The Intended (2002)
A poor couple from the north of England arrives at a Malay jungle
station in 1924, he to engineer a road through the jungle, she
(co-author Janet McTeer) to accompany him. She is significantly older
than her partner, and they seem to be running away from some
uncomfortable situation back home, but their history is not explicitly
presented. The newcomers realize that it is not just they who have
come to the jungle to escape. The white people who live at the post,
headed by the penurious widow who runs the operation, are a close-knit
collection of bizarre and eccentric characters, and they do not make
it especially comfortable for the outsiders to get adjusted.
Living and working conditions at the jungle outpost are quite
different from what the newcomers had expected. Their salary is not to
be paid until their assignment has been completed, in contradiction to
what they were told in England. Their living quarters are infested
with insects and their putative bedroom is an open area separated by a
flimsy curtain from the priest's room. It would
be difficult enough for the couple to have a sex life with a priest a
few feet away, but they have other problems of their own. She seems to
be sexually frigid, and has never had an orgasm in her life. As if the
entire situation were not comfortable enough, she is required to sit
around the station for months at a time with nothing to do whilst he
makes his road-building excursions into the jungle.
Given that she is the only sexually desirable
woman in the camp, her presence, coupled with her fiancé's absence,
triggers various passions among the local menfolk, particularly the
station manager's odd son, who is 40ish but still has a unusually
close relationship with his elderly nanny. I mean really close. I mean
that the nanny gives him regular sexual relief. This is quite a sight
to see, given that he's a fat guy with rotting teeth, and the nanny is
Olympia Dukakis. As you might well imagine, a guy who has been stuck
in the jungle with his domineering mother, and whose only sexual
outlet is Olympia Dukakis, finds himself very interested when Janet
McTeer is walking around the camp with her DDD chest barely covered.
The script takes a page
from the classic French film Going Places in that the formerly frigid
woman manages to get her rocks off when manipulated into sex with the
fat, ugly guy! This is an experience which confuses and shames her.
The fat guy, however, is delighted to find that sex can be better than
a hand-job from Olympia Dukakis.
think all of that would be enough of a premise to carry a movie, as it
was (more or less) for The Night of the Iguana. You might think that,
but in this case, you would be wrong. The movie sets all of that up,
then moves its focus elsewhere - to a noir sub-plot about a greedy
struggle between the powerful widow, her nephew, her son, and even the
priest, all of whom are maneuvering to get enough of the ivory money
to get the hell out of hell and back to civilization. The weepy
melodrama eventually leads to so much greed, murder, suicide, deceit
and torture that you'd think their company must be Halliburton and
their jungle must actually be Dick Cheney's undisclosed location.
Notes on the DVD:
It's not that good a script to begin with. Add to that the fact that
the cinematography is lackluster, shot on DV and
harshly lit. Then top off those two negatives with a terrible DVD
transfer - not only poorly done, but censored!! First of all, it
presents a perfunctory pan-n-scan full screen version of the film,
with faces and other important information cut off at the sides.
(There is also a trailer on the disc, which is presented in a
widescreen aspect ratio, and which looks much better. Even the flesh
tones are better on the trailer than in the film proper, which is too
Not only is the film butchered in terms of
photographic composition, but the DVD has been heavily censored. The original
film is a treasure-trove of Janet McTeer nudity, every frame of which
has been snipped for the DVD! (Although male nudity has been
That is a shame, because the
disk also includes about an hour's worth of in-depth interviews with
the cast and the director, all of which is wasted because of the
butchered and censored transfer of the film they are discussing so
These caps are not from the DVD, which has no female nudity at all!
One of our readers was kind enough to make these captures from a
broadcast on Canadian TV.
Can you shatter glass with your voice?
- "Taken from the TV show 'Mythbusters', this shows
some dude bust up a glass with his voice in extreme slo-mo.
If you watch it in full-screen you can see the shards
Jackie Chan and Danny DeVito - together at last.
Students get field experience with moose
- "High School students butchered a moose carcass
during an educational hunt." (with picture!)
- My suburban prep school never really had any field
trips like this. We went to museums and saw how the
Iroquois built their lodges. Our biggest excitement -
one time, on the way to the museum, we saw a black guy!
Although at the time we didn't know what he was.
"Today's cellular carriers will be tomorrow's
next-generation broadband providers"
New Scientist: 13 things that do not make sense
Is this Rembrandt a real one? Will computers replace art
More pics of Milla as Ultraviolet
Was the melody of "The Star Spangled Banner" taken from an
old drinking song?
