Part 1, episode "Alibi"
Fallo is the latest movie from Tinto Brass, the czar
of Italian medium-core erotica. The Tint-man is 73 now, and directed
his first film in 1963, but is still up to his old tricks. This
particular effort is a collection of six short stories. Today's story
is Alibi, and our erotic star du jour is Sara
Ellie Parker (2001-2005):
Ellie Parker began its life as a crude sixteen minute DV film
shown at Sundance in 2001, starring Naomi Watts as an aspiring
Hollywood actress from Australia, which is basically what she was at
the time. Never let it be said that Naomi is disloyal or a bad
sport, because when the director of this project wanted to expand it
to a full-length film, Naomi agreed to do it, even though she was in
the process of becoming a star for real, in such films as I Heart
Huckabees, Mulholland Drive, 21 Grams, The Ring movies, and King
Kong. In between her zillion dollar projects, she took time out here
and there to help writer/director Scott Coffey finish his no budget
DV film. She even did a wild bathtub sex scene and showed her pubes
while talking a whizz on camera.
I wish I could tell you that her
efforts were worth it, but the sad truth is that nobody would ever
have paid any attention to this visual equivalent of a garage band
album, except that it happened to star Ms. Watts. With her, however
... Well, imagine if your home movies featured Nicole Kidman
naked. I suppose somebody would find them interesting. Same general
idea here. She's not only famous, but she's a good actress and she
delivers a mercurial performance as she shifts from character to
character and travels from audition to audition.
The film quality is about at the home movie level. Normally, when
I make a statement like that, I mean it is almost as bad as a home
movie. Not in this case. When I say "about at the home movie level",
I mean "almost at the quality of a decent home movie." It is below
the quality of a good student film. Steve Rhodes of
internetreviews.com wrote, "The cinematography for ELLIE PARKER is
off-the-scale bad. Some movies are best seen on the big screen, but
ELLIE PARKER, with its grainy, jagged and over-exposed images, would
probably look best when viewed on a cell phone."
worse news. First, the cinematography is further polluted by a weak
DVD transfer filled with interlacing problems and motion blur.
Second, the cinematography is stronger than the script - if there
was a script. A lot of this looks improvised. As a short it must
have had six minutes of reasonably entertaining footage surrounded
by ten minutes of crap - not such a bad ratio. As a feature, it
still has the same six minutes of footage, except that it is now
surrounded by 90 minutes of crap, meaning that the laughs show up
about as frequently as Godot.
It is a VERY low C-, meaning that it is worthwhile only if you
want to see Naomi ham it up. If it starred an unknown, or anyone of
less stature than Naomi, it would be an F.
Here is the film clip (zipped
.wmv), which is actually pretty sexy. The captures, which are
less impressive, follow.
Three new pics from Superman Returns!
Possible "Surprise" Endings to the New Samuel L. Jackson Film, Snakes on a
No rappers killed today! But it's early. (To feed your craving, the link
goes to an update on yesterday's slaying.)
"U.S. PLANNING TACTICAL STRIKE AGAINST SEYMOUR HERSH" ... Tiny Nukes Poised
to Hit New Yorker Scribe's Laptop
Flat Screen TV? Dude, that is so 1958.
Child Sees Hardcore Porn On Public Access TV
One crazy-ass Hockey brawl
A sad find by the Smoking Gun:
Flight 93 Hijack Transcript
Dave Chappelle: Speed Fucker
It's hard out there for a pimp - especially when said pimp unwisely charges a
martial arts expert.
- Yeah, that's cute and all, but I have a friend who is a resident
physician, and he tells me that the most frequent injury he treats in the
emergency room is hand-to-hand combat experts with their kneecaps blown off by
handguns. First rule of life in Texas: never bring your hands to a gunfight.
Second rule: EVERY fight in a tough neighborhood is a gunfight. Third rule: if
you wear a cute little white martial arts outfit and assume a fighting stance,
you're gonna end up like that guy in Raiders of the Lost Ark, so save that
shit for the dojo.
