Brimstone & Treacle (1982) stars Sting as a young con man who ingratiates himself into peoples lives, and then does real mischief before moving on to the next victim. It really isn't clear what his motivations are, and, in point of fact, actually causes good things for two of the three people in the household we observe him in. I assume you have all read Scoopy's review (linked below). I also enjoyed this film very much. I thought the entire cast was excellent, and was not as shocked by what Sting does to Patricia as some reviewers claim to be, as it was announced at the start of the film that Sting was not necessarily a good guy, and his plans for Patricia (Suzanna Hamilton) were telegraphed well in advance. The ending was very clever, leaving lots of questions, but was satisfying at the same time.

This is an enthusiastic thumbs up from me, and the full frontal from Hamilton didn't hurt. This is my kind of offbeat film, so it was no great surprise that I enjoyed it. Your mileage may vary, but it is a C+, very well done for those like me who enjoy the genre.

Gigli (2003)

The last few months haven't been great for Ben Affleck. First he made the "worst movie of all time" and was ridiculed non-stop by every radio DJ and TV talk show host in America, then he earned the general contempt of the world by announcing that he'd remake Casablanca in the Bogart role, then the tabloids had a field day with his stripper adventures, then his relationship with J-Lo suffered a very public break-up on their wedding day. Couple that with the fact that he always has a bad hair day, and you have what must have been a disappointing quarter for the big fella.

There is a scene in Good Will Hunting in which the Affleck character explains to the boy genius from his 'hood that it is not betrayal for the smart guy to leave his friends in order to develop his unique talent, but is rather succeeding for all of them. It would be betrayal not to follow his talent out of the 'hood, because they all wish they had that chance, and since they can't, ol' Will Hunting has to do it for all of them.

Ironically, Affleck has never been able to take the advice his character dispensed so wisely, because Big Ben is, after all, one of us, a regular guy succeeding for all of us. He didn't start out with any inside showbiz connections, or a fancy education at Oxford, or an internship with The Royal Shakespeare company. He doesn't have the raw talent of Kenneth Branagh or Johnny Depp or Sam Rockwell or Robert Downey, Jr. He's just a regular Boston guy who made good by plugging away and making the best use of his good looks and swagger.

Underneath it all, he manages to give off the feeling that he's probably a decent guy, like the basketball star in college who had enough brains and humor to see the world in perspective, and didn't set himself apart from the geeks and loners, but always had fun with everyone. You get the feeling that if Ben showed up in your restaurant, he'd order from the menu, and draw as little attention to himself as possible. If he came to a party at your beach house, I'm pretty sure he'd be out there drinkin' beer and playin' volleyball with the rest of your friends. He'd probably fly coach if he could do it unnoticed.

Because he's one of us, and has been out there succeeding for the rest of us normal guys, I have always wanted him to enjoy his life, because he's doin' that for us as well. I have always felt bad about that J-Lo thing. J-Lo is obviously a person who wants all the trappings of stardom. She wants the entourage, she wants special favors and treatment, she wants the spotlight. She doesn't order from the menu. If she came to your beach party, she would not be out there making digs out of the sand and throwing up on your dad's shoes. She would demand the position of designated cynosure for your gathering, and it's not likely that she'd show up by herself. Not only would she not fit in, but she'd probably get pissed off at her entourage if they did fit in.

Ben never belonged in her controlling, high maintenance world.

So I don't know if either of their hearts are really breaking about the dissolution of their union, but I'm glad for Ben. He's a simple guy of moderate talent who got lucky enough to become just about the biggest deal in the most visible profession in the world. He should get a chance to celebrate that. He's supposed to be out there having fun.

Not just for himself, but for all of us.

==================

Oh, yeah, the movie. Well, for one thing, it's pronounced GEE-lee. Rhymes with really.

What more can I add that hasn't already been said? Worst movie of all time at IMDb. People dumped on it so hard because people love to see stars shot down from the sky, especially if the stars seem to possess undue admiration for their own magnitude of brilliance. Bennifer did indeed make a sub-standard movie with plenty of unintentional laughs. Lopez plays a lesbian contract killer and Affleck, for the second time in his cinema career, converts a lesbian from the carpet eating event to the pole vaulting, just in time for the Olympics.

