CrissCross (1992) is now on DVD. The good news is that it features Goldie Hawn, but the bad news is that it is a serious role rather than a comedy, and is my least favorite of her films. She is the mother of a 12 year old living in the Florida Keys. Her ex husband was a Naval Aviator who lost it in Nam when he accidently bombed a children's hospital, and is now caretaker at a monastery. She waitresses by day, and tends bar at night to make ends meet, and jumps at the chance to strip rather than tend bar because of the extra money.

Her son does many jobs, such as paper route, pool cleaning, and picks up fish from a shrimper in his motorboat and delivers them to a restaurant. It is this last job that sets the plot in motion. After discovering that his mom is stripping, he also discovers that one of the fish in his delivery is full of cocaine, and concocts a plan to sell it so his mother won't have to strip. Naturally, he approaches the two hippest guys on the beach for the sale, and they turn out to be narcs.

Goldie is seen in her strip act in a g-string and pasties. The pasties are fairly large, but the g-string shows her buns completely. IMDb readers have this at 4.9 of 10. There was nothing wrong with Goldie's performance, but I feel her time is much better spent doing comedy, and the film is rather predictable. C-.

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  • Goldie Hawn (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12)

    "Galactic Gigolo"

    Galactic Gigolo (1988) is one of the worst films I have ever seen. It opens to a game show on a far away world populated by intelligent vegetables. The Grouch Marx carrot is the host, and a broccoli (in one of the worst costumes imaginable) is the winning contestant. So tell him what he won. Why, a two week stay in the horny woman capital of the universe, Providence Connecticut. He is disguised as a sleazy porn director or something, and his goal is to sleep with every woman in town the during the two weeks. He attracts some unwanted attention in his silver jump-suit, and holds a press conference.

    From that point on, he is accompanied by a female reporter who wants to write a book about is vacation, and a nerd photographer, and is being chased by a family of Jewish rednecks shit shovelers, and a stupid Mafia gang who want him to use his ability to shape shift to help them rob banks. Much of the film is endless chases through the woods. We do see breasts from three 80s scream queens, Ruth Collins as Dr. Ruth Pepper (get it? Dr. Pepper. How hilarious), and Karen Nielsen and Lisa Patruno enjoying a post-coital hot tub and being interviewed.

    "Did you have multiple orgasms?"

    "I think so, but i had the hick-ups and I have trouble telling the difference between hick-ups and an orgasm."

    IMDb readers have this at 2.8 of 10, and I can't imagine why it is not much lower. This is an F.

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  • Nielson Patruno (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)
  • Ruth Collins (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10)

  • Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)

    Presumed Innocent (1990):

    Presumed Innocent is a Hollywood thriller, but not a typical one. There are no chase scenes, nor explosions, nor gunshots, nor screaming, nor violence, nor outrageous red herrings. As thrillers go, it is the diametric opposite of Wild Things. If Wild Things were a pair of shoes, it would be bright red pumps with five inch stiletto heels. If Presumed Innocent were a pair of shoes, it would be some comfortable old Hush Puppies.

    The plot concentrates on the procedural elements of a murder mystery, beginning after the murder has actually been committed. Harrison Ford plays a straight-arrow prosecutor whose boss, an elected D.A., assigned him to the investigation of one of their fellow prosecutors, a seductive and opportunistic female lawyer who had been using her sexual wiles to advance her career. Coming in the middle of a re-election campaign, the case has the potential to be politically lethal to Harrison's boss, hence to Harrison himself, who is the hand-picked number two man in the office.

    Ol' Indiana Jones tried to turn the case down, primarily because he was humping the living bejeezus out of the victim, despite his marriage to another woman. Worse than that, the victim had recently dumped Indy, thus making it reasonable to considered him a likely suspect. As the case developed, he was more than just a possible suspect. He was eventually brought to trial for the crime, at which point he really found out who his friends and enemies were. Some of the people he trusted turned against him for reasons which seemed insufficient. Some people who considered him an enemy turned out to be allies. Some people were loyal to him because they believed in him, and others remained loyal even though they thought he was guilty.

