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What do you get when you cross a frat exploitation film with a soft-core?....

"Assault of the Party Nerds II:" (1993)

How well does it work? IMDB readers have it at 2.5/10, which is way over-generous. We have several B bimbos who spend some time naked or scantily dressed, and the rest proving that they can't act or deliver lines at all. There are two sub-plots going on. In the first, an ex jock is trying to get his wife to sign her father's business over to him, so he can dump her and steal the company. Frankly, if Michella Bauer were my wife, I would also be trying to get rid of her, based on her performance here. One of her best friends, Linea Quigly, is trying to marry a rich man, and we see her in bed with several candidates. Look at the first image for a clear view of her breast implant scar. The lighting and camera angle are perfectly set up to emphasize it. The second sub-plot involves Artie Shaw of Laugh-In fame as a national fraternity director who is trying to save the local chapter of the nerd's fraternity.

I can honestly see no reason whatsoever to watch this DVD. It would have been better used for an AOL CD.

  • Thumbnails

  • Michelle Bauer (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
  • Linea Quigley (1, 2, 3)

    "Italian Movie" (1993)

    Italian Movie is one of those small releases from this week that nobody has ever heard of. It takes place in New York, where Nardo owns a pizza parlor, and lives with his mother, wife and daughter. Nardo's beautiful wife, Caprice Benedetti, loves buying clothes and looking good for her husband. Nardo's mother dotes on Nardo, and spends the rest of her energy hating her daughter-in-law, and her mother (Rita Moreno). Nardo has a gambling problem. He owes a local shark $14,000.00 in poker debt, and takes a job as a male escort to try and get out of debt.

    There are no on-line reviews, and Italian Movie is awaiting 5 votes at IMDB. The film is 2.5 to 3 stars -- worth seeing but not memorable. It has some genuinely funny moments, such as when Nardo is spanking a chubby female client, good art direction, and decent acting. Benedetti is attractive, talented, and takes her clothes off. This is a hard combination to beat. She has appeared in 8 films since, including Practical Magic. Rita Morena must be 6 years older than God, but still looks great. Benedetti shows her breasts in a blue-lit scene, and lots of skin elsewhere in the film.

  • Thumbnails

  • Caprice Benedetti (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)
  • Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)
    News of the day. The films du jour are
    1. From Tomcat...The Music Lovers, a 1971 film most famous for early full-frontal nudity from a distinguished actress (Glenda Jackson)
    2. Charlie's Angels. OK, you caught me., I actually paid to see it. Hey, it wasn't a bad time at all. But no nudity.
    3. Stiff Upper Lips. A 1998 genre parody of those Merchant-Ivory flicks about the British Empire. Not as funny as Remains of the Day
    4. Portraits Chinois. A pretty decent 1996 French film starring Helena Bonham Carter. (And she's not just English-speaking decor, either. She plays a French-speaking role)


    Charlie's site is updated

    And here's the smut

  • Glenda Jackson, "The Music Lovers" (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
  • Charlie's Angels (1, 2)
  • Georgina Cates, "Stiff Upper Lips"
  • Helena Bonham Carter, "Portraits Chinois"
  • Emmanuelle Escourrou, "Portraits Chinois" (1, 2)
  • Oz
    Comments by Oz:

    Martine Beswick
    (1, 2)
    Martine is the female part of Dr Jekyll and Sister Hyde. If the potion really worked as well as it did in this movie a lot of transsexuals would be very happy. Some nice topless action. The movie itself was okay but predictable.

    Layla Roberts
    (1, 2, 3)

    Patricia Velasquez
    (1, 2)

    Rhona Mitra

    From "Beowulf"...
    Layla Roberts is the pick of the actresses in this movie with some see-through action. She appeared a few weeks ago in the Fun House. I've added some caps to the original. Also, there is some non-nude, but nice, images by Patricia Velasquez and Rhona Mitra. Patricia only appears at the beginning and has good reason to look worried. She is about to be chopped in half by what can best be described as a giant cut-throat razor. I won't spoil the plot by telling you what happens to her.

    It was a weird film - a sort of martial arts Highlander.

    Jordan Ladd
    (1, 2)
    Jordan is the daughter of Cheryl Ladd, of the Charlie's Angels variety. In these caps we see some nice cleavage, certainly she has a bit more than her mother. They are probably fake. I guess the movie was made for video, understandably.

    Elizabeth Taylor and Mia Farrow Elizabeth and a very young Mia starred in Secret Ceremony. No nudity but some nice captures.

    Juliette Lewis
    (1, 2)
    Juliette was the 'Other Sister'. She played a girl who was quite a few kangaroos short in the top paddock - that explains some of the 'strange' facial expressions she appears to have. The caps are non-nude, just Juliette in her underwear. In the second cap she is about to lose her virginity to a boy who has the same shortcomings. Yes, that is the Joy of Sex she is reading so that she knows what to do. I didn't particularly like the movie but I thought that Juliette played her part very well.

