Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)


  • Charlie's French cinema nudity site has been updated
  • The Movie House now has a review of The Candy Snatchers
  • The Movie House now has a review of Flesh for Frankenstein
  • Tuna e-mailed to say he'll be rejoining us very soon.



Hey Scoopy.

Just thought I'd clarify that the pic you ran of Lucy Pinder (a very popular English Page 3 girl right now, by the way) in Thursday's section was posed glamour not "posed paparazzi." The "posed paparazzi" phenomenon has been around in the UK tabloids for several years, but it's become more and more blatantly obvious in the past year or so. I've even heard rumours some "posed paparazzi" shots are taken aboard the yacht belonging to the publisher of one of these newspapers (Daily Sport, I think).

Not that my magazine or our readers are complaining. We run shots like these every week: it's our bread and butter (as are those great snaps of drunk Page 3 gals flashing their boobs and knickers at the paparazzi as they leave London nightclubs).

Love yer work, by the way.


Dan Lennard
Deputy editor
Sydney, Australia

Yeah, you're right, Dan. I was in a hurry, and haste led to sloppiness.

Havoc (2004)

Anne Hathaway and Bijou Phillips gettin' laid and almost laid. 'Nuff said.

Hathaway film clip (zipped .wmv)

Phillips film clip (zipped .wmv)

Demon Seed (1977)

Science fiction, in order to work property, needs these components in a powerful combination:

1. Visual imagination.

2. Challenging concepts that draw out our own hopes and/or fears about the future.

3. The usual things that make any movie work: witty and/or profound dialogue, a good story, interesting characters, heartfelt emotions, cinematic poetry, etc.

When a film aces item three, it is a great movie, while the other two items make it a great science fiction movie.

In that context, Demon Seed is almost an utter failure.

Item three - fuggittaboudit. Given the above list of elements which comprise a great film, Demon Seed has pretty much "none of the above." Although it is technically better than the post-atomic paranoia films of the 1950s, it is nonetheless, at its heart, straightforward 1950s-style cheese-a-palooza about the dangers of science. In this case, the bugbear is not "atomic energy" but "artificial intelligence." A computer gains so much intelligence that it adapts human emotions and longings. Realizing that men will eventually shut it down, it longs for immortality and, because men have shaped its psyche, it hopes to gain that immortal status by having a child with a human woman. Once must concede that It has excellent taste, given that the human woman in question is Julie Christie, the wife of the computer's creator. Naturally, since the creation was modeled after the creator, the machine's development of preferences and free will must ultimately reflect its creator's own subconscious, although it has the voice of The Man from UNCLE.

To make a long story short, it ties Julie Christie up, inserts a bunch of wires and fluids inside of her, and knocks her up. I could go on, but if you have seen any similar film, you will not be surprised by this one. It's just a drive-in movie, albeit one featuring a bigger star than the genre norm.

The dialogue has neither the wit nor the poetry required to turn it into Blade Runner. The characters are completely undeveloped, basically just rough stereotypes with nothing much of a back story and nothing much to say. We gain some empathy for Julie Christie because she seems like a decent human being who is mistreated by a machine, but we don't really know anything about her, and what we know is not completely sympathetic. The other two main characters are simply generic. Robert Vaughn (the uncredited robot voice) is the most interesting character.

Plus it must face the kiss of death for any movie - BORRRRRRRRRRRING!

Item one - nope. No success here either. It is possible that this film impressed in 1977, but it certainly seems primitive today. The computer visuals are pre-PC-era: laser light shows, mathematical shapes, and colored kaleidoscope effects, all of which are about as interesting as watching the screen savers from 1984 personal computers.  The mechanical visuals are so primitive that they would embarrass Doctor Evil immediately after he was unfrozen, before he had a chance to be brought up to speed on modern progress. A wheelchair with frickin' laser beams, fer chrissakes! The purely cinematic visuals include such things as the complete history of mankind force-fed into a one minute video, like those old Smothers Brothers segments accompanied by "Classical Gas." The hybrid human/computer baby looked like a gilded angel from an early Renaissance sculpture.

The film thus had only one source to provide entertainment and involvement: item two, the speculation about mankind's future. In this area it did better, but proved neither especially prescient nor especially engaging. We expect to look at old science fiction films some decades later and see that they were completely wrong about our time. However, we do expect that they will still cause some interesting conversations at our dinner table. This script's concept of the sum of all mankind's learning, as assimilated by Proteus the AI computer, could be boiled down to one thing: don't wear fur.

