Bob Sagat's legendary version of The Aristocrats joke
"Totally Absurd Inventions - America's Goofiest Patents!"
Internet Explorer 7: Beta is now available for
Geena Davis impeached
That vampire running for Governor of Minnesota will have
to do so from behind bars
- I hope he didn't quit his day job. Oh, wait.
Vampires don't have day jobs.
The good news: you'll soon be able to use your cell phone
on the airplane. The bad news: I'll be sitting next to
Stephen Colbert takes totally unscripted questions from
Oprah acknowledges the existence of Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert's weekly "Tip of the Hat, Wag of the
Professional poker player Annie Duke and Stephen Colbert
talk about people's "tells."
The Daily Show:
"Bush has no doubt in his mind the wiretaps are legal. In
fact, there's no doubt in his mind, period."
- ... or much of anything else, for that matter.
The Daily Show's Ed Helms investigates legalized mooning -
a man's efficient and elegant way to convey a certain
American Idol's Randy Jackson talks to Jon Stewart about
why Simon relishes destroying people's souls.
The Weekend Warrior's box office analysis and predictions
for the upcoming weekend
- He may be right, but the numbers seem too low to me.
Last year, same weekend, the Top 12 pulled in about 88
million. Warrior says they will pull in 75 million this
year. That represents about a 15% decline. Year to date,
this year is dead even with last year.
- In the first four weeks of the year, the Top 12 have
taken in 106, 102, 94, 99 ... and he's calling for a
sudden drop to 75. Last year the last week of January
took in $104 million, and the first weekend in February
took in $88, so there is a historical drop, but 24%
seems too steep, even for Super Bowl weekend.
- Based on the trends, you'd expect this weekend to be
more like 85, not 75.
- Of course, Warrior may be right because the two new
offerings are bland and have no buzz at all. That is
often all it takes to kill a weekend.
This week's movies (2600 screens):
When a Stranger Calls - no reviews yet. (Horror movie
This week's movies (1200 screens):
Something New - 42% positive reviews (Interracial
Top 99 Most Desirable Women of 2006
"GREENSPAN SENDS MIXED SIGNALS IN FIRST DAY AT HOME
... Former Fed Chief's Inscrutable Statements Baffle Wife"
A gazillion new stills from The DaVinci code!
I swear I didn't make this up.
Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson is in talks to reprise Clint
Eastwood's role in a remake of Every Which Way But Loose.
- And maybe, just maybe, Hollywood will find time to
remake Popeye this year. Oh, please, let it be so.
It's official - Brooke Burke is engaged to the Burger
King. Is it just me, or do you guys think these are
Rocket Racing League Announces First Team.
- Wanna play? If you can't come up with $100,000,
better stick to softball
The poster for Vaughn and Aniston in The Break-Up!
ABC News and the Associated Press prepare for the Super
Bowl by pointing out that Detroit sucks.
- "Much of the rest of Detroit, though, is a landscape
dotted with burned-out buildings, where liquor stores
abound but supermarkets are hard to come by, and where
drugs, violence and unemployment are everyday
- Maybe they sent those reporters to Medellin by
Crazy stuff ...
- I once got one of those in Denmark. Couldn't piss
right for two days.
- The real story is this. My friend and I were hanging
out in a beer hall in Denmark when a couple of Danish
chicks started hitting on us. (They really do that sort
of thing.) So I dance with the one girl and she tells me
how handsome I am and how she'd like to paint me. I am
envisioning my rosy future as the world's most famous
face, my painting hanging in galleries next to the Mona
Lisa and Warhol's Marilyn. Time passes, and I get a
chance to dance with the other girl. I ask her, "Is your
friend really a painter?" She replies, "Yes, she has
painted many of the nicest barns in rural Denmark." Talk
about an ego deflation! One minute I think she wants to
capture my face for the ages, the next minute I realize
she'll probably spray me with a Wagner Power Painter.
- The end of the story gets stranger. This woman just
has to have me come home with her, and I'm getting
creeped out by her insistent tone, and I'm thinking
she's your basic psycho. My friend Svein figures out a
solution. He decides to get rid of her by telling her
that I am actually an expensive gigolo, and she can't
have sex with me unless she pays 1000 Kroner (about $150
in those days). We are completely shocked when she
agrees. She is short a few Kroner, at which point she
heads over to borrow money from her friend. While they
talk and go through their purses, Svein and I sneak out.
- Sorry, I wish the story had a better ending
involving rubber chickens and KY Jelly and corpses and
buttermilk with expired code dates, but it just doesn't.
All of that really happened as I wrote it.
"Firetruck joyride doesn't ring a bell"
- Here's a tip for you youngsters. If you're going to
try to steal a firetruck, try not to crash it into the
garage door of the fire station
- "He admits that on Sept. 9, 2005, he barreled down
the road in the bright-red, 40,000-pound ladder truck
with the fire station's garage door draped over the cab
like a blanket."
