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"Play-mates of the Apes"

Play-mates of the Apes (2002) is, obviously, a spoof on Planet of the Apes from Seduction cinema, featuring Musty Mondae, Anoushka, Sharon Engert, and Darian Caine, all of whom show everything. Perhaps the full script from the first 20 minutes is the best way to explain this offering.

Scene 1

Interior of spaceship. Anoushka and Sharon Engert wake up, and do girl-girl.

NOTE: no dialogue because Anoushka barely speaks English.

Engert pushes wrong button, ship spins out of control, and Mondae wakes up.

Scene 2

Cut to ship crashing in lake. Mondae, Anoushka and Engert emerge in bee-keepers outfits. They find stream, and strip. They do girl-girl while someone steals bee-keepers outfits. All three are captured by apes.

Scene 3

Monday and Caine are in cage together. Do girl-girl.

Scene 4

Mondae, Anoushka and Engert are on stage in ape strip club. Consensus is that humans have no soul because they are unable to dance. The three strip and try to prove them wrong.

Scene 5

Mondae, Anoushka and Engert in front of cage. Do girl-girl.

And so goes the film. It is nearly 90 minutes of girl-girl action, interspersed with short interludes of satire. Debbie Rochon plays an ape doctor who believes apes are descended from humans, and keeps her fur on the entire film, but tries to put the make on Mondae. The ape make-up was rather impressive, and there were a VERY few moments of humorous silliness. All in all, it is nearly non-stop mild lesbian sex among 4 women, the cute Mondae, and the robo-hootered Engert, Anoushka and Caine. In addition, there are nearly endless out-takes, interviews, behind the scenes, etc, adding up to more than 2.5 hours of clearly lit nudity. For what it is, it is well made, and delivers the exposure. C+

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  • Anoushka (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13)
  • Darian Caine (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)
  • Group Play (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28)
  • Misty Mondae (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15)
  • Sharon Engert (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17)

  • Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)



    Tuna talked about this last week. A horror film with very cool iconography, excellent aesthetics, and a suitably spooky, charismatic performance by the Dogg. It also has its flaws: a muddled plot, lack of characterization, muddled sub-plots, and kind of a completely predictable structure. On balance, I enjoyed it. It was kind of like the black, urban version of Friday the 13th.

    • Erin Wright. From these and Tuna's, you can see that the film's imagery was striking. (1, 2, 3)


    Here are the latest movie reviews available at

    • The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
    • If there is a white asterisk, it means that I inexplicably determined there might be something of interest.
    • A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Lawdog or Junior or C2000 or Realist or ICMS or somebody else besides me)
    • If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

    Ashley Judd Ashley getting it on in a hot sex scene with Luke Perry in scenes from "Normal Life" (1996). Directed by "Wild Things" director John McNaughton, this is actually a pretty decent Bonnie and Clyde style movie. I think it sat on the shelf for a while before landing on cable and video, but it's definitely worth a look.

    Charlotte Rampling
    (1, 2, 3)

    Once again, Rampling showing all 3 B's at the age of 40 in scenes from "On ne meurt que deux fois" aka "He Died with His Eyes Open" (1985).

    Florence Loiret-Caille
    (1, 2, 3)

    From "La Mécanique des femmes"" (2000). Frontal nudity in #1, topless in #2, upskirt in #3.

    Natacha Régnier Topless in scenes from "La Vie rêvée des anges" aka "Daydreams of Angels" (1998).

    Virginie Lanoué Topless in scenes from "Cantique de la racaille" (1998).

    Colleen Camp
    (1, 2)

    Baring her big'uns in a topless scene from "Apocalypse Now Redux". This scene did not appear in the original version.

    Herborg Kråkevik
    (1, 2)

    A single bare breast can be seen in these caps from the Norwegian movie "Det Største i verden".

    Assorted models
    (1, 2)

    A whole bunch of nekkid babes posing for the camera in scenes from the movie "Perfume".

    Thandie Newton
    (1, 2)

    Topless in scenes from "Gridlock'd" (1997). I have yet to see this movie, but I am curious in a "can't look away from a train wreck" sort of way. Here's why...

    The stars:

    Tupac Shakur
    Tim Roth
    Thandie Newton
    Charles Fleischer (aka the voice of Roger Rabbit and one of the least funny "comedians" ever)
    Howard Hesseman (aka Dr. Johnny Fever)

    It also stars and was directed by Vondie Curtis-Hall...the same dude that directed "Glitter"!


