Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)

I'm your host for today. Junior has the night off, and will return tomorrow. Got a great day today.

  • 20 new Encyclopedia volumes.
  • Tuna has the first DVD caps of Valentino
  •  I managed to find a Region 2 DVD of the rarely-seen Female Perversions, and these are (as far as I know) the first DVD caps from that movie as well.
  • And as a bonus, Almodovar's new film is now on Region 1 DVD


Talk to Her (2002):

I don't have anything to add to C2000's excellent review of Almodóvar's Talk to Her, except these thoughts:

1. Almodóvar is a refreshingly warm blast of compassion in a cold and jaded world. While many filmmakers try to find the ugliest side of people and events which seem beautiful on the surface, Almodóvar does the opposite. He tries to find the beauty in the ugliest deeds and the worth of society's lowest rejects, thereby revealing the essential commonality of human behavior across castes and classes, among life's winners and losers. Even if he were not so good at so many other things, we should treasure the great Spanish director simply for possessing such a generous heart in an often miserly world.

2. Although Almodóvar won two Oscars for this film, the film won only one minor Goya (the composer won for best musical score), and the director did not win any for himself. He did not get the Goya for best screenplay, best director, best picture or best cinematography.


  • Elena Anaya ( 1, 2 )
  • Leonor Watling ( 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 )


Female Perversions (1996):

This is one fucked-up, pretentious movie, one of those washed-out digital video things filled with symbolism, dream sequences, people wearing masks, and other arty bullshit. There are visible boom mikes in at least two scenes. Elya walked by while I was watching it, saw two women falling ever downward into the depths of a crucifix-shaped swimming pool, and said "let me guess. A women directed it."


Interesting question - what is the best movie ever directed by a woman?

I also had to take off points because it did not have any evil dwarfs - not even in the dream sequences - a clear violation of the Code of Pretentious Movie Conduct.

Having said that, I should add that it is in the major leagues of female celebrity nudity, and it features some fairly well-known actresses who have not gotten as naked elsewhere. Although women created the film, Zalman King produced it, so you know it will be filled with cheesy eroticism. On the other hand, Tilda Swinton is not my concept of a hot babe. With her giant extruded ears, angular face, and lifeless hair, she always reminds me of that kid who played Alfalfa on The Little Rascals. But I've found that there is a woman for every taste, so if you want to see Alfalfa nekkid and transexual, here's your big chance. To be serious for a second, she is a good enough actress that she managed to be quite sexy in a lot of scenes.

Well ...sorta sexy.



  • New volumes (20): Frances Raines, Rie Rasmussen, Sheeri Rappaport,  Andrea Rau, Natacha Regnier, Tara Reid, Denise Richards, Katja Riemann, Julia Roberts, Amy Rochelle, Sacha Rochelle, Kate Rodger, Katherine Ross, Charlotte Ross, Isabella Rossellini, Jennifer Rubin, Keri Russell, Betsy Russell, Regina Russell, Rene Russo
  • Updated volumes (1): Isabelle Adjani


Other crap:

Here are the latest movie reviews available at

  • The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
  • If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
  • A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Lawdog or Junior or C2000 or Realist or ICMS or Mick Locke, or somebody else besides me)
  • If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.


Valentino (1977) is a Ken Russell biopic about the last decade of Rudolph Valentino's life, which encompasses his entire film career. Valentino is unique in that he had a very short career, died young, and, as a silent film star, none of us have heard him speak. Thus we know Valentino the silent legend, but not the man. Rudolph Nureyev was a perfect casting choice for the title role, as he looked somewhat like Valentino, was a dancer (Valentino started as a dancer), and wanted to get into acting. He was not always at ease delivering lines, but then, Valentino never delivered any lines to a camera, so that worked anyway. Where Nureyev shown was on the dance floor, and this film had enough songs and dance numbers to be termed a musical. The film is freely adapted from Valentino, an Intimate Exposé of the Sheik by Robert Chartoff.

Russell did not have a lot of material to work with here, so he did what Ken Russell frequently does, that is, fill the screen with over the top characters, and a regular barrage of color. Oh, and did I mention nudity? We have full frontal from two famous women, both in well lit and lengthy scenes. The first is Michelle Phillips of Mamas and Papas fame, who plays his second wife. While I never met her, her father was my watch partner in the merchant marines, and I have fond memories of sitting with him in Cantina Metropole in Panama and drinking 10 cent glasses of Balboa Cervesa. The part of a leading lady that Valentino has sex with over the lunch break in his bungalow to squelch rumors that he was gay is played by Penelope Milford, who is probably best remembered as the hippy teacher in the cult teen angst classic, Heathers. A host of other women I enjoy also appeared in the film, but stayed dressed, such as Leslie Caron and Carol Kane.

