"The Devil Came from Akasava"

The Devil Came from Akasava (1971), AKA Der Teufel kam aus Akasawa is a German made spy thriller directed by Jess Franco. While it is rather plot heavy from a Franco film, he managed to get Soledad Miranda topless several times, and completely naked once. The premise is that a mineral has been discovered that turns men into zombies and some metal into gold. Everyone wants it. Miranda is secret service, Fred Williams is Scotland Yard, and Jess Franco plays an Italian agent. They are all dubbed into German in this version, which was made in parallel with the Spanish version. The dubbed German doesn't, of course, give the national accents, which would have made this story full of double-crosses much easier to follow, but don't let the zombie theme put you off, as it was never really developed.

IMDB readers say 5.2 of 10, which may be about right. It is not a typical Franco offering, but it was sporadically entertaining. C-.

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  • Soledad Miranda (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22)

    "Rowing with the Wind"

    Rowing with the Wind (1988), aka Remando al viento, is a Spanish film that begins when Lord Byron, Mary Shelly and Percy Bysshe Shelley are all together in Geneva. They decide to each invent a horror story. Mary Shelley invents Frankenstein, but the monster takes form and haunts her, and the rest, causing tragedy after tragedy in their lives. Some reviewers claim that there is the germ of a good idea here which the film fails to live up to. I will take their word for it. I don't know enough about the lives of the characters involved to know what was based on fact and what was invention, but the entire thing was tedious, didn't really have a coherent plot, and the acting was nothing special. It did look spectacilar, and received lots of Goyas from the look, but nothing for the acting or the story.

    The good news is clear breasts from Elizabeth Hurley in this, her second film, and full frontal from Lizzy McInnerny. IMDB readers have it at 5.2 of 10. Some of the comments at IMDB mention that the US release was severely cut, with could account for some of the disjointedness. I had a great deal of difficulty staying awake, never got involved in the story (or even detected a story), and was very glad to see it end. Still, it is technically well made, and I will grant that it is not my type of film, therefor C-.

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  • Elizabeth Hurley (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10)
  • Lizzy McInnerny (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13)

    "Hot Dog the Movie"

    Hot Dog the Movie (1984) is part sports movie, part Hollywood formula romance, and all comedy. Harkin Banks (David Naughton), a farm boy, is on his way to compete at Squaw Valley in a skiing "Hot Dog" national championship. Along the way, he picks up attractive hitchhiker Sunny, who decides to hang out with him. Once at Squaw valley, he is checked into an adult motel by a naked woman, enjoys a gratuitous wet t-shirt contest, finally beds Sunny, and meets the other American competitors. HE also learns that world champion Rudy from Austria (John Patrick Reger) is a world class asshole, and that Euro sponsors are supporting the sport at the moment, and the Euro competitors are given undeserved qualifying places and the scoring is equally stilted once the competition begins.

    Shannon Tweed plays a snow bunny who seduces the hottest ski stud each year, and, after seeing Harkin ski, seduces him at her annual party. Sunny gives Rudy a revenge fuck, and things look shaky for our hero. Tweed shows everything seducing Harkin and in a hot tub afterwards, Crystal Smith, as the motel clerk, shows lengthy full frontal, and several unknowns show breasts in the wet t-shirt contest. Tweed and Crystal Smith, of course, are former Heffers of the month.

    IMDB readers have this at 3.4 of 10. I am at a loss to understand why. I don't see what more they could want from an 80's T & A comedy. Some of the material is very funny, there is some good skiing, and I liked many of the characters. The DVD is a very nice, well-saturated 4/3 transfer. This is a C. If you like 80s raunchy comedy, you should enjoy this one.

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  • Crystal Smith (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23)
  • Shannon Tweed (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28)
  • Unknown (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17)

  • Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)
    Better than Sex (2000)

    I guess it may be my personal prejudice against "talking heads speaking into the camera" movies, but I found this to be a horrible ordeal to get through. The entire movie basically consists of scenes in one bedroom, and some talking heads commenting on the action or related topics . There's nothing terribly wrong with the movie. It has a pleasant, accepting attitude toward sex and humanity, and it was nominated for eight awards from the Australian Film Institute in 2000. I just find the technique precious and boring, although I guess it is a workable way to make a movie if one has no money at all.