    Set the time machine to 1984 let's look and the Andy Sidaris movie that started it all..."Malibu Express"! Whenever you see Andy's name, you know it means gobs of quality nudity, often from Hefpersons.

    Darby Hinton who played the male lead has to be one of the world's worst actors, but it has to be worth a rental just for the female flesh.

    Today we feature Sybil Danning (one of my all time favorite B-Queens), Lorraine Micheals and Lynda Wiesmeier. Lynda was one of favorite "Babes in Bondage", to see gorgeous Lynda all tied up go back in the archives to November 24 and December 6,2001. More from "Malibu Express" tomorrow....

    • Lynda Wiesmeier showing off her big'uns. (1, 2, 3)
    • Sybil Danning, breast exposure in #2. (1, 2)
    • Lorraine Michaels gettin' it on in the shower. (1, 2, 3, 4)

    Melanie Gutteridge
    (1, 2)

    Very nice 'caps of the UK actress topless and bottomless (rear views).

    Joanne Guest Another Brit baring her breasts, and some close up thong views.

    Pat Reeder The Comedy Wire
    Here's an interesting story, but we do not have the tape. Even if we did, we would not run it.

    Yet another celebrity sex tape makes the Internet. Real or fake? You make the call!! From MTV News...

    A tape that allegedly shows R. Kelly engaging in sex with an underage girl, which is now under investigation by Chicago police, appears to have surfaced on the streets of New York and a number of Web sites.

    Though R. Kelly's lawyer has said that "no videotape of Robert Kelly having sex with an underage girl exists" (see "R. Kelly Proclaims Innocence In Teen Sex Scandal"), sites promising just that are offering downloads of the footage, sometimes for a fee, despite the fact that it could be stolen child pornography. R. Kelly's lawyer was unavailable to amend his earlier statement.

    The females on the tape making the rounds are unidentified, but the content of the footage in terms of setting and activities matches what has been described as the nearly 27-minute tape currently under investigation.

    Other footage also purports to show Kelly in compromising positions, with one Web site claiming to have 10 hours of material and boasting of access to still more.

    A spokesperson for one of the sites offering footage for free said the decision to post the material was for "journalistic purposes, to prove that the tapes do exist." Reps for a sex site charging $2.99 per download claim they're offering it to prove that it's not R. Kelly. "It's a fake tape," insisted Dennis Johnson of DH Industries. "I just put it up there to show that it's not him."

    Regardless of whether or not it's really Kelly, the material being downloaded is second- or third-generation footage from a tape that was likely stolen to begin with. Additionally, the identities of the female sex partners are not known nor their ages determined, though police are investigating claims that one of the girls depicted was 14 at the time of taping. Federal law prohibits the production, receipt, distribution, possession, transportation, mailing and advertising of any "visual depiction" involving the use of a child under 18 years of age in sexually explicit conduct.

    Yet another apparent Kelly sex tape surfaced this past weekend and is being sold on the streets of Harlem, New York, for $20 - about double what you would pay for a regular bootleg movie. This tape runs over 30 minutes and features two different segments of a man, who appears to be Kelly, having sex with two females of undeterminable ages in what looks like two different rooms in a house. A third segment shows two more females, one of whom is posing bottomless for the camera. All the parties involved seem to be aware they are being taped.

    "I ain't the police, so it's not up to me to judge," the vendor who is peddling the tape said. "Personally, none of the [girls] on the tape look young. We're selling it because it's him. We wouldn't care if the chick was 50 years old. [People] don't care about the girls ... they wanna see him."

    The vendor said he was given the tape by a "famous DJ," but did not know where the record-spinner got his copy. He didn't seem to care.

    "You look at it like this - they sell [R. Kelly's] CD in HMV for $18," he said. "He's been making money off of us, so what comes around goes around."

    For full coverage of R. Kelly, see "The R. Kelly Reports."

    -Jennifer Vineyard, with additional reporting by Shaheem Reid

    >From Neal Travis' column, NY Post...

    If I can offend grotesque old KISS frontman Gene Simmons, I must be doing something right. Simmons just faxed me a note denying he's planning a book featuring nude shots he's taken of the thousands of women he's slept with.

    "Yes, there were girls, lots of 'em," the 52-year-old writes. But, "I am not working on a book featuring nude photos of girls I have bedded," says the author of "Kiss and Make-up" (Crown). "Yes, the ladies do seem to line up for me," he adds. "Among them just might be your mommy. You never know."