to: Scoop

re: Teri Hatcher

I just read today's funhouse (6-19-06) and in particular the letter from DS leading off the page about JLH, but one thing was inaccurate on his comments.

"Personally, I think she is afraid of the "Teri Hatcher effect": after Teri's appearance on "Seinfeld" and becoming a regular on "Lois & Clark" made her a household name, she finally bared her chest in "Heaven's Prisoners". The view left audiences with a collective "they are real, but they are definitely NOT spectacular." After that, Teri was a nobody until "Desperate Housewives" (a gap of 8 years). I can't decide if it was a boob job or just a push-up bra that has helped her, recently."

You as well as I (and any aficionados of celebrity nudity) know that Teri's first nude scene was in "The Cool Surface" with Robert (T2, X-files) Patrick, in multiple dream sequences during which she uttered the cinema classic line of "Do anything you want to me.....anything."

It hurts me to see people think she only bared her assets in that dismal post-Lois and Clark movie with Alec Baldwin, when she was older, thinner, and not nearly as hot as she was in the earlier film. They were real and while not super fabulous, I wouldn't think twice about enjoying them.

Anyway just wanted to let you know so you can correct DS's comments and let those who believe that awful truth can be enlightened.


Scoop's note: Your chronology is right, and Hatcher did look much better in The Cool Surface, but DS retold the story as everyone remembers it, so it's embedded in our collective unconscious that way. I think I've mentioned before that this is always the first thing outsiders ask me about when they find out about my web page. Let's say I'm playing golf with my son and we're paired up with two other guys. We get to talkin', and eventually one or the other guy will say to me, "Why did Hatcher do that nude scene on the balcony? Man, I wanted her so bad before that, and then when I saw it all, my hard-on went pfffft!" Based on my golf foursomes, that scene must have deflated more erections than any other moment in human history.

I guess the Heaven's Prisoners scene was so memorable because it happened AFTER her successful career had created an unrealistically ideal image of her, a demand to see her naked, and a very high expectation for the results of that sight. Lois and Clark was on from 1993-1997, and Heaven's Prisoners hit the video shelves in 1997, pretty much at the peak of her visibility, during a period when she was probably at or near the top of those "sexiest women" polls.

I guess the saddest part of it is that she really didn't look bad. If you saw a woman who looked like that in real life, I'm pretty sure you'd find your hard-on to respond just fine ... but the point was that she didn't look like the goddess we expected. Cripe, who could have looked as good as we expected her to? She probably should never have done the scene. After all, how many 33-year-old actresses could stand outdoors in daylight stark naked, face the camera, and look just as good as we imagined in our fantasies? They'd have to have no sag at all, no signs of weight gain/loss, and have spent the previous six months in the gym. And even then there are probably only a handful of Hollywood actresses who could pull it off.

As for Teri ... She STILL looks fine to me ...  hell, I'd still be happy to look at her thin li'l naked body, and ten more years have passed since that scene!

As for JLH ... Y'know, if she had gotten nekkid in about 1998, when she was about 19, I'll bet she would have looked spectacular, but I have this to say to JLH today, "Ask not for whom the biological alarm clock tolls. It tolls for thee." She's still only 27, but the sands are runnin' pretty fast through that hourglass.


Other Crap:

"Did somebody once go aloft in a lawn chair tied to a bunch of helium balloons? "

Bill Maher shows his audition tape for Presidential Press Secretary

"'Cars' became the 50th film distributed by Walt Disney Studios to pass the $100 million mark in domestic grosses - a first for any major studio."

Cars, as reviewed by The Filthy Critic. He liked it.

  • "Rather than cram a heartwarming story down our throats like a ham sandwich into Mama Cass, Pixar fills Cars with authentic detail that doesn't need to be there just to sell tickets. It's as though--get this--they give a shit about the story. Fuck, I wish that didn't feel like such a novelty. It does, though."

