"Lagrimas Negras"

Lagrimas Negras (1998), or Black Tears, is a Spanish romantic tragedy staring Ariadna Gil, who was cast against type, and gave a stellar performance. As a matter of fact, she was nominated for best actress Goya. Fele Martinez is living a nice life. He has a nice apartment, a nice fiancee (Elena Anya), and a nice job editing film and doing photography, which is exactly what he wants to be doing. After dropping his girlfriend one night, he is kidnapped at gunpoint by Ariadna Gil, and her heroin addict girlfriend, Ana Risueño. Before they steal his car, they tie him up, and Gil has sex with him.

A few weeks later, his car turns up. One of the tires is flat, but nothing, including his camera, is missing. When he spots Gil in a video he is editing for a shrink, he learns that she is rich, but disturbed, and sets out to meet her. This leads inevitably to a sexual relationship. The question is, will this woman with a degenerative mental disorder be his ruin, or will he be her salvation? The more he learns about her sordid past, and the prognosis for her mental condition, the more determined he is to save her.

Gil, who usually plays hip, attractive, witty leading ladies was absolutely brilliant as the deranged, often unkempt woman. Risueño was also very strong in her role, and Anya was more than believable. Gil shows breasts in two scenes, and Anya shows breasts and buns in a sex scene.

IMDb readers have this at 7.6 of 10, with nearly equal marks from male and female, and young and old. Rocardo Franco, who co-wrote, and started the directing died before filming was completed. They continued with Fernando Bauluz in the director's chair, but stayed true to Franco's vision. The cinematography was wonderful, with some breathtaking shots of the Portuguese coast, and interesting night shots of Madrid. In short, it is a very well made film. A tougher question is, will you enjoy it? I felt like Martinez was being stupid all along, and would have preferred a happier ending, but it did hold my attention the entire running time. This is a high C+. It was shown at one Spanish Language film festival in the US, and is only available on Region 2 PAL from Spain. If tragedy is your idea of good cinema, this is a very good one.

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  • Ariadna Gil (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13)
  • Elena Anya (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12)

  • Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)

    Dark Harvest (2003)

    (Here's a requested film.)

    Stop me if you've heard this one,

    A bunch of city kids plan to spend a week in an isolated, deserted farmhouse which they have never seen. When they stop for directions, the crotchety and somewhat inbred ol' geezer at the general store tells them to stay away from that place, because something awful happened there years ago. They ignore the warning, frolic around for the rest of the day, then start dying at sunset. Some of them survive.

    Oh, you've heard it?

    In this version, one of the kids inherited the farm from a father he never knew. Way back in the thirties, his crazy ancestor had managed the farm to bumper crop after bumper crop in the midst of drought, famine, and the closure of everyone else's farms. He did that by killing his neighbors and using their bodies as scarecrows. I'm not clear why this technique worked, but it did. In the present time, the scarecrows are still hanging around the ol' farm in convenient ghost form, and when they find out that our modern-day hero is a descendant of the guy who killed them, they are some mighty angry-ass scarecrow ghost dudes.

    The film has many negatives.

    (1) The acting is way below par. It would be below par for a porn film. I never heard of any of these "actors", and neither has IMDb.

    (2) the special effects are about as bad as any film not made by Ed Wood

    (3) well, you've read the plot summary, so you there's nothing original

    (4) the dialogue is routine stuff "We have to leave now". "C'mon, don't tell me you believe those old legends". Yadda yadda.

    In the midst of the bad acting, special credit must be given to Joshua Dodrill, whose performance as Scarecrow #2 was only exceeded by his turn as Scarecrow #3. There is a rumor that the Oscar committee may give him two of the five "best supporting actor" nominations, because they just can't decide which scarecrow was better.

    There are some minor positives:

     (1) Some of the photography is quite good, even though the camera movement and editing were not especially proficient. The scenes from the 30s actually look pretty darned good.

     (2) There is a good skinny-dipping scene.

     (3) The ending credits include funny outtakes which demonstrate the problems with no-budget filmmaking. This was absolutely the best part of the film.

