Jan Elzenga of Enschede, Holland, was fired from his job at a packaging company because he doesn't smoke. When his colleagues went outside for their cigarette break, he went along to get a breath of fresh air. His bosses told him that only smokers were allowed to leave the building, and dismissed him.

  • He can't get a break!
  • If he wanted fresh air, he should've stayed inside the building.
  • If he likes fresh air, he'll just have to take up smoking.


  • RCA Records has signed "American Idol" second-place finisher Justin Guarini. His album will be on the label owned by "Idol" producer Simon Fuller, who also created the Spice Girls... Justin's always wanted to be a Spice Girl!...His nickname will be Dorky Spice...Appropriately enough, his album will be called "Number 2."