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Pat's comments in yellow:
POTTER MANIA STRIKES AGAIN
Marketing Wizardry - "Harry
Potter and The Half-Blood Prince" finally went on sale Friday at midnight, and
parents and kids lined up for blocks
outside bookstores. It broke the record set by the last Potter book by selling
6.9 million copies in the first 24 hours, making an estimated $100
million, more than the combined take of the top two new movies, "Charlie & The
Chocolate Factory" and "Wedding Crashers."
* Somewhere in Hollywood, someone is already pitching
"Harry Potter & The Chocolate Factory."
* The final book will be called "Harry Potter & The Mountain of Mazuma."
* The "Harry Potter" books teach children valuable lessons, like how to nag
their parents into letting them stay up all night.
Nostalgic For The Michael Jackson Trial? -
Hollywood's fears that everyone would stay home all weekend to read were
unfounded. "Charlie & The Chocolate Factory" made a colossal $55 million.
* It made people so hungry for chocolate, the concession
stands made twice that.
* (CAREFUL!) Not counting the refunds given to people who thought "Charlie &
The Chocolate Factory" would be gay porn.
* It was a great weekend to go to the movies if you don't like putting up with
kids in the audience.
* They kept the lights on in the theaters so kids could read.
AMERICANS SHUN VACATIONS
Another Reason The French Hate Us - Mother Jones
magazine reports that Americans won't take a vacation. Of the 79 percent of US
workers who get yearly paid vacation days, 12 percent took fewer than three
off. Last year, Americans blew off 415 million days of paid vacation, opting to
work instead. Even when they do take a day off, 32 percent spend the time on
non-vacation activities, such as catching up on business e-mails. The reasons
for skipping vacation included fear of falling behind competitors, too much work
piles up while they're gone, and besides, only a third said they have better and
more frequent sex while traveling.
* And even that's only when they're on business trips
with their secretaries.
* The e-mails really pile up while they're looking at Internet porn at work.
* Gee, why would someone rather be at the office than locked up for 10 hours a
day in an SUV full of screaming kids?
SUN KICKED OUT OF KENTUCKY
My Cold Kentucky Home - The sun will no longer
smile on Kentucky: Mr. Smiley, the smiling sun who says, "Kentucky: It's that
friendly," is being removed from car license plates. Mr. Smiley was unveiled by
ex-Gov. Paul Patton in 2002 and met with such hatred and ridicule, sales of
vanity plates boomed just because he isn't on them. Many drivers who couldn't
afford vanity plates drew mustaches on Mr. Smiley, pasted frowny-face stickers
over him, or covered his face with duct tape.
* The new plates will read, "Kentucky: Where every
annoying problem can be fixed with duct tape!"
* But through it all, Mr. Smiley never stopped smiling...He's THAT friendly!
* Mr. Smiley will be replaced with Mr. Happy.
* That's why Patton is the ex-governor...They wrapped him up in duct tape, too.
BESTIALITY NEWS ROUND-UP (CAREFUL! NOTE SUBJECT!)
Gettin' Lucky - Alan Yoder, a blind man from
Tallahassee, Florida, is accused of having sex with his seeing-eye dog. He was
charged with
misdemeanor disorderly conduct, since Florida has no anti-bestiality law.
The charge came to light after a female acquaintance told a friend that
she'd declined Yoder's invitation to join him in a three-way sex act with his
male Labrador, Lucky.
* Yoder's defense: "Lucky is a DOG?!"
* He wanted to have sex with her while Lucky humped his leg.
* She told him he was barking up the wrong tree.
* He'll be allowed to keep the dog, but he has to change its name to Unlucky.
Just Getting His Kicks - The King County,
Washington, Medical Examiner ruled that a Seattle man died from injuries
sustained while having sex with a horse boarded on a local farm. The horse fell
on top of him. Animal advocates say it shows the need for the state to pass a
law banning
bestiality.
* Or the need to train horses how to have sex lying down.
* The horse, Mr. Ed, will act as his own attorney.
* This gives a new meaning to the term "saddle pals."
* The horse wasn't injured, but she certainly wasn't impressed, either.
* It was a male horse: it fell asleep right after sex and rolled over on top of
him.