    I guess there's good news and bad news about the financial considerations for this kind of movie. The bad news: it did zero at the box office. The good news: it broke even.

    The film has admirers. Tuna liked the film, and it is rated a fairly high 5.9 at IMDb, including 7.0 by women.

    I guess Tuna also liked the sexy stuff.  I didn't. There is a lot of sex, but this woman does nothing for me at all.

    • Susie Porter (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)



    Irréversible (2002)


    Irréversible caused quite a stir at Cannes this year, prompting people to walk out of the screening in such copious droves that it looked like they were being herded out by Rowdy Yates and Gil Faver. Those people weren't leaving because of ennui, either. They were shocked, and one poor woman was even treated for nausea. The central causes of the outrage: (1) a brutal nine minute anal rape scene in real time, including a violent beating  (2) a gay S&M club where guys are feeling, licking, and fisting each other openly, and the camera is acting as the eyes of the frenetic boyfriend, who is seeking the rapist (3) a realistic scene of one man beating another man's skull in with a fire extinguisher (4) filming technique which involves spinning the camera 360 degrees and other such vomit-inducing techniques.

    The basic plot: Monica Bellucci has a spat with her boyfriend (real-life husband Vincent Cassel) at a party, so she leaves in a huff. Here's a good tip for you female youngsters - when in a snit, keep sufficient wits about you to avoid desolate tunnels. In the tunnel, a mad rapist not only violates her, but hits her again and again, turning her into a punching bag in a graphic ultra-violent rage. Nobody in the film seems to care for anyone else. One bystander sees the rape taking place, but walks away and does nothing. The boyfriend hears that there has been a rape, but is unconcerned until he realizes that it affects him personally, at which time he is outraged and decides to take justice into his own hands, as they say.

    The camerawork is ... well, the word I have to use is nauseating, but I don't mean to use that word in the figurative sense of "offensive and poorly executed", but in the completely literal sense of "tending to make one feel nauseated". If you get sick on carnival rides or on boats, this is not the film for you.

    JoBlo summed it up this way in his review:

    the camera work in this film is beyond "hand-held". The first twenty minutes or so features the camera constantly, and I mean, constantly...moving, bobbing, weaving, turning round and round and round...twisting, focusing, unfocusing, featuring nothing, featuring everything...basically everything and the kitchen sink, and yet it really doesn't give you a focused sense of anything on-screen.

    If the graphic violence and crazy camerawork aren't far enough off the beaten path for you, you'll be pleased to know that the film is also told backwards, Memento style, in 12 scenes shown in reverse chronological order.

    The good news: Italian uberbabe Monica Bellucci is naked a lot. Everyone who has not already done captures from this film soon will, so I tried something different. I eliminated the yellow and red filters, attempting to show the scene in the original ambient light with fairly good flesh tones. While this effort wasn't entirely triumphant, some of the frames are fairly good. I know it turned me on to see Monica in more-or-less natural light.



    • Updates: Amanda Peet, Susie Porter, Tamara Landry



    For fans of JAG and Catherine Bell -- the Hot Line episode from 1994 in
    which she appears nude is playing on OuterMax (one of the Cinemax channels)
    tomorrow night (Sat. 8/2 at 1:35 a.m. EDT to be precise).

    I've had this in my Tivo Wishlist for a while, and finally it's on.




    Other crap archives. May also include newer material than the ones above, since it's sorta in real time.



    days left until International Talk Like a Pirate Day (Sept 19)



    Here are the latest movie reviews available at

    • The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
    • If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
    • A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Lawdog or Junior or C2000 or Realist or ICMS or Mick Locke, or somebody else besides me)
    • If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

    Graphic Response
    • Sandra Bullock in the most revealing sex scene of her career. Naturally it was made before she became famous, and it's from a movie no one has ever seen called "Fire on the Amazon" (1993).

    Be sure to pay Graphic Response a visit at his website.

    'Caps and comments by Dann:


    Women will probably like this movie for George Clooney's butt, which he shows in a love scene. Men will probably like this movie for ending.

    I'm a Sci-Fi buff, but this movie never gets there. There are unexplained deaths on a space station. Clooney, a shrink, gets sent to investigate. Once there, he stumbles onto his dead wife (or is she?). What's causing all this craziness? Well, don't look to the movie for answers, because it won't give you any.