    The trial progressed on the basis of standard court procedure, which ultimately neither proved nor disproved anything, as is typical in real courtrooms, where the matter of one's actual guilt or innocence is often less important than whether the police handled the evidence correctly, and who in the case is connected to whom. Indy's colleagues, the detectives, even the judge, lined up for and against him for reasons pretty much unrelated to whether he did it.

    To make matters far more complicated, the victim in the case was not only Indy's lover. In her sexual march to the top of her profession, she had crossed genitals with just about everyone in the history of the legal system, from Hammurabi to Hamilton Burger, including Indy's boss, as well as many other lawyers and judges related to this particular case.

    The plot revelations in the film are managed so that we are not sure of Indy's innocence, and if he didn't do it, we're not sure who might have. The ultimate explanation was interesting and appropriate. I'll give it a solid "yes" on my minimum requirements for a thriller: (1) I didn't predict the outcome, but (2) I was satisfied with the explanation, and (3) I might have figured it out if I had really paid attention to all the details.

    Of course, those three criteria are merely the screening elements. The really important criteria with any type of film are interest and satisfaction. This film meets my expectations. I never thought of reaching for the fast forward because I got interested in what was developing and I didn't want to miss any details. It's a quiet film, but I stayed glued to the plot and got involved in the political machinations of the characters. I liked the fact that the thriller plot was atypically carried by quiet acting, a somber tone, and a minimum of hysteria and flamboyance. The characters are reasonably interesting, although the film concentrates more on procedure than on character development. If you like your thrillers filled with slam-bang action and lurid sex and violence, this isn't for you, but if you'd like to see a thoughtful insider's view of the legal system (the author of the source novel is lawyer Scott Turow), you just might want to give this one a look.

    • Greta Scacchi (1, 2, 3)


     .wmv film clips

    • Here is Charlie's capture of gorgeous Leonor Varela in Les Infortunes de la Beauté. She is very beautiful, and very naked.
    • Here is the Rebecca Romijn nude scene from Godsend. I don't think you'll see this in the theaters, because the film has been rated PG-13. Who knows, you may never see it on the DVD. It might get lost forever, like some of Charlize's footage in Cider House Rules, so enjoy it whilst you can.



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    Here are the latest movie reviews available at

    • The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
    • If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
    • A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
    • If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.


    Words from Scoop.

    .avi's from Shiloh.

    .wmv files made by Scoop from Shiloh's .avi's.


    Two mighty sad movies:



    Perhaps these tips will help if you have trouble with the codecs for these movies:

    Shiloh says:

    FYI when I hypercam vids to make the file size smaller I use DivX MPEG-4 Fast-Motion for the video compressor, then I use virtualdub to compress the audio. The properties for the vids says the video codec:  DivX Decoder Filter & audio codec:  Morgan Stream Switcher which I'm not familiar with. When I compress the audio with virtualdub I use MPEG Layer-3.  A friend of mine told me about compressing the audio about (6) mos. ago. Like I said previously, only been capping for a year & a half & I'm no expert. Hopefully this info will help members with the proper codecs for my vids.
    When I cap big brother's I use hypercam mostly & sdp & asfrecorder if the set up allows me. I stopped using camtasia cause the file sizes were always too big, could never figure out the process, over my head lol, plus it cost too much to buy in my opinion.

    A reader says:

    You mentioned that some users were having trouble with the videos on your site. There is a tool designed to determine what codec is needed for a video. Hope this is useful to you or your users.

    Scoop says:

    I made the .wmv versions of each video. The codecs for these: Windows Video V8, Windows Audio 9. The upside of these is that you know the codecs, and they'll play in the Windows Media Player. The downside is that they are slightly larger, and slightly lower quality.

    Vejiita takes a quick look at the ultimate slasher showdown movie...."Freddy Vs. Jason" (2003).

    'Caps and comments by Dann:

    Imagine you're a psychiatrist in a prison for the criminally insane, and one day you wake up in institution you've worked at, accused of a horrible murder, and with no memory of the last several days. Halle Berry is the psychiatrist in this 2003 thriller/mystery/ghost story that almost but not quite lives up to it's promise.

    As she struggles do ascertain her own sanity, our psychiatrist also has to cope with ghosts that keep appearing to lead her to the unexpected solution to the mystery. The last 5 minutes of the flick has several surprises.

