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The English Patient:
These film clips are actually done by ICMS. I have them up here in
my section because I ineptly managed to delete his commentary! For the
record, I do recall that
he seconded Tuna's
comments from the Movie House review.
- Kristin Scott Thomas (1,
2,
3,
4,
5,
6)
- Juliette Binoche (1,
2)
Other Crap:
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Good to see Britney is still taking pride in her
appearance.
First picture of Milla Jovovich as Ultraviolet
KIM JONG-IL ACQUIRES DEADLY MACY'S BALLOON ... Latest
Weapon in Madman's Arsenal
- "North Korean president Kim Jong-Il stunned the
world today by announcing that he had acquired the M & M
balloon from this year’s Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade and
intended to add it to his deadly arsenal."
The Pack loses - and extends its amazing record. They
are now 2-9, although they have outscored their opponents
by 10 points!
Here's the teaser-trailer for the DisneyPixar animation,
Cars
- "Lightning McQueen, a hotshot rookie race car driven
to succeed, discovers that life is about the journey,
not the finish line, when he finds himself unexpectedly
detoured in the sleepy Route 66 town of Radiator
Springs. McQueen gets to know the town’s offbeat
characters- who help him realize that there are more
important things than trophies, fame and sponsorship."
Film Jerk's Early Report for November 27
- This week's Early Report covers the 45 known new
movies opening in theatres or expanding their runs
between Wednesday November 30 and Wednesday December 28
President Bush (Will Ferrell) addresses the subject of
global warming.
The superbowl champs drop to 6-5!
- In any other division they would be in danger of
missing the playoffs. In the AFC East, however, they
could take the rest of the year off, thus finishing
6-10, and still have a good chance to make it! The rest
of the teams in that division would have to pick up the
pace to finish 7-9.
Those Bears can play some D!
- They have managed to go 8-3 despite scoring fewer
than 17 points per game. (In comparison, the Packers
have scored 22 per game, and are 2-8, and the Rams have
scored 25 per game, and are 4-6.)
- The Bears have allowed 10.9 points per game. The
record since the adoption of the 16-game schedule is
10.3, set by the Ravens in 2000. The best since the
AFL/NFL merger is 9.2 by the 1977 Atlanta Falcons
- You never heard of the 1977 Falcons? I'm not
surprised, because the best defense in modern history
was only good enough to get them a 7-7 record, and they
had to win their last game to reach .500! Their offense
finished 25th out of 28 teams. They lost one pitcher's
duel 3-0 after winning 7-0 the previous week!
- I suppose the best multi-year record belongs to the
1969-1971 Minnesota Vikings, who allowed 9.5, 10.2, and
9.9 in that stretch. They bested the current Bears three
years running!
Weekend Box Office Results, November 25-27, 2005
- There were some quirky results this week. Rent,
which had a surprisingly big five million dollar opening
on Wednesday, ended up with a disappointing ten million
for the entire weekend. (Predictions were in the $15
million range.) Rent beat Walk the Line on Wednesday,
but could muster only half of Walk the Line's gross by
Sunday.
- Speaking of Walk the Line, it had a great weekend,
adding another twenty million to its total, and losing
only 11% of its audience from the opening weekend.
- Scathing reviews didn't seem to affect Yours, Mine,
and Ours (94% negative reviews) or In the Mix (100%
negative reviews), both of which exceeded expectations.
- The Ice Harvest, despite the presence of Billy Bob
and Cusack, could not crack the top ten!
- Harry Potter slowed a bit, but still made it to $200
million in ten days, an achievement which has been
bested by only three films in film history (Revenge of
the Sith and the two Spiderman films)
- Syriana took in an astronomical $74 thousand per
screen in its test run. That is the third best of all
time among films in five theaters or more, bested only
by Corpse Bride and Pocahontas. The Pocahontas record -
$448,000 per screen for six screens - will be difficult
to beat. It is nearly six times as high as the second
place finisher!!
- The expansion of Pride and Prejudice has to be
considered a success. It accumulated $5400 per screen,
fourth best among the wide releases.
- The total for the Top 12 was almost identical to the
corresponding total for the 2004 Thanksgiving weekend,
with the two numbers separated by less than 1%. For you
half-full guys, the slight advantage went to this year,
but these totals are estimates, and the razor-thin
margin could disappear when the actuals come in.
Russell Crowe Joked Away the Phone Controversy, (then
beat the shit out of the people who didn't laugh.)
The latest version of this gossip:
"SARAH Michelle Gellar will not show her breasts and she
doesn't care how much money Hollywood offers."
- Whatever. I don't really care, but I think the
previous rumor was that she was looking for a role with
nudity in order to expand her marketability.
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Movie Reviews:
Yellow asterisk: funny (maybe). White asterisk: expanded format.
Blue asterisk: not mine. No asterisk: it probably sucks.
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"The Home Front"
The Home Front (2002), aka The Scoundrel's Wife, is made by perhaps the only Cajun film maker in the world, Glen Pitre, and is a retelling of WW II oral history from his home town, Cut Off, Louisiana. Tatum O'Neal, a widow, is raising her two teenagers, Lacey Chabert and Patrick McCullough, and barely supporting them with shrimp fishing. She is universally disliked and mistrusted, and for more than just being single and attractive. The local rumor is that she and her husband had smuggled illegal Chinese into the states, and had killed several one night to avoid capture. Nothing was ever proven, but she was an outcast.
