The Intended (2002)

A poor couple from the north of England arrives at a Malay jungle station in 1924, he to engineer a road through the jungle, she (co-author Janet McTeer) to accompany him. She is significantly older than her partner, and they seem to be running away from some uncomfortable situation back home, but their history is not explicitly presented. The newcomers realize that it is not just they who have come to the jungle to escape. The white people who live at the post, headed by the penurious widow who runs the operation, are a close-knit collection of bizarre and eccentric characters, and they do not make it especially comfortable for the outsiders to get adjusted.

Living and working conditions at the jungle outpost are quite different from what the newcomers had expected. Their salary is not to be paid until their assignment has been completed, in contradiction to what they were told in England. Their living quarters are infested with insects and their putative bedroom is an open area separated by a flimsy curtain from the priest's room. It would be difficult enough for the couple to have a sex life with a priest a few feet away, but they have other problems of their own. She seems to be sexually frigid, and has never had an orgasm in her life. As if the entire situation were not comfortable enough, she is required to sit around the station for months at a time with nothing to do whilst he makes his road-building excursions into the jungle.

Given that she is the only sexually desirable woman in the camp, her presence, coupled with her fiancé's absence, triggers various passions among the local menfolk, particularly the station manager's odd son, who is 40ish but still has a unusually close relationship with his elderly nanny. I mean really close. I mean that the nanny gives him regular sexual relief. This is quite a sight to see, given that he's a fat guy with rotting teeth, and the nanny is Olympia Dukakis. As you might well imagine, a guy who has been stuck in the jungle with his domineering mother, and whose only sexual outlet is Olympia Dukakis, finds himself very interested when Janet McTeer is walking around the camp with her DDD chest barely covered. Mischief ensues.

The script takes a page from the classic French film Going Places in that the formerly frigid woman manages to get her rocks off when manipulated into sex with the fat, ugly guy! This is an experience which confuses and shames her. The fat guy, however, is delighted to find that sex can be better than a hand-job from Olympia Dukakis.

You'd think all of that would be enough of a premise to carry a movie, as it was (more or less) for The Night of the Iguana. You might think that, but in this case, you would be wrong. The movie sets all of that up, then moves its focus elsewhere - to a noir sub-plot about a greedy struggle between the powerful widow, her nephew, her son, and even the priest, all of whom are maneuvering to get enough of the ivory money to get the hell out of hell and back to civilization. The weepy melodrama eventually leads to so much greed, murder, suicide, deceit and torture that you'd think their company must be Halliburton and their jungle must actually be Dick Cheney's undisclosed location.

Notes on the DVD:

It's not that good a script to begin with. Add to that the fact that the cinematography is lackluster, shot on DV and harshly lit. Then top off those two negatives with a terrible DVD transfer - not only poorly done, but censored!! First of all, it presents a perfunctory pan-n-scan full screen version of the film, with faces and other important information cut off at the sides. (There is also a trailer on the disc, which is presented in a widescreen aspect ratio, and which looks much better. Even the flesh tones are better on the trailer than in the film proper, which is too yellow.)

Not only is the film butchered in terms of photographic composition, but the DVD has been heavily censored. The original film is a treasure-trove of Janet McTeer nudity, every frame of which has been snipped for the DVD! (Although male nudity has been retained.)

That is a shame, because the disk also includes about an hour's worth of in-depth interviews with the cast and the director, all of which is wasted because of the butchered and censored transfer of the film they are discussing so earnestly.

These caps are not from the DVD, which has no female nudity at all! One of our readers was kind enough to make these captures from a broadcast on Canadian TV.

Janet McTeer


Other Crap:

Can you shatter glass with your voice?
  • "Taken from the TV show 'Mythbusters', this shows some dude bust up a glass with his voice in extreme slo-mo. If you watch it in full-screen you can see the shards vibrate."

Jackie Chan and Danny DeVito - together at last.

Students get field experience with moose

  • "High School students butchered a moose carcass during an educational hunt." (with picture!)
  • My suburban prep school never really had any field trips like this. We went to museums and saw how the Iroquois built their lodges. Our biggest excitement - one time, on the way to the museum, we saw a black guy! Although at the time we didn't know what he was.

"Today's cellular carriers will be tomorrow's next-generation broadband providers"

New Scientist: 13 things that do not make sense

Is this Rembrandt a real one? Will computers replace art historians?

More pics of Milla as Ultraviolet

Was the melody of "The Star Spangled Banner" taken from an old drinking song?

  • If they could sing that, they must have been much better in those days at singing while drunk. Today's drunks have trouble with "100 bottles of beer on the wall."