The Rolling Bridge at Paddington Basin

Some top-notch journalism from The Sun: "DOZENS of German farmhands perform pelvic thrusts with giant cow bells over their dingalings"

The trailer from The Plague

  • "Some things will never change; crime will always pay someone, your friends will always be your family, and hate will always breed hate. As the world shrinks and the class divide grows, it's survival of the quickest on the streets of inner city London. "The Plague" follows four young friends as they do what they can to get by and get high in the world they are trapped in. This debut feature film from acclaimed director Greg Hall, was winner of Mike Leigh's inaugural Katrin Cartlidge Award. Featuring music from London's underground hip hop scene; freestyle legends such as Skinnyman and DJ Flip lent their full collaboration to the film's superb soundtrack. Greg Hall's gritty and genuine expression of his own experiences growing up draws parallels with La Haine, and takes the audience on an uncompromising ride through urban life."

Listen up, foo'! You've found the Mr. T Jibba Jabba Archive!

Daily Show: President Bush rags on a blind reporter for wearing shades.

Bush Book Celebrates Handicap Humor - "Cripple Quips: The Really Funny Humor Of George W. Bush."

David Schwimmer wins $400K defamation judgment, but remains a geek.

Photo Gallery - NBA Finals Cheerleaders

P.J. O'Rourke on our China trade policy. "Trapped in the theater of Maoism, the Chinese finally noticed the emergency exit marked 'Adam Smith.'"

Realistic big puppet walking through the streets

In case you haven't seen it - Jennifer Aniston's brief nude scene in The Break-Up

"Jessica Alba Sucks"

I-Mockery's Great American Road Trip

Des Moines' well-endowed flood control (You have to see the picture in order to "get it")

The Kevin Federline Show: Father's Day

The Da Vinci Code Up to $678.5M Worldwide

  • Although it is below $200m domestically, it has grossed $480m overseas! It has worn the foreign box office crown for the last five weekends


  • "The contestants included Danny DeVito, Dr. Joyce Brothers, Camryn Manheim, Rosie O'Donnell and Ed Asner."

Putting to rest rumors that the Superman character may be gay, director Bryan Singer revealed that, in a surprise ending to the film, he marries Liza Minelli.


Movie Reviews:

Yellow asterisk: funny (maybe). White asterisk: expanded format. Blue asterisk: not mine. No asterisk: it probably sucks.


Erotic Agent (2003)

Erotic Agent is a recent comedy entry in the Hong Kong Category Three category. A young scholar, who is more or less a dunce, is endlessly teased by three men, but the leader of the three has a sister that is taken with the scholar. The scholar also has another benefactor, the Immortal Goddess (Bessie Chan). When he befriends the Immortal Judge, who has the power over life and death, his life is really looking up. The Judge rearranges his internal organs a bit until and he is no longer a dunce, and then Junko Akeno is summoned to give him some sex lessons.

Unfortunately, the Immortal Judge and the Immortal Goddess used to be an item. Given the definition of immortality, and the lack of other options about a billion or so years ago, it is not surprising that the two immortals once turned to one another for company. Give them another billion years and they will probably be stuck with one another again. Unfortunately, they are now estranged, and the Immortal Goddess attempts a scorned woman's revenge that could be a disaster to our scholar.

There is very good news in the flubtitle department:

I am guessing a dummy ache is the result of too much booze.

Unless you are porny, you can't get a date in ancient China.

He should have just sent an email.

A few notes:

  • The music is totally off the wall. The one tune I recognized behind a sex scene was Red River Valley, of all things.
  • There's plenty of nudity, but the sex scenes are too long and rather tedious.
  • This film does not take itself at all seriously, and both male leads have a real flair for comedy.

Given copious flesh and some laughs, this film is OK as a mindless watch. C- on our scale.

IMDb has not discovered this one yet.

Bessie Chan - full frontal and rear more than once.
Junko Akeno - full frontal and rear more than once.







The righteous folk down at Something Weird Video packaged three old B & W movies into one neat DVD, all with the theme of mating behaviors in the suburbs of Dallas. Well, perhaps not quite so sophisticated a place as that. These are places, instead, where a girl of 12 who can outrun her brothers is called a certain name....virgin. And where even after they divorce, a guy and a gal are still brother and sister. The titles of the movies are

  • Common Law Wife
  • Jennie: Wife/Child
  • Moonshine Love.

The first two offer little more than tease, so the Something Weird folk gave us Moonshine because they know what we like. Moonshine Love can be fully explained with three little words: carrot masturbation scene. Yep. Let me 'splain something to ya.

