Hard to Die (1990) is a Jim Wynorski slasher film in the same vein as the Sorority House and Slumber Party Massacres, but played for humor. It has the good sense not to take itself at all seriously. Five "B" bimbo scream queens are stuck on the 11th floor of a high rise doing inventory on a Saturday for a lingerie company. The janitor gives them all the creeps, and no wonder, for he is Orville Ketchum (Peter Spelos) from Sorority House Massacre. The girls must retrieve everything from the basement, which is very dusty, so they take a shower one by one, and change into lingerie. Then they start dying, and suspect Ketchum as the killer. They stab, bite, kick, shoot and spindle him, and throw him off the top of the building, but still he keeps coming. IN one of the better moments, he pulls a knife out of his stomach, then staples a bandage over the wound.

Meanwile, their number keeps shrinking. Two police detectives are on there was to investigate, as they don't like Ketchum anyway, but stop to question a porn actress (Carolet Girard) who once worked in the building. The bad guy is the soul of the Sorority House owner, which was misdelivered to the building in a magic box. The five women in the building are Robyn Harris, Lindsay Taylor, Debra Dare, Melissa Moore and Bridget Carney. They all show breasts and some buns. Girard is wearing a transparent top.

IMDb readers have this at 3.3 of 10. Give me a break. This is a great time to point out the fallacy of the IMDb scoring system. Every film is rated as if it was trying to be The Godfather (the current number 1 film), and is compared to that standard. IF you made Hard to Die the standard, The Godfather would probably end up in the sub 2 range. This film is exactly what it tries to be, a cheesy slasher film filled with homages to Wynorski's other works, and is meant to be laughed at. If you like that sort of film, it is great fun. If you hate that sort of film, don't rent it, and please don't review it. We know it is a bad film. That is the entire point of it. A Gold Medal goes to the five women for synchronized screaming, completing the feat at least three times, and executing a perfect recoil in terror maneuver for an extra degree of difficulty in the process. The film ends with a shootout using the automatic weapons from another shop in the high rise that used more ammunition than all of Vietnam. This is a clear C+. If splatter parody appeals to you, this film is no end of fun.

Emmanuelle Beart update:

notes on the pictures from yesterday:

1. Comments from PH.D.

2. Comments from Celebrity Sleuth.

Yes, those are definitely young shots of Emmanuelle Beart ... usually, I don't use these for identication, but those "North South" breasts and upturned nipples are unmistakable. In fact, if you enlarge them visually from 32A to 34C (as she did surgically after Manon of the Spring) you'll note that her chest is identical to that of La Belle Noiseuse.

So yes, it's most clearly her.

As for the source (of the Spring?), I'd venture it might have been a part of her early screen test for director Robert ("Dirty Old Man") Altman. Emmanuelle lived in Montreal for three years (careful now, from age 13-16) and worked as an au pair (even though hers was still in its formative stages). Altman (still a Player) took a "personal interest" in her, and signed her up for "a collaborative project" (I'll bet) for which she took a series of screen tests. As one bio put it, "The planned project never came to fruition" (perhaps Bob couldn't get it up...the financing, I mean) and she went back to Paris, where legendary lens letch David Hamilton spotted Em and cast her at age 17 in Premiers desirs. She already looks more mature in that film (nude as well) than in these shots you've unearthed, so I'd have to say they came from slightly before that--pointing to Altman or, possibly, a screen/photo test for Hamilton.

That would be my best guess ... it's a NICE FIND!

Sleuth
 

OTHER CRAP:

