The English Patient:

These film clips are actually done by ICMS. I have them up here in my section because I ineptly managed to delete his commentary! For the record, I do recall that he seconded Tuna's comments from the Movie House review.

  • Kristin Scott Thomas (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
  • Juliette Binoche (1, 2)


Other Crap:

Good to see Britney is still taking pride in her appearance.

First picture of Milla Jovovich as Ultraviolet

KIM JONG-IL ACQUIRES DEADLY MACY'S BALLOON ... Latest Weapon in Madman's Arsenal

  • "North Korean president Kim Jong-Il stunned the world today by announcing that he had acquired the M & M balloon from this year’s Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade and intended to add it to his deadly arsenal."

The Pack loses - and extends its amazing record. They are now 2-9, although they have outscored their opponents by 10 points!

Here's the teaser-trailer for the DisneyPixar animation, Cars

  • "Lightning McQueen, a hotshot rookie race car driven to succeed, discovers that life is about the journey, not the finish line, when he finds himself unexpectedly detoured in the sleepy Route 66 town of Radiator Springs. McQueen gets to know the town’s offbeat characters- who help him realize that there are more important things than trophies, fame and sponsorship."

Film Jerk's Early Report for November 27

  • This week's Early Report covers the 45 known new movies opening in theatres or expanding their runs between Wednesday November 30 and Wednesday December 28

President Bush (Will Ferrell) addresses the subject of global warming.

The superbowl champs drop to 6-5!

  • In any other division they would be in danger of missing the playoffs. In the AFC East, however, they could take the rest of the year off, thus finishing 6-10, and still have a good chance to make it! The rest of the teams in that division would have to pick up the pace to finish 7-9.

Those Bears can play some D!

  • They have managed to go 8-3 despite scoring fewer than 17 points per game. (In comparison, the Packers have scored 22 per game, and are 2-8, and the Rams have scored 25 per game, and are 4-6.)
  • The Bears have allowed 10.9 points per game. The record since the adoption of the 16-game schedule is 10.3, set by the Ravens in 2000. The best since the AFL/NFL merger is 9.2 by the 1977 Atlanta Falcons
  • You never heard of the 1977 Falcons? I'm not surprised, because the best defense in modern history was only good enough to get them a 7-7 record, and they had to win their last game to reach .500! Their offense finished 25th out of 28 teams. They lost one pitcher's duel 3-0 after winning 7-0 the previous week!
  • I suppose the best multi-year record belongs to the 1969-1971 Minnesota Vikings, who allowed 9.5, 10.2, and 9.9 in that stretch. They bested the current Bears three years running!

Weekend Box Office Results, November 25-27, 2005

  • There were some quirky results this week. Rent, which had a surprisingly big five million dollar opening on Wednesday, ended up with a disappointing ten million for the entire weekend. (Predictions were in the $15 million range.) Rent beat Walk the Line on Wednesday, but could muster only half of Walk the Line's gross by Sunday.
  • Speaking of Walk the Line, it had a great weekend, adding another twenty million to its total, and losing only 11% of its audience from the opening weekend.
  • Scathing reviews didn't seem to affect Yours, Mine, and Ours (94% negative reviews) or In the Mix (100% negative reviews), both of which exceeded expectations.
  • The Ice Harvest, despite the presence of Billy Bob and Cusack, could not crack the top ten!
  • Harry Potter slowed a bit, but still made it to $200 million in ten days, an achievement which has been bested by only three films in film history (Revenge of the Sith and the two Spiderman films)
  • Syriana took in an astronomical $74 thousand per screen in its test run. That is the third best of all time among films in five theaters or more, bested only by Corpse Bride and Pocahontas. The Pocahontas record - $448,000 per screen for six screens - will be difficult to beat. It is nearly six times as high as the second place finisher!!
  • The expansion of Pride and Prejudice has to be considered a success. It accumulated $5400 per screen, fourth best among the wide releases.
  • The total for the Top 12 was almost identical to the corresponding total for the 2004 Thanksgiving weekend, with the two numbers separated by less than 1%. For you half-full guys, the slight advantage went to this year, but these totals are estimates, and the razor-thin margin could disappear when the actuals come in.