I was lucky enough to find this DVD at my favorite on-line seller in Northern Ireland in an All_Region PAL, which IMDB has not heard about as yet. In searching the Fun House archives, it looks like someone capped the VHS version several years ago, but these are, to the best of my knowledge, the first DVD caps anywhere. IMDB readers have this at 5.8 of 10, with only 82 voting. The film is a great introduction to Valentino, and a very colorful portrayal of Hollywood in the 20's, but is rather uneven and a little long at 128 minutes. The nudity and sex was strong enough to earn an 18+ in the UK. Even though this is a 4/3 transfer, the color saturation, and general condition of the film is outstanding. Based on plot alone, this is probably a C-, but with the nudity and production values, it is a C+.


  • Thumbnails ( 1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
  • Michelle Phillips ( 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16 )
  • Penelope Milford ( 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41)
  • Hankster
    'Caps and comments by Hank:

    Well after almost a week of computer problems we are finally back. A short trip today back to 1998 and Carmen Electra in "The Chosen One: Legend of the Raven". First off we find Carmen in the first 3 caps  as a "Babe in Bondage", then some cleavage and some shots of milk being poured over breasts ( probably a body double). In the next to last cap somebody help me out , is that what I think it is in her hand ? The last cap is just a little leg in a slit skirt.

    Pat Reeder
    Pat's comments in yellow...

    Germany's H&M fashion chain advertised swimwear by putting up 750 ad posters of Heidi Klum in a bikini.  They were stunned when within hours, all of them were either stolen by horny fans or vandalized by feminists.  Some culprits smashed plastic or glass cases to get to them, doing thousands of dollars worth of damage.  The store is now giving away the posters in an effort to stop their advertising from being stolen.

    *  Won't work: people will steal them so they can have two.

    *  Hey, most of those feminists WERE horny fans!

    *  The fashion advertising department never anticipated this... They're all gay.


     The Terra Noticias Populares newspaper reports that a woman in Lapao, Brazil, was so upset when her husband told her he wanted a divorce, she slipped sedatives into his fruit juice and cut off his penis while he was unconscious.  He woke up, realized he was injured, and got to a hospital to have sewn back on.  However, he told police he didn't want to press charges because "she was really stressed out."  He said, "I understand her and will not put her through more stress."

    *  So for God's sake, don't anyone tell her about his mistress!

    *  I can see why she'd be upset at losing this guy...Most men wouldn't be half that understanding.

    *  If she's under stress, she might lose her job at Benihana.

    *  He still loves her because she keeps him in stitches.


    A blind man who has a seeing-eye miniature horse named Cuddles was flying from Boston to Chicago to do the Oprah Winfrey
    show when Cuddles had a bowel movement in the first class cabin.  The crew had to do extensive cleaning and air out the plane after it landed.

    *  It was so bad, some of the passengers were willing to open the windowsat 50,000 feet.

    *  This usually only happens with Jerry Springer's guests.

    *  This hasn't happened in first class since the last time Courtney Love flew.

    *  Why would someone have a seeing-eye horse?  Were they out of seeing-eye hippopotamuses?


    The Parents Television Council released its annual "State of the Industry" report Tuesday, which shows there has been a nine percent drop in sexual content on TV, particularly in the first two prime time hours.  "Sexual content" is defined as nudity, innuendo, suggestive comments or jokes and references to specific sexual acts.  PTC president L. Brent Bozell said, "For years, conventional wisdom in Hollywood had it that 'sex sells,' and therefore, the more of it, the better.  But ratings data and survey results prove that's not true."

    *  In a related story, network TV viewership is at an all-time low.

    *  Once the characters on "Friends" got married and had a baby, half the sex on prime time stopped.

    *  This report was compiled by people who do nothing but watch TV, looking for sex.

    *  The producers of "Extreme Makeover" want to know if it's okay to show body parts as long as they're really ugly?


    Michael Jackson made a surprise visit to his congressman's office in Solvang, California, by bursting in wearing a Spiderman mask and asking an aide, "How come Solvang doesn't have any fast food restaurants?"  When told that Solvang is a quaint village modeled after Denmark, but there was a Subway, the disappointed Jackson said he loved Taco Bell, then took off his mask and apologized for the disturbance.  He signed autographs and sped off in a Bentley to a Taco Bell in the next town.

    *  Poor Michael is one taco short of a combo plate.

    *  I thought he preferred McDonald's: they have kiddie playgrounds.

    *  The aide didn't recognize him until he took off the Spiderman mask and revealed the regular mask he always wears.

    *  Nothing congressmen love more than weirdoes in masks suddenly bursting into their offices during a High terrorism alert.