- If they could sing that, they must have been much
better in those days at singing while drunk. Today's
drunks have trouble with "100 bottles of beer on the
Film Jerk's Early Report for January 2
- "This week's Early Report covers the 45 known new
movies opening in theatres or expanding their runs
between Friday January 6 and Friday February 3"
The lucrative business of trading Jellyfish this season is
not allowed by General Myint
- Damn you, General "Spear" Myint! Whey can't you just
invent a delicious jellyfish recipe, following in the
good food tradition of your colleagues, General Tso and
- Then we could wash it all down with your trademark
drink, a scrumptious Myint Julep!
Tracking Alaska's Duck Fart
Balla Powder: Scented Scrotum Talc for Men
This is a real headline:
"Successful spurt leaves Hard Gay with limp bottom line"
The trailers and four clips from On a Clear Day
- "Frank determines to salvage his self-esteem and
tackle his demons by attempting the ultimate test of
endurance - swimming the English Channel."
'Beer, booze, music, babes' - the Rollergirls
- My home town of Austin, Texas is now home to the
Lonestar Rollergirls league, the latest reincarnation of
Roller Derby. I regret to say that I have not yet made
my way out for a match, or a chukker, or whatever they
call it. I've heard it's really fun because the crowd
- One of the teams is called Las Putas del Fuego. (The
blazing hookers.) Their team members include Holly Penyo,
Lotta Dinero, and Venus Envy. Venus proudly wears number
Here is the league home page
Weekend Box Office Results, December 30, 2005 - January 2,
- These are four-day results, not three.
- With no new films this week, every carryover
performed pretty much as expected.
Awful is the new awesome - The worst films of 2005 you
should totally see anyway"
Carrot Top - not funny, but ripped!
- I haven't seen Joe Piscopo lately but, given
Piscopo's age, I'm willing to guess that Mr. Top is now
the most muscular bad comedian in America
Scarlett Johansson and Josh Hartnett are living together
- "The 'Match Point' hottie is so serious with
boyfriend Josh Hartnett that she has moved into his
How they created the roller coaster in Final Destination 3
Cowboys lose, draw the short straw.
- The Chiefs finish the year as the best team NOT to
make the playoffs, the only 10-6 team left peeking
through the knothole
- The Houston Texans were the only 2-14 team, thus
"winning" the Reggie Bush lottery. They somehow managed
to blow a lead against the 49ers, in approximately the
same way I always used to finish second in the Aztec
games in my earlier incarnation. *
- Da Bearz got very lucky. They drew a first round bye
with the second seed in the NFC, even though their
record was only 11-5
* I was an Aztec Warrior in an earlier life. As you
may know, the winners of the annual Aztec Games got
their hearts cut out, because only the finest
specimens were considered worthy sacrifices to the
gods. Although I always won in practice heats, I set
the record of finishing second in The Games for 22
consecutive years, consistently disappointing the
people who bet on me. One year I blew a 50 yard lead
when I pulled up lame near the tape in the 100 yard
dash. I told the reporter for the Aztec Times, "I'm
disappointed, but I'm just going to have to train
harder so I can get my heart cut out next year."
"Six German airline passengers who said they were being
held against their will on an aircraft stuck on the runway
for hours during a snowstorm have filed 'false
- Somebody give them my cell phone number in case they
get stuck on the runway again. My airline would have
taken off. That's my latest acquisition, Buddy Holly
Airways. Toll-free, just call 1-800-DEATH, and ask for
my pilot "Cap'n Bucky."
Doug Flutie hits the NFL's 1st drop kick Since 1941
- Coincidentally, he also kicked the previous one.
- Flutie was both elated and saddened this weekend:
elated by the thrilling drop kick; saddened by the loss
of his college roommate Joseph "Blue" Pulaski.
CNN - Best of the Internet 2005
The notmensa online IQ test for dummies.
Cheney Diary: "If You've Never Tortured, You Don't Know
How Much Fun It Is."
Yellow asterisk: funny (maybe). White asterisk: expanded format.
Blue asterisk: not mine. No asterisk: it probably sucks.
Beyond the Valley of the Dolls (1970)
This is the legendary Russ Meyer film written by Roger Ebert - the
one accomplishment he would most like to forget. It is not available on
Region 1 DVD, but I located a Belgian copy.