Film Jerk's Early Report for January 2

  • "This week's Early Report covers the 45 known new movies opening in theatres or expanding their runs between Friday January 6 and Friday February 3"

The lucrative business of trading Jellyfish this season is not allowed by General Myint

  • Damn you, General "Spear" Myint! Whey can't you just invent a delicious jellyfish recipe, following in the good food tradition of your colleagues, General Tso and General Mills?
  • Then we could wash it all down with your trademark drink, a scrumptious Myint Julep!

Tracking Alaska's Duck Fart

Balla Powder: Scented Scrotum Talc for Men

This is a real headline: "Successful spurt leaves Hard Gay with limp bottom line"

The trailers and four clips from On a Clear Day

  • "Frank determines to salvage his self-esteem and tackle his demons by attempting the ultimate test of endurance - swimming the English Channel."

'Beer, booze, music, babes' - the Rollergirls

  • My home town of Austin, Texas is now home to the Lonestar Rollergirls league, the latest reincarnation of Roller Derby. I regret to say that I have not yet made my way out for a match, or a chukker, or whatever they call it. I've heard it's really fun because the crowd goes nuts.
  • One of the teams is called Las Putas del Fuego. (The blazing hookers.) Their team members include Holly Penyo, Lotta Dinero, and Venus Envy. Venus proudly wears number 9.5"
  • Here is the league home page

Weekend Box Office Results, December 30, 2005 - January 2, 2006

  • These are four-day results, not three.
  • With no new films this week, every carryover performed pretty much as expected.

Awful is the new awesome - The worst films of 2005 you should totally see anyway"

Carrot Top - not funny, but ripped!

  • I haven't seen Joe Piscopo lately but, given Piscopo's age, I'm willing to guess that Mr. Top is now the most muscular bad comedian in America

Scarlett Johansson and Josh Hartnett are living together

  • "The 'Match Point' hottie is so serious with boyfriend Josh Hartnett that she has moved into his Manhattan apartment."

How they created the roller coaster in Final Destination 3

Cowboys lose, draw the short straw.

  • The Chiefs finish the year as the best team NOT to make the playoffs, the only 10-6 team left peeking through the knothole
  • The Houston Texans were the only 2-14 team, thus "winning" the Reggie Bush lottery. They somehow managed to blow a lead against the 49ers, in approximately the same way I always used to finish second in the Aztec games in my earlier incarnation. *
  • Da Bearz got very lucky. They drew a first round bye with the second seed in the NFC, even though their record was only 11-5

* I was an Aztec Warrior in an earlier life. As you may know, the winners of the annual Aztec Games got their hearts cut out, because only the finest specimens were considered worthy sacrifices to the gods. Although I always won in practice heats, I set the record of finishing second in The Games for 22 consecutive years, consistently disappointing the people who bet on me. One year I blew a 50 yard lead when I pulled up lame near the tape in the 100 yard dash. I told the reporter for the Aztec Times, "I'm disappointed, but I'm just going to have to train harder so I can get my heart cut out next year."

"Six German airline passengers who said they were being held against their will on an aircraft stuck on the runway for hours during a snowstorm have filed 'false imprisonment' charges"

  • Somebody give them my cell phone number in case they get stuck on the runway again. My airline would have taken off. That's my latest acquisition, Buddy Holly Airways. Toll-free, just call 1-800-DEATH, and ask for my pilot "Cap'n Bucky."

Doug Flutie hits the NFL's 1st drop kick Since 1941

  • Coincidentally, he also kicked the previous one.
  • Flutie was both elated and saddened this weekend: elated by the thrilling drop kick; saddened by the loss of his college roommate Joseph "Blue" Pulaski.

CNN - Best of the Internet 2005

The notmensa online IQ test for dummies.

Cheney Diary: "If You've Never Tortured, You Don't Know How Much Fun It Is."



Movie Reviews:

Yellow asterisk: funny (maybe). White asterisk: expanded format. Blue asterisk: not mine. No asterisk: it probably sucks.




Beyond the Valley of the Dolls (1970)

This is the legendary Russ Meyer film written by Roger Ebert -  the one accomplishment he would most like to forget.  It is not available on Region 1 DVD, but I located a Belgian copy.

Yes, it is every bit as bad as it is purported to be. The photography is technically sound, demonstrating Meyer's beginnings as an army photographer, but there are major problems elsewhere. For one thing, the dialogue is the most flowery, stilted and unnatural I have ever heard. The other main problem is the plot - every silly minute of it. The story starts out conventionally. A three-girl rock band and their manager come to Hollywood to "make it big." They meet the right people, and land a big recording contract, but then run into sex, drugs and sleazebags. This version of Hollywood is populated by a collection of misfits, mostly bisexual, who seem to do nothing but have sex and take drugs. In the last third of the film, the plot finally starts moving, with the strangest series of events ever strung together on celluloid. These plot twists, as well as much of Ebert's dialogue, made me laugh out loud.