- The good news: knife wounds are not as common as they used to be in
"Yacht maker sacks topless dinghy girls" ... with pictures of their ... er
Turbonique: The Real Acme
"Top Ten Little Known Facts About Dick Cheney"
- Enjoys reading his grandson excerpts from shady defense contracts
- In 1994, underwent a failed sneer-reduction procedure
- His undisclosed location is a Hooters in San Antonio
- Loves the elderly -- well, shooting at them
- His approval rating is now lower than his number of heart attacks
Another new clip from The Notorious Bettie Page
A new clip from Hard Candy
- "A smart, charming teenage girl, Hayley probably shouldn't be going to a
local coffee shop to meet Jeff, a 30-something fashion photographer she met on
the Internet. But Hayley's ready to have fun, and soon she's mixing
screwdrivers at Jeff's place and stripping for an impromptu photo shoot. It's
Jeff's lucky night - until his vision blurs and he passes out. Turns out
Hayley isn't as innocent as she looks after all. In fact, she has a lot on her
mind. Like getting Jeff to confess to his penchant for teenage girls, and to
what he did to Donna Mauer, the girl who disappeared from Jeff's favorite
coffee shop. When Jeff awakens, he's tied to a chair. If he doesn't cooperate,
Hayley has something to help him along--a little surgical procedure she picked
up on the Internet. All she needs is an ice pack. And a knife."
"OSAMA MOVES TO 'THE VIEW'" ... TV's Game of Musical Chairs Continues
"Muhammad Ali, one of the world's most recognized people, has sold 80 percent of
the marketing rights to his name and likeness to a firm for $50 million"
great scoop by Latino Review - a script review and animatics for Spy Hunter!
Yellow asterisk: funny (maybe). White asterisk: expanded format.
Blue asterisk: not mine. No asterisk: it probably sucks.
Hot Boyz (1999)
Hot Boyz is not business as usual for a gangsta rapper film. The most
obvious difference is that the rapper (Silkk the Shocker) starts off as
practically an altar boy. He wins his black belt in martial arts, and is in
love with a sweet, beautiful college-bound girl from a good family. He has yet
to make it in music so he hangs with his home boys, which is one of the
reasons his girl's mother doesn't approve of him.
The film opens with a spectacular car chase, and the rest of the film is a
flashback. When Silkk's girl happens upon a dying police officer, she is
arrested and charged with murder one. Further, the cop who actually committed
the murder is after her. Silkk, to spring her, goes to work for detective Gary
Busey to infiltrate the local gang. When his girl is beaten to death in
prison, he decides to get even with the law by forming his own gang, all of
which leads to a showdown among his gang, the police, and the other major
crime organization in town.
In another genre departure, there is female nudity. I have noticed that
modern black actresses do not take their clothes off, even in erotic thrillers
and erotic romances, even having sex in those movies. I can only speculate
that it is an evolutionary problem, and modern black actresses lack nipples or
something. At any rate, they handled the problem in this film by bringing in a
gratuitous Caucasian woman, Lorissa McComas, to show her breasts. The scene is
not important to the plot. She asks to see Busey, to convince him that she
shouldn't have been arrested for prostitution, and shows him her party strip
IMDb readers say 3.5. It went direct to video. I found it marginally
watchable, and give it a C-.
Victoria Zdrok has made
quite the career as a clothing removal professional...first as a Hefmate, then
as a Pet and now as an explicit model on web and screen. All these clips come
from a strip-and-wiggle extravaganza entitled Satin Smoke. A triple-B
performance for Dame Victoria.
* La vida secreta de las palabras:
- Sarah Polley x5c
* The Simian Line:
- Cindy Crawford x8c
* Keep Your Distance:
- Jenny McShane &
Kim Raver x18c
Pat's comments in yellow...
Tuesday, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad made a nationally televised
speech and said that "with the blessings of God," "I formally
declare that Iran has joined the club of nuclear countries." As his audience
shouted, "Allahu akbar!" ("God is great!"), he claimed that Iranian scientists
had for the first time successfully enriched uranium, a major step to developing
nuclear fuel. But he still insisted that Iran doesn't aim to develop nuclear
* They need nuclear power plants because Iran might run
out of oil in 10,000 years.
Italy's most famous porn star, Cicciolina, offered to end terrorism by giving
herself to Osama bin Laden. The 55-year-old blond porn icon said she's ready to
make a deal because Osama has killed thousands of innocent people, while "my
breasts have only ever helped people." She noted that she offered herself to
Saddam Hussein in the '90s if he'd give up his dictatorship in Iraq, and if he'd
agreed, "who knows what might have happened?"
* No answer yet from Osama, but Saddam says he's changed
Agents from the Los Angeles Department of child services paid a visit to Britney
Spears and Kevin Federline's home. It's not known whether it was about Britney
driving with their unsecured baby son Sean on her lap or a Star tabloid claim
that he'd fallen from a high chair and suffered a minor skull fracture. But US
Weekly said it was a "political necessity" due to the publicity; Spears and
Federline were notified of the visit well in advance;
and so far, no reports have been filed.
* They couldn't determine whether the baby had suffered
brain damage or he just takes after his father.