"Hard to Die"

Hard to Die (1990) is a Jim Wynorski slasher film in the same vein as the Sorority House and Slumber Party Massacres, but played for humor. It has the good sense not to take itself at all seriously. Five "B" bimbo scream queens are stuck on the 11th floor of a high rise doing inventory on a Saturday for a lingerie company. The janitor gives them all the creeps, and no wonder, for he is Orville Ketchum (Peter Spelos) from Sorority House Massacre. The girls must retrieve everything from the basement, which is very dusty, so they take a shower one by one, and change into lingerie. Then they start dying, and suspect Ketchum as the killer. They stab, bite, kick, shoot and spindle him, and throw him off the top of the building, but still he keeps coming. IN one of the better moments, he pulls a knife out of his stomach, then staples a bandage over the wound.

Meanwile, their number keeps shrinking. Two police detectives are on there was to investigate, as they don't like Ketchum anyway, but stop to question a porn actress (Carolet Girard) who once worked in the building. The bad guy is the soul of the Sorority House owner, which was misdelivered to the building in a magic box. The five women in the building are Robyn Harris, Lindsay Taylor, Debra Dare, Melissa Moore and Bridget Carney. They all show breasts and some buns. Girard is wearing a transparent top.

IMDb readers have this at 3.3 of 10. Give me a break. This is a great time to point out the fallacy of the IMDb scoring system. Every film is rated as if it was trying to be The Godfather (the current number 1 film), and is compared to that standard. IF you made Hard to Die the standard, The Godfather would probably end up in the sub 2 range. This film is exactly what it tries to be, a cheesy slasher film filled with homages to Wynorski's other works, and is meant to be laughed at. If you like that sort of film, it is great fun. If you hate that sort of film, don't rent it, and please don't review it. We know it is a bad film. That is the entire point of it. A Gold Medal goes to the five women for synchronized screaming, completing the feat at least three times, and executing a perfect recoil in terror maneuver for an extra degree of difficulty in the process. The film ends with a shootout using the automatic weapons from another shop in the high rise that used more ammunition than all of Vietnam. This is a clear C+. If splatter parody appeals to you, this film is no end of fun.

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  • Bridget Carney (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26)
  • Carolet Girard (1, 2, 3)
  • Debra Dare (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
  • Lindsay Taylor (1, 2, 3)
  • Melissa Moore (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12)
  • Robyn Harris (1, 2, 3, 4)

    A tribute to Laura Gemser

    Laura Gemser (1950 - Present) -- And now for something completely different. This gallery is from the special features of a Joe D'Amato DVD, which I will present tomorrow night. There was far too much nudity to include tonight, as the first act is a hard core sex film, the second act a soft core sex film, and the short last act a flesh eating zombie film.

    Laura was born in Java, Indonesia. She was noticed in 1975 in Emmanuelle, The Joys of a Woman, but became big the same year as Black Emanuelle. Her career includes 64 titles, the most recent in 1992. She is now retired from film, and is living in Italy since the death of her husband, Gabriele Tinti. She has commented that after his death, films no longer interested her. She isn't new to the Fun House, but hopefully some of these images are.

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  • Laura Gemser (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20)

  • Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)

    Emmanuelle Beart update:

    notes on the pictures from yesterday:

    1. Comments from PH.D.

    Hello scoopy,
    I had a little investigation on the pictures of (supposedly) Emmanuelle Beart that you ran today. Especially the spots on her body (see attachment) show a clear alikeness with another picture of Emmanuelle. The constellation of the spots and the distinct position and shape of her breasts show that this is indeed Ms Beart.
    As to their origin, I have no clue.


    2. Comments from Celebrity Sleuth.

    Yes, those are definitely young shots of Emmanuelle Beart ... usually, I don't use these for identication, but those "North South" breasts and upturned nipples are unmistakable. In fact, if you enlarge them visually from 32A to 34C (as she did surgically after Manon of the Spring) you'll note that her chest is identical to that of La Belle Noiseuse.

    So yes, it's most clearly her.

    As for the source (of the Spring?), I'd venture it might have been a part of her early screen test for director Robert ("Dirty Old Man") Altman. Emmanuelle lived in Montreal for three years (careful now, from age 13-16) and worked as an au pair (even though hers was still in its formative stages). Altman (still a Player) took a "personal interest" in her, and signed her up for "a collaborative project" (I'll bet) for which she took a series of screen tests. As one bio put it, "The planned project never came to fruition" (perhaps Bob couldn't get it up...the financing, I mean) and she went back to Paris, where legendary lens letch David Hamilton spotted Em and cast her at age 17 in Premiers desirs. She already looks more mature in that film (nude as well) than in these shots you've unearthed, so I'd have to say they came from slightly before that--pointing to Altman or, possibly, a screen/photo test for Hamilton.

    That would be my best guess ... it's a NICE FIND!