"Normally we'd say men's thongs are best left to strippers
and Peter Stringfellow. But the Chocolate Thong is a very
- “Ennis … I wuz thinkin of somethin new to bring on
our fishin trips”
- There is also a
chocothong for women.
The complete list of Oscar nominees
- I suppose the biggest surprises involved the little
engines that could, small audience pictures that picked
up some nominations. Everyone expected Hoffman to be
nominated for his performance in Capote, but very few
felt that the movie would be in the final five.
- Similarly, most people agreed that Terrence Howard
deserved a nomination for Hustle and Flow, but few
thought he would actually get one. I think the five guys
they nominated as Best Actor are the same five I would
- Biggest disappointments, as I see it: 1) no
nominations for Sin City - not even for best visual
effects (???). Rodriguez and Rourke were also shut out.
The Mickster was truly hosed, in my opinion, because
they dug up some truly uninspired nominees in the Best
Supporting Actor category. Probably only two of them
even belong there at all. Matt Dillon? Maybe they
thought they were choosing the five nominees for "Best
Supporting Actor in Crash." And even then he might not
make it! Do you think they're just paying him back for
the nomination he deserved and didn't get for his
brilliant comic performance in "There's Something About
Mary"?(2) No Best Original Screenplay nomination for
Lord of War, even though some mediocre screenplays snuck
into the nominees.
Gordo's ashes will join Scotty's in space
There is a reason to watch The Golf Channel? I have
never seen the Big Break V. In fact, I've never watched
The Golf Channel of my own volition ... but the chicks
Jessica Alba Fanatics | HQ Image Gallery
Yellow asterisk: funny (maybe). White asterisk: expanded format.
Blue asterisk: not mine. No asterisk: it probably sucks.
Nude per l'assassino (1975)
"Strip Nude for Your Killer" is a "Giallo." As a quick refresher,
the Giallo genre came about when Italian studios were looking for a
way to make sex films with some semblance of plot. They struck upon
the popular pulp thriller novels of the time as an easy source of
inspiration. Those inexpensive paperbacks were known as Gialli because
they all had yellow covers. (Giallo is the Italian word for
yellow, gialli is the plural.)
As the film begins, a woman dies of heart failure during an
abortion. Soon after, her doctor is brutally murdered, then people at
the modeling agency she worked for start dying, all slashed by someone
in a motorcycle suit and helmet.
The big news is the copious nudity, although the popular softcore
star Edwige Fenech, who was the film's greatest asset, limited her
exposure to her breasts this time.
Although this film is long on nudity, it's short on gore. While it
was considered quite shocking in 1975, this film is now rather tame.
There isn't much suspense either. Each time we begin to suspect
someone as the killer, they are killed, until there are only three
people left. Two of them, both photographers, are actively searching
for the killer, so the script doesn't leave much room for surprise at
the final unveiling. The director also telegraphs every murder with a
recurring shot of the woman who died in the opening credits,
accompanied by the sound of running water.
IMDb readers say 5.6 based on only 70 votes.
By our criteria: C-, as a barely adequate giallo.
Dann reports on The Constant Gardener:
There are lots of nice twists and
turns in this beautifully done 2005 drama/thriller based on a best seller
by John le Carre.
When the outspoken activist wife of a British embassy official in Kenya
is murdered, along with an African doctor with whom she worked, the
authorities blame first bandits, and then the doctor himself, even though
he was also a victim.
Not satisfied with the explanations that appear to be almost a
cover-up, the official embarks on a cross-continent quest to find the
truth, and soon discovers there are many people that do not want him to
learn anything, especially what his wife and the doctor were investigating
at the time of the murders.
Exciting although deliberately paced, this is a very worthwhile movie
that shows not only the dark side of Africa, but also many of its
Pat's comments in yellow...
Roll Call reports that top Democrats are angry with Howard Dean's management of
the Democratic National Committee after learning he'd raised $55 million in 2005
and ended the year with only $5.5 million. The Republicans have $34 million.
They want to know how Dean spent all that money.
* I'm pretty sure it wasn't on charm school.
Charlize Theron told Empire magazine that she often gets rejected for
action movies because "I haven't got any (boobs)," and directors can't shoot the
mandatory scenes of the female star running with her big breasts bouncing. So
it was unusual that she got cast in the recent movie,
* Which nobody saw, due to the lack of bouncing boobs.
Monday, Exxon reported a quarterly profit of $10.7 billion, pushing their profit
for the year to $36.13 billion, bigger than the economies of 125 of the 184
nations ranked by the World Bank. Exxon spokesmen hurried to say that this will
help them make investments to meet future energy demands
* For example, they can hire thousands of new lobbyists