Tuesday

Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)

Party Animal (1984):

Party Animal was a low budget attempt to cash in on the early 80s craze for raunchy youthploitation films, specifically raunchy Canadian youthploitation films. Porky's, also Canadian, was made in 1982; Porky's II came out in 1983; Party Animal is dated 1984.

Although the story takes place somewhere in the northern United States, the protagonist, Pondo Sinatra, is a 26 year old college freshman from Alabama. He is such a complete hayseed that he was dropped off for school in his overalls by a turnip truck. You may be wondering how such a rube got into college in the first place, or why he thought he would enjoy life in the Ivy League. I can't answer the first question, but the answer to the second is evident. He loves him some northern poontang. He just goes crazy over those beautiful rich girls - "rich" being defined in Pondo's lexicon as meaning "with all their teeth." Pondo just dreams of nookie night and day.

As a mid-twentyish, balding college freshman with all the manners of a barnyard animal, yet without the accompanying intelligence, Pondo's chances of scoring with Ivy League women are about the same as my chances of getting the lead in a Gene Kelly biopic. His handsome BMOC roommate (named Studly) takes Pondo under his wing, but our hero is such a complete yokel that even Studly's expert ministrations can provide him no relief from virginity. He cries out in desperation that he would sell his soul to Satan for the ability to get laid.

As it turns out, Satan hangs around Pondo's campus, and is more than happy to oblige. The Dark One, in the disguise of a seriously hot babe, prompts Pondo to make an inadvertent but serendipitous flub in Chemistry class, the by-product of which is a secret love potion. Pondo uses it, and goes from never getting laid to getting laid instantly with every women he meets. (Oh, that Satan - evil, but fun!)

Pondo then realizes that always getting laid is even worse then never getting laid. As is Satan's wont, he has provided one of those twisted, overly literal, Monkey's-paw, wish-fulfillment things that he always provides instead of just providing simple customer satisfaction. Lucifer could learn a lot from Nissan. I'll bet if he would just get a reputation for holding up his end of the deal without any tricky stuff, he could double Hell's market share of souls.

How does it all end? Well, you'll just have to watch it if you must find out. I'll tell you that the ending is a genre-buster in that Pondo does NOT come to the usual happy Hollywood ending, but then again you won't really care because Pondo is a complete douchebag.

Party Animal isn't a good movie, but it could have been. The two male stars are reasonably competent. The girls are pretty, have nice bodies, and are not ashamed to show them in good light. The photography is pretty decent. The basic concept is good, several ideas are very funny, and the characters treat surreal situations as if they were perfectly normal, so the film has a sense of humor similar to Better Off Dead. The musical score features some of the best alternative album-oriented rock of the 80s, from The Fleshtones, The Buzzcocks, R.E.M. and The Untouchables.

So why didn't it work?

My theory centers around three areas: editing, identification, and anonymity.

First of all, the editing in this film is just plain confusing. About ten times during the film, I had a thought that went something like this, "WTF is this? Oh, I see, the previous scene is finished. I wasn't expecting that. Wasn't it in the middle of something? Oh, maybe not. Now what's going on here? Who the hell are these characters?"

Second, I didn't like Pondo, so I didn't care whether he ever got laid or not. A minor rewrite could have fixed this problem by making him less of an obnoxious redneck bumpkin and more of a sweet naif. By the way, this was the one and only film appearance from the guy who played Pondo, who looks like Greg Kinnear in a Steven Wright wig. He is now Dr. Matthew Causey, an assistant professor at Georgia Institute of Technology, and a guest lecturer in drama at Trinity College in Dublin. Here is a scholarly essay he wrote on Mapping the Dematerialized: Writing Postmodern Performance Theory.
 

Third, I just didn't know who anyone was. Studly and Pondo are defined, but all the girls are anonymous and interchangeable. The film could have worked if it had taken the time to establish distinct personalities for three to six girls, showed them rejecting Pondo, then showed them later as they went nuts over Pondo. As it plays out now, Pondo gets rejected by some anonymous chicks, then scores with some anonymous chicks, some of whom look like the same chicks, others ... eh, not so much.