    Carisa Glucksman

    Chloe Sevigny
    (1, 2)

    From "Gummo"...
    This is one of those arty-farty movies that some people will like - there's no plot I could fathom. Some of these caps have appeared before. In the scene Carisa Glucksman and ChloŽ Sevigny are sticking Gaffa tape (aka duct tape) on their tits. This is supposed to make them stick out. They found out that all it did was make them red. Amazing! ChloŽ is credited as designing the costumes - maybe she was tired when it came to this scene.

    Carol Grow Some pokies from the ubiquitous Wild On. I don't know what her claim to fame is, or why she was asked to host a segment, apart from the fact that she's silicone-filled as well.

    Marissa Ryan

    Margi Simmons

    From "With or Without You"...
    Marissa Ryan goes topless in this movie although the scene was a little dark. There is also a cap from Margi Simmons.

    Drew Barrymore
    (1, 2, 3, 4)
    Three hot ladies, 7 amazing desk top sized collages! My vote is for the collage of Sarah Jessica Parker.

    Leslie Bibb
    (1, 2)
    Sarah Jessica Parker
    Claudia Koll
    (1, 2)
    Italian babes is the Schmutzfink theme of the week.

    First up, topless scenes from 1995's "RiviŤre rouge".

    Laura Antonelli Breasts and bums. Vidcaps from 1972's "Dr. Popaul".

    Laura Morante Topless scenes from "Dov'Ť mio figlio".
    Rosalba Neri Very breif nipple exposure from "Dieci bianchi uccisi da un piccolo indiano" (1975).
    Jimmy the Saint
    Cathryn Harrison Topless 'caps of the UK actress. Not sure of the source.
    Charlotte Gainsbourg Another UK actress. This time in topless scenes from "Love, etc.".
    Jane Adams Topless 'caps from the very strange movie "Happiness".
    Pirelli Calendar Update
    Pirelli Models
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7,
    8, 9, 10, 11, 12)
    How about with the names this time!

    1) Gisele Bundchen
    2) Aurelia Claudel
    3) Karen Elson
    4) Rhea Durha
    5) Mariana Weickert
    6) Fernanda Tavares
    7) Angela Lindvall
    8) Ana Claudia Michels
    9) Lisa Winkler
    10) Noemi Lenoir
    11) Frankie Rayder
    12) Carmen Kass

    and ...
    Laetitia Casta
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)
    I think Blackshine is on a mission...for everyday that we can't decide on a President, he's going to send in great scans of Laetitia. Works for me!

    #1 is the pick of the litter by far.

    Sam Phillips
    (1, 2, 3)
    Two with excellent frontal views, and #3 with a fantastic posterior view, by Brainscan.
    Anna Falchi
    (1, 2)
    Always a pleasure to see Anna topless, even in B&W.
    Leather Spice Emma Bunton ("Baby Spice") all dressed up in black leather and showing a lot of cleavage. Vidcaps from the MTV Europe Video Awards, by Freakie.
    The Funnies by Number 6

    To the citizens of the United States of America, In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

    Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

    To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

    1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary".

    Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".

    2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.

    3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard.

    4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.

    5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

    6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.

    Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.

    7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "shit" which I am sure none of you know.

    8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

    9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

    10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

    Thank you for your cooperation,
    The United Kingdom

    Dr. Seuss Goes to Flori-duh

    Can we count them with our nose?
    Can we count them with our toes?
    Should we count them with a band?
    Should we count them all by hand?
    If I do not like the count,
    I will simply throw them out!
    I will not let this vote count stand
    I do not like them, AL GORE I am!

    Can we change these numbers here?
    Can we change them, calm my fears?
    What do you mean, Dubya has won?
    This is not fair, this is not fun
    Lets count them upside down this time
    Lets count until the state is mine!

    I will not let this VOTE count stand!
    I do not like it, AL GORE I am!

    I'm really ticked, I'm in a snit!
    You have not heard the last of it!
    I'll count the ballots one by one
    And hold each one up to the sun!
    I'll count, recount, and count some more!
    You'll grow to hate this little chore

    But I will not, cannot let this vote count stand!
    I do not like it, Al Gore I am!

    I won't leave office, I'm stayin' here!
    I've glued my desk chair to my rear!
    Tipper, Hillary, and Bubba too,
    all telling me that I should sue!
    We find the Electoral College vile!
    RECOUNT the votes until I smile!

    We do not want this vote to stand!
    We do not like it, AL GORE I am!

    How shall we count this ballot box?
    Let's count it standing in our socks!
    Shall we count this one in a tree?
    And who shall count it, you or me?
    We cannot, cannot count enough!
    We must not stop, we must be tough!

    I do not want this vote to stand!
    I do not like it AL GORE I am!

    I've counted till my fingers bleed!
    And still can't fulfill my counting need!
    I'll count the tiles on the floor!
    I'll count, and count, and count some more!
    And I will not say that I am done!
    Until the counting says I've won!

    I will not let this vote count stand!
    I do not like it, AL GORE I am!

    What's that? What? What are you trying to say?
    You think the current count should stay?
    You do not like my counting scheme?
    It makes you tense, gives you bad dreams?
    Foolish people, you're wrong you'll see!
    You're only care should be for me!


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