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"Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers"

Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers (1988) has been sitting on my to-do shelf for months, and I was in the mood for a cult classic today. This Fred Olin Ray film certainly qualifies. Made on a budget of $23k, it was shot with borrowed rented equipment in borrowed studios, and has become Ray's signature work. The title, of course, is a take-off on the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, but the film was always intended to be a comedy, and, if there is a moral, it is to practice safe sex, in that the hookers murder men they lure home with their chainsaws. Told in the style of a detective noire thriller, it is full of corny lines, and naked women. So, with a unique premise, a noir style, and lots of naked women, it shouldn't have come as a surprise to Ray that it became enormously popular, and has been translated into several languages.

The story is that of a religous cult, strange even by LA standards, that sacrifices victims to their Egyptian God using sacred chainsaws. Jack Chandler (Jay RIchardson) is a private eye hired to find Linnea Quigley, who has run away from home. Turns out that she is bent on revenge, as the cult killed her best friend. CHandler ends up in the cult case up to his neck.

Six women show at leasts breasts, including an unknown fire eater, Michelle Bauer as one of the hookers, Linnea Quigley as the only nice girl in the film, Esther Allen as a hooker, Michelle Bauer as a hooker, and Susie Wilson as the bitch girlfriend of the private dick. Bauer shows full frontal, and most of the women show at least a hint of buns.

IMDB readers score it 4.0 of 10. Clearly, those voting don't see the value of a film that never aspired to greatness, but has become a cult favorite because it entertains far more than most films in the low budget horror/comedy arena. This film appeals to those who don't usually like horror films, and is probably a high C+.

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  • Esther Alise (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14)
  • Fire Eater (1, 2, 3, 4)
  • Linnea Quigley (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18)
  • Michelle Bauer (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13)
  • Susie Wilson (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)
  • Tricia Burns (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10)

    "Lexx: The Net"

    Lexx: The Net (Season 2, Number 5, 1998) starts with Xenia Seeberg with her back to the camera during the opening credits. We get one clear shot of her right breast, and several partial peeks as well. Brian Downey walks in on her, supposedly looking for his hat, and tries to hit on her. This is not my kind of show, and I fast forwarded through most of this DVD, but Seeberg is always worth seeing, naked or dressed. I suppose the genre is TV sci fi, and this is a good, fairly low budget example, and so is a C.

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  • Xenia Seeberg (1, 2, 3, 4)

  • Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)

    Mad Dog and Glory revisited. I saw this frame in the encyclopedia, and tried to find it on the DVD. Well, I found it, but it is sure a lot less sexy without being able to see the shape of Uma's full breast. (It's a letterboxed widescreen DVD, not anamorphically enhanced.)

    Jason X is not related to Malcolm X. He's the kid from the bottom of the lake at summer camp, back for a tenth time. This time he's defrosted on a spaceship in the year 2455, and their futuristic technology turns him into Uber-Jason. It is every bit as good as it sounds. It is so bad that Pulitzer Prize winning author Roger Ebert, a man who has a sophisticated grasp of the English language, and who is usually a thoughtful author, began his column with these words from the film itself, "This sucks on so many levels". He was not only accurate, but generous.

    • Kate Penaflor (1, 2, 3) and Tania Maro. I don't know much about Kate and Tania, but I really enjoy their brothers, H.M.S. Penaflor and "Bone" Maro.

    Enough is that J-Lo movie which is pretty much the exact same movie as Sleeping With The Enemy, which wasn't any good to begin with. Here's today's tip for you criminal youngsters:  don't steal anything unless its really worthwhile to begin with.

    • J-Lo (not naked, but nice braless shots) (1, 2, 3)



    • New Encyclopedia volumes for Valentina Cervi, Joan Collins, Julia Brendler, Sondra Locke, Candy Clark

    Other crap:


    Here are the latest movie reviews available at

    • The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
    • If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
    • A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Lawdog or Junior or C2000 or Realist or ICMS or Mick Locke, or somebody else besides me)
    • If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

    Graphic Response
  • Jamie Lee Curtis, her wonderful toplessness in "Trading Places", now available on DVD!

    Be sure to pay Graphic Response a visit at his website.

  • Hankster
    'Caps and comments by Hankster:

    The seventies brought us some strange sick movies and "The Toolbox Murders" was one that really sticks out in that genre. So we take a look at Marianne Walter better known as Kelly Nichols, who after this 1978 flick went on pursue a career in porn films. Today we start out with scenes of Kelly in her tub and then the intruder shows up with his nail gun. Tomorrow we show you the results of this mayhem.

    Heather Graham
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23)

    Kudos to Señor Skin for this excellent batch of 'caps of Heather nudity from "Killing Me Softly". The movie so bad MGM disowned it, and only barely released it some parts of Europe. As for the goods...lots of excellent breast exposure, a bit of bum in link #6, a hint of pubes in link #14, and some freaky sex in links 19, 20, and 21.

    Sydne Rome
    (1, 2, 3)

    Topless and rear nudity in the 1974 French film, "Il faut vivre dangereusement", by DeVo.

    Mia Kirshner The Canadian actress showing some partial breast exposure in the FOX series "24". A very nice collage by Dann featuring scenes from last season.

    Nina Hoger Topless and full frontal nudity in scenes from "Marleneken" (1990), by UC99.

    Sophie Marceau A fantastic tribute collage by ZonononZor. The French actress posing nude in B&W.

    Pat Reeder The Comedy Wire
    Pat's comments in yellow...

    BUSH ORDERS DOCK LOCKOUT ENDED Sittin' On The Dock Of The Bay - Tuesday, President Bush invoked his power to end a lockout and order longshoremen on the West Coast back to work for 80 days. They've let unloaded cargo pile up until produce was rotting, it threatened Christmas shopping, and it was costing the economy a billion dollars a day. Analysts warned that these "cooling off" periods have never worked: instead of using the time to reach agreement, union reps and management just get madder and stop work again when the 80 days are up.

  • But at least they'll have 80 days to unload a new shipment of crowbars to beat each other with.
  • Only one thing cools off longshoremen: hookers.
  • In fact, working 80 days then taking 80 days is off is what the union wants for a vacation policy.
  • If we can't get a huge shipment of crap from Taiwan, we can't have Christmas.

    Udderly Unscrupulous - The Milwaukee Journal Sentinel reports that some cattle breeders have started giving their cows "bovine boob jobs" to help them win cow beauty pageants. They are injecting gas or liquid silver protein into the cows' udders to make them look bigger, less wrinkled and of equal size. The University of Wisconsin-Madison has developed a way to detect the cheating with ultrasound. One dairy farmer said udder size is 40 percent of a pageant's score because "that's where your livelihood comes from."

  • So it's just like being a contestant in a human beauty pageant.
  • This is a technique pioneered by Anna Nicole Smith's plastic surgeon.
  • This is also how they make fast food milkshakes.
  • The cows don't get extra points for wearing high heels, but some of the farmers just kinda like it.


  • Miss America 2003 Erika Harold says pageant officials ordered her to stop promoting sexual abstinence to teens...They're afraid it'll catch on, and the contestants won't sleep with them anymore.

  • Renee Zellwegger refused to gain weight again for a "Bridget Jones" sequel, so the script has Bridget being held in a Thai jail to explain her weight loss...To explain why she's as skinny as a Hollywood actress, they'll have to set it in a concentration camp.