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Working links in the
members' page, text-only in the AdultCheck
version "The Last
Ride", (1994) from Johnny Web
A few weeks back, our
notorious humor columnist, Stone Cold, inferred
that I have gotten old and lost my edge. As
partial evidence, he cited the fact that I gave
Bill Shatner a lot of praise for his performance
in Free Enterprise. I wasn't too worried then,
but I got worried after I watched The Last Ride,
because I realized that I was also going to
praise Mickey Rourke. I know, I promise to get to
a doctor soon and get it looked after.
The Mick played a
laconic rodeo cowboy who spent 10 years in prison
on an inflated manslaughter rap. He had a limited
amount of dialogue in the film, but what he had
was effective, and he must have spent a lot of
time with the dialogue coach because his natural
northeastern accent was completely hidden in a
slow Montana drawl, and even his voice sounded
noticably different. Is it possible that the
world's worst leading man is actually going to
become a great character actor? What really
scares me is that I also liked him as Bruiser in
The Rainmaker. Oh, what am I saying? Stone Cold
was right. I'm getting soft.
There's no real reason
to watch this movie, by the way. Singer is a
chronic bank robber who had an incestuous
relationship with her psychotic brother. When she
survived a police shoot-out that wiped out the
remainder of her gang, her getaway path led her
to Rourke. Although she falls for Big Mick, and
resolves to keep him out of any trouble which
would get him back in the slammer, she still has
a hard time getting rid of some of her old bad
habits, like shootin', fightin', and bank
robbin'. When Mick gets pissed off about the
whole bank robbing thing, she resolves to wipe
out the past and begin afresh. And she does just
that, and finds a whole new life - robbing
convenience stores. The cops finally catch up
with her. Mick vows to stay by her side, and you
can figure out the rest.
The DVD has no extras at
all, not even a trailer. The only real
"feature" is a chapter selector, but
that's not exactly 22nd century technology, is
it? The print is also rather dark. Not
recommended. INFO: the movie is also known as
"FTW".
Lori Singer (1,
2,
3,
4,
5,
6,
7)
"The
Immortals", (1995) from Johnny Web
A poor Tarantino clone
with comically blundered crimes, crazily
excessive bload-soaked shootouts, criminals
wearing grotesque silly masks, the cross weaving
of many simultaneous plot threads, confusing
multiple double-crosses. You know the drill. A
blend of pulp violence, grotesque comic touches,
and testosterone. Eric Roberts recruits a gang of
eight shady non-criminals who are all dying,
under the theory that they will have nothing to
lose, and will boldly execute actions that
cautious men would never attempt. Stars Roberts
and Tony Curtis, so that should tell you all you
need to know about the quality of the movie.
Alisa Christensen Unknown
"Barbarella"
from Tuna
Barbarella has been done
by many people, and today was my turn. There is
an amazing amount of nudity and sex for a PG
film. It may be Fonda's best exposure. For those
who have never seen it, it is a space fantasy
where Fonda is sent by the President of Earth to
a distant planet to find a defector who designed
a weapon, and keep him from ending what has been
total peace. During the opening credits, Fonda
does a strip while weightless. It is tough to
cap, as most of the frames have text all over
them. I am very pleased with the results on this
one.
Thumbnials Jane Fonda (1,
2,
3,
4,
5,
6,
7,
8,
9,
10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20)
"Last
Night" from Tuna
How would you spend your
last 6 hours on earth? That is the subject of
Last night, the directorial debut of Canadian
actor/writer Don McKeller. Based on this first
effort which won many international awards, we
are going to be seeing a lot of him. It is 6 pm,
and life on earth is ending precisely at
midnight. We don't know how or why, but we do
know that it is inevitable, and people have known
for a few months. We also know that the sun has
not been setting. As the film opens, the head of
the local gas company is calling each of his
customers to thank them for their business, wish
them well, and assure them that the gas will be
on right up to the end. His female employee has
come in to work the swing shift, and will be
spending her last few hours on earth at the
office. A widower is due at his parents to
celebrate an early Christmas, as his mother wants
to relive the family's best moments. His best
friend is busily working his way through a
checklist of sexual things he has never tried. An
oriental woman is trying to get home to her
husband so they can commit a double suicide and
cheat the end of the world.
As these subplots play
out, they cross paths in unusual and interesting
ways. The writing is intelligent, the pace is
good, the photography is colorful and artistic
and there is not a single flat performance by any
of the Canadian actors and actresses. There are
no special effects, no scientists trying to
prevent the disaster, and no heroics. Rather this
is a character driven story that will not only
entertain, but will give you much to think about.
Both scenes of nudity involve the man who is
trying to fulfill his sexual fantasies. In the
first, he makes love to a woman (Karen Glave)
because she is black. Her only motivation is that
she wanted an orgasm on her last day on earth.
Later, he fulfills another fantasy by deflowering
a virgin (Tracy Wright). Both scenes were shot
with a magenta filter and are dark, but I was
able to pull the images out. Note that the images
are much clearer than in the actual film. Both of
these women are major Canadian actresses, and
this is the only known exposure for either one.
If you are not addicted to action, rent this
indie. And, by all means, watch for the next
effort by McKeller.
Thumbnials Karen Glave (1,
2,
3,
4,
5,
6,
7,
8)
Tracy Wright (1,
2,
3,
4,
5,
6,
7,
8)
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