When WW II breaks out, U-Boats prey on local shipping, and a Coast Guard ensign and all around jerk, Eion Bailey, is assigned to maintain order in the town, and to find people selling fuel to the enemy. He would also like to bed Lacey Chabert. Tatum O'Neal is high on his suspect list, due to her reputation, and her interference in his seduction of her daughter. O'Neal gains an ally and a love interest when an expatriate German doctor moves in next store.
O'Neal shows breasts in a sex scene. Chabert shows most of a breast in a bath.
IMDb readers say 6.3 of 10. Ebert awarded 2 1/2 stars. The plot is the weakest part of the story, but was probably somewhat dictated by the local legend. Performances were not especially good, and many of the characters were played by locals who had never acted. On the other hand, the local color is exactly right, and the attitudes are very believable. I did not mind this movie as much as some. It opens with a great Zydeco tune, which is a good way to get me on your side, and Chabert is lovely. The bayou is not an easy place to shoot, but makes for some beautiful scenery. This is a C-. It is flawed, but still might entertain.
"The Strangler's Wife"
The Strangler's Wife (2002) is a straight to vid. Sarah Huling, an incest survivor, has the perfect husband in Ciaran Crawford. He has one minor character flaw -- he strangles women with a nylon, hides the marks with a scarf, and then has safe sex with the corpse. The Boston police are shown to be idiots, not admitting that they have a serial killer on their hands. We are at first made to think that Crawfiord strangles out of sexual frustration, as Huling still has issues over the incest, but later find that it is just his idea of a good night out.
Meanwhile, Huling is trying to become more outgoing, and is taking an art class. Her security guard husband is feeling threatened by her move towards self-reliance, and fights her every inch of the way. When she begins to make female friends, his hobby comes in handy, and he starts strangling them.
There are a lot of breasts in this film, including Sarah Huling, Whitney Pinardi, Elizabeth Pfau, Gina Peluso, Nivya Frabetti and Elizabeth Cromwell.
IMDb readers say 3.8 of 10. I love the concept. Seeing the personal life of a serial killer, and the effects of child molestation on Sarah Huling could have made for a very good psychological thriller. The way the police were portrayed and the stereotypical female news reporter bothered me a little, but the biggest problem for me was that there was little or no character arc for any of the characters. We basically get to enjoy strangling after strangling, wondering when someone will loan the police or Huling a brain, until the ending. This is a C-, a good concept, but poorly executed.
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Scoops-
Some paparazzi thingees for today. Everyone knows who Brooke Shields is and Nell McAndrews is known to every
faithful reader of the Funhouse knows that Nell McAndrew is known for getting nekkid. But who is this Orlaith gal. Well, seems she was in Big Brother 5, UK variety and that she got good and nekkid on that show and that she keeps getting nekkid all the frikkin' time. A great idea.
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| Brooke Shields |
Nell McAndrews |
Orlaith McAllister |
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'Caps and comments by Spaz:
"Deep Sleep" (1990)
Megan Follows from Anne of Green Gables plays a nymphomaniac who has several nice scenes in a form-fitting wet night gown.
"Protection" (2000)
Canadian movie not to be confused with the Stephen Baldwin thriller of the same name released the following year.
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Jillian Fargey:
bra-less pokies |
Jennifer Copping:
tight sweater |
"Bounty Hunters" (1997)
First of the two-parter both made at the year.
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Lisa Howard:
major leg and cleavage |
"Final Destination" (2000)
First installment of the series with no nudity but Christine Chatelain and Lisa Marie Caruk provide some nice eye candy near the beginning. The second installment and the upcoming third installment have alot more nudity.
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Christine Chatelain:
cleavage in tight sweater |
Lisa Caruk:
ditto |
"Degrassi: The Next Generation"
From the episode "Redemption Song"
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Shenae Grimes:
PG-approved bikini shots |
"Dead Like Me"
From the episode" "Sunday Mornings"
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A.J. Cook:
boob and butt cleavage |
"Rescue Me "
From the season II episode: "Justice" (season finale)
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Andrea Roth:
cleavage |
"ReGenesis"
From the episode "The Longest Night" (season finale). Jessica Barlow looks very sexy as obligatory stripper (although syndication abruptly cuts her following nude scene shaking her booty).
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| Jessica Barlow |
"The L Word"
From the season 2 episode, "Lacuna" (season finale)
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Mia Kirshner:
full frontal spanking her beaver |
Laurel Holloman:
swollen breasts, pregnant as a guppy |
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From LC...here are Leah Graham and Lucie Laurier showing some skin in a recent episode of the Showtime series "Masters of Horror".
This series is actually a 13 episode collection of 1 hour horror flicks directed by a variety of famous Horror directors like John Carpenter, Tobe Hooper, Dario Argento, Joe Dante, Stuart Gordon and John Landis to name a few.
Today's skin comes from the episode "Chocolate" which was directed by series creator Mick Garris. Garris is known to genre fans as Stephen King's regular choice for director of book-to-film adaptations of King novels, including: "Sleepwalkers", "The Stand", "The Shining" (1997 version), "Riding the Bullet" and the upcoming mini-series "Desperation".
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Also from LC, here is Italian actress Valeria Bruni Tedeschi looking pretty darn good in a topless scene from "Le Temps qui reste" (2005).
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From Johnny Moronic, here is UK born model-turned actress Kelly Brook showing off her very lovely breasts as well as a little bit of bum in scenes from "Three" (2004). This is Brook's first on screen nudity.
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