All of mankind's knowledge collected in one place - to produce the brain of Pamela Anderson!

Not to mention her sex drive.

The film does have Julie Christie nekkid, so it has that goin' for it, but even there one must face the fact that Julie, albeit still gorgeous, was pushin' 40! (Check out Julie's most famous nude scene in Herr Haut's section below.)

(Film clip linked below the thumbnails):

Film clip (zipped .wmv)

Crimson Ghost

Captures and comments from the Ghost
Cherokee in "Sex Games Vegas"


'Clips and comments by ICMS


Today's main dish consists of two saucy ladies from the Seventies and the occasion is the adventure movie "The 5th Musketeer" (1979, or 1977 according to the end credits).
The story takes place in France in the 17th century at the royal court in Versailles. King Louis is set to marry a Spanish princess, Maria Theresa (Sylvia Kristel), but it is obvious that he likes his mistress Louise de la Vallière (Ursula Andress) much more.
As it happens the king has a much nicer twin brother, Philippe, who was kept hidden somewhere in the French Southwest and who is ignorant of his descent, as is practically everyone except the four musketeers. This twin brother turns out to be the aforementioned 5th musketeer. The king's advisors set up a plan to get rid off this possible threat to the throne once and for all and making the king more popular in the process. Needless to say that their plan backfires and that a battle for the crown between the twins ensues with each leading lady helping her love interest. The good twin can also can count on his four aging musketeers, but they don't achieve that much because they're getting to old for this kind of shenanigans.
The film itself could have turned out much better than what it is now. If the story had been better outlined from the start with some elaborate plot twists here and there, much of the problems would have been resolved. Some more creative editing mightn't have gone astray either.
Having said all this, The 5th Musketeer doesn't seem to take itself too seriously and perhaps that's why it is not a bad watch that I actually did enjoy. The credits for that go on the one hand to the actors, who all believed in what they were doing and put in solid performances (except Sylvia Kristel, if you consider her an actress) and on the other hand to the beautiful locations and the exquisite costumes.
But in the end the feeling remains that with an all star cast like Beau Bridges, Ursula Andress, Ian McShane, José Ferrer, Rex Harrison and Olivia de Havilland and some of the most beautiful castles around Vienna, including Schönbrunn, director Ken Annakin (Skywalker?) somewhat underachieved in this one. In my opinion this film rates a solid C in our rating system.
But "what's with the naughty bits?" you must be wondering by now. Well, we have a triple B performance from Ursula Andress in two zipped .avi clips (1, 2)  and breasts (although she appears to be naked in some scenes) by Sylvia Kristel in four zipped .avi clips (1, 2, 3, 4). Are you satisfied?
And now a few words about the biggest mystery of The 5th Musketeer: the DVD. The only commercial DVD available is a region one PG-rated disk. It is a beautiful transfer, remastered in HD and edited by Sony Pictures. There is only one big problem with it: they opted for the 104 minutes PG-rated version. Not only is all the nudity gone, several other scenes disappeared wholely or in part as well. Obviously someone must have thought that this movie needed some speeding up, which it doesn't.

The version I watched as well, because I looked at both versions simultaneously, is the German 116 minutes long version (PAL time), recorded from TV.

To me it goes without saying that those 15 missing minutes should have stayed in. Not only do they provide extra information on what's happening, they also add flavor to the time period and the locations. What is even sillier is that PG version has the nudity cut, but not the violence and the profanity. Someone out there must think it is more harmful to see Ursula Andress and Sylvia Kristel naked inn their prime than seeing people getting killed or a woman being called a bitch and a whore. Strange thing, certainly in my opinion.
So my advice is, stay away from this region 1 DVD and wait until there is an unrated print (if ever). I still have no clue why they spent so much money on remastering this incomplete version instead of the German version that would have needed a skilfull restoration.
That's it for today.
PS -  Those HD caps of Mimi Rogers are truly stunning in quality. Wow.


'Caps and comments by Dann

Slaughterhouse of the Rising Sun (2004)

The first thing that strikes you about this 2004 comedy/horror film is that it looks like it was made in the early 70's. The second thing that strikes you, as the movie progresses, is that it's a pretty good movie.....B-movie, sure, but good nonetheless.

Jennifer is part of a porno shoot (she's the female partner) when she suddenly goes postal, kicks the male partner in the cods, and tries to gouge out his eyes.

Sent to a mental institution and claiming she can't remember anything about the incident, she is released after 6 months, and having nowhere to go, winds up out in the desert, where her car is run off the road by two yahoos bent on a little fun. As she is trying to escape from the two guys, she is rescued by a group of hippies.

With her car disabled, she joins the group. Things go well enough, with Jennifer enjoying the drugs and other activities, until a ghostlike group of "figures" starts killing off the band one by one.....or is Jennifer doing the killing?

Surprisingly well-done and enjoyable film, with a slick if predictable ending.


'Caps and comments by Hankster:


More from "Lust Connection". Today with Jodie Moore in the spotlight.
Now for those of you that are fitness freaks this is what a good workout should be like. Jodie and the stud man (I call him that because he gets all the action in this flick). As you would expect Jodie winds up totally naked and screwed.
Gotta run now, I am heading for the local gym.

Herr Haut

  Carole Bouquet in Dagobert
  Carole Bouquet in Astrakan
  Julie Christie in Don't Look Now
  Melisa McGregor in Satan's Little Helper
Movie Reviews


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  • The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
  • If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
  • A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
  • If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

Other Crap

2005 NFL Cheerleading Tour : Day 15 - Indianapolis Colts

Fantasy Football fans around the world are either incredibly ecstatic, or just plain ol' hate the world right now. And the reason resides in Indianapolis. One look at Peyton Manning's stats shows that he is no where near his torrid pace for TD passes of the 2004 season. Many fantasy football players have bet the farm that Manning could come close or surpass his NFL record breaking performance of last season. There is still a lot of football to be played this year, but even with thirteen games remaining, it seems unlikely that Manning will have another record year.

The action on the sidelines may be stronger than that of the Colts offense. That is saying something! The Colts have long been known for a high powered attack, and two years ago I ranked the Colts cheerleaders at the bottom of the league. Well, times they are a changing. The Colts Cheerleaders are an improving squad. A nifty logo, nicer uniforms, and much improved web site adds a lot to this team. Impressive veterans, such as Associate Analytical Chemist, Kristie (most impressive), and young rookies like Brittany round out the team. The profiles display many pictures of each girl, and a Cheerleader of the Week section goes into greater depth on the bios. I really like the Photos section. The pictures of the team members can be sorted by name or by game. I would also like to give a thumbs up on the hats and chaps worn during the Jacksonville game. Nice! The video section touts "everything from how the squad was built to Cheerleader Workout segments." I could not get the section to work to give it a proper review. It may be the web site, or it may be my Internet connection. Either way, the thought of it is a needed addition that all NFL squads should offer. Two Ashleys, two Megans, three Hollys, four Jens, and four Jessicas, show the need for diversity. This is a squad on the upswing, but still in the middle of the pack.

Rating 7.0 out of 10.

BitTorrent gets $8.75 million in venture capital.

Firefox Momentum Slows. In the past five months, MSIE lost less than half a percent, from 88.86 to 88.46. Looking at the recent months as separate periods of time, Firefox actually appears to be declining.

What is the World's Favorite Song?

Three clips from Two for the Money, the sports gambling movie with Pacino and McConaughey. The trailer makes the movie seem very similar to The Devil's Advocate.

One more clip from Tony Scott's Domino

Six clips from Into the Blue, the Paul Walker/Jessica Alba eye candy movie. They aren't dating, but they should be. My son and I have concluded that they are the world's only couple capable of producing children more beautiful than Pitt and Jolie's.

The teaser from Clerks 2: The Passion of the Clerks

The trailer for Rumor Has It... (Jennifer Aniston's new film about the family which seems to have been the basis for The Graduate.)

The Daily Show: "With his seventh visit to the Gulf Coast the president is showing that he's on the"

The Daily Show presents The Pee Bag Song

Comedian Jeff Garlin and Jon Stewart share a Three Musketeers and some love.

The Daily Show's Senior Post-Disaster Investigation Analyst Rob Corddry describes how "Brownie" was just too trusting.

The Daily Show looks at Giant Squid

"DeLAY, FRIST TO WED" ... Embattled Republicans Seek Legal Protection as Gay Married Couple

Scenes deleted from Revenge of the Sith.

The official website of Ashley Massaro, the winner of the WWE diva showdown. I didn;t see any explicit nudity, but she comes really close.

