Sexbomb (1989) is an ultra-low budget spoof of B horror films, full of cliches, over the top performances, silly plot, cheap special effects and bad set design. It is the proverbial B movie within a B movie plot device, and probably the ultimate cliche is Linnea Quigley playing the part of a scream queen. The film was shot in 9 days, and many of the crew also played parts in the film. Total budget was around 100K, partially because they had free use of a small insert studio, and also because someone donated the raw film stock and processing in exchange for a Producer credit.

Robert Quarry is King Faraday, schlock B movie maker. He has Linnea under a six film or six week contract, whichever comes first. He is finishing I Rip Your Flesh with Pliers, when he discovers that Stuart Bentod has been hired as a subject matter expert, and fires him as a waste of money. Then Faraday's wife, played by ex Pet (April 1988) Delia Sheppard, decides to seduce Bentod, and get him to kill her husband, so she can inherit his money. When Faraday dies of a heart attack while Bentod is yelling at him, they decide they have to hide the body, as Faraday's will was as cheap as his pre-nuptial agreement. Before his death, he is talked into hiring Bentod to write his next masterpiece, Werewolves in Heat.

Quigley shows breasts several times in good light. Danish born Sheppard, who went on to a decent career in film and Vegas shows, showed everything. Three other women showed breasts in the course of auditions, and shooting the film within a film. They are Nancy Bridgeford, Monique De Anna, and Kim Scolari. Body builder Spice WIlliams is seen posing in a skimpy bikini.

IMDB readers have this at 2.2. The only reviewer, Joe Bob Briggs, only gives two stars. The photography is competent, and the DVD transfer is top notch. There are loads of special features, including audition footage, a making of featurette, and two full length commentaries. Yes, this is a bad movie, but is it entertaining? For my taste, yes. Some of the lines, and some of the physical humor got chuckles from me, the pace was good, and the plot, cliched as it was, kept me somewhat interested. Had it taken itself seriously, it would be a different story. but with "bad movie energy" going for it, it is a good genre effort. I will give this a C, as a bad movie. DOn't watch it unless you are in the mood for silly.

Updates

• Charlie's French cinema nudity site is updated. He did a passel of caps from The Swimming Pool, which features possibly the most luscious young actress on the planet, Ludvine Sagnier, as well as one of the few grannies you'd like to see naked, Charlotte Rampling.

Bad Santa (2003)

There is no nudity in Bad Santa, but I'm going to talk about it anyway, because for some of you, this will be your Casablanca.

In order to do this accurately, I need to do a mini dissertation on black humor.

Dimension 1: There are various degrees of anger in black humor. On the simplest level, it's "nah, that sucked". On the bitterest level it might be something like Hunter Thompson's comments about Nixon, "If the right people had been in charge of Nixon's funeral, his casket would have been launched into one of those open-sewage canals that empty into the ocean just south of Los Angeles. He was a swine of a man and a jabbering dupe of a president."

Dimension 2: There are various degrees of profanity. No elaboration necessary.

Dimension 3: There are various degrees of context. If a screen play shows Hunter Thompson saying those things about Nixon to people predisposed to agree, that is one thing. But if the script were to show, for example, the Pope saying those things over Nixon's body, that context would magnify the impact a dozen fold.

Dimension 4: There are various degrees of wit.

It is possible to generate all of the others without Dimension 4, and still make people laugh. Imagine the Pope simply delivering Hunter Thompson's lines above, with plenty of "fucks" and other ugly words. Many people would find that funny, although it would not be clever or witty in any way. People on the far left think that it is funny to say "President Bush is a dumb fuck". People on the far right think it is funny to say, "Bill Clinton would fuck a snake". Say those things among people who share your opinion, and people will laugh, even though there is absolutely nothing inherently funny in those statements.

What does all this have to do with Bad Santa?

Well, on a scale of 1-100, it would score something like this on the dimensions above:

Anger: 100

Profanity: 100

Context: 100 (It is Santa Claus swearing, drinking, and "fucking fat chicks in the ass" in front of children.)

Wit: 10.

The things that the characters say are rarely witty, clever, or imaginative. They are hateful, unimaginative, profanity-laden invectives, mostly delivered by Santa and one of his elves. Having said that, you may well find this movie very funny anyway, because it is one angry-ass, iconoclastic motherfucker. There are reports of young audiences laughing loud enough and often enough to drown out the dialogue. Let's face it, a lot of people are sick of Christmas.

Billy Bob Thornton plays a degenerate safecracker who takes a Santa job each year in a different big city shopping mall, then robs all the receipts on Christmas eve. His accomplice is a little person who works as his elf. Santa sits around in a filthy shit-stained suit, with his beard hanging off. He tells the kids to "get the fuck lost", and he stumbles around dead drunk in front of the kids when he's not actually puking on them. Judging from his appearance, he hasn't shaved or bathed or changed his clothes in years. He pisses himself. At one point, he goes into a rage in front of the families waiting in the Santa line, and destroys all the papier-mâché reindeer. In another scene, he flies into in an uncontrolled rage and beats a 14 year old bully into a bloody pulp, all while wearing his Santa suit. Finally, he's a suicidal guy, and the only thing that really gets him excited in life is to "fuck fat chicks in the ass" - and this is not revealed subtly. Santa is in the plus-size fitting rooms with the door open, right next to his Santaland area, screaming away in orgasm, and shouting things like, "oh, yeah, baby, you won't be able to shit right for a week". In case you couldn't figure that out, the mall security man is more direct. He tells the prissy store manager that "Santa likes to fuck fat chicks in the ass".