• The American Film Institute chooses the Top 100 songs in American movies. "Puberty Love", from Attack of the Killer Tomatoes, was #1. OK, maybe not. Click on the link for the complete list.
• BOROWITZ: "My Life", the lengthy memoir by former President Bill Clinton, has been declared a weapon of mass destruction The 957 page tome fell off a bookstore shelf in Portland, Oregon today, killing three people and seriously wounding five others.
• COLIN FARRELL's full-frontal nude scene was cut from A Home at the End of the World because his dick is so enormous.  Whoa. I guess that's why my acting career never took off. He only got one scene cut, but my entire career was cut. You do the math.
  • Colin is so incensed he won’t be shown in his full glory in cinemas, he is demanding the scenes be included when the film comes out on DVD. The producers have agreed, so his gay and female fans have a treat in store.
• Jennifer Lopez employs a professional shoe-fastener. This position pays a bit more than her nipple-tweaker. In fact, the nipple-tweaker applied for the shoe-fastening job, but was told he just wasn't ready.
• Some celebrity bloggers.
• Val Kilmer says Brad Pitt is a wimp.
• The Daily Show: President Clinton reflects on his special White House memories while wearing silly shoes.
• Michael Moore 'has consulted with lawyers who can bring defamation suits against anyone who maligns the film or damages his reputation' They better get started against Christopher Hitchens (see link below).
• Awful Plastic Surgery says Tara Reid has new breasts.
• Three FBI officials have contradicted sworn testimony by Attorney General John Ashcroft to the 9/11 commission.
• The Lollapalooza music festival tour has been canceled because of poor ticket sales, according to its Web site.
• Senate, still showing off their post-tittygate morality, votes to up fines for indecent broadcasts
• The official website for Oliver Stone's ALEXANDER. The voice-over, only a couple of lines, seems to be supplied by Hannibal Lecter himself.
• Gary Oldman in Episode III?
• ''Fahrenheit 911'' loses R rating appeal
• The trailer for Code 46, which is rated R for "brief graphic nudity". : "'Code 46' is a love story set in an eerily possible near-future where cities are heavily controlled and only accessible through checkpoints. People cannot travel unless they have 'papelles,' a special travel insurance. Outside these cities, the desert has taken over and shanty towns are jammed with non-citizens - people without papelles whose lives are severely restricted. William (Tim Robbins) is a family man who works as an insurance investigator. When his company sends him to another city to solve a case of fake papelles, he meets a woman named Maria (Samantha Morton). Although he knows she has been creating the forgeries, he falls completely in love with her. He hides her crime and they have a wild, passionate affair that can only last as long as his papelles: 24 hours. Back home, William is obsessed with the memory of Maria. He tries to see her but is refused the necessary papers to travel. Desperate, he uses one of the fake papelles he kept from his investigation. He eventually tracks her down, only to discover she has been accused of a Code 46 violation."
• The company distributing 'Fahrenheit 9/11' says it won't reject an offer of help from Middle East terrorist organization Hezbollah. From Disney to Hezbollah? Who's doing his ad campaign, Carlos the Jackal?
  • FROM THE SITE: "Last month, Moore and his partners boasted the movie would be rolled out in more than 1,000 theaters nationwide. Later, that number was revised to 'about 1,000.' The next estimate was 750. In recent days, the guess had dropped to below 500."
  • FROM MOORE'S SITE: Moore wrote on June 18th: "As of this morning, a little over 500 theaters have agreed to show the movie beginning next Friday, June 25."
• UNDERSTANDING THE 9/11 COMMISSION STATEMENTS: VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY'S SELECT TRANSLATIONS OF DELUSIONAL LIBERAL MUMBO-JUMBO INTO PATRIOTIC FACTS
• Pimp eye for the Volvo guy. If TV can make you over, surely it can do your car as well.
• Cult Novel-Turned-Film "Fight Club" May Become a Musical. The first rule about fight club is you don't talk about fight club - you SING about it instead.
• ESPN's Page 2 - Poker ain't like it used to be
• David Bowie hit in the eye by a lollipop in Norway. The Norwegians are a gentle people, but don't get them riled - they turn rabid. Nearly half a dozen Norsemen suffer each year from ferocious lollipop wounds.
• Big news in Norway: 97% of the elderly people in Northern Norway wear dentures. How the hell many elderly people live in Northern Norway?
• One of the Olsen twins has reportedly entered a treatment facility to seek professional help for an eating disorder.
• The Trailer for Stupidity, the Documentary
• The trailer for Kung Fu Jesus (I think the trailer IS the movie, or movie parody, or whatever you want to call it)
• Lots of video excerpts from the BBC's interview with Bill Clinton.
• Model Claudia Schiffer is expecting her second child
• The man who created broadcast news - Edward R Murrow