Yes, it is every bit as bad as it is purported to be. The photography is
technically sound, demonstrating Meyer's beginnings as an army photographer, but there are major
problems elsewhere. For one thing, the dialogue is the most flowery, stilted
and unnatural I have ever heard. The other main problem is the plot - every
silly minute of it. The story starts out conventionally. A three-girl rock
band and their manager come to Hollywood to "make it big." They meet the right
people, and land a big recording contract, but then run into sex, drugs and
sleazebags. This version of Hollywood is populated by a collection of misfits,
mostly bisexual, who seem to do nothing but have sex and take drugs. In the
last third of the film, the plot finally starts moving, with the strangest
series of events ever strung together on celluloid. These plot twists, as well
as much of Ebert's dialogue, made me laugh out loud.
The film does have a very high nipple count, as you would expect from
Meyer, who was the epitome of the "tit man," but that count might have been
much higher. The film was after an R rating, but got saddled with an X,
probably because Russ Meyer directed it. According to Roger Ebert, there
was a good deal of harder X footage that Meyer wanted to include after the
MPAA gave them the X anyway, but the studio didn't want any further delays
before getting it into the theaters.
The film now has a cult following, and
deservedly so. This is one of the most entertaining bad movies ever made!
C+ on our scale. (Bad movie genre.) IMDb readers say 5.5.
The nudity includes breasts from Angel Ray as a girl in a hot tub, Dolly
Read as the main character, Marcia McBroom as another girl in the band, Susan
Reed as a fashion model, and several uncredited women.
The Last Tattoo (1994)
The Last Tattoo (1994) is a noir thriller set in New Zealand during
WW II, when most of the young local men were away at the front and the
nation was filled with American GIs who socialized with the local
girls, a situation which often caused resentment. The film opens with
a local girl (Katie Wolfe) getting a tattoo while her fiancé, a young
American soldier, encourages her. As the couple leaves the tattoo
parlor, they are accosted by a very unpleasant hood. The creep slaps
the woman around but she manages to escape while the hood is in the
process of killing the soldier. At that point, everyone wants to find
her, including the mob.
A young Marine Captain, investigating the fiancé's murder, knows of
the relationship of the deceased with the girl, and cleverly reports
the missing girl as a VD contact to force an uncooperative local nurse
(Kerry Fox) to help in the search, since the nurse's job is to to
track down suspected VD carriers and cure them. To add to the urgency,
this particular strain of the clap is not treatable by current
methods, although a new experimental drug called penicillin may hold
It turns out that this one murder is just the tip of an iceberg
which consists of an elaborate prostitution and black market operation
profiting from stolen American supplies. The solution to the mystery
managed to catch me by surprise, which is a very good thing.
The film is reminiscent of WW II thrillers in mood and photography,
and it ends with the hero sailing back to the front, hopefully to
victory, much like those films.
This is a C as a competent noir thriller. IMDb readers say 5.3,
and it won some New Zealand acting awards.
Kerry Fox shows her breasts in the inevitable sex scene with the
young Marine Captain, and Katie Wolfe shows one breast in a B&W
Survivors Exposed (2001)
Survivors Exposed (2001) supposedly takes place on the island of
Butta Cheeka. Six female contestants are vying for a $1,000,000.00
prize. They face terrible obstacles, including a horny host, a shit
throwing gorilla, and viscous stuffed animals. Eventually, they vote
the host off of the island, then celebrate with a nude romp on the
Tonight we have the group full frontal and rear nudity series, as well
as Julie K. Smith, Shauna O'Brien and Tess Broussard.
Having never seen the TV show this is a parody of, I can't comment on
it as parody. I can say that the photography, for the most part, was
not good, the acting was abysmal, and the story infantile. On the
other hand, it is difficult to argue with twelve hard nipples. C-.
Julie K Smith
|Well, here's my submission of
images which will be done by just about every imager.
Brittany Daniel in Rampage
The movie was very hard to watch. The camera work was just awful,
constantly going around in circles, lots of blurring, doubling the image.
Obviously an attempt to recreate a drug-induced kind of state, but really
just distracting from what would otherwise have been a mediocre movie.
Plus having Brittany shove a cancer stick into her face in every scene
didn't do much for me. As you can see in the second image, Brittany was
wearing a modesty patch, so it's very unlikely anyone is going to find a
frame of any lower frontal nudity ... too bad.
Dann reports on Vlad:
In 1982, prior to their Oscar-winning
performances, Jack Palance and Martin Landau play escapees
from a maximum-security mental institution in this crime/horror/thriller.