    Halle Berry did a great job, and I enjoyed the movie, but at the end I just felt slightly shortchanged it was good without being great, and I suspect that other viewer's opinions will be all over the place on this one.

    Jordan Ladd Flautista serves up another early look at Ladd topless in scenes from "Club Dread". Due out on DVD May 25th.

    Christina Ricci Ricci topless in "Prozac Nation"....'nuf said.

    Erin Daniels "The L Word" co-star topless in a scene from the Robin Williams movie "One Hour Photo" (2002).

    Jolene Blalock
    (1, 2, 3, 4)

    Here's an excellent recap by Mkone of the sexy Vulcan's near nudity highlights from "Enterprise".

    Anna Kournikova
    (1, 2)

    The "tennis player" barely dressed and looking gorgeous at a red carpet photo op.

    Eliza Dushku DeadLamb 'caps of Dushku showing some cleavage and pokies during an appearance on "The Late Late Show with Craig Kilborn".

    Halle Berry Halle in the scene that took her from hot babe to big league star. Halle topless in "Swordfish" (2001).

    Kimberley Kates Full frontal (and fully shaved) nudity in scenes from the grade Z movie "Armstrong" (1998). You may remember her as 'Princess Elizabeth' in the 1989 classic "Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure".

    Melanie Griffith Pre-implant toplessness, plus some rear nudity in scenes from the 1986 movie "Something Wild".

    Tanya Roberts
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)

    Joan Severance
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)

    Two wonderfully topless Fun House favorites in scenes from the 1992 movie "Almost Pregnant". 'Caps by the Skin-man.

    Pat Reeder
    Pat's comments in yellow...

    You're Hired - Last night on a two-hour live edition of "The Apprentice," Donald Trump fired Harvard MBA Kwame Jackson and hired Bill Rancic, a Chicago entrepreneur who built up his own Internet cigar business. Rancic won a $250,000-a-year "dream job" working for Trump and a convertible. Trump gave him the choice of overseeing the development of a golf course in L.A. or the building of a skyscraper in Chicago, and he picked the skyscraper.

  • I'm sure lots of people will want to live on top of a skyscraper built by a cigar salesman who won a reality show.
  • He wins a convertible, then picks Chicago over L.A.? I'd fire him for THAT!
  • Rancic turned down the prize when he discovered it also included free sessions with Trump's hairstylist.
  • It was two hours of nail-biting suspense, at the end of which the black guy was passed over for the job.

    The Hole Story - Hawaiian Airlines is having a problem: donut overload. It's a Hawaiian custom to bring gifts home when you travel, and Krispy Kreme has only one store so far, near the Maui airport. So before residents of other islands head home, they are stocking up on Krispy Kremes. It's to the point that overhead bins are overloaded with boxes of donuts, and passengers sometimes bring so many, they can't even fit them onto the planes.

  • So the passengers eat them...and then THEY can't fit onto the plane.
  • Hawaiians are eating so many donuts, I'm amazed the planes can take off...Hell, I'm amazed the islands aren't sinking!
  • Aside from pot, this is also what the police found on Ruben Studdard's tour bus.

    Champions Down A Lotta Donuts - Wednesday in Chicago, Terry O'Brien of Lake Geneva, Wisconsin, downed 9 1/2 donuts in three minutes to win the Dunkin' Donuts World Cop Donut Eating Championship for police officers. O'Brien said he felt destined to win because his father was also a cop and Wednesday was his birthday, although he's now deceased.

  • There's a shocking piece of news.
  • He choked on a donut.
  • His dad is deceased, and Terry is working on it.

    They Lose! They Lose! - Fox Sports claims that an insider offered an explanation for why the Dodgers have won their early games. Shawn Green reportedly brought the new CD by "American Idol" loser William "She Bangs" Hung into the locker room, and every time he's played it, the team won. But after his teammates complained, he didn't play it on Sunday...and the Dodgers lost.

  • See? Winning requires pain, endurance, self-sacrifice...
  • After hearing that CD, they're raring to go out and hit something with a baseball bat.
  • William Hung is such a black hole of talent that he sucks all the loser vibes out of the Dodgers.