SPEEDER BLAMES LACK OF BATHROOMS
"P" Is For "Protein" - 19-year-old Hayder Mobarak
of Ottawa, Canada, was caught driving 115 mph, nearly twice the speed limit.
His excuse: he'd overdosed on a protein drink and was desperately looking for a
bathroom. He said, "I wasn't thinking, I was in pain." The judge wasn't
sympathetic: he was fined $760 (US) and lost his driver's license for 30 days.
* I didn't know beer had protein!
* He's a typical bodybuilder: big muscles, tiny bladder.
* There were plenty of trees he could've gone behind, but he was driving too
fast to see them.
MAN IN WHEELCHAIR ATTEMPTS ARMED ROBBERY
He's Handicapable! - John Alan Pounds of Ellwood
City, Pennsylvania, was arrested after he allegedly made his 11-year-old nephew
push his wheelchair around a bar, rolling him up to different patrons in turn so
he could threaten them with a knife and rob them. Two patrons took the knife
away from him. Police said he cursed, spit and tried to punch them when they
arrested him, and he appeared to be "highly intoxicated."
* That's why his nephew was his designated driver.
* He was just trying to prove that disabled people can be just like anybody
else.
* You know, if he'd asked for money without the knife, he probably would've
gotten it.
INTELLIGENCE NOT RELATED TO HAPPINESS
The Simple Life - University of Edinburgh
researchers studied 550 elderly Scots and found that life satisfaction and
happiness in old age was not
associated with intelligence. They expected to find that more intelligent
people were happier, since society prizes intelligence, but it had its
downside. For instance, they said brainy people may achieve more, but they're
also more aware of life's alternatives, which can lead to frustration.
* And that's pretty much the plot of every Woody Allen
movie.
* So the happiest people are those born rich and stupid...More good news for
Paris Hilton.
* The researchers shouldn't be surprised: after all, they're very intelligent
and I'll bet they're unhappy with their sex lives.
"BLONDIE" TURNS 75
Hottest 100-Year-Old Chick Ever! - "Blondie" is
about to celebrate its 75th year in the comic pages. The strip, written by the
son of creator Chic Young, still ranks among the top five most popular strips.
Most readers are too young to remember that when they married in 1933, Blondie
Boopadoop was a sexy flapper and Dagwood was the son of wealthy parents who
disapproved of Blondie and disinherited him, which is why he has to work for Mr.
Dithers and live modestly in the suburbs.
* But take a gander at how well-preserved Blondie is: it
was WORTH it!
* Actually, they live modestly because Blondie buys so many hats.
* It's quite an achievement: the way Dagwood eats, he should've been dead 40
years ago.
DREW TO DIRECT WHEN HER BOOBS HIT THE FLOOR
Sorry, We're Looking For Young Directors - Drew
Barrymore announced that when her looks start to fade, she'll quit acting. She
said, "If my boobs fall down to the floor and it all starts sagging and is
hideous and gross and I shouldn't be in front of a camera, I love producing and
I'd love to direct."
* Preferably, from behind a curtain.
* Oh dear God, is THAT what directors look like?!!
* Or she could star in a female remake of "The Elephant Man."
* Bear in mind, she used to say she'd quit acting when she lost her baby teeth.
NEW FAD: SNAP-ON CELEBRITY TEETH
All Blindingly White - The New York Post reports
that Manhattan dentists are doing a booming business in celebrity teeth. For
about $100 per tooth, they create snap-on veneers that fit over your teeth but
look like the teeth of Halle Berry, Julie Roberts, Tom Cruise or other stars.
You can't eat with them, but they can give you a Hollywood smile on a date or in
photos. One publicist says she has three sets to choose from for various
occasions: "Julia," "Gwyneth" and "Sarah" (Jessica Parker). She said they're
all different looks, with "Gwyneth" being the sexiest.
* Maybe Gwyneth has them herself: nobody's ever seen her
eat.
* The Julia Roberts teeth aren't as popular as you'd think. Customers can't
fit them into their mouths...Plus, they're more expensive because
there's 46 of them.
* The Tom Cruise teeth look so good, you'll jump around and yell, "They're
AMAZING!!"...But one problem: when you wear them, you can't control your mouth.
* For some reason, the celebrity teeth fad has not caught on in England.
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