Russell Crowe Joked Away the Phone Controversy, (then beat the shit out of the people who didn't laugh.)

The latest version of this gossip: "SARAH Michelle Gellar will not show her breasts and she doesn't care how much money Hollywood offers."

  • Whatever. I don't really care, but I think the previous rumor was that she was looking for a role with nudity in order to expand her marketability.




Movie Reviews:

Yellow asterisk: funny (maybe). White asterisk: expanded format. Blue asterisk: not mine. No asterisk: it probably sucks.


"The Home Front"

The Home Front (2002), aka The Scoundrel's Wife, is made by perhaps the only Cajun film maker in the world, Glen Pitre, and is a retelling of WW II oral history from his home town, Cut Off, Louisiana. Tatum O'Neal, a widow, is raising her two teenagers, Lacey Chabert and Patrick McCullough, and barely supporting them with shrimp fishing. She is universally disliked and mistrusted, and for more than just being single and attractive. The local rumor is that she and her husband had smuggled illegal Chinese into the states, and had killed several one night to avoid capture. Nothing was ever proven, but she was an outcast.

When WW II breaks out, U-Boats prey on local shipping, and a Coast Guard ensign and all around jerk, Eion Bailey, is assigned to maintain order in the town, and to find people selling fuel to the enemy. He would also like to bed Lacey Chabert. Tatum O'Neal is high on his suspect list, due to her reputation, and her interference in his seduction of her daughter. O'Neal gains an ally and a love interest when an expatriate German doctor moves in next store.

O'Neal shows breasts in a sex scene. Chabert shows most of a breast in a bath.

IMDb readers say 6.3 of 10. Ebert awarded 2 1/2 stars. The plot is the weakest part of the story, but was probably somewhat dictated by the local legend. Performances were not especially good, and many of the characters were played by locals who had never acted. On the other hand, the local color is exactly right, and the attitudes are very believable. I did not mind this movie as much as some. It opens with a great Zydeco tune, which is a good way to get me on your side, and Chabert is lovely. The bayou is not an easy place to shoot, but makes for some beautiful scenery. This is a C-. It is flawed, but still might entertain.

Lacey Chabert

Tatum O'Neal

"The Strangler's Wife"

The Strangler's Wife (2002) is a straight to vid. Sarah Huling, an incest survivor, has the perfect husband in Ciaran Crawford. He has one minor character flaw -- he strangles women with a nylon, hides the marks with a scarf, and then has safe sex with the corpse. The Boston police are shown to be idiots, not admitting that they have a serial killer on their hands. We are at first made to think that Crawfiord strangles out of sexual frustration, as Huling still has issues over the incest, but later find that it is just his idea of a good night out.

Meanwhile, Huling is trying to become more outgoing, and is taking an art class. Her security guard husband is feeling threatened by her move towards self-reliance, and fights her every inch of the way. When she begins to make female friends, his hobby comes in handy, and he starts strangling them.

There are a lot of breasts in this film, including Sarah Huling, Whitney Pinardi, Elizabeth Pfau, Gina Peluso, Nivya Frabetti and Elizabeth Cromwell.

IMDb readers say 3.8 of 10. I love the concept. Seeing the personal life of a serial killer, and the effects of child molestation on Sarah Huling could have made for a very good psychological thriller. The way the police were portrayed and the stereotypical female news reporter bothered me a little, but the biggest problem for me was that there was little or no character arc for any of the characters. We basically get to enjoy strangling after strangling, wondering when someone will loan the police or Huling a brain, until the ending. This is a C-, a good concept, but poorly executed.