    Aside from that, move along. Nothing to see here except this nudity:

    • Jeanie Cheek (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

    • Aimee Cox (1, 2, 3, 4)

    • Jessica Dunphy (1, 2)


    Wild Things (1997)




    Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the ones above, since it's sorta in real time.

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    Here are the latest movie reviews available at

    • The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
    • If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
    • A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
    • If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.


    Words from Scoop.

    .avi's from Shiloh.

    .wmv files made by Scoop from Shiloh's .avi's.


    Backbeat 1993

    • Beatles-related biopic about Lennon's mate, Stu Sutcliffe, who dropped out of the group to study art, and died while still a 21 year old student, before he could ever do anything significant. Kinda cool movie if you are interested in The Beatles, but just routine if not. Sheryl Lee's nude scenes are delightful in either case. (.avi, .wmv)

    • Sheryl Lee in Backbeat. (.avi, .wmv)

    • Sheryl Lee in Backbeat. (.avi, .wmv)


    Wings of the Dove 1997

    • Helena Bonham Carter. Total chick-flick which may put many to sleep before the last reel. That's a shame, because Helena gets VERY naked in the last few minutes. By the way, it is a decent chick-flick. Beautiful period settings and costumes, fairly interesting story, magnificent photography of Venice. The DVD quality is gorgeous! Unfortunately, these clips appear to be from VHS.  (.avi, .wmv)

    • Helena Bonham Carter in The Wings of the Dove  (.avi, .wmv)

    • Helena Bonham Carter in The Wings of the Dove  (.avi, .wmv)



    Perhaps these tips will help if you have trouble with the codecs for these movies:

    Shiloh says:

    FYI when I hypercam vids to make the file size smaller I use DivX MPEG-4 Fast-Motion for the video compressor, then I use virtualdub to compress the audio. The properties for the vids says the video codec:  DivX Decoder Filter & audio codec:  Morgan Stream Switcher which I'm not familiar with. When I compress the audio with virtualdub I use MPEG Layer-3.  A friend of mine told me about compressing the audio about (6) mos. ago. Like I said previously, only been capping for a year & a half & I'm no expert. Hopefully this info will help members with the proper codecs for my vids.
    When I cap big brother's I use hypercam mostly & sdp & asfrecorder if the set up allows me. I stopped using camtasia cause the file sizes were always too big, could never figure out the process, over my head lol, plus it cost too much to buy in my opinion.

    A reader says:

    You mentioned that some users were having trouble with the videos on your site. There is a tool designed to determine what codec is needed for a video. Hope this is useful to you or your users.

    Scoop says:

    I made the .wmv versions of each video. The codecs for these: Windows Video V8, Windows Audio 9. The upside of these is that you know the codecs, and they'll play in the Windows Media Player. The downside is that they are slightly larger, and slightly lower quality.

    'Caps and comments by Brainscan:

    Call Girl (1995) used to be entitled "Nighttime Lover" back in the olden days, when videotapes ruled the earth. With the change in title any and all forms of subtlety leave this movie. For you see, this is a movie about an artist... a female photographer of erotic images... who struggles to make ends meet and takes up high-priced hooking because, after all, prostitution is just another lifestyle choice, like driving a Lexus or owning a Siamese cat.

    Her visits to forbidden places of the night bring out the kinky in our artist, making her photographs edgier and oh so arty. Art with a capital F, that is.

    Everything about this movie fails. What is supposed to be erotic is boring, what is meant to be disturbing is laughable. None of the male characters is the least bit interesting, for the most part because the guys what play them can't act a lick. And who in hell wrote the dialogue? An 8-yr-old can do better... an eight-yr old border collie? But them dogs is really smart.

    Women do get naked. Melanie Hall, aka Meilani Paul, who IMDb says was one of the back-up singers in the Ray Charles Pepsi commercials, is the artist-turned-hooker. She shows boobs and bum, in a scene shot with a camera strapped to Katherine Hepburn's head.