In the course of their careers, Affleck and J-Lo are generally considered to have achieved far more than they have deserved, and J-Lo was especially ripe for a fall because she has combined her unlikely success with difficult behavior. Couple the comeuppance motive with the fact that the studio spent $54 million dollars on the film, and a shitstorm was forming before the film was ever seen. The film did die, and it did stink, so the vultures swooped in to pick that carcass apart. The respected critics with big audiences, Ebert and Glieberman, two men who try as hard as they can to remain fair and objective, both thought it was in the C+ range.

I don't mean to be migli-mouthed. It doesn't deserve praise. It should not be the worst movie of all time at IMDb, nowhere near, but it never should have been greenlighted for fifty million bucks either, because it is rigli uninspiring, and the Bennifer scenes are too touchy-figli.

D+. That is all. Over and out.

• J-Lo (1, 2, 3)

Anger Management (2003)

You know a film is in trouble when it has to get inspiration from Analyze That!

Imagine the relationship in Analyze That. A sixty year old man pretends to be crazy, and a loveable younger man suffers because of it. One is a psychiatrist, one is a patient. The patient ends up spending a good chunk of the movie singing I Feel Pretty from West Side Story.

But Anger Management is not exactly identical to Analyze That. Oh, no. This time - and brace yourself for the sheer daring of this innovation - the psychiatrist is pretending to be crazy, not the patient. Whoa!

Adam Sandler is the patient, but it's obvious that he shouldn't be one. He asks for a set of headphones on a movie flight, and ends up getting tasered by an air marshall. Before you know it, Sandler is sentenced to a year in prison for assault, a sentence which may only be commuted if he completes an anger management course with a famous therapist.

The first sixty minutes of this film are about as irritating and unfunny as any movie you'll see this year. Not only that, but the premise is so unrealistic, and the situations so completely implausible that you may need to take an anger management course to control your own rage over having invested your time on this story.

The second half is better - it resolves the irritation with an explanation, and manages to rise up to the level of a normal Adam Sandler movie, which is to say slapstick, clichéd, cloyingly sentimental, and sorta funny in a way like the class clown in your Anthro class, who isn't really funny, but is sort of cooler than paying attention to Anthro.

Kinda.

Unless you have a Game Boy.

All of which sums up Adam Sandler's appeal in a quick sentence - he represents something to do if you don't have a Game Boy.

This movie did allow Jack Nicholson to do his semi-crazed Jack Nicholson kind of stuff, and that produced some decent moments. It also has about a bazillion celebrity cameos, from Heather Graham and John C. Reilly to Roger Clemens, John McEnroe, and Bobby Knight, the latter three playing themselves as Sandler's fellow anger management patients. New York Mayor Guiliani also plays himself and has far too many lines in relation to his ability to deliver them.

As usual with Sandler movies, the box office was quite satisfactory, but many critics took a hearty dump on it.

No nudity, but some babe-a-liciousness

• Krista Allen and January Jones
• Heather Graham (1, 2)

Lost Highway (1997)

I'll have to write about David Lynch's Lost Highway at a later date.

Two reasons:

1) it's late, and I'm way past my deadline

2) maybe if I delay for a while, I can figure out what the hell it is about

anyway, the nudity is pretty cool:

• Patricia Arquette (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)
• Natasha Wagner
• some swimming chicks
• some porno chicks
   

All I Want (2002)

No time to write in depth, but this was not released theatrically despite the presence of three marketable names: that Frodo dude, Franka "Runnin' Lola" Potente,  and pop star Mandy Moore. The distributor's lack of confidence was not misplaced.

No nudity from Harry or Moore. Not sure about Potente.

• Franka Potente
• Mandy Moore
• Deborah Harry

OTHER CRAP:

• San Diego will become a treasure trove for lovers of sea chanties this Saturday (Sep. 20). The day after Talk Like a Pirate Day. It's enough to make any self-respecting pirate say, 'Aaaargh':

• HUNT NAKED WOMEN. Travel to St Petersburg and shoot naked Russian chicks with paintballs. "Also during our September tour, We can arrange for you to drive a Russian Tank, Fly a Mig or even shoot a bazooka." It is for real? Who knows? But it's entertaining.