The film does have a very high nipple count, as you would expect from Meyer, who was the epitome of the "tit man," but that count might have been much higher. The film was after an R rating, but got saddled with an X, probably because Russ Meyer directed it.  According to Roger Ebert, there was a good deal of harder X footage that Meyer wanted to include after the MPAA gave them the X anyway, but the studio didn't want any further delays before getting it into the theaters.

The film now has a cult following, and deservedly so. This is one of the most entertaining bad movies ever made!

C+ on our scale. (Bad movie genre.) IMDb readers say 5.5.

The nudity includes breasts from Angel Ray as a girl in a hot tub, Dolly Read as the main character, Marcia McBroom as another girl in the band, Susan Reed as a fashion model, and several uncredited women.


Angel Ray
Dolly Read
Marcia McBroom
Susan Reed


The Last Tattoo (1994)

The Last Tattoo (1994) is a noir thriller set in New Zealand during WW II, when most of the young local men were away at the front and the nation was filled with American GIs who socialized with the local girls, a situation which often caused resentment. The film opens with a local girl (Katie Wolfe) getting a tattoo while her fiancé, a young American soldier, encourages her. As the couple leaves the tattoo parlor, they are accosted by a very unpleasant hood. The creep slaps the woman around but she manages to escape while the hood is in the process of killing the soldier. At that point, everyone wants to find her, including the mob.

A young Marine Captain, investigating the fiancé's murder, knows of the relationship of the deceased with the girl, and cleverly reports the missing girl as a VD contact to force an uncooperative local nurse (Kerry Fox) to help in the search, since the nurse's job is to to track down suspected VD carriers and cure them. To add to the urgency, this particular strain of the clap is not treatable by current methods, although a new experimental drug called penicillin may hold the answer.

It turns out that this one murder is just the tip of an iceberg which consists of an elaborate prostitution and black market operation profiting from stolen American supplies. The solution to the mystery managed to catch me by surprise, which is a very good thing.

The film is reminiscent of WW II thrillers in mood and photography, and it ends with the hero sailing back to the front, hopefully to victory, much like those films.

This is a C as a competent noir thriller. IMDb readers say 5.3, and it won some New Zealand acting awards.

Kerry Fox shows her breasts in the inevitable sex scene with the young Marine Captain, and Katie Wolfe shows one breast in a B&W blackmail photo.

Kerry Fox
Katie Wolfe


Survivors Exposed (2001)

Survivors Exposed (2001) supposedly takes place on the island of Butta Cheeka. Six female contestants are vying for a $1,000,000.00 prize. They face terrible obstacles, including a horny host, a shit throwing gorilla, and viscous stuffed animals. Eventually, they vote the host off of the island, then celebrate with a nude romp on the beach.

Tonight we have the group full frontal and rear nudity series, as well as Julie K. Smith, Shauna O'Brien and Tess Broussard.

Having never seen the TV show this is a parody of, I can't comment on it as parody. I can say that the photography, for the most part, was not good, the acting was abysmal, and the story infantile. On the other hand, it is difficult to argue with twelve hard nipples. C-.

Julie K Smith
Shauna O'Brien
Tess Broussard






Juliet Beres in "Hotel Erotica"

Kim Dawson in "Bedtime Stories"




Well, here's my submission of images which will be done by just about every imager.

Brittany Daniel in Rampage

The movie was very hard to watch. The camera work was just awful, constantly going around in circles, lots of blurring, doubling the image. Obviously an attempt to recreate a drug-induced kind of state, but really just distracting from what would otherwise have been a mediocre movie. Plus having Brittany shove a cancer stick into her face in every scene didn't do much for me. As you can see in the second image, Brittany was wearing a modesty patch, so it's very unlikely anyone is going to find a frame of any lower frontal nudity ... too bad.





Dann reports on Vlad:

In 1982, prior to their Oscar-winning performances, Jack Palance and Martin Landau play escapees from a maximum-security mental institution in this crime/horror/thriller.

A group of men escape bent on revenge against the psychiatrists who have for years tortured them trying out bizarre theories of criminal insanity. This results in an assault-styled siege on the doctor's home during a blackout. Along the way, several die including Bunky, a baby sitter played by Carol Levy.

Lots of excitement in this one, and while the acting sometimes comes across a little lame and dated, it still provides an entertaining 92 minutes.

Carol Levy


Hollywood Sins (2000) is the illegitimate child of an episode of Knots Landing or Dallas or Dynasty (especially Dynasty) and any of 500 hundred erotic dramas that occupy the airwaves of cable television. In its 90 minutes are about 52 minutes of plot and intrigue and betrayal so overwrought it is comical. Just like Knots Landing or Dallas or Dynasty.  The other 38 minutes...or so it seemed...are taken up with muff diving and sport humping.  So much skin is exposed in this movie you'd think it would get sorta boring but the director and the director of photography and editor knew what they were doing; and the result is more than a little entertaining.  I have wasted lots to time watching some lousy movies but for most of the 90 minutes spent watching Hollywood Sins I was amused. 