Eventually, Santa is caught making his criminal escape, still in costume, and is blown away by a volley of fire from the police. Some of the gunshots leave particularly ugly wounds.

Is that funny? Again, it depends on your sense of humor. If you don't require any wit or intelligence to make you laugh, but simply enjoy seeing sacred cows being torn to shreds in ferocious, ugly ways, then you may join the people who have loved this genuinely nasty movie. I loved the attitude, but was disappointed by the lack of imagination. I wanted it to show at least a little bit of brainpower and say clever nasty things, not just stuff like "Santa, you're an ugly, drunk motherfucker".

It is adolescent, but yes, it is funny if you really have a certain black sense of humor. It isn't clever or witty, but it makes up for its lack of intelligence by pulling no punches whatsoever. It is completely outrageous, way beyond the outside of the envelope. It strives to be as mean-spirited, ugly, gross, violent, and profane as it can be in every scene, and it does so in the most sacred of contexts while debunking the sacredest of cows. Thornton is completely disgusting, and nails the part perfectly.

Disney hated the film, and hated being associated with it, which may be an ipso facto recommendation for some of you.

And, amazingly enough, it has kind of a warm, sentimental ending, but does not really compromise its nastiness.

The critics offered pretty much every level of appreciation possible from one star to three and a half.

It will become a cult film. It is probably the meanest, nastiest big-budget movie ever made.

• Amazingly, there is no nudity. You would have thought they would have added some for the shock value.

X2 (2003)

I'm not sure what some critics expect from a movie. I looked at the summary on metacritic, and some critics scored this 30/100. Thirty? One star out of four? Come on.

About the only salient negative thing you can say about X2 is that you really don't care for this kind of movie. That I can understand, but if you are willing to rule out a certain type of film automatically, you really shouldn't be a critic. So for those of you who want every film to be Andrei Rublyov or Grand Illusion or The Seventh Seal, put on your turtle necks and head off to a small arthouse theater near Washington Square somewhere. If you have any interest in a film that looks and sounds like kick-ass entertainment, with plenty of shock and awe, then X2 will suit you just fine.

To be fair to the arthouse critics, it possible to carp and say that X2 really doesn't have much of a structured plot. Some cool stuff happens, and then it's over. Some crises are averted, but nothing much gets resolved. That's true, but that fact is not much more relevant than the observation that the film is not Andrei Rublyov. This director knows how to make films with an intriguing plot. He made The Usual Suspects, fer chrissakes. But that's not what this type of film is about.

This film is about the look, the action, the style, loyalty, bravery, fighting for right, living in the moment. And how many superhero films center around actors on the level of Ian McKellan, Hugh Jackman, and Patrick Stewart? In addition to the fun of the mutant/human conflict, it also makes some pretty serious points about how humans react in the face of anything different. There is a special link between the oppression and fear which humans feel for mutants and the relationship between the Third Reich and Jews. Both Jack Kirby and Stan Lee, the co-creators of the characters, were raised in Jewish families in the first half of the twentieth century, and were well aware of The Nuremberg Laws, which stripped away the rights of Jews in The Third Reich from 1935 onward. When the first Nuremberg Laws were enacted in September of that year, Kirby was 18, Lee 13. The anti-Semitic events that transpired in the subsequent decade must have been the single most discussed topic among their families and friends, and the single thing which weighed most heavily on their minds. They later acted out all of their feelings through The X-Men. The measures proposed by humans to control the X-Men mutants are parallel to the measures used by the Nazis to control Jews.

Of course, there is nothing exclusively Jewish about the plight of the mutants. The mutants could represent Jews or gays or any oppressed minority. Director Bryan Singer is gay and Jewish and adopted, so he has some passion for a story about minority oppression and people looking for their true origin. (Read the BBC's interview with Bryan Singer. If you are interested in this film, the BBC did a kick-ass job on this site. On the Singer page, you'll see links to more interviews and unique X-Men info.)

Unlike most superhero films, this one allows some of the actors to show some real depth. The best new addition to the series was Alan Cumming as Nightcrawler, who manages to bring a sweet, simple, and gentle spirit to the mutant band. He must be the most vulnerable mutant since Edward Scissorhands. ("Oh that Johnny Depp. He make-a me cry.")

The only real problem I have with the film is that there are too many characters, and I want to know more about some of the others, like the mysterious Mystique, the completely undeveloped Storm, and the angry Pyro - just what is he so pissed off about, anyway?