    There is a scene at the end of the movie that will remind you of "2001: A Space Odyssey", but this is no 2001. Thumbs down on this mess.


    Take every man's dream of an on-going three-way in college, complicate it by having the characters get together 10 years later, and you have the ingredients of an excellent movie.

    Unfortunately, some weak acting and writing that portrays the characters as kind of shallow cause this movie to be less than it could have been, but by no means is it bad. It's interesting enough to keep your attention, and different enough to be worth watching.

    The love making scenes had nudity, but they were shot tight, sometimes blurry, sometimes fuzzy, probably to let the film keep it's R rating. I capped the scenes anyway because they still give you a feel for what's going on, just as they did in the movie.

    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22)

    From her mega-flop, "Swept Away". We see plenty of cleavage, bikini exposure, etc. plus she shows off her properly pumps abs, arms and delts. In link #8 we have an open crotch view (with undies). In links #14, 15 and 18 we see brief nipple exposure. Thanks to Watty.

    Erin Daniels
    (1, 2)

    Topless and partial frontal nudity (with bush) in scenes from the Robin Williams movie, "One Hour Photo" (2002).

    Charlotte Ross
    (1, 2)

    The "NYPD Blue" star looking fantastic in a bikini scene with thong views from the made for TV movie "Kidnapped in Paradise" (1999).

    Amanda Ryan
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13)

    Mostly breasts, but the other 2 B's make an appearance as well in these Señor Skin 'caps from the UK movie "Metroland" (1997).

    Pat Reeder
    Pat's comments in yellow...

    All That Glitters Is Not Good - Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck's "Gigli" opens Friday, and so far, it has a "0 percent" positive rating at the movie review site. One critic called it "the worst movie ever made," another said he had to watch "Glitter" to wash it out of his head, and a third said it confirms the "South Park" guys' claim that a hand puppet is a better actor than J-Lo. Their next movie, "Jersey Girl," is set for release in February, but tabloids quote insiders as saying that J-Lo blames the publicity about their relationship for the bad reviews and is so upset, she's vowed never to co-star with Ben again.

  • So there's a bright side to every horrible disaster.
  • It must be the publicity, because this movie has a BRILLIANT script!
  • So what was to blame for the reviews of "Enough"?
  • She thinks the "South Park" guys are just jealous because her cartoon character gets to curse more than their's do.

    A MUST READ from The Onion!

    Terminated - Arnold Schwarzenegger has finally decided not to run for governor of California. But there will be no shortage of candidates: so far, 123 people have requested filing papers. Potential governors range from former L.A. Mayor Richard Riordan to anti-SUV columnist Arianna Huffington to Angelyne, the wealthy, curvaceous blonde who's been putting her scantily-clad image on L.A. billboards for years in a failed attempt to become a star.

  • She'd be a great governor: her chest is even bigger than Arnold's!
  • She'll get the plastic surgeon vote, and in California, that may be enough to win.
  • The sad part is, any one of them is better than Gray Davis.

    Here's Mum In Your Eye! - Police in Jackson, Michigan, are investigating a weird assault claim in which a 23-year-old man accused a dancer at a strip club of squirting him in the eyes with breast milk. A police spokesman said she'd apparently just had a baby and was lactating, and now the man is afraid of contracting some sort of disease through the eyes. Doctors say that's unlikely, since most people's natural reaction is to close their eyes when squirted in the face with something.

  • A 23-year-old man that close to a stripper can't close his eyes for ANYTHING.
  • Police suspect the man is just being a big baby.
  • Now, kinky guys are sitting up close and asking, "Got milk?"

    The Butler Did Her - Elizabeth Taylor's former landscaper, Willem Van Muyden, is suing her, alleging that he wasn't paid for creating a "jungle garden" modeled after Disneyland's for her and that he was fired for rebuffing her young butler/lover's sexual advances. Van Muyden claims the butler told him he was having an affair with Taylor but needed Viagra to get aroused. He said the butler then groped him, and after being rebuffed, said he had to leave because he "had to go jump on the old trampoline." Shortly afterward, Van Muyden was fired. He said Taylor once told him she was the "Queen of Dignity."

  • Sound like the Queen has a full house of Jokers.
  • Turns out the butler was the real Queen.
  • He's suing because the old trampoline bounced him.
  • Her best friend is Michael Jackson: compared to him, she DOES have a dignified sex life!