Fallo (2003)

Part 1, episode "Alibi"

Fallo is the latest movie from Tinto Brass, the czar of Italian medium-core erotica. The Tint-man is 73 now, and directed his first film in 1963, but is still up to his old tricks. This particular effort is a collection of six short stories. Today's story is Alibi, and our erotic star du jour is Sara Cosmi.

Zipped .avis

• Sara uses an electric toothbrush for a makeshift vibrator.

• Sara at the gynecologist.

• Sex scene, Sara on top.

• Sara in her hotel room, being spied on by the room service clerk.

• Sara and her boyfriend are joined by the room service dude for a three-way. This is not quite hard-core, but walks the line.

Ellie Parker (2001-2005):

Ellie Parker began its life as a crude sixteen minute DV film shown at Sundance in 2001, starring Naomi Watts as an aspiring Hollywood actress from Australia, which is basically what she was at the time. Never let it be said that Naomi is disloyal or a bad sport, because when the director of this project wanted to expand it to a full-length film, Naomi agreed to do it, even though she was in the process of becoming a star for real, in such films as I Heart Huckabees, Mulholland Drive, 21 Grams, The Ring movies, and King Kong. In between her zillion dollar projects, she took time out here and there to help writer/director Scott Coffey finish his no budget DV film. She even did a wild bathtub sex scene and showed her pubes while talking a whizz on camera.

I wish I could tell you that her efforts were worth it, but the sad truth is that nobody would ever have paid any attention to this visual equivalent of a garage band album, except that it happened to star Ms. Watts. With her, however  ...  Well, imagine if your home movies featured Nicole Kidman naked. I suppose somebody would find them interesting. Same general idea here. She's not only famous, but she's a good actress and she delivers a mercurial performance as she shifts from character to character and travels from audition to audition.

The film quality is about at the home movie level. Normally, when I make a statement like that, I mean it is almost as bad as a home movie. Not in this case. When I say "about at the home movie level", I mean "almost at the quality of a decent home movie." It is below the quality of a good student film. Steve Rhodes of internetreviews.com wrote, "The cinematography for ELLIE PARKER is off-the-scale bad. Some movies are best seen on the big screen, but ELLIE PARKER, with its grainy, jagged and over-exposed images, would probably look best when viewed on a cell phone."

There's even worse news. First, the cinematography is further polluted by a weak DVD transfer filled with interlacing problems and motion blur. Second, the cinematography is stronger than the script - if there was a script. A lot of this looks improvised. As a short it must have had six minutes of reasonably entertaining footage surrounded by ten minutes of crap - not such a bad ratio. As a feature, it still has the same six minutes of footage, except that it is now surrounded by 90 minutes of crap, meaning that the laughs show up about as frequently as Godot.

It is a VERY low C-, meaning that it is worthwhile only if you want to see Naomi ham it up. If it starred an unknown, or anyone of less stature than Naomi, it would be an F.

Here is the film clip (zipped .wmv), which is actually pretty sexy. The captures, which are less impressive, follow.

 

Naomi Watts

 

Other Crap:

Three new pics from Superman Returns!

Possible "Surprise" Endings to the New Samuel L. Jackson Film, Snakes on a Plane.

No rappers killed today! But it's early. (To feed your craving, the link goes to an update on yesterday's slaying.)

"U.S. PLANNING TACTICAL STRIKE AGAINST SEYMOUR HERSH" ... Tiny Nukes Poised to Hit New Yorker Scribe's Laptop

Flat Screen TV? Dude, that is so 1958.

Child Sees Hardcore Porn On Public Access TV

One crazy-ass Hockey brawl

A sad find by the Smoking Gun: Flight 93 Hijack Transcript

Dave Chappelle: Speed Fucker

It's hard out there for a pimp - especially when said pimp unwisely charges a martial arts expert.

• Yeah, that's cute and all, but I have a friend who is a resident physician, and he tells me that the most frequent injury he treats in the emergency room is hand-to-hand combat experts with their kneecaps blown off by handguns. First rule of life in Texas: never bring your hands to a gunfight. Second rule: EVERY fight in a tough neighborhood is a gunfight. Third rule: if you wear a cute little white martial arts outfit and assume a fighting stance, you're gonna end up like that guy in Raiders of the Lost Ark, so save that shit for the dojo.
• The good news: knife wounds are not as common as they used to be in emergency rooms.

"Yacht maker sacks topless dinghy girls" ... with pictures of their ... er ... dinghies.