    • Melanie Hall, aka Meilani Paul (1, 2)

    Two of her models romp around a lot. They are played by veteran B-movie babe, Jennifer Leigh Burton, and former Heffer, Pia Reyes (Miss Nov 1988). Both are fleetingly fully frontal. Pia is something of an enigma. She was in 8 movies from 1993-1996 and gave up some goodies in most of them, but she is one of the least known former Heffers of the past two decades. I think she was a real cutie and so I grabbed just about every frame of Pia's performance. The collages show her in a playful photoshoot (collages 1-4), the black-and-white products of that shoot (5 & 6) and finally in a kinkier shoot later in the movie (#7).

    • Pia Reyes (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)
    • Jennifer Leigh Burton (1, 2, 3)

    JJ Mantia is another veteran of B movies who does an almost triple-B performance. JJ plays a woman chosen to engage in copulatory acts as her husand watches behind a window. Yep, that's what the screenwriter decided was so very forbidden.

    • JJ Mantia (1, 2, 3)

    Dominique Simone and Jenna Lynn Minardi play streetwalkers hired to pose for photographs when Pia can't stop laughing over what Melanie wants her to do.

    Shari Eckert has the oddest scene, as a woman tied up and hooded, apparently frightened as a man undresses her and gropes her. I think you are supposed to be disturbed by it all, but it was so damn silly I took Pia's cue and laughed my way through it.

    And then there three attractive unknowns who fill out the roster in one of the forbidden hideaways where only the rich and perverted hang out. The poor and perverted hang out on the internet.

    So, yep, sure, uh-huh there are a bunch (a pod, a herd, a covey) of nekkid babes but yumpin yiminee the tedium you must endure to see them is near-bout unbearable. IMDb scores this one a 3.2. I think someone misplaced a decimal point.

    'Caps and comments by Dann:

    In May of 1998, my first collage was of this 1996 comedy/drama. The collage was gawdawful I still have it on my site just to laugh at it. It was really bad. When the unrated DVD came out, I got it right away with the intent of doing a new version, but it got buried in the stack until now. Hopefully, this version is an improvement. :-)

    An FBI secretary loses her job because her estranged husband is a crook, then loses custody of her daughter to the no-good husband because she is out of work. She gets a job as a stripper to try and win her daughter back then gets involved with a slimy politician who promises to help with the daughter.

    The story is campy and often lame, but despite being just a mediocre movie, it was very successful because of a sometimes naked Demi Moore. The movie, if you are one of the three people in the world who haven't seen it, is worth watching because of Demi, but probably not for any other reason. In addition, the Unrated version does have some nice additional nudity.

    Crimson Ghost
    First up from the Ghost...

    Aussie actress and "Alias" co-star Melissa George showing off some lovely toplessness and rear nudity in scenes from the underrated sci-fi movie "Dark City".

    Next up, from the so-bad it's good horror/creature flick "Python" (2000), LoriDawn Messuri is topless in a lesbian love scene.

    Nikki Cox
    (1, 2, 3)
    Vanessa Marcil

    DeadLamb 'caps from Monday night's episode of Las Vegas. Cox shows off her always impressive cleavage, and Marcil is seen stuffing hot dogs in her mouth

    Kate Winslet
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

    The "Titanic" star bares goes topless, full frontal and bares her bum in scenes from "Iris" (2001).

    Jacqueline Bisset
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

    From the Skin-man...rare topless 'caps of the UK actress in scenes from the 1971 movie "Secrets". Crimson Ghost sent in some .wmv video clips that go nicely with these 'caps. Bisset fans should check the archives for the February 22 update.

    Pat Reeder
    Pat's comments in yellow...

    Mr. Wonderful - "Girls Gone Wild" video mogul Joseph Francis filed a defamation lawsuit against the Texas woman who accused him of rape. Francis claims they had consensual sex, he even had lunch with her and her friend the next day, and he won't "sit back and be called a rapist." He is suing for $25,000,036. That's $25 million for defamation of character and $36 for the cheeseburgers the two women ordered from Room Service for lunch.

  • $36 for two cheeseburgers? He should be suing the hotel!
  • They saw that Room Service menu and just WENT WILD!
  • So he claims it was consensual sex when the woman slept with him BEFORE she got dinner, then she had to pay for it herself?!