In my opinion, those three reasons sum up why Porky's is a treasured raunchy classic and Party Animal is nothing more than a time capsule which was buried in the early 80s.

Unknowns

Prime Cut (1972):

I reviewed Prime Cut a couple of weeks ago. It's the whole wacky sausage factory cum human slavery thing with Lee Marvin and Gene Hackman, a typically idiosyncratic 70s drama. One reader wrote in to request a movie clip of Sissy Spacek's frontal nude scene, so here ya go.

  • Zipped .vob, 14 meg. (If you have a software DVD player on your computer, this is absolutely what you want. Large file, but perfect DVD quality.)

  • Zipped .wmv, 2 meg. (If you can't play DVDs on your computer, then this is the alternative.)

 

4 Inches (2005 book):

This is book of naked women photographed by other women and assembled with a foreword by Elton John. Sir Elton conceived this as a way to make money for his foundation to combat AIDS in Africa.

A few notes:

  • Lara Flynn Boyle is obviously posing specifically for Hankster.
  • There are two things about Arielle Dombasle that make her special. First of all, there are no other 47 year old women who look like that - not Kim Basinger, not Mimi Rogers, not anyone. Second, she is the only woman I can name who is married to a famous philosopher. (Her husband is Bernard-Henri LÚvy.)

Rosanna Arquette Lara Flynn Boyle Arielle Dombasle Anne Heche

Maila Jones Kelis Kelis Jane Leeves

 
Rebecca Romijn Rebecca Romijn Elsa Zylberstein

Hankster

'Caps and comments by Hankster:
 

Head of the Family (1986)

Today we get away from the big boobs, but we do have bare breasts, bush and a combination of 'Hankster Light" and a "Babe in Bondage".

 
It was short trip back in the Time Machine to 1986 for I guess what you might call a horror flick. From "Head of the Family" which is about a creepy family whose leader is just that a "Head" with no body.

OK, the good part is Jacqueline Lovell showing it all in lovemaking scenes and then being captured, becoming our "Babe in Bondage" when she is strung up and stripped totally naked, then threatened with being burned alive.

Not to worry - she is rescued.

The Crimson Ghost

Carlito's Way (1993)

The ol' Scarlet Spectre presents Penelope Ann Miller

And here are the zipped .wmv files to go with the caps.
Stakeout (1987)

Next on the docket for the Red Wraith: Madeleine Stowe showing a perfect bottom

And here are the zipped .wmv files to go with the caps. (1, 2). The first is 1.5 meg, the second about 5 meg.

Dann

Comments and caps by Dann:

Alien 3000 (2004)

Call it Alien 3000, or call it Unseen Evil 2, because this 2004 direct-to-video Sci-Fi was released under both titles, but either way, call it Bad.

The story is a fairly typical Sci-Fi alien slasher plot: Alien stuck on this planet for 3000 years (or 300...take your pick as the movie mentioned both numbers) is disturbed in his cave as he guards his gold (yeah, that wasn't really explained but he's got a bunch of gold). He's waiting for his friends so they can kill all the earthlings and take over the planet.

When people stumble onto the cave, and predictably find and take the gold, our alien friend kills them. Since he's invisible to our eyesight (naturally), survivors don't know who or what did the killing, only that the killer slashed and beheaded the victims.

Although he got star billing, Lorenzo Lamas was relegated to about 10 minutes of screen time, 5 of which were spent in the front cabin of a helicopter he was co-piloting. The set looked nothing like a helicopter, however, and I suspect it was resurrected from an old submarine movie. For example, all the helicopters I've seen and been in (several) didn't have steering wheels, they had control sticks, but Lorenzo's had a wheel, and a panel of tasty square white lights flashing behind the pilots. It reached a level of lameness you rarely see, even in a B-movie.

Here's a suggestion for you. Watch Elizabeth Hayden Grace's three minutes of boobie-flashing (at the very beginning of the movie, fortunately), then turn this utter trash off and watch some Simpson re-runs.