Elizabeth Cromwell

Elizabeth Pfau

Gina Peluso

Nivya Frabetti

Sarah Huling

Whitney Pinardi


Today from the Ghost....former Eagles cheeleader Beverly Lynne shows off her very nice chest, as well as the occasional view of the other 2 Bs in scenes from several episodes of the series "Hollywood Sexcapades".

Beverly Lynne

Today the Time Machine goes all the way back to 1979 for "Zombie Holocaust". This flick was released in the USA under the title "Doctor Butcher, M.D." back then. This one is a gore filled mess (which I spared you).

There was only really one good thing about this movie and that was Alexandra Delli Colli seemed to enjoy taking her clothes off. That being said, she manages to reveal all and even winds up stark naked as a "Damsel in Distress" ready to be sacrificed by jungle natives. This scene was so lame that they didn't even tie her down and then she escapes but they never told you how, she just showed up in the next scene like it had never happened. Alexandra Delli Colli

A little bonus today from "Waking the Dead", with that title it could sound like just another horror flick, but off course it's not because this has Jennifer Connelly showing off her gorgeous body. Jennifer Connelly


Some paparazzi thingees for today. Everyone knows who Brooke Shields is and Nell McAndrews is known to every faithful reader of the Funhouse knows that Nell McAndrew is known for getting nekkid. But who is this Orlaith gal. Well, seems she was in Big Brother 5, UK variety and that she got good and nekkid on that show and that she keeps getting nekkid all the frikkin' time. A great idea.


Brooke Shields Nell McAndrews Orlaith McAllister




'Caps and comments by Spaz:

"Deep Sleep" (1990)
Megan Follows from Anne of Green Gables plays a nymphomaniac who has several nice scenes in a form-fitting wet night gown.

Megan Follows

"Protection" (2000)
Canadian movie not to be confused with the Stephen Baldwin thriller of the same name released the following year.

Jillian Fargey:
bra-less pokies
Jennifer Copping:
tight sweater

"Bounty Hunters" (1997)
First of the two-parter both made at the year.

Lisa Howard:
major leg and cleavage

"Final Destination" (2000)
First installment of the series with no nudity but Christine Chatelain and Lisa Marie Caruk provide some nice eye candy near the beginning. The second installment and the upcoming third installment have alot more nudity.

Christine Chatelain:
cleavage in tight sweater
Lisa Caruk:

"Degrassi: The Next Generation"
From the episode "Redemption Song"

Shenae Grimes:
PG-approved bikini shots

"Dead Like Me"
From the episode" "Sunday Mornings"

A.J. Cook:
boob and butt cleavage

"Rescue Me "
From the season II episode: "Justice" (season finale)

Andrea Roth:

From the episode "The Longest Night" (season finale). Jessica Barlow looks very sexy as obligatory stripper (although syndication abruptly cuts her following nude scene shaking her booty).

Jessica Barlow

"The L Word"
From the season 2 episode, "Lacuna" (season finale)

Mia Kirshner:
full frontal spanking her beaver
Laurel Holloman:
swollen breasts, pregnant as a guppy

From are Leah Graham and Lucie Laurier showing some skin in a recent episode of the Showtime series "Masters of Horror".

This series is actually a 13 episode collection of 1 hour horror flicks directed by a variety of famous Horror directors like John Carpenter, Tobe Hooper, Dario Argento, Joe Dante, Stuart Gordon and John Landis to name a few.

Today's skin comes from the episode "Chocolate" which was directed by series creator Mick Garris. Garris is known to genre fans as Stephen King's regular choice for director of book-to-film adaptations of King novels, including: "Sleepwalkers", "The Stand", "The Shining" (1997 version), "Riding the Bullet" and the upcoming mini-series "Desperation".

Also from LC, here is Italian actress Valeria Bruni Tedeschi looking pretty darn good in a topless scene from "Le Temps qui reste" (2005).

From Johnny Moronic, here is UK born model-turned actress Kelly Brook showing off her very lovely breasts as well as a little bit of bum in scenes from "Three" (2004). This is Brook's first on screen nudity.