Turbonique: The Real Acme

Letterman: "Top Ten Little Known Facts About Dick Cheney"

• Enjoys reading his grandson excerpts from shady defense contracts
• In 1994, underwent a failed sneer-reduction procedure
• His undisclosed location is a Hooters in San Antonio
• Loves the elderly -- well, shooting at them
• His approval rating is now lower than his number of heart attacks

Another new clip from The Notorious Bettie Page

A new clip from Hard Candy

• "A smart, charming teenage girl, Hayley probably shouldn't be going to a local coffee shop to meet Jeff, a 30-something fashion photographer she met on the Internet. But Hayley's ready to have fun, and soon she's mixing screwdrivers at Jeff's place and stripping for an impromptu photo shoot. It's Jeff's lucky night - until his vision blurs and he passes out. Turns out Hayley isn't as innocent as she looks after all. In fact, she has a lot on her mind. Like getting Jeff to confess to his penchant for teenage girls, and to what he did to Donna Mauer, the girl who disappeared from Jeff's favorite coffee shop. When Jeff awakens, he's tied to a chair. If he doesn't cooperate, Hayley has something to help him along--a little surgical procedure she picked up on the Internet. All she needs is an ice pack. And a knife."

"OSAMA MOVES TO 'THE VIEW'" ... TV's Game of Musical Chairs Continues

"Muhammad Ali, one of the world's most recognized people, has sold 80 percent of the marketing rights to his name and likeness to a firm for $50 million"

Another great scoop by Latino Review - a script review and animatics for Spy Hunter!

 

 

Movie Reviews:

Yellow asterisk: funny (maybe). White asterisk: expanded format. Blue asterisk: not mine. No asterisk: it probably sucks.

Hot Boyz (1999)

Hot Boyz is not business as usual for a gangsta rapper film. The most obvious difference is that the rapper (Silkk the Shocker) starts off as practically an altar boy. He wins his black belt in martial arts, and is in love with a sweet, beautiful college-bound girl from a good family. He has yet to make it in music so he hangs with his home boys, which is one of the reasons his girl's mother doesn't approve of him.

The film opens with a spectacular car chase, and the rest of the film is a flashback. When Silkk's girl happens upon a dying police officer, she is arrested and charged with murder one. Further, the cop who actually committed the murder is after her. Silkk, to spring her, goes to work for detective Gary Busey to infiltrate the local gang. When his girl is beaten to death in prison, he decides to get even with the law by forming his own gang, all of which leads to a showdown among his gang, the police, and the other major crime organization in town.

In another genre departure, there is female nudity. I have noticed that modern black actresses do not take their clothes off, even in erotic thrillers and erotic romances, even having sex in those movies. I can only speculate that it is an evolutionary problem, and modern black actresses lack nipples or something. At any rate, they handled the problem in this film by bringing in a gratuitous Caucasian woman, Lorissa McComas, to show her breasts. The scene is not important to the plot. She asks to see Busey, to convince him that she shouldn't have been arrested for prostitution, and shows him her party strip act.

IMDb readers say 3.5. It went direct to video. I found it marginally watchable, and give it a C-.

Lorissa McComas

Victoria Zdrok has made quite the career as a clothing removal professional...first as a Hefmate, then as a Pet and now as an explicit model on web and screen. All these clips come from a strip-and-wiggle extravaganza entitled Satin Smoke.  A triple-B performance for Dame Victoria.

Zipped .avis

(1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 ,9, 10)

Tuesday, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad made a nationally televised speech and said that "with the blessings of God," "I formally
declare that Iran has joined the club of nuclear countries."  As his audience shouted, "Allahu akbar!" ("God is great!"), he claimed that Iranian scientists
had for the first time successfully enriched uranium, a major step to developing nuclear fuel.  But he still insisted that Iran doesn't aim to develop nuclear weapons.  

*  They need nuclear power plants because Iran might run out of oil in 10,000 years. 

Italy's most famous porn star, Cicciolina, offered to end terrorism by giving herself to Osama bin Laden. The 55-year-old blond porn icon said she's ready to make a deal because Osama has killed thousands of innocent people, while "my breasts have only ever helped people."  She noted that she offered herself to Saddam Hussein in the '90s if he'd give up his dictatorship in Iraq, and if he'd agreed, "who knows what might have happened?"  

*  No answer yet from Osama, but Saddam says he's changed his mind. 


 
Agents from the Los Angeles Department of child services paid a visit to Britney Spears and Kevin Federline's home.  It's not known whether it was about Britney driving with their unsecured baby son Sean on her lap or a Star tabloid claim that he'd fallen from a high chair and suffered a minor skull fracture.  But US Weekly said it was a "political necessity" due to the publicity; Spears and Federline were notified of the visit well in advance;
and so far, no reports have been filed.

*  They couldn't determine whether the baby had suffered brain damage or he just takes after his father.