• This is a great picture of President Bush and the Pope

• Great upskirt from Charlize Theron

• 5000 pound marsupial once co-existed with humans.

• Giant Star Seen Swallowing Planets. Comic geeks: insert Galactus joke here. Movie geeks: insert Brando joke here.

• Chalkboards are out. Teachers have been ordered to cover them up. Students' desks are no longer to be arranged in rows.Teachers shouldn't lecture from the front of the classroom. Are those rules from some spacy new-age private school in New England or California? Nah - those are the new rules for New York City public schools.

• A slithery serpent has made history by becoming the first snake to be born with two heads.

• According to this article, on the beach, in the sea and in bed, this movie will show Gwyneth Paltrow as we have never seen her before, playing tormented poet Sylvia Plath with a sexuality bound to take her fans by surprise.

• Which political figure looks most like Skeletor?

• World's Oldest Genitals Found in Scotland, under a relatively new kilt. Write your own Sean Connery joke here.

• San Francisco 49ers cheerleaders

• Mouseketeer incest

• 'Bring your own pot' cafe to open in Montreal

• Guess the Dictator or Sit-Com Character? Addictive game!

• Anakin Skywalker to have a 70s hairstyle in Episode 3

Other crap archives. May also include newer material than the ones above, since it's sorta in real time.

Click here to submit a URL for inclusion in Other Crap

PIRATE COUNTDOWN:

• TalkLikeAPirate.com
• TalkLikeAPirateDay.com

• Top 10 Pirate Pick-Up lines "Prepare to be boarded"

UPDATES:

• Updates volume: Nikki Cox.

MOVIE REVIEWS:

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Lawdog or Junior or C2000 or Realist or ICMS or Mick Locke, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

"Fetishes"
This 1996 documentary takes us through Pandora's Box, a house of bondage in New York.

All different types of fetishes are explored in the film, but the segments with Jessie and Maria focus on torture, slavery, and piercing.

Strange film, but weirdly interesting. :-)

• "Jessie" topless while tied up and tortured
• "Maria" breasts, bush and some real freaky stuff.

Sad Celeb News...from the NY Post Gossip section

September 18, 2003 -- MILLIONS of men are set to be sorely disappointed.

Talks with supermodel Heidi Klum to have a spread in Playboy have irreparably broken down.

"Playboy offered Heidi $1 million three months ago to be on the cover and do a spread," a source said. "Heidi has never been photographed nude before and for $1 million, she was interested." But Klum had some demands. She insisted on a female photographer - Playboy agreed to hire French female snapper Dominique Isserman - and black and white photos. "The talks broke down late last week because Heidi insisted on a black and white cover. Playboy said that wouldn't sell, so she walked away from the deal."

Meanwhile, Klum, who has been dating aging Italian stallion Flavio Briatore, was seen Monday night at 3 a.m. cozying up to her Chili Pepper ex, Anthony Kiedis, in the Mercer Hotel lobby. A rep for Klum declined comment. A Playboy rep said: "Of course Playboy has spoken to Heidi. Right now there are no plans for her to appear in the magazine." The monthly will have to settle for Daryl Hannah - who will grace the November cover as a surfer and punk rocker. "I just thought 'What the hell,' " Hannah told the London Sun.

BLAINE'S BOX ATTACKED
Penn Gillette? - The barrage of abuse aimed at David Blaine as he fasts for 44 days in a box dangling over the River Thames in London took a worse turn early Tuesday when a man attacked the box and tried to cut the water tube and the cord holding it. It swung violently before guards subdued him. It caused one paper to ask random people why the English are reacting so negatively to Blaine's stunt. Respondents said that it's a stupid bid for attention; other people have fasted longer so it's meaningless; it's just a guy in a box, not a magic trick; and that Americans tend to say "Why not?" to such stunts, but the British say, "Why?"