Unfortunately, just as in the comic books, our desire to know more about the characters is the hook they use to get us to watch the next one. I think the X-Men have been around for about 40 years in the comics, and Wolverine is still looking for a definitive answer about his earlier life. (One theory is that he may be thousands of years old.)

Cool movie, and Rebecca running around naked for the whole film doesn't hurt it any, either.

• Rebecca Romijn. (1, 2, 3, 4, 5) I don't know how naked she actually is in these caps, but this gal has a helluva shape on 'er, she's always willing to show it off, and I'm always willing to look.

Widescreen/Full Screen

C2000 was astute enough to take a look at the full screen version of Terminator 3, something which I was too dense to do. (The full screen and widescreen versions are on two separate discs.) Good on ya, mate! The nudity has now all mysteriously returned. I guess I have to get my hands on the full screen version. (Blockbuster only had the widescreen, those rascals!)

• Kristanna Loken

Other Chicks

• Christina Ricci wore a see-through last week to the premiere of Monster. If I remember right, she had those puppies trimmed, and she also lost quite a bit of weight at one point. All things considered, they look pretty impressive.

• Natasha Lyonne lost part of a nipple from her top at the premiere of Die Mommie Die. (1, 2)

Get to work, you guys. We need better copies of these!

An Oldie But Goodie

Top phrases heard in your house at Thanksgiving, and Paris Hilton's house every day.

(OK, it used to be a Madonna joke, but you have to keep up with the times)

• Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
• It's Cool Whip time!
• If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
• Whew, that's one terrific spread!
• I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
• It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
• Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
• Don't play with your meat.
• Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
• I didn't expect everyone to come at once!
• You still have a little bit on your chin.
• You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
• Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!
• That's the biggest one I've ever seen!
• You have to get your hand all the way up inside.
• I enjoy a good stuffing.
• And he forces his way into the end zone!
• It must be broken 'cause when I push on the tip, nothing squirts out.

OTHER CRAP:

• A family in the Czech Republic say a rabbit they've bred has three penises. Lewinsky - that's a Czech name, right?

• 15th-century comic strips go on display. Even back then, Dagwood had some problems with Sir Dithers.

• According to The Sun: "A PORN video of Baywatch beauty Gena Lee Nolin has surfaced on the internet. The blonde strips for Greg Fahlman and performs sex acts on him. The tape was privately shot in the 1990s."

• Dr Hunter S Thompson weighs in on the magic of Thanksgiving

• Is the film 'Lost in Translation' racist?

• The problem with the sport of bowling? There's no "defense".

• TV bosses have announced they are planning a new reality program based upon hit movie The Truman Show.

• The European Commission on Thursday proposed issuing wallet-sized passports for dogs, cats and ferrets. I didn't make any of that up. Passports for ferrets? Should make Richard Gere's life a lot easier on the continent.

• Weekly World News: "Wacky Michael Jackson has been pumping iron like there's no tomorrow, say showbiz insiders. Friends claim Jacko is so bulked up they've started calling him 'Buff Daddy' in a light-hearted nod to his new muscles and three adoring kids" (Seriously, when Michael was arrested, his mug shot listed him at 5'11", 120 lbs. That ain't all too bulked up.)

• Weekly World News: "Blonde women with large breasts have higher IQ's than other women, a surprising study proves."

• Weekly World News: "DEVELOPING Third World countries are recruiting American nerds -- to mate with native women and produce a generation of studious eggheads!"

• The Second Coming of Philip K. Dick He's the Van Gogh of his own metier. A financial failure in life, he sold his stories for a couple hundred bucks. In death he's the hottest writer in Hollywood, and his estate is making millions.

• The controversy over the Abercrombie and Fitch catalogue

• Justin Timberlake's penis hires a publicist.

• Naked protestors in Chile. This woman is pretty damned sexy.

• A bull as big as a small elephant.

• Letterman rants about Paris's cancellation. "'The reason she canceled, she hired a publicist, this no-good, beady-eyed, weasel thug putz, publicist got ahold of her and forced her to cancel her appearance,' Letterman raged. 'I'm telling you, this guy is really lower than pond scum. This guy is, you know live bait? This guy is dead bait. You couldn't be oilier than this guy.' "

• Pats cheerleader is also an Army officer and a third year law student.

• The AMAZING LIFE OF PORN ICON RON JEREMY

Other crap archives. May also include newer material than the ones above, since it's sorta in real time.

Click here to submit a URL for inclusion in Other Crap

MOVIE REVIEWS:

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

Brainscan has served up all of these dishes before, but I'll take these over reheated yams anyday!

• Wendy Hamilton showing breasts, bum and bush in scenes from "Scoring" (1995). (1, 2, 3)

• Wendy Hamilton, topless and rear nudity from the sequel that begged to be made..."Ski School II" (1995). (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

• Wendy Hamilton tons of beautiful breast views, plus a few looks at her bum (links 18 and 20) and a hint of pubes (links 4-6) in scenes from "Midnight Temptations" (1995). (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23)

Unknowns
(1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)