In the past couple of days we have seen Mia Zottoli, Kim Dawson, Dee Summers and Tess Broussard all give up major goodies.  The last two gals to strip and mingle are former pornstar Tracy Smith (aka Tracy Ryan, whose nom de porn was Avalon) and a very interesting redhead, Victoria Karina.  Tracy has two scenes with the same guy, one dressed partially and briefly as a bride in white.  The idea of a former pornstar dressed for a white wedding was too ironic to pass up, so I capped the daylights out of that scene.  Plus, Tracy is one beautiful, wholesome-looking woman, despite her chosen profession.  So the pleasure was all mine in putting together nine collages of stuff.

Victoria plays a mythical creature--a pretty lesbian with a heart of gold who likes men and doesn't mind it when they come onto her.  Yep, mythical, but oft-seen in movies of one sort.  Like this one.  She is two scenes.  In one she baths real good, especially in and around the nether regions.  And in the other she and Dee Summers take turns diving for the elusive muff. Victoria's body is slim and rock hard.  Terrific posterior on that gal but unfortunately the hooters
are not carbon-based life forms.  At least they are not rectangular, like Tess Broussard's. 

So okay what you have here is a soft-core that exposes acres of flesh in the context of a story with a TV-quality plot and better than expected performances at each of the skill positions (acting directing and editing).  Well worth a look-see, if ever you get the chance. 


Tracy Smith


Victoria Karina







Today a journey off to "Really Terrible Movie Land," where we find SpeedWay AKA The Last Road. Bad acting - but the nudity will redeem it.


The Star is Julie Strain, a little different role for her a she plays a nice girl. The good part is she reveals all three B's.

Also onboard is Petra Verkaik, December 1989 Playmate of the month.  Awesome hooters.





Today we'll uncover two lesser known but not lesser nekkid French actresses in 8 clips.
Our first participant today is blond Katia Tchenko  (1, 2, 3, 4, 5) in La stanza del vescovo (1977; The Bishop's Room), a film directed by Dino Risi and starring Ornella Muti, Ugo Tognazzi and Patrick Dewaere. While Ornella doesn't show anything, Katia reveals all 3 B's along with an unknown actress in these four clips. All the outdoor action in this movie takes place in or near the beautiful but tiny Borromean Islands in the Lago Maggiore in Italy. As far as I know this film is not available on DVD.
Que la fête commence (1974; Let Joy Reign Supreme) is an 18th century French costume drama directed by Bertrand Tavernier. It was also the screen debut of actress/director Christine Pascal (1, 2, 3). There's a whole bunch of more or less naked women in these three clips. Christine makes her entrance in clip #2. She is the frail dark-haired girl who is completely naked. This film is available on DVD, not only in France but also as a region 1 disk.




Felicity Huffman in an old episode of Bedtime Stories  
Lucie Laurier in Masters of Horror  
Natalie Appleton topless on the beach  
Lucy Clarkson wandering around Majorca naked  
Nell McAndrew, also wandering around Majorca naked  
And now for something completely different: Celine Dion in a bikini.  
Anna Friel caught by paparazzi, and oldie but goodie  
Jordan (Katie Price) misbehaves in public  
Lindsay Lohan caught by paparazzi in a bikini - she seems to be getting back up to a normal weight  
Rachel Stevens with a wedgie  
Julianne Nicholson in Her Name is Carla  

Pat's comments in yellow...

For some reason, the Bush administration wants Anna Nicole Smith to be rich.  Bush solicitor general Paul Clement has asked for 10 minutes to speak on Smith's behalf during oral arguments of her Supreme Court appeal to get part of her late elderly husband's estate.  Her lawyers said, "It can't help but give credibility to our position."

*  It's the next best thing to having a Supreme Court full of elderly men!  Which we just about do! 

* Seven of the nine Justices are men: let Anna Nicole handle the oral portion, and she'll win. 

A Manhattan federal judge sided with Sylvester Stallone in a trademark lawsuit, allowing him to keep the name "Sly" for his mature men's fitness magazine, even though it was already being used by a foot-fetish magazine. Unfortunately, Stallone's magazine, whose motto was "Life begins at 40," is already going out of publication after just four issues.

*  The judge gave the foot fetish magazine publisher the boot...and he LIKED it!

Buckingham Palace announced that Tom Jones will
receive a knighthood from Queen Elizabeth

* It's in recognition of him being the greatest swordsman in all of Britain.