 

Elizabeth Hayden Grace

Se˝or Piel

Young Gods (2003)

Jenni Banerjee in a Finnish film

 

L'immueble (1994)

Sophie Broustal in a French TV drama

DÝas de boda (2002)

A Galician drama featuring Comba Campoy ...

and Pilar Saavedra

Variety

 "Entourage"

Bail Ling, naked but revealing nothing in Sunday's episode

 

Tuna

Tuna's condition is stable. Nothing new to report. If you'd like to get in touch with him, his email address is tuna@scoopy.com

Movie Reviews

MOVIE REVIEWS:

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

 

  • The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
  • If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
  • A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
  • If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

 

Pat Reeder www.comedy-wire.com

Pat's comments in yellow:

BAND DEMANDS BEAUTY QUEENS BACKSTAGE

What Garbage! - While opening for Garbage at a rock festival in Serbia, the Finnish rock group Apocalyptica had a rider put in their contract demanding that all of this year's Miss Serbia beauty pageant contestants be in their dressing room.  They also requested stamped postcards so they could write home.  A concert spokesman said they invited the girls, but couldn't guarantee they'd accept, and he didn't know why the band wanted the postcards, unless they wanted to tell their moms about the girls.

*  No...their dads.
*  It's because they're such good boys!
*  These were rock musicians: the girls planned to be in their dressing room anyway.
*  That's nothing: Van Halen used to demand 50 Miss America contestants to help remove brown M&Ms from their candy dish.

 

TBS TO PAY IF YOU DON'T LAUGH AT PAULY SHORE'S SHOW

Or Kill Yourself And Collect The Insurance - Pauly Shore has a new reality show called "Minding the Store" in which he'll manage his mom's famous comedy club, the Comedy Store, and TBS is offering the first money-back guarantee for a TV show.  They're advertising that if you don't laugh, they'll send you a dollar.  Claims will be on the honor system.  The offer ends on August 15 or after 250,000 dollar bills have been mailed out, whichever comes first.

*  Oh, the money will be gone by Tuesday.
*  To get your dollar, send a claim form plus $1.50 for shipping and handling.
*  Does it count as laughing if you crack up at the idea that you'll laugh at Pauly Shore?
*  Well, they finally found the perfect job for Pauly Shore: licking envelopes.

 

MADONNA's AUTHORSHIP QUESTIONED

The New York Post's Page Six claims that Madonna's children's books, such as "Lotsa de Casha," were actually written by Eitan Yardeni, the official ghostwriter for the Kabbalah Center

* And I thought Scientology was the only church with a resident ghostwriter
* Eitan was paid lotsa de casha to keep quiet about this
* Madonna's too busy making bad movies to write bad books.

Other Crap

Two new clips from the comedy documentary, The Aristocrats
 

Two trailers and some R-rated clips from the arty sleazefest 9 Songs.

 

Eight clips from The Island

 

URL says it all: HeavenIsForSale.com


Movie execs fear that the release of the new Potter book will destroy this weekend's box office.

 

I love the title of this book. "How Cliches, Weasel Words and Management-Speak Are Strangling Public Language."

 

Conan does his latest segment of "If They Mated"

 

Documentary Looks at Mantle's History. It will concentrate on the period before and after his storied playing days.

 

"Hello Martha, I was just wondering if you could really die from picking your nose?"

 

Headline says it all: "Sauerkraut Wrestling Proposed For Lawmakers"

 

"Lojban: The Logical Language"

 

Short Wave Espionage. "Mysterious broadcasts, usually of a mechanised voice reading numbers, happen each day at around 3-12MHz. Nobody has any proof of their purpose, although espionage is the most popular theory."

 

BaitCar.com | Bait Cars Are Everywhere. Steal One. Go To Jail.

  • Submitter wrote: "This is apparently a big thing in Vancouver, Canada. Cops place a car out in the city as bait for potential thieves. If someone gets in, video cameras start filming in the car, and local cops are alerted of the theft. The certain arrest makes interesting viewing."
 

