Jet Lag (2002) has Juliette Binoche and Jean Reno stranded in Paris due to adverse weather and transportation strikes. They meet when she borrows his cell phone after accidently flushing hers down the toilet. She is a make-up expert fleeing an abusive relationship. He once was a famous chef, but now does frozen foods and is merely. He also just ended a long term relationship. By now, you can guess that they end up together at the end of the film, but let me remove any doubts you may have had. They dislike each other at first. Binoche eventually shows the top of her breasts and about half the nipple, and her character is seen nude from the rear leaving a swimming pool.

They spend most of the film talking about cooking, relationships, feelings and emotions. The difference at IMDB between male and female votes is 1.2, a sure chick flick indicator, but I submit that the mere existence of both Relationship and feelings in a plot summary assures chick flick. Overall, the film scores 5.9 of 10, but with 7.0 from US voters, and 5.5 from the rest of the world. Ebert, two stars, Berardinelli, 2.5 stars. US box office was around $0.5M. Talky films in a foreign language are never good for me, even with subtitles and a dubbed English version. The subtlety that makes or breaks a dialogue heavy film is lost in even a very good translation. This is a C-. I hated it, and thought it a waste of two talented performers, others enjoyed it.

Dust (2002):

Take a guess which actor plays this part: an idealistic soul who pines for the true love of a woman who must ultimately belong to another.

Is your guess locked in?

Joseph "Shakespeare" Fiennes is the answer.

He plays that role even more than Djimon Hounsou plays the forbidding, buff black man who glares imposingly, and who seems to present the threat of violence and intense sexuality, but is actually the possessor of great mystical wisdom, resigned martyrdom, the gentle forgotten secrets of older cultures, and an inner nobility and compassion that guides white people on their path to spiritual enlightenment.

====

As for the movie, well, nobody can accuse director Milcho Manchevski of lacking ambition. I don't know if I have ever seen a film where a director tried to do more things, and each of the things he tried to do was pretty damned daring as well.

How to describe it? Imagine if the old lady from Titanic had told, as her flashback, a version of Sam Peckinpaugh's The Wild Bunch, except with Bliiy Zane recklessly killing passengers with today's levels of ultra-graphic, ultra-realistic violence. Now throw in a secret chest of gold instead of the Titanic necklace, ala The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly, and you've got the idea. Now imagine that her flashback also included its own flashbacks. And then imagine in her modern incarnation that she's involved in more shenanigans and crime action, and that she's telling her story not to friendly researchers, but to a guy who broke into her house. Oh, yeah, one more thing. Imagine that she keeps changing her story for several reasons, perhaps faulty memory, or perhaps just because she likes the embellished version better.

Sound confusing?

Well, there you have Dust, more or less. It is confusing at times, but it all makes sense if you pay attention.

An old lady prevents a guy from robbing her home. She forces the robber to listen to her story at gunpoint. Her story is about a Cain and Abel pair of brothers who end up fighting on opposite sides in a struggle in Macedonia at the turn of the century. The Macedonian part of the adventure alone is complicated enough or perhaps too complicated for a movie, because there are about four separate warring factions (Greeks, Serbians, Albanians, and Macedonians? Maybe. I lost track.) There are scenes where group A ambushes and massacres Group B, celebrating until they are in turn ambushed and massacred by group C. The brothers are aligned with various factions for various reasons - one is a bible-totin' idealist, the other is a ruthless mercenary.

In flashback, we find that the American brothers were both in love with the same woman back in the Wild West, although strangely enough, they all spoke with crazy non-American accents back then, and David Wenham (the bad brother) even put a few shrimp on the barbie, mate. The good one (Shakespeare) married her and wrote her some sonnets and shit, but she then had an affair with the bad one. And so forth.

And then there is the chest full of gold.

Meanwhile, back in the present day, the old woman loses control of her hostage because she turns gravely ill, but he comes back anyway, making a pilgrimage to hear the rest of the story. He's interested in what happened to the gold, of course, but he's also just plain interested in the old lady and her relationship to the story she is recounting, and he wonders if anything she said is true, since she freely admits to making up whatever she cares to.

Alternating between many time frames and sub-plots, alternating between fantasy and realism, shifting genres from spaghetti western to modern-day gangster film to historical war epic to sentimental romance, this film dares to go anywhere and everywhere. If it doesn't really work perfectly, you have to admire the sheer reckless bravado of a director who would try such a thing. Like PTA in Magnolia, this director is too crazy to know the quixotic nature of the project or the precise odds he's facing in making such a ludicrous and complicated premise work. Frankly, I like when these ambitious directors throw common sense and caution to the wind and just make films filled with passion and craziness. After all, isn't that a big part of what we like about films to begin with?

Based on this description, this is a C+. Crazy-ass film that just wanders all over the place. Sensitive and insensitive and insane all at once. Sometimes confusing, and not very well acted (lots of non-Americans with outrageous American accents), but ultimately, quite appealing. If not a masterpiece, at least an ambitious, original attempt.

• Anne Brochet - breasts and buns (1, 2, 3, 4)
• Anonymous hooker - breasts and buns in a bathtub scene. Her crotch is also on camera briefly, but it's obvious that she's wearing a patch.
• Rosemary Murphy - she shows her breasts, but I don't think you'll find it very arousing. She's 76 years old, and she was getting medical treatment at the time.

Jet Lag (2002):

original French title: Décalage horaire, which means "Lame French version of every J-Lo movie ever made".

I agree with Tuna completely on this piece of merde.

I'll bet you think that the French only make deep, honorable, arty, talky movies about weighty philosophical matters and lost loves and roads not taken. Think again, dudes. This is your basic Matthew McConaughey movie, what one reviewer at IMDb called "second-rate romantic comedy drivel", except with a few modifications:

1. The part of Kate Hudson, slash Doris Day, is played by Juliette Binoche.

2. The part of Matthew McConaughey, slash Rock Hudson, is played by Jean Reno. (???!!!!)

3. It's in French.

Apparently this is an attempt to break the "French movie" stereotypes and prove that France can "do" Hollywood, and that French actresses can have just as many face lifts and wear just as much make-up as Cher.

You may be tempted to see it because you like Reno or Binoche or both. Don't. Film Threat wrote: "This film will probably appeal to some North Americans because of the talent involved (that and the fact it’s French). