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Tuna
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"Sexbomb"
Sexbomb (1989) is an ultra-low budget spoof of B horror films, full of cliches, over the top performances, silly plot, cheap special effects and bad set design. It is the proverbial B movie within a B movie plot device, and probably the ultimate cliche is Linnea Quigley playing the part of a scream queen. The film was shot in 9 days, and many of the crew also played parts in the film. Total budget was around 100K, partially because they had free use of a small insert studio, and also because someone donated the raw film stock and processing in exchange for a Producer credit.
Robert Quarry is King Faraday, schlock B movie maker. He has Linnea under a six film or six week contract, whichever comes first. He is finishing I Rip Your Flesh with Pliers, when he discovers that Stuart Bentod has been hired as a subject matter expert, and fires him as a waste of money. Then Faraday's wife, played by ex Pet (April 1988) Delia Sheppard, decides to seduce Bentod, and get him to kill her husband, so she can inherit his money. When Faraday dies of a heart attack while Bentod is yelling at him, they decide they have to hide the body, as Faraday's will was as cheap as his pre-nuptial agreement. Before his death, he is talked into hiring Bentod to write his next masterpiece, Werewolves in Heat.
Quigley shows breasts several times in good light. Danish born Sheppard, who went on to a decent career in film and Vegas shows, showed everything. Three other women showed breasts in the course of auditions, and shooting the film within a film. They are Nancy Bridgeford, Monique De Anna, and Kim Scolari. Body builder Spice WIlliams is seen posing in a skimpy bikini.
IMDB readers have this at 2.2. The only reviewer, Joe Bob Briggs, only gives two stars. The photography is competent, and the DVD transfer is top notch. There are loads of special features, including audition footage, a making of featurette, and two full length commentaries. Yes, this is a bad movie, but is it entertaining? For my taste, yes. Some of the lines, and some of the physical humor got chuckles from me, the pace was good, and the plot, cliched as it was, kept me somewhat interested. Had it taken itself seriously, it would be a different story. but with "bad movie energy" going for it, it is a good genre effort. I will give this a C, as a bad movie. DOn't watch it unless you are in the mood for silly.
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Delia Sheppard
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Kim Scolari
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Linnea Quigley
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Monique De Anna
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Nancy Bridgeford
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Spice Williams
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Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)
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Updates
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Charlie's French cinema nudity site is updated. He did a passel of caps
from The Swimming Pool, which features possibly the most luscious young
actress on the planet, Ludvine Sagnier, as well as one of the few
grannies you'd like to see naked, Charlotte Rampling.
Bad Santa (2003)
There is no nudity in Bad Santa, but I'm going to talk about it anyway,
because for some of you, this will be your Casablanca. In order to do this accurately, I need to do a mini dissertation on
black humor.
Dimension 1: There are various
degrees of anger in black humor. On the simplest level, it's "nah, that sucked". On
the bitterest level it might be something like Hunter Thompson's
comments about Nixon, "If the right people had been in charge of
Nixon's funeral, his casket would have been launched into one of
those open-sewage canals that empty into the ocean just south of Los
Angeles. He was a swine of a man and a jabbering dupe of a
president."
Dimension 2: There are various
degrees of profanity. No elaboration necessary.
Dimension 3: There are various
degrees of context. If a screen play shows Hunter Thompson saying
those things about Nixon to people predisposed to agree, that is one
thing. But if the script were to show, for example, the Pope saying
those things over Nixon's body, that context would magnify the
impact a dozen fold.
Dimension 4: There are various
degrees of wit.
It is possible to generate all of the
others without Dimension 4, and still make people laugh. Imagine the
Pope simply delivering Hunter Thompson's lines above, with plenty of
"fucks" and other ugly words. Many people would find that funny,
although it would not be clever or witty in any way. People on the
far left think that it is funny to say "President Bush is a dumb
fuck". People on the far right think it is funny to say, "Bill
Clinton would fuck a snake". Say those things among people who share
your opinion, and people will laugh, even though there is absolutely
nothing inherently funny in those statements.
What does all this have to do with
Bad Santa?
Well, on a scale of 1-100, it would
score something like this on the dimensions above:
Anger: 100
Profanity: 100
Context: 100 (It is Santa Claus
swearing, drinking, and "fucking fat chicks in the ass" in front of
children.)
Wit: 10.
The things that the characters say
are rarely witty, clever, or imaginative. They are hateful,
unimaginative, profanity-laden invectives, mostly delivered by Santa and one of his
elves. Having said that, you may well find this movie very funny
anyway, because it is one angry-ass, iconoclastic motherfucker.
There are reports of young audiences laughing loud enough and often enough
to drown out the dialogue. Let's face it, a lot of people are sick
of Christmas.
Billy Bob Thornton plays a degenerate
safecracker who takes a Santa job each year in a different big city
shopping mall, then robs all the receipts on Christmas eve. His
accomplice is a little person who works as his elf. Santa sits
around in a filthy shit-stained suit, with his beard hanging off. He
tells the kids to "get the fuck lost", and he stumbles around dead
drunk in front of the kids when he's not actually puking on them.
Judging from his appearance, he hasn't shaved or bathed or changed
his clothes in years. He pisses himself. At one point, he goes into
a rage in front of the families waiting in the Santa line, and
destroys all the papier-mâché reindeer. In another scene, he flies
into in an uncontrolled rage and beats a 14 year old bully into a
bloody pulp, all while wearing his Santa suit. Finally, he's a
suicidal guy, and the only thing that really gets
him excited in life is to "fuck fat chicks in the ass" -
and this is not revealed
subtly. Santa is in the plus-size fitting rooms with the door open, right next
to his Santaland area, screaming away in orgasm, and shouting things like,
"oh, yeah, baby, you won't be able to shit right for a week".
In case you couldn't figure that out, the mall security man is more
direct. He tells the prissy store manager that "Santa likes to fuck fat
chicks in the ass".
Eventually, Santa is caught making his
criminal escape, still in costume, and is blown away by a volley of fire from the police.
Some of the gunshots leave particularly ugly wounds.
Is that funny? Again, it depends on
your sense of humor. If you don't require any wit or intelligence to
make you laugh, but simply enjoy seeing sacred cows being torn to
shreds in ferocious, ugly ways, then you may join the people who have
loved this genuinely nasty movie. I loved
the attitude, but was disappointed by the lack of imagination. I wanted it to show at least a little bit of
brainpower and say clever nasty things, not just stuff like "Santa,
you're an ugly, drunk motherfucker".
It is adolescent, but yes, it is funny if you really
have a certain black sense of humor. It isn't clever or witty, but
it makes up for its lack of intelligence by pulling no punches whatsoever.
It is completely outrageous, way beyond the outside of the envelope. It strives to be as mean-spirited,
ugly, gross, violent, and profane as it can be in every scene, and it does so in
the most sacred of contexts while debunking the sacredest of cows.
Thornton is completely disgusting, and nails the part perfectly.
Disney hated the film, and hated being associated
with it, which may be an ipso facto recommendation for
some of you.
And, amazingly enough, it has kind of a warm,
sentimental ending, but does not really compromise its nastiness.
The critics offered pretty much every level of
appreciation possible from one star to three and a half.
It will become a cult film. It is probably the
meanest, nastiest big-budget movie ever made.
X2 (2003)
I'm not sure what some critics expect from a movie.
I looked at the summary on metacritic, and some critics scored this
30/100. Thirty? One star out of four? Come on.
About the only salient negative thing you can say
about X2 is that you really don't care for this kind of movie. That
I can understand, but if you are willing to rule out a certain type
of film automatically, you really shouldn't be a critic. So for
those of you who want every film to be Andrei Rublyov or Grand
Illusion or The Seventh Seal, put on your turtle necks and head off
to a small arthouse theater near Washington Square somewhere. If you
have any interest in a film that looks and sounds like kick-ass
entertainment, with plenty of shock and awe, then X2 will suit you
just fine.
To be fair to the arthouse critics, it possible to
carp and say that X2 really doesn't have much of a structured plot.
Some cool stuff happens, and then it's over. Some crises are
averted, but nothing much gets resolved. That's true, but that fact
is not much more relevant than the observation that the film is not
Andrei Rublyov. This director knows how to make films with an
intriguing plot. He made The Usual Suspects, fer chrissakes. But
that's not what this type of film is about.
This film is about the look, the action, the style,
loyalty, bravery, fighting for right, living in the moment. And how
many superhero films center around actors on the level of Ian
McKellan, Hugh Jackman, and Patrick Stewart? In addition to the fun
of the mutant/human conflict, it also makes some pretty serious
points about how humans react in the face of anything different.
There is a special link between the oppression and fear which humans
feel for mutants and the relationship between the Third Reich and
Jews. Both Jack Kirby and Stan Lee, the co-creators of the
characters, were raised in Jewish families in the first half of the
twentieth century, and were well aware of The Nuremberg Laws, which
stripped away the rights of Jews in The Third Reich from 1935
onward. When the first Nuremberg Laws were enacted in September of
that year, Kirby was 18, Lee 13. The anti-Semitic events that
transpired in the subsequent decade must have been the single most
discussed topic among their families and friends, and the single
thing which weighed most heavily on their minds. They later acted
out all of their feelings through The X-Men. The measures proposed
by humans to control the X-Men mutants are parallel to the measures
used by the Nazis to control Jews.
Of course, there is nothing exclusively Jewish about
the plight of the mutants. The mutants could represent Jews or gays
or any oppressed minority. Director Bryan Singer is gay and Jewish
and adopted, so he has some passion for a story about minority
oppression and people looking for their true origin.
(Read the BBC's interview with Bryan Singer. If you are
interested in this film, the BBC did a kick-ass job on this site. On
the Singer page, you'll see links to more interviews and unique
X-Men info.)
Unlike most superhero films, this one allows some of
the actors to show some real depth. The best new addition to the
series was Alan Cumming as Nightcrawler, who manages to bring a
sweet, simple, and gentle spirit to the mutant band. He must be the
most vulnerable mutant since Edward Scissorhands. ("Oh that Johnny
Depp. He make-a me cry.")
The only real problem I have with the film is that
there are too many characters, and I want to know more about some of
the others, like the mysterious Mystique, the completely undeveloped
Storm, and the angry Pyro - just what is he so pissed off about,
anyway?
Unfortunately, just as in the comic books, our
desire to know more about the characters is the hook they use to get
us to watch the next one. I think the X-Men have been around for
about 40 years in the comics, and Wolverine is still looking for a
definitive answer about his earlier life. (One theory is that he may
be thousands of years old.)
Cool movie, and Rebecca running around naked for the
whole film doesn't hurt it any, either.
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Rebecca Romijn. (1,
2,
3,
4,
5) I don't know how naked she actually
is in these caps, but this gal has a helluva shape on 'er, she's
always willing to show it off, and I'm always willing to look.
Widescreen/Full Screen
C2000 was astute enough to take a look at the full
screen version of Terminator 3, something which I was too dense to
do. (The full screen and widescreen versions are on two separate
discs.) Good on ya, mate! The nudity has now all mysteriously
returned. I guess I have to get my hands on the full screen version.
(Blockbuster only had the widescreen, those rascals!)
Other Chicks
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Christina Ricci wore a see-through last week to the
premiere of Monster. If I remember right, she had those puppies
trimmed, and she also lost quite a bit of weight at one point. All
things considered, they look pretty impressive.
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Natasha Lyonne lost part of a nipple from her top at
the premiere of Die Mommie Die. (1,
2)
Get to work, you guys. We need better copies of
these!
An Oldie But Goodie
Top phrases heard in your house at Thanksgiving, and
Paris Hilton's house every day.
(OK, it used to be a Madonna joke, but you have to
keep up with the times)
- Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
- It's Cool Whip time!
- If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
- Whew, that's one terrific spread!
- I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
- It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
- Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
- Don't play with your meat.
- Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at
once?
- I didn't expect everyone to come at once!
- You still have a little bit on your chin.
- You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
- Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!
- That's the biggest one I've ever seen!
- You have to get your hand all the way up inside.
- I enjoy a good stuffing.
- And he forces his way into the end zone!
- It must be broken 'cause when I push on the tip, nothing
squirts out.
OTHER CRAP:
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A family in the Czech Republic say a rabbit they've bred has three
penises. Lewinsky - that's a Czech name, right?
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15th-century comic strips go on display. Even back then,
Dagwood had some problems with Sir Dithers.
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According to The Sun: "A PORN video of Baywatch beauty Gena Lee
Nolin has surfaced on the internet. The blonde strips for Greg
Fahlman and performs sex acts on him. The tape was privately shot
in the 1990s."
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Dr Hunter S Thompson weighs in on the magic of Thanksgiving
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Is the film 'Lost in Translation' racist?
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The problem with the sport of bowling? There's no "defense".
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TV bosses have announced they are planning a new reality program
based upon hit movie The Truman Show.
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The European Commission on Thursday proposed issuing wallet-sized
passports for dogs, cats and ferrets. I didn't make any of
that up. Passports for ferrets? Should make Richard Gere's life a
lot easier on the continent.
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Weekly World News: "Wacky Michael Jackson has been pumping iron
like there's no tomorrow, say showbiz insiders. Friends claim
Jacko is so bulked up they've started calling him 'Buff Daddy' in
a light-hearted nod to his new muscles and three adoring kids"
(Seriously, when Michael was arrested, his mug shot listed him at
5'11", 120 lbs. That ain't all too bulked up.)
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Weekly World News: "Blonde women with large breasts have higher
IQ's than other women, a surprising study proves."
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Weekly World News: "DEVELOPING Third World countries are
recruiting American nerds -- to mate with native women and produce
a generation of studious eggheads!"
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The Second Coming of Philip K. Dick He's the Van Gogh of his
own metier. A financial failure in life, he sold his stories for a
couple hundred bucks. In death he's the hottest writer in
Hollywood, and his estate is making millions.
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The controversy over the Abercrombie and Fitch catalogue
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Justin Timberlake's penis hires a publicist.
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Naked protestors in Chile. This woman is pretty damned sexy.
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A bull as big as a small elephant.
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Letterman rants about Paris's cancellation. "'The reason she
canceled, she hired a publicist, this no-good, beady-eyed, weasel
thug putz, publicist got ahold of her and forced her to cancel her
appearance,' Letterman raged. 'I'm telling you, this guy is really
lower than pond scum. This guy is, you know live bait? This guy is
dead bait. You couldn't be oilier than this guy.' "
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Pats cheerleader is also an Army officer and a third year law
student.
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The AMAZING LIFE OF PORN ICON RON JEREMY
Other crap
archives. May also include newer material than the ones above,
since it's sorta in real time.
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here
to submit a URL for inclusion in Other Crap
MOVIE REVIEWS:
Here
are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.
- The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the
review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
- If there is a white asterisk, it means that
there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined
there might be something else of interest.
- A blue asterisk indicates the review is written
by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
- If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too
ashamed to admit it.
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Brainscan's Holiday Leftovers
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For my day after Thanksgiving meal, if given the choice between a turkey sandwich or a tall, busty, former Heffer....well, there's really no need to finish that sentence :-)
Brainscan has served up all of these dishes before, but I'll take these over reheated yams anyday!
- Wendy Hamilton showing breasts, bum and bush in scenes from "Scoring" (1995).
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- Wendy Hamilton, topless and rear nudity from the sequel that begged to be made..."Ski School II" (1995).
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- Wendy Hamilton tons of beautiful breast views, plus a few looks at her bum (links 18 and 20) and a hint of pubes (links 4-6) in scenes from "Midnight Temptations" (1995).
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Variety
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Jessica Alba
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Is it just me, or is Alba possibly the most gorgeous woman on the planet? Here she is looking stunning (and showing some cleavage as well as some 'back') at the premiere of her new movie "Honey".
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Lara Clifton
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Unknowns
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Johnny Moronic takes another look at "The Principles of Lust" (2003). Clifton bares all (including up close and personal gyno-views), and there are some assorted unknowns gettin' it on for real in an X-rated orgy scene.
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Clémence Poésy
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I have no clue who this French actress is, but me likey very much. Thanks to the Skin-man for these 'caps from "Bienvenue chez les Rozes" (2003).
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