    The "Fiduciary Institution" Is Her Dealer - Courtney Love told Blender magazine that her financial problems are due to people close to her ripping her off. She said a "fiduciary institution" she was in business with stole $40 million, she only recently found out that her dog walker was making $100,000 a year, and that someone charged a BMW to her credit card.

  • Oops! That was her...
  • Turns out she hired the dogwalker while she was on heroin.
  • The dogwalker is paid so much because Courtney has spent $7 million buying dogs.
  • She was paid so much because it was also her job to walk Courtney around.

    Really Spacey - It was reported that Kevin Spacey was mugged in a London park Saturday morning, but he later admitted he'd made an incorrect police report. He was walking his dog when a young man with a sob story asked to use his cell phone. Spacey said he even dialed the number before handing it to the kid, who took off running. Spacey gave chase, but tripped over his dog and hit his head. He apologized for claiming he'd been mugged, but he was too embarrassed, especially since he'd played con men in the movies. He said he knows people will ask what he was doing in the park at 4:30 a.m., but "my doggy had to go!"

  • Okay, that's a lie, too...HE had to go.
  • And he likes to walk his dog at 4:30 a.m. because it's a great way to meet, uh...women.
  • Spacey would like to find that kid because he's an AMAZING actor!

    Okay, Then Lose The Shirt - Angelina Jolie has some good news for male fans: she plans to keep stripping on screen until she's 40. Britain's Daily Star quoted her as saying that she wouldn't mind doing it when she's over 40, but by then, her adopted son will be a teenager and might be uncomfortable with it. Jolie said she's not "overly shy" about nudity, and "I reveal more of myself when I'm extremely open emotionally than when I've got my shirt off."

  • She could be the greatest Barbara Walters interviewee ever.
  • By the time she's 35, the studio will already be insisting on a 20-year-old body double.
  • She would keep doing nudity over 40, but she doesn't want her son to think she's weird.

    Nice View! - Duran Duran fans got a treat at their concert last week in Wembley, England, when they played the never-before-released video for 1984's "A View To A Kill" and it turned out to feature a then-unknown Liz Hurley frolicking naked in only stockings and garters. An insider said Liz was desperate for any publicity then, and he doubts she would do that now.

  • Unless, of course, she was paid a lot more.
  • On the other hand, any actress who's pushing 40 is desperate for publicity.
  • Liz had quite a set of Duran Durans.

    Tale Of The Tape - WENN Entertainment News claims that Paris Hilton was furious she was voted only #38 on FHM's list of the 100 Sexiest Women, and is trying to think of ways to appear sexier.

  • She could eat a pizza once in awhile.
  • She could try doing porn...Oh wait: she already has.
  • I hate to see someone with her talent trying to get noticed just for sex.

    Good News For The Tenants! - The New York Daily News reports that "Apprentice" winner Bill Rancic will have no real authority in his new high-paying job. The Chicago skyscraper he's "overseeing" will actually be built by experienced construction experts answering to Donald Trump.

  • So he'll be more like Trump's son.
  • In other words, Trump couldn't find one person in the whole bunch with enough brains to be an apprentice.

    Their Brain's In A Blender - Blender magazine listed their "50 Worst Songs Ever." They left out songs like "The Macarena" and "Who Let The Dogs Out," which they say are meant to be cheesy. The list includes some classics such as "The End" and "The Sounds of Silence," which they say is like a parody of pretentious '60s folk rock. Counting down the top five: "Ice Ice Baby," "Rollin'" by Limpbizkit, Wang Chung's "Everybody Have Fun Tonight," "Achy Breaky Heart," and at #1, Starship's "We Built This City," which the editors say claims to be anti-commercial but reeks of the corporate rock commercialism that killed rock in the '80s.

  • "!"
  • How do you get to be the editor of a music magazine when you've obviously never heard "Watchin' Scotty Grow," "You're Havin' My Baby" or "Seasons in the Sun"?
  • "The Macarena" was meant to be cheesy...That's why it was the perfect theme song for Al Gore.