A group of men escape bent on revenge against the psychiatrists who
have for years tortured them trying out bizarre theories of criminal
insanity. This results in an assault-styled siege on the doctor's home
during a blackout. Along the way, several die including Bunky, a baby
sitter played by Carol Levy.
Lots of excitement in this one, and while the acting sometimes comes
across a little lame and dated, it still provides an entertaining 92
Hollywood Sins (2000) is the illegitimate child of an episode of Knots
Landing or Dallas or Dynasty (especially Dynasty) and any of 500 hundred erotic
dramas that occupy the airwaves of cable television. In its 90 minutes are about
52 minutes of plot and intrigue and betrayal so overwrought it is comical. Just
like Knots Landing or Dallas or Dynasty. The other 38 minutes...or so it
seemed...are taken up with muff diving and sport humping. So much skin is
exposed in this movie you'd think it would get sorta boring but the director and
the director of photography and editor knew what they were doing; and the result
is more than a little entertaining. I have wasted lots to time watching some
lousy movies but for most of the 90 minutes spent watching Hollywood Sins I was
In the past couple of days we have seen Mia Zottoli, Kim Dawson, Dee Summers and
Tess Broussard all give up major goodies. The last two gals to strip and mingle
are former pornstar Tracy Smith (aka Tracy Ryan, whose nom de porn was Avalon)
and a very interesting redhead, Victoria Karina. Tracy has two scenes with the
same guy, one dressed partially and briefly as a bride in white. The idea of a
former pornstar dressed for a white wedding was too ironic to pass up, so I
capped the daylights out of that scene. Plus, Tracy is one beautiful,
wholesome-looking woman, despite her chosen profession. So the pleasure was all
mine in putting together nine collages of stuff.
Victoria plays a mythical creature--a pretty lesbian with a heart of gold who
likes men and doesn't mind it when they come onto her. Yep, mythical, but
oft-seen in movies of one sort. Like this one. She is two scenes. In one she
baths real good, especially in and around the nether regions. And in the other
she and Dee Summers take turns diving for the elusive muff. Victoria's body is
slim and rock hard. Terrific posterior on that gal but unfortunately the
are not carbon-based life forms. At least they are not rectangular, like Tess
So okay what you have here is a soft-core that exposes acres of flesh in the
context of a story with a TV-quality plot and better than expected performances
at each of the skill positions (acting directing and editing). Well worth a
look-see, if ever you get the chance.
Today we'll uncover two lesser known but not lesser nekkid French actresses
in 8 clips.
Our first participant today is blond Katia Tchenko
) in La stanza del vescovo
(1977; The Bishop's Room), a film directed by Dino Risi and starring Ornella
Muti, Ugo Tognazzi and Patrick Dewaere. While Ornella doesn't show anything,
Katia reveals all 3 B's along with an unknown actress in these four clips. All
the outdoor action in this movie takes place in or near the beautiful but tiny
Borromean Islands in the Lago Maggiore in Italy. As far as I know this film is
not available on DVD.
Que la fête commence (1974; Let Joy Reign Supreme) is an 18th century French
costume drama directed by Bertrand Tavernier. It was also the screen debut of
actress/director Christine Pascal
). There's a whole bunch of more or less naked
women in these three clips. Christine makes her entrance in clip #2. She is
the frail dark-haired girl who is completely naked. This film is available on
DVD, not only in France but also as a region 1 disk.
Pat's comments in yellow...
For some reason, the Bush administration wants Anna Nicole Smith to be rich.
Bush solicitor general Paul Clement has asked for 10 minutes to speak on Smith's
behalf during oral arguments of her Supreme Court appeal to get part of her late
elderly husband's estate. Her lawyers said, "It can't help but give credibility
to our position."
* It's the next best thing to having a Supreme Court full
of elderly men! Which we just about do!
* Seven of the nine Justices are men: let Anna Nicole handle the oral portion,
and she'll win.
A Manhattan federal judge sided with Sylvester Stallone in a trademark lawsuit,
allowing him to keep the name "Sly" for his mature men's fitness magazine, even
though it was already being used by a foot-fetish magazine. Unfortunately,
Stallone's magazine, whose motto was "Life begins at 40," is already going out
of publication after just four issues.
* The judge gave the foot fetish magazine publisher the
boot...and he LIKED it!
Buckingham Palace announced that Tom Jones will
receive a knighthood from Queen Elizabeth
* It's in recognition of him being the greatest
swordsman in all of Britain.