Three guys in a strip club (where else) plan a robbery. At the scene of the robbery, which goes about as well as anything you've ever planned in strip clubs, one guy skeedadles by hitching a ride in a pickup driven by a moonshiner and his two gals (who are not daughters but are much younger than he is and seem to like hanging around). The robber falls off the truck and, as is the way of these things, suffers complete retrograde amnesia...he cannot remember a thing. Life is idyllic for a while but his partners catch up with him and so things look bad for about five minutes until greed goes one way and love goes another. The End.

Three gals never to appear again before a motion picture camera give up major goodies in Moonshine Love. There is an uncredited stripper who goes topless in a dance that lasts almost five minutes.  And then the two moonshiner gals take over and do the triple B bingo. Genie Palmer does most of the nekkidness and it is she who I am sending in today.  Over a fifteen minute span, Genie flashes her boobs in a shirt cut down to her navel, does a four-minute masturbation scene with A CARROT, takes a topless bath in the stream and then boffs our amnesiac anti-hero. The carrot scene is el primo. Mutliple-angle full-body exposure....the kind of thing I wish Barbara Eden had done early in her career. It would kill me but I would die happy. And wait till you see the damn carrot. I've never seen anything look so much like a schlong that wasn't a schlong. Amazing. If you saw the guy in this film you would wonder why Genie chose him over her large, orange friend.

Genie goes topless, intentionally or forcibly, a couple more times in the movie, which means she spends about twenty minutes with her very attractive hooties out in the open. Talk about leading with your strengths. Don't know where she was found, but for a very brief while she was in her element, starring in a movie that required certain natural gifts and absolutely no talent.

Here are the film clips. (Large download. Four .avis zipped together, about 40 meg.)


Genie Palmer







Oh, no. It looks like my timing is not good. Hankster-sense ... tingling. DS wants a boycott of Jennifer Love Hewitt, but this is what I had ready, so it's JLH or nothing -  cleavage in "Confessions of a Sociopathic Social Climber".

Back tomorrow with nudity.






Pamela Segall is basically a voice actress. (She plays Bobby on King of the Hill). What a shame that she has kept these magnificent breasts off-camera so much! Here she is in Eat Your Heart Out
A paparazzo catches Audrey Tautou (Amelie, DaVinci Code) as she accidentally shows her scrawny but still nice goodies on the beach

Here are two zipped .avis of the stage routine performed by Melanie Griffith as a stripper in Fear City. One of her sexiest scenes, and I don't think Mel ever looked lovelier or was in better shape. (1, 2)
Stella Stevens in two of her B-movie classics you probably never heard of. I wouldn't exactly call this flagrant nudity, but those were different times. First, Monster in the Closet ...
... and then Stella Stevens in Las Vegas Lady

Pat's comments in yellow...

The New York Times reports that today, Swiss food conglomerate Nestle is expected to announce that it will pay $600 million to acquire Jenny Craig.  It's the first time the giant chocolate maker has invested in a weight loss company, but Jenny Craig has had a surprise turnaround thanks to their irreverent ads following the weight loss of "Fat Actress" star Kirstie Alley.

*  The irony: she got fat by eating 100,000 Nestle's Tollhouse Cookies.

*  With Jenny Craig owned by Nestles, no matter which way Kirstie's weight
fluctuates, she can still be their spokesperson.

Sunday was Father's Day, and Avon, Ohio, the Duct Tape Capital of the World, marked the occasion with the third annual Father's Day Duct Tape Festival.  Sponsored by Duck Brand Tape, the festival honors dad's favorite tool.  Aside from food, rides and entertainment, the festival included the crowning of a Duct Tape Dad of the Year, duct tape sculptures of everything from roses to picture frames, and the introduction of Duck's new Ultimate Duct Tape, for heavy duty jobs such as bundling lumber and holding cinderblocks in place.

*  Dad of the Year is gonna have a fun time ripping that crown off his head.

Rodney Harper of Indianapolis was arrested for bank robbery after leaving three forms of ID at the crime scene.  When he pulled his gun out of his pocket, he didn't realize he'd dropped three things on the floor: his check- cashing card, his phone bill and his birth certificate.  A police spokesman said, "He actually came...to rob the bank with his birth certificate," adding that when they rob a bank and leave their ID, "that's very helpful."

*  The irony? He could've gotten a larger loan from the bank with just two forms of ID.