Useful bookmark for gamers:

I know 2005 isn't over yet, but clearly this will be the "Headline of the YEAR" - New Zealand finds Black Cocks hard to swallow

Vanessa Williams on the beach in a bikini

The "it" show ... People go absolutely ga-ga over "Lost"

  • Submitter wrote: "Fans of Lost had tons of questions after last nights episode. Shocking plot twists, hidden messages, and high drama is good, but we all want to know...are there any more, and/or better, screen caps of Kate (Evangeline Lilly) crawling around in that A/C shaft? PS - For the record I was quite happy with the scene of her tied up and trying to escape. Lots of lean sweaty flesh...WOW! The girl is HOT!"
  • No argument from me! She's one mighty fine-lookin' woman.

Saving Rainforest Iowa: Right For America, Right For Puppies

Flight attendants outraged over Jodie Foster film. SPOILER ALERT: don't read this if you plan to see the movie. It gives away a big secret (which you would not guess on your own because it is so improbable.).

Six clips from Sueno

  • "John Leguizamo, Elizabeth Peña and Ana Claudia Talancón star in this inspirational film about Antonio, a young man who gets the once in a lifetime chance to make his dreams of becoming a musician a reality. Antonio moves from Mexico to Los Angeles to pursue his dreams of sharing his music with the world. Just as he is about to give up after toiling at his uncle's fast food joint, his dreams become within reach when the "Chance of a Lifetime Mystery Musician Contest" comes to town. Along the way to making his dreams a reality, Antonio meets up with two beautiful women who also rediscover their passions."

A full ten-minute excerpt from Capote, the new story about the relationship Truman Capote struck up with one of the killers portrayed in In Cold Blood.

A long featurette about the full-length Firefly movie, Serenity

Mr Bill goes to the circus.

This is a strange, creative idea - an alternate trailer for The Shining.

Slammer for 'The Hammer' ... "DeLay named 'Big House' Majority Leader"

"A newly discovered Dead Sea Scroll has revealed that Columbus, Ohio and parts of Licking and Fairfield Counties are actually the site of the Holy Land"

  • "The Palestinian Liberation Organization has opened up a recruiting office on High Street near the Ohio State University campus. Business, however, has been slow as few persons in this predominantly Methodist city have expressed much interest in becoming suicide bombers, especially as football season is starting up and the Buckeyes have done well in the pre-season polls."

"Congressional Panel Bukkakes On Michael Brown"

Ashton and Demi's "Punk'd" Wedding. Was their actual wedding ceremony a prank for the show? Were the rumors of their wedding a prank? Or is it a prank that people are claiming their wedding was a prank? Is it, in fact, a prank that I am claiming that these things might be pranks? Even I don't know that last one.

The trailer for Annapolis

  • "About a boy (Franco) from the wrong side of the tracks whose dream of attending the U.S. Naval Academy becomes a reality. Brewster plays an upper classman who helps Franco's character train in the ring as the two fall for each other, even though it is a violation of academic policy."

First real good pics of them together ... Hollywood super-hunks Brad and Angelina shopping, riding motorcycles in Edmonton.

Angelina stumps for AIDS relief - and looks mighty good doin' it! Very complicated woman. I expect she will be getting bored with movies very soon, similar to what Julie Christie went through some decades ago.


Pat Reeder

Houston, We Have A Problem - NASA chief Michael Griffin told USA Today that he thinks virtually everything the space agency has done in the past 30 years was a mistake.  Griffin thinks NASA should have continued exploring the moon and space, not spent all its time and money endlessly orbiting Earth.  He said the space shuttle design was "deeply flawed," and not worth the expense, difficulty and risk, and he would not "have built the space station we're building in the orbit we're building it in."

*  We could have at least let it pass over Jessica Alba's house, and sent back some pictures worth seeing.
*  If we wanted astronauts to share a cramped, airless space with Russians, we could've just rented an apartment in Moscow.

Speak, Write, Print, Screw, It's All The Same - Thursday, Oregon's Supreme Court continued its pattern of banning the regulation of obscenity by striking down a state law against live sex shows and a local ordinance regulating nude dancers.  The 1859 state constitution reads, "No law shall be passed restraining the free expression of opinion, or restricting the right to speak, write or print freely on any subject whatever."  The court ruled that it "appears to us to be beyond reasonable dispute" that the clause was meant to cover even "physical acts, such as nude dancing or other explicit sexual conduct, that have an expressive component."

