Thursday

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To see and use all the Funhouse features, you need Netscape 6.+ or MSIE 5.+.

• Netscape 7.0 is available free for download or on CD.
• MSIE 6.0 is available free.

Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers (1988) has been sitting on my to-do shelf for months, and I was in the mood for a cult classic today. This Fred Olin Ray film certainly qualifies. Made on a budget of $23k, it was shot with borrowed rented equipment in borrowed studios, and has become Ray's signature work. The title, of course, is a take-off on the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, but the film was always intended to be a comedy, and, if there is a moral, it is to practice safe sex, in that the hookers murder men they lure home with their chainsaws. Told in the style of a detective noire thriller, it is full of corny lines, and naked women. So, with a unique premise, a noir style, and lots of naked women, it shouldn't have come as a surprise to Ray that it became enormously popular, and has been translated into several languages.

The story is that of a religous cult, strange even by LA standards, that sacrifices victims to their Egyptian God using sacred chainsaws. Jack Chandler (Jay RIchardson) is a private eye hired to find Linnea Quigley, who has run away from home. Turns out that she is bent on revenge, as the cult killed her best friend. CHandler ends up in the cult case up to his neck.

Six women show at leasts breasts, including an unknown fire eater, Michelle Bauer as one of the hookers, Linnea Quigley as the only nice girl in the film, Esther Allen as a hooker, Michelle Bauer as a hooker, and Susie Wilson as the bitch girlfriend of the private dick. Bauer shows full frontal, and most of the women show at least a hint of buns.

IMDB readers score it 4.0 of 10. Clearly, those voting don't see the value of a film that never aspired to greatness, but has become a cult favorite because it entertains far more than most films in the low budget horror/comedy arena. This film appeals to those who don't usually like horror films, and is probably a high C+.

Mad Dog and Glory revisited. I saw this frame in the encyclopedia, and tried to find it on the DVD. Well, I found it, but it is sure a lot less sexy without being able to see the shape of Uma's full breast. (It's a letterboxed widescreen DVD, not anamorphically enhanced.)

• Uma Thurman

Jason X is not related to Malcolm X. He's the kid from the bottom of the lake at summer camp, back for a tenth time. This time he's defrosted on a spaceship in the year 2455, and their futuristic technology turns him into Uber-Jason. It is every bit as good as it sounds. It is so bad that Pulitzer Prize winning author Roger Ebert, a man who has a sophisticated grasp of the English language, and who is usually a thoughtful author, began his column with these words from the film itself, "This sucks on so many levels". He was not only accurate, but generous.

• Kate Penaflor (1, 2, 3) and Tania Maro. I don't know much about Kate and Tania, but I really enjoy their brothers, H.M.S. Penaflor and "Bone" Maro.

Enough is that J-Lo movie which is pretty much the exact same movie as Sleeping With The Enemy, which wasn't any good to begin with. Here's today's tip for you criminal youngsters:  don't steal anything unless its really worthwhile to begin with.

• J-Lo (not naked, but nice braless shots) (1, 2, 3)

Updates:

• New Encyclopedia volumes for Valentina Cervi, Joan Collins, Julia Brendler, Sondra Locke, Candy Clark

Other crap:

• Remember when you were a kid and you used to play Operation? The 21st century version is a lot more fun for older boys.

• Kristin Davis of Sex and the City, admits to alcoholism. Article includes a bare breast. Now that's good journalism! (The Sun, of course)

• More good journalism. Gwyneth Paltrow says Brazilian Bikini wax "changed my life". The name of the article is "Defluffing the muff"

• Mr Spock releases his book of nudie pics

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Lawdog or Junior or C2000 or Realist or ICMS or Mick Locke, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

The seventies brought us some strange sick movies and "The Toolbox Murders" was one that really sticks out in that genre. So we take a look at Marianne Walter better known as Kelly Nichols, who after this 1978 flick went on pursue a career in porn films. Today we start out with scenes of Kelly in her tub and then the intruder shows up with his nail gun. Tomorrow we show you the results of this mayhem.

• Kelly Nichols, all 3 B's (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11)

BUSH ORDERS DOCK LOCKOUT ENDED Sittin' On The Dock Of The Bay - Tuesday, President Bush invoked his power to end a lockout and order longshoremen on the West Coast back to work for 80 days. They've let unloaded cargo pile up until produce was rotting, it threatened Christmas shopping, and it was costing the economy a billion dollars a day. Analysts warned that these "cooling off" periods have never worked: instead of using the time to reach agreement, union reps and management just get madder and stop work again when the 80 days are up.