Defiance Films Announces The World Series of Sex Contest

 

Oh, no! Say it ain't so, Joe. Meet the Parents 3: Meet the Little Focker
 

Yoga for regular guys, featuring that Zen Master, Diamond Dallas Page.

 

Rubber Bracelet Wristbands and Rubber Bracelet Watches. The submitter wrote: "This rubber bracelet craze started out a year ago with a good cause (the Lance Armstrong Foundation). Now everybody has them! When is the Fun House bracelet coming out?"

 

Hugh Grant and Jemima Khan Make Love In Public View: "HUGH GRANT and his girlfriend JEMIMA KHAN were reportedly so keen to share their passion for each other, they had rampant sex in full view of their stunned neighbours."

  • I'm glad to see Hughie is back in top form. Like Dennis Rodman, his antics are always entertaining, and I always miss those two guys when they maintain a low profile.

 

"MASSIVE GOVERNMENT COVER-UP! MOON DOOMED!" "It will explode within 6 months! Thousands of lunar fragments will smash into Earth." This report is filed from the "Austin Briggs Air Force Base," which is an obscure joke by the Weekly World News. Austin Briggs is the guy who drew the Flash Gordon comic strip.

 

Bert's Quarter Shrinking Gallery. At last, a real purpose for science. Seriously, this is pretty damned fascinating. These guys have one of the world's strangest hobbies: coin-shrinking.

 

The Prostitution Pictures

 

Wedding Crashers - an interview with Owen Wilson

 

How to make your own washable menstrual pads

 

Japan facing a critical shortage of fake priests.

 

"Scientists have injected human brain cells into monkey fetuses to study the effects." So far, the only effect is that all the monkeys have applied to get that money-back refund from Pauly Shore.

 

Actress-Singer Frances Langford Dies at 92.: "Frances Langford, whose steamy rendition of 'I'm in the Mood for Love' captivated soldiers stationed overseas on Bob Hope's tours during World War II, died Monday. Her most famous role may be as the insufferable wife Blanche opposite Don Ameche on the popular 1940s radio comedy, The Bickersons."

 

Prince Albert to become the head honcho. He could have avoided getting that stewardess pregnant if he had taken her anally, but then he would have had to listen to all those "Prince Albert in a Can" jokes.

 

Britney Spears is pregnant in her new music video, which must be about the worst one I've ever seen. And I've seen several of Neil Young's. One of my favorite MTV shows of all time was when Weird Al Yankowic did "The Videos I want to see," which was the worst ones he could find. I wish they would bring that show back.

 

Linklater discusses Bad News Santa Bears.

 

Headline of the day from an unlikely source: The New Scientist. Robot hand performs remote breast checks. It's actually an excellent article about new techniques which allow highly specialized doctors to work around the globe without leaving their own offices.

 

This is a weird computer animation. You control a falling woman through maze of bubbles. The submitter wrote: "Weird, creepy but addictive falling woman animation. You can use your mouse to throw her about or pull her through tight spots etc."

 

Calgary Stampede - Cowboy Nickname Generator

 

Part 2 of "TOP 10 CHEESIEST AND MOST UNBELIEVABLE SEX SCENES"
 

 

"JOHNNY Depp says his portrayal of Willy Wonka is loosely based on eccentric billionaire Howard Hughes, not fallen pop star Michael Jackson."

 

"Shot on budgets ranging from $1 million to $2 million, Sci Fi's movies are made in money-saving locales like Bulgaria, Romania and Missouri."

  • OK, I have to tell a story which comes to mind because of that quote. I used to work for a large multi-national company, and like everyone in middle and upper management, I had to acknowledge with my signature that I had read and understood the company code of ethics. One of the points of the code was that "nobody in the company may bribe a public official." That's sensible enough, but there was a sub-point related to the niceties of doing business in certain parts of the world where one must pragmatically concede that it is simply not possible to operate a retail business without bribing public officials - places like Nigeria, Indonesia, and Chicago!!

 

Here are the video clips of that crazy-ass skateboarder leaping over the Great Wall of China

 

Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the links above, since it's sorta in real time.

Click here to submit a URL for Other Crap

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