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    Comments on the Jenna Lewis tape from Celebrity Sleuth:

    It would appear that either Jenna, her model husband or both would have to be involved in the release of this "wedding night" tape. By May 1, when it was filmed in Las Vegas, she already knew she hadn't won the $Million on Survivor All-Stars (even though the taped final wouldn't be broadcast for another 5 days), and that her 15 minutes was at about 14:58. Most tellingly, the website that now sells the tape was set up on May 4, 2004--just 3 days after the tape was made and before most people even knew she was married (she didn't announce it until the "Reunion" on May 6, and it was quickly overshadowed by Rob proposing to Amber). So, who else would know that there even WAS a tape to be hawked 3 days after the wedding night except the two participants?

    Alas, much like all celebrities now check into rehab for addiction to "painkillers" and/or "prescription drugs" (rather than real cause of cocaine and/or heroin), it certainly seems like "the tape was stolen" is the rationale de jour for all celebrity sex tapes that surface. Doesn't anybody lock their doors anymore? I mean, c'mon: if you had just made an intimate sex video THREE DAYS BEFORE with someone you'd known for about 3 weeks, wouldn't you keep it under lock and key in a cabinet (or at least be viewing it every night for stimulation)? How would anybody else know it was there...and New York, New York Hotel & Casino (where the tryst was taped) has pretty good security -- my wife's handbag was searched a mere 4 months ago when we were going to see RITA RUDNER!!! You think maybe it might have been difficult for someone to get into their room and snatch a video that they somehow knew was there and accessible?

    Perhaps only the male model huckster was involved, but I notice Jenna hasn't appeared particularly outraged. Also, if it was really was "stolen goods," anyone buying the tape would have to done extensive legal legwork to make sure they could sell it without getting their pants sued off (Jenna's and Travis' were already off, thereby saving valuable lead time). People don't generally traffic in stolen merchandise until and unless they're pretty sure they won't get caught. And it would be pretty clear (like say, the absence of signatures) if Jenna and Travis hadn't consented.

    Sadly, we live in an age where--as I wrote in a recent "SleuthSayer"--infamy is merely "celebrity with an edge." People now become most famous through some formerly discouraged act: Paris and Gena Lee Nolin's videos, Janet's "wardrobe malfunction," Madonna's "Lesbo Liplock," Ozzy's profanities, Jessica Simpson's exaggerated stupidity, and on and on. I fear that's why our "Favorite Former Mouseketeer" has seemingly veered from one outrageous stunt to another (55 hour marriage, public displays, etc.), since she'll be 23 later this year and pulling inexorably away from the Hilary Duff and Lindsay Lohan audience. And speaking of Lindsay, she's obviously been paying attention two...

    Note that neither Jenna Lewis nor Travis Wolfe has publicly condemned the sex tape (even through a spokesperson) and no lawsuits have been filed. Gosh, if ever something called out for a TRO this would be it! Her reputation as a Survivor could be ruined...though as a Sword Swallower, enhanced.




    Here are the latest movie reviews available at

    • The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
    • If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
    • A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
    • If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.


    Words from Scoop.

    .avi's from Shiloh.

    .wmv files made by Scoop from Shiloh's .avi's.

    NOTE: because of a unique combination of circumstances with the Windows media player and some substantial bandwidth theft, we will have to do all of our movie files in zip format. Click on the files as you normally would to play them. When you get a choice, click on "save", and put it on your hard drive in the directory of your choice. UnZIP and play from there.

    I know this is not especially convenient, but it allows the film clips to continue. I can protect .zip files from hot-linking in the same way I can protect still images. For some reason, if I protect .avis and .wmvs from hot-linking, they will not play in the Windows media player, and I can't get a satisfactory work-around. Perhaps I will find a better solution, but for now this new policy allows you to continue getting the movie clips you want to see, which is much preferable to my abandoning the clips altogether.


    Lesbotronic Film Clips, Part 2


    Perhaps these tips will help if you have trouble with the codecs for these movies:

    Shiloh says:

    FYI when I hypercam vids to make the file size smaller I use DivX MPEG-4 Fast-Motion for the video compressor, then I use virtualdub to compress the audio. The properties for the vids says the video codec:  DivX Decoder Filter & audio codec:  Morgan Stream Switcher which I'm not familiar with. When I compress the audio with virtualdub I use MPEG Layer-3.  A friend of mine told me about compressing the audio about (6) mos. ago. Like I said previously, only been capping for a year & a half & I'm no expert. Hopefully this info will help members with the proper codecs for my vids.
    When I cap big brother's I use hypercam mostly & sdp & asfrecorder if the set up allows me. I stopped using camtasia cause the file sizes were always too big, could never figure out the process, over my head lol, plus it cost too much to buy in my opinion.

    A reader says:

    You mentioned that some users were having trouble with the videos on your site. There is a tool designed to determine what codec is needed for a video. Hope this is useful to you or your users.

    Scoop says:

    I made the .wmv versions of each video. The codecs for these: Windows Video V8, Windows Audio 9. The upside of these is that you know the codecs, and they'll play in the Windows Media Player. The downside is that they are slightly larger, and slightly lower quality.

    Graphic Response
    From the 1977 movie Ken Russell bio-pic "Valentino" (1977).

    Be sure to pay Graphic Response a visit at his website.

