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Tuna's technical difficulties continue...but he'll be back tomorrow.

Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)

I took a look at The Shivers. Tuna already covered the bases in his review. This was the low-budget quickie that set the tone for David Cronenberg's unusual career. Penis turd parasites inhabit humans and turn them into violent sexual offenders. I don't even like his better movies, so I pretty much hated this one. On the bright side: plenty of nudity.


I took a look at Knight Moves. Tuna's review indicated that this was a complete waste of time. I didn't hate it that much, but let's be honest. It's a Christopher Lambert movie, so just how good could it be? We pretty much agree that it sucks, but we disagree on how deep. I thought it was merely dead. He thought it was really most sincerely dead. 

Julienne Davis
(1, 2, 3)

Ok...so "Eyes Wide Shut" has been 'capped a few times, but quality nudity is still quality nudity. For those who need an "EWS' refresher...Julienne is the babe that OD's at the party, is "sacrificed" at the über-orge, and then ends up on a slab in a morgue. Excellent 'caps.

Nicole Kidman
(1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

Also from "EWS". Nicole is seen here in various stages of dress/undress. Plus, there are two great collages from her Naval fantasy scene.

Ok...I decided that it was time somebody finally spoke up and told Hollywood to stuff it when it comes to Sci-fi movies. Speaking for the the average, no-moronic movie goer, I'm tired of paying $50 bucks to go see a movie that cost $80 million dollars to make, but is nothing but a rehashed version of those god-awful 70's disaster movies. Think about it..all that money and the best they can come up with is a bunch of Allan Smithee specials that are either remakes of "Lifeboat", or "Alien". And don't tell me it's all about the special effects either because I have one number for ya if you do..."2010". Released in 1984, and it's effects still rival most sci-fi movies that waste millions on CGI. -Don't get me wrong, some of the effects these days are mind blowing, but an effect is only a cheap parlor trick if your story sucks ass.

A little experiment...I jumped onto the computer generated "let's go to Mars" bandwagon and I have returned with info about 3 movies:

"Mission To Mars"
By far the worst of the 3. Why? Well, because to borrow a quote from "Weird Science"...they "forgot to hook up the doll". Or in this case, the plot. Tim Robbins, Gary Sinise, and Don Cheadle are all fantastic actors and should all be ashamed of themselves. Did they do it for the money? Was the script they agreed to do that much different from from the final product? Who knows.

I won't go into the billion things wrong with it, or list the half a dozen or so movies it blatantly ripped off. But guys, for $90 million, ya think they could have at least bought a script that was original instead of making the world's most expensive Van Halen video?

Budget $90 Million
Box Office $60 Million

Bottom line...Pig Crap.

"Red Planet"
Lame, but not as lame. Again, a talented cast that should seriously consider a new pair of concrete loafers for their agents. But at least this one had a plot. Not a very good one, but at least there was one. Actually, there were several very good sci-fi elements, that unfortunately ended up being absorbed by cheap formula movie making and overwhelmed by cliches. Much like "Mission to Mars", a very well made film from with regards to cinematography and effects.

Budget $70 Million Box Office $18 million (ouch!)

Bottom Line...Pig Feed.

"Rocket Man"
By far the best of the "let's go to Mars" movies! It's stupid, with medium to low budget effects, and plenty of fart jokes, but hey, at least it's original! You have to be able to appreciate the twisted, offbeat humor of Harland Williams to enjoy this film, but at the very least, it's a great dumb movie to watch when you are...

  • with your kids
  • Very drunk
  • Stoned
  • sick and tired of crappy 'summer blockbuster' Mars movies that make you feel like Hollywood has just given you and anal probe

    It's mindless, stupid fun, and I always laugh my arse off when I watch it (even when I'm sober).

    Produced by Disney, so you can expect the following...

  • Clean family fun
  • Solid production values
  • Running time of 90 minutes
  • And a taste of Disney's mysterious marketing. In this case, it's one of their movies that they won't put out on DVD. Even though they probably could have pushed quite a few units by tapping into the "MTM" and "RP" video releases.

    So here are a few goodies from "Red Planet". Completely gratuitous nudity (my favorite).

  • Carrie-Ann in the shower (1, 2, 3)

    Just for fun I blew up the frames to see what was really there. Looks like there should have been some exposure here, but her nipples were either covered, or airbrushed out in post production (after all, they did spend $75 million).

  • Carrie-Ann Jumbo-sized shower 'caps (1, 2, 3, 4)

  • Playing with the brightness...Carrie-Ann coming in at 8.1 on the poke-ometer
    Touched up
    Darker, raw 'cap

  • Rawhide Kid
    Here comes Rachel Roberts looking a little like Jane in a tiny bikini and a vine to swing on. There are times when I wish I was Tarzan!
  • Rachel Roberts

    Rebecca Romijn-Stamos is looking almost nautical in an almost prim two piece in white and blue.

  • Rebecca Romijn-Stamos

    Shakara Ledard smiles at us from a small blue bikini and a big hat and in #2, is minus the hat and has a smaller bikini!

  • Shakara Ledard (1, 2)

    Stacey Williams looking rather cheeky...what was it Satchel Paige said about 'don't look back....'? Stacey #2 is confusing, I'm not sure what suit they were trying to promote but she looks good anyway!

  • Stacey Williams (1, 2)

  • and ...
    Laetitia Casta
    (1, 2, 3, 4)

    Hot Stuff! Laetitia topless and showing pubes in scenes from "Gitano". Special thanks to Muzzly.

    PJ Soles Topless in the horror classic "Halloween". Great 'caps by Donbun.

    Gail O'Grady I think this is the most breast exposure ever seen on regular American TV (with the exception of National Geographic episodes about tribal cultures, and the broadcast of "Schindler's List"). Great almost nudity from "NYPD Blue", by Life32.

    Belinda McClory Best known as 'Switch' from "The Matrix". Here she is in a full frontal B&W pose.

    Amanda Lepore

    Some real freaky stuff from Blackshine today! As always, the quality is fantastic, and the nudity is first class. But these are not going to be everyone's cup o' tea.

    Susanne Benton
    (1, 2)

    Breast and bum exposure from 1975's "A Boy and His Dog".

    Colleen Fitzpatrick The Singer/Actress also known as Vitamin C. Damn...I was going to start a band and launch my own acting career under the name "Beta Carotene". I guess that would considered a rip-off now. See-thru nipple sighting, by Elliffen Graphix.

    Click Here!