*  They meant that back in 1859?  No wonder it was called "the Wild West!"
*  So you can have sex naked on stage, as long as you're simultaneously printing political pamphlets.
*  When they made this ruling, they were naked under their robes.
*  Ted Kennedy wants Bush to pick his next Supreme Court Justice from this court.
 *  They also struck down as unconstitutional the "No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service" policy.

Boozerman's Friend - Police in Germany are warning drivers not to suck on Fisherman's Friend cough drops.  A motorist was arrested after a breathalyzer showed him to be over the legal limit, but a blood test found no booze in his system.  A forensic doctor said the driver had been sucking on a mentholated Fisherman's Friend cough drop, and the essential oils in it react the same way as alcohol in a breathalyzer.  He said sucking three of those cough drops could make you test three times over the limit.

*  Moral: if you plan to drive drunk, suck on a Fisherman's Friend cough drop to explain away the breathalyzer test.

For Whom The Belgian Tolls - Be careful what you type in Belgium: a legal magazine reports that due to a recent ruling by the Brussels Appeals Court, exchanging erotic talk with a virtual partner in an online chatroom is now grounds for divorce.  The court found that while the transcripts don't prove adultery, they do prove "grossly insulting behavior" to a participant's spouse.

*  Well, then just don't mention your spouse!
*  Your spouse's divorce lawyer will make sure you end up with virtually nothing.
*  You may also find you've traded your wife for a horny, 30-year-old fat dude who lives with his parents.

Too Drunk To Count - A survey of more than 76,000 college students by the National Social Norms Resource Center found that over 70 percent overestimate the amount of booze their peers drink.  At schools where the average is four drinks per party, over two-thirds of students guessed that it was more than that.  Even at schools where non-drinking was the norm, 60 percent thought their peers usually had three or more drinks at a party. Researchers said this misperception that everyone else is boozing it up might encourage students to drink more themselves.

*  But apparently, it doesn't.
*  It's so nice to learn our college students aren't all alcoholics; most of them are just ignorant and misinformed!
*  They know the real number because a previous poll asked how many drinks they have at a party, and they said, "No more than four, I swear!"

Fine German Engineering - Two German college students have invented a "smart beer mat" that fits under a normal cardboard beer coaster, detects when your glass is getting light, and automatically orders a refill.

*  And they think that's smart?
*  If it were really smart, it would call you a cab.

Cupid's Arrows - Fashion icon Garavani Valentino lamented to a German paper that the days when stars such as Marilyn Monroe and Liz Taylor were contractually required to look glamorous in public are long gone.  Valentino said, "They changed their outfits two or three times a day or had a complicated hairstyle."  But he griped that today, Julia Roberts and Cameron Diaz go out in public "unkempt, in jogging trousers," looking "like bag ladies."

*  Hey, those are designer jogging trousers!  $3,000 a pair!
*  They think it makes them look younger to dress like the Olsen Twins.
*  Today, celebrities' Chihuahuas dress better than they do.
*  Today's stars have complicated hairstyles!  YOU try combing your hair with an egg beater!
*  Younger starlets do groom their pubic hair very carefully, since they show it in public so often.

"I TOLD You It Would Go On Your Permanent Record!" - Courtney Love's mother has written an upcoming book detailing Courtney's bad behavior all the way back to diapers, including guzzling wine on Christmas Eve until she puked at age 12, getting caught in a porn store at 9, and running around naked at 4 after her hippy dad gave her "happy pills."  Courtney's rep said she would not dignify its "woeful inaccuracies" by responding.

*  Besides, she's too busy running around naked and popping "happy pills."
*  When she was three, she O.D.'ed on Flintstones vitamins.
*  With a daughter like that, you'd think it'd be her mom who needed "happy pills."

Bang Away - The British film magazine Empire polled readers on the worst movie sex scene ever.  Finalists included Madonna dripping candle wax on Willem DaFoe in "Body of Evidence" and the "gobble, gobble" scene in "Gigli," in which Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez "couldn't generate enough heat to toast bread."  But #1 was Elizabeth Berkeley and Kyle MacLachlan thrashing in a swimming pool in "Showgirls," which they said resembles the opening shark attack in "Jaws."  And #2 was "Damage," in which Jeremy Irons
shows his passion by banging Juliette Binoche's head on the floor.

*  Original title: "Brain Damage."
*  The people watching it knew how she felt.
*  When J-Lo said, "Gobble, gobble," it wasn't a come-on, it was an admission that they were making a turkey.
*  They've obviously never seen any sex scene with Barbra Streisand.
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