    Crimson Ghost
    Today we have Part 2 of The Ghost's coverage of the Skinemax flick "Fast Lane to Vegas" (2000)!

    As Scoop noted yesterday, we currently have to do all of our movie files in zip format. Instead of viewing them online, save the zip files to your hard drive in the directory of your choice, un-zip and play from there.

    First up, Kelly Alane and porn star Dee Summers (aka Dee) both showing all 3 B's in a 3-way sex scene. The amount of goodies are in this order: breasts, bush, then bum.

    Next, the former Miss USA (1991) and daytime soap star turned softcore babe going topless and also showing some gyno-views ('caps #1 and #7, .wmv #2).

    Skinemax regular Mia Zottoli, aka Mia, aka Ava Lake is up next and showing off her robo-hooters.

    Last but definitely not of my favorite porn stars, Tera Patrick. Breasts in every image, plus pubes and a near gyno-views in 'caps #1 and #2 and .wmv #1. .wmvs #2 and #3 show all 3 B's.

    Assorted goodies from Vejiita today...
    • Maria Conchita Alonso, topless in scenes from the 1988 Spanish language film "Con el corazón en la mano". (1, 2)

    Next up, Vejiita takes a look at the slasher/comdey "Tales from the Crypt Presents: Bordello of Blood"...a fun, campy, tongue-firmly-planted-in cheek, spoof of vampire movies starring one of our comedy heroes, Dennis Miller.

    • Angie Everhart, no nudity, but she looks good. (1, 2, 3, 4)

    • Assorted nekkid babes (1, 2)

    • Juliet Reagh, topless. (1, 2)

    • Kiara Hunter, topless and wearing bondage gear. (1, 2)

    • Leslie Ann Phillips, when 2 pierced nipples just aren't enough.

    'Caps and comments by Dann:

    "The Company"
    This 2003 movie is all about ballet (and particularly about the Joffrey Ballet Company in Chicago), but what the movie ISN'T will make the movie more attractive to non-ballet lovers than what the movie IS.

    The movie does follow the course of a young dancer (Neve Campbell) who's trying to become a principal performer, but it doesn't get too wrapped up in the side stories. They are there, but minimally, and mostly the movie focuses on the dancing. That's good, because the non-dance stuff is pretty low-key, and kind of boring.

    The dance numbers are beautiful to watch, and equally fascinating is the comparison between rehearsal performances and the final performances. Real ballet lovers may or may not feel the performances are top rate, but to the average bear, this movie simply has lots of beautiful dancing. Although I'm no ballet fan, I thoroughly enjoyed this movie.

    Incidentially, if you're surprised at the nudity in a PG-13, apparently so was the rating board, which originally rated it R. After an appeal, they changed it to PG-13, which makes sense since the nudity was not really sexual in nature. What I don't know is what (if anything) they had to cut to get it to PG-13.

    Kelly Monaco The gorgeous former Heffer turned daytime soap star going topless in a scene from the direct-to-vid Emilio Estevez movie "Late Last Night" (1999).

    Maud Adams
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19,)

    Señor Skin 'caps of the Swedish model and two time Bond babe ("The Man with the Golden Gun" (1974) and "Octopussy" (1983)) baring all 3 B's in scenes from the 1981 movie "Tattoo".

    Pat Reeder
    Pat's comments in yellow...

    The Next Gabe Kaplan - Avid gambler Ben Affleck won the 2004 California State Poker Championship, becoming the first star to win a major tournament. Affleck paid tribute to fellow poker player/"Welcome Back, Kotter" star Gabe Kaplan for tutoring him.

  • And to J-Lo, for helping him develop his poker face.
  • The way Gabe and Ben's acting careers are going, it's good that they have something to fall back on.

    I Wouldn't Wish This Life On A Dog - Britney Spears and her mom and sister went to a pet shop in New Orleans Monday to buy a puppy, but they were so mobbed by paparazzi that when her mom tried to back up their SUV, she allegedly rolled over a photographer's ankle. He screamed and lay on the pavement. Britney was so upset, she began crying and screaming, "Oh no! Oh no!" When a paramedic arrived, he feared she was having a panic attack and held her hand and consoled her until she calmed down, then treated the guy who was run over.

  • He had to wait about three hours, but Britney was VERY upset.
  • Britney was so grateful, she married the paramedic and divorced before he ever got to the photographer.
  • Britney was scared to death that after this, nobody would ever take her picture again.
  • Britney was hysterical because she had no idea it was illegal to run over a tabloid photographer.

    Chris Rock Hopes His Daughter Has This - Donna Cleeve, 20, of Portsmouth, England, was forced to quit her $1600-a-week job as a pole dancer because she's allergic to the metal pole. She knew she was allergic to nickel but didn't know the pole contained it. For three months, she suffered a mysterious and painful rash that was only eased by soaking in a bathtub for hours. She said it's hard to look sexy when your legs are inflamed. After figuring out the cause, she took a lower-paid job in sales, but said she'd go back if she could find a way around the pole allergy.

  • Maybe a wooden pole? No, splinters...
  • Her customers all offered to let her dance on their poles.
  • I'll bet she could get guys to pay just to watch her soak in the bathtub.