• The United States Professional Dodgeball League
• U.S. to Give 'Legal' Custody of Saddam to Iraqis. This is an oblique way to say that the US will keep him prisoner, but will allow Iraqis to decide his fate.
• Christian Slater betrayed his wife with a £300-a-time London vice girl, says The News of the World. He enjoyed explosive sex with 19-year-old Abbey Russo, a scandal echoing the star's hit film True Romance in which his character falls for a vice girl.
• Porn actress claims, "I fucked Alec Baldwin in his ass". He was probably researching a role, possibly for a prison movie.
• Nudity report from the CineVegas Film Festival on THE HILLSIDE STRANGLER (2004) ...
  • 5 minutes: Brittany Daniel engages in sex at a swingers party, revealing her breasts.
  • 32 minutes: There is a picture of Brittany Daniel, revealing a breast.
  • 44 minutes: (1)Brittany Daniel takes off her blouse, revealing her breasts before joining her boyfriend and another woman. She gets out of bed completely naked, offers a good look at her posterior, but never goes full-frontal. (2) Michelle Borth, the other woman in the threesome, shows her breasts.
  • 60 minutes: Brittany Daniel's breasts are seen as she takes a bath.
• A British schoolboy was banned from an important exam because his trousers were the wrong shade of black.
• Here's a picture from that naked shopping night in London. Has any event with 15 participants ever gotten this much publicity? At least this article has a picture.
• Researchers have located the Browning automatic pistol used to assassinate Archduke Franz Ferdinand, heir to the throne of Austria-Hungary, and his wife Sophie in Sarajevo on June 28 1914. The act is generally considered to have started WW1,
• The Man Show's Fat Kid tries to pick up chicks
• Bill Clinton's dream of becoming president began during a fortuitous 1963 visit with John F. Kennedy, who told him the job was 'great for nailing chicks'. The New York Times called the work "skanky, auto-erotic and libido-crushingly dull," lamenting that the memoir contains no mention of Clinton's alleged Lincoln Bedroom gangbangs or his racy "Interns Gone Wild" videos.
• Turn in a pirate, get $500, and you get to keep his parrot.
• Supreme Court says police can arrest you for failing or refusing to identify yourself.
  • DETAILS: Here is the actual decision, with summary and dissents.
• Here's the full-length version of that Jessica Alba bikini picture
• VIDEO: ABC and the Chicago Tribune were able to obtain the divorce documents of Jack and Jeri Ryan. Most of the story is about sex clubs at this moment. Jack is a Senate candidate. Jeri is 7 of 9.
• 60,000 people and 2,500 policemen jam Palace Square to see Paul McCartney play in St Petersburg. Of course, this article is from Pravda, and it is usually safe to knock a zero off all their claims. Assume there were 6,000 people, and 250 policemen, and you'll probably be closer to the truth.
• PAIGE Davis does an impromptu strip for charity. "The star of The Learning Channel's 'Trading Spaces,' could easily trade places with a stripper. At the Broadway Bares/Equity Fights Aids gala at Roseland Sunday night, Davis 'pulled up her sundress to her hips, showing off her tiny thong, and started to strip,' a witness says. 'She did a go-go dance and then, all sweaty, let men maul her breasts and shove dollar bills into the front of her tiny G-string "
• From the "I didn't make this up" department: Sharon Osbourne is named the most powerful person in Rock, just edging out #2, Lucifer, the Prince of Darkness. 'Twas a time when the Evil One dared to challenge God himself for supremacy of all of creation. Now it turns out he can't even beat Sharon Osbourne. Satan did manage to finish a few spots higher than Avril Lavigne, and I'm pretty sure he edged out Anson "Potsie" Williams.
• Naked shoppers hunt for bargains. It's already Courtney Love night again? The big shopping event drew 15 naked shoppers in the massive city of London, which means BBC must have been having a mighty slow news night to report it. I assume BBC's staff at the event must have outnumbered the shoppers.
• Johnny Web reviews the immortal cinema classic, Dragon Storm. Entertainment at its finest. Two key points: (1) medieval guys battle creatures from outer space in 1190 A.D. (2) the film was directed by the guy who played Flounder in Animal House
• Very interesting article from GALLUP: The Cultural Landscape: What is Morally Acceptable? "A recent Gallup Poll testing Americans' reaction to the moral acceptability of 16 social issues finds nearly unanimous agreement that three of the items are immoral: polygamy, extramarital affairs, and human cloning. On the other hand, most believe that six are morally acceptable: divorce, the death penalty, gambling, use of animal fur for human clothing, medical testing on animals, and premarital sex. Americans are close to split on four: having a baby outside of marriage, abortion, homosexual behavior, and doctor assisted suicide. Nearly equal numbers consider each of these morally acceptable as morally wrong. Generational differences in these attitudes are generally greater than gender differences."
   

Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the ones above, since it's sorta in real time.

Click here to submit a URL for Other Crap

Comments on the Jenna Lewis tape from Celebrity Sleuth:

It would appear that either Jenna, her model husband or both would have to be involved in the release of this "wedding night" tape. By May 1, when it was filmed in Las Vegas, she already knew she hadn't won the $Million on Survivor All-Stars (even though the taped final wouldn't be broadcast for another 5 days), and that her 15 minutes was at about 14:58. Most tellingly, the website that now sells the tape was set up on May 4, 2004--just 3 days after the tape was made and before most people even knew she was married (she didn't announce it until the "Reunion" on May 6, and it was quickly overshadowed by Rob proposing to Amber). So, who else would know that there even WAS a tape to be hawked 3 days after the wedding night except the two participants?

Alas, much like all celebrities now check into rehab for addiction to "painkillers" and/or "prescription drugs" (rather than real cause of cocaine and/or heroin), it certainly seems like "the tape was stolen" is the rationale de jour for all celebrity sex tapes that surface. Doesn't anybody lock their doors anymore? I mean, c'mon: if you had just made an intimate sex video THREE DAYS BEFORE with someone you'd known for about 3 weeks, wouldn't you keep it under lock and key in a cabinet (or at least be viewing it every night for stimulation)? How would anybody else know it was there...and New York, New York Hotel & Casino (where the tryst was taped) has pretty good security -- my wife's handbag was searched a mere 4 months ago when we were going to see RITA RUDNER!!! You think maybe it might have been difficult for someone to get into their room and snatch a video that they somehow knew was there and accessible?

Perhaps only the male model huckster was involved, but I notice Jenna hasn't appeared particularly outraged. Also, if it was really was "stolen goods," anyone buying the tape would have to done extensive legal legwork to make sure they could sell it without getting their pants sued off (Jenna's and Travis' were already off, thereby saving valuable lead time). People don't generally traffic in stolen merchandise until and unless they're pretty sure they won't get caught. And it would be pretty clear (like say, the absence of signatures) if Jenna and Travis hadn't consented.

Sadly, we live in an age where--as I wrote in a recent "SleuthSayer"--infamy is merely "celebrity with an edge." People now become most famous through some formerly discouraged act: Paris and Gena Lee Nolin's videos, Janet's "wardrobe malfunction," Madonna's "Lesbo Liplock," Ozzy's profanities, Jessica Simpson's exaggerated stupidity, and on and on. I fear that's why our "Favorite Former Mouseketeer" has seemingly veered from one outrageous stunt to another (55 hour marriage, public displays, etc.), since she'll be 23 later this year and pulling inexorably away from the Hilary Duff and Lindsay Lohan audience. And speaking of Lindsay, she's obviously been paying attention two...

Note that neither Jenna Lewis nor Travis Wolfe has publicly condemned the sex tape (even through a spokesperson) and no lawsuits have been filed. Gosh, if ever something called out for a TRO this would be it! Her reputation as a Survivor could be ruined...though as a Sword Swallower, enhanced.

MOVIE REVIEWS:

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

Words from Scoop.

.avi's from Shiloh.

.wmv files made by Scoop from Shiloh's .avi's.

NOTE: because of a unique combination of circumstances with the Windows media player and some substantial bandwidth theft, we will have to do all of our movie files in zip format. Click on the files as you normally would to play them. When you get a choice, click on "save", and put it on your hard drive in the directory of your choice. UnZIP and play from there.

I know this is not especially convenient, but it allows the film clips to continue. I can protect .zip files from hot-linking in the same way I can protect still images. For some reason, if I protect .avis and .wmvs from hot-linking, they will not play in the Windows media player, and I can't get a satisfactory work-around. Perhaps I will find a better solution, but for now this new policy allows you to continue getting the movie clips you want to see, which is much preferable to my abandoning the clips altogether.

Lesbotronic Film Clips, Part 2

• Aimee and Jaguar is an artistic film about lesbians in Nazi Germany. Here's Maria Shrader.  (.avi - zip) (.wmv - zip)  (review)

• More of Maria Shrader in Aimee and Jaguar  (.avi - zip) (.wmv - zip)

• Julienne Kohler in Aimee and Jaguar.  (.avi - zip) (.wmv - zip)

Perhaps these tips will help if you have trouble with the codecs for these movies:

Shiloh says:

FYI when I hypercam vids to make the file size smaller I use DivX MPEG-4 Fast-Motion for the video compressor, then I use virtualdub to compress the audio. The properties for the vids says the video codec:  DivX Decoder Filter & audio codec:  Morgan Stream Switcher which I'm not familiar with. When I compress the audio with virtualdub I use MPEG Layer-3.  A friend of mine told me about compressing the audio about (6) mos. ago. Like I said previously, only been capping for a year & a half & I'm no expert. Hopefully this info will help members with the proper codecs for my vids.

 

When I cap big brother's I use hypercam mostly & sdp & asfrecorder if the set up allows me. I stopped using camtasia cause the file sizes were always too big, could never figure out the process, over my head lol, plus it cost too much to buy in my opinion.

A reader says:

You mentioned that some users were having trouble with the videos on your site. There is a tool designed to determine what codec is needed for a video. http://www.headbands.com/gspot/ Hope this is useful to you or your users.

Scoop says:

I made the .wmv versions of each video. The codecs for these: Windows Video V8, Windows Audio 9. The upside of these is that you know the codecs, and they'll play in the Windows Media Player. The downside is that they are slightly larger, and slightly lower quality.

• Ex-Mamas and the Papas member Michelle Phillips briefly shows all 3 B's.
• Penelope Milford also shows breasts, bum and bush.

Be sure to pay Graphic Response a visit at his website. www.graphic-barry.com.

As Scoop noted yesterday, we currently have to do all of our movie files in zip format. Instead of viewing them online, save the zip files to your hard drive in the directory of your choice, un-zip and play from there.

First up, Kelly Alane and porn star Dee Summers (aka Dee) both showing all 3 B's in a 3-way sex scene. The amount of goodies are in this order: breasts, bush, then bum.

• Kelly Alane and Dee Summers (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)
• Alane and Summers, individual zipped .wmvs (1, 2, 3, 4)
• All Kelly Alane and Dee Summers .wmvs in one zip file

Next, the former Miss USA (1991) and daytime soap star turned softcore babe going topless and also showing some gyno-views ('caps #1 and #7, .wmv #2).

• Kelli McCarty (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)
• Kelli McCarty individual zipped .wmvs (1, 2, 3)
• All Kelli McCarty .wmvs in one zip file

Skinemax regular Mia Zottoli, aka Mia, aka Ava Lake is up next and showing off her robo-hooters.

• Mia Zottoli (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
• Mia Zottoli individual zipped .wmvs (1, 2, 3, 4)
• All Mia Zottoli .wmvs in one zip file

Last but definitely not least...one of my favorite porn stars, Tera Patrick. Breasts in every image, plus pubes and a near gyno-views in 'caps #1 and #2 and .wmv #1. .wmvs #2 and #3 show all 3 B's.

• Tera Patrick (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)
• Tera Patrick individual zipped .wmvs (1, 2, 3)
• All Tera Patrick .wmvs in one zip file

• Maria Conchita Alonso, topless in scenes from the 1988 Spanish language film "Con el corazón en la mano". (1, 2)

Next up, Vejiita takes a look at the slasher/comdey "Tales from the Crypt Presents: Bordello of Blood"...a fun, campy, tongue-firmly-planted-in cheek, spoof of vampire movies starring one of our comedy heroes, Dennis Miller.

• Angie Everhart, no nudity, but she looks good. (1, 2, 3, 4)

• Assorted nekkid babes (1, 2)

• Juliet Reagh, topless. (1, 2)

• Kiara Hunter, topless and wearing bondage gear. (1, 2)

• Leslie Ann Phillips, when 2 pierced nipples just aren't enough.

"The Company"
This 2003 movie is all about ballet (and particularly about the Joffrey Ballet Company in Chicago), but what the movie ISN'T will make the movie more attractive to non-ballet lovers than what the movie IS.

The movie does follow the course of a young dancer (Neve Campbell) who's trying to become a principal performer, but it doesn't get too wrapped up in the side stories. They are there, but minimally, and mostly the movie focuses on the dancing. That's good, because the non-dance stuff is pretty low-key, and kind of boring.

The dance numbers are beautiful to watch, and equally fascinating is the comparison between rehearsal performances and the final performances. Real ballet lovers may or may not feel the performances are top rate, but to the average bear, this movie simply has lots of beautiful dancing. Although I'm no ballet fan, I thoroughly enjoyed this movie.

Incidentially, if you're surprised at the nudity in a PG-13, apparently so was the rating board, which originally rated it R. After an appeal, they changed it to PG-13, which makes sense since the nudity was not really sexual in nature. What I don't know is what (if anything) they had to cut to get it to PG-13.

• Neve Campbell

AFFLECK WINS POKER CHAMPIONSHIP
The Next Gabe Kaplan - Avid gambler Ben Affleck won the 2004 California State Poker Championship, becoming the first star to win a major tournament. Affleck paid tribute to fellow poker player/"Welcome Back, Kotter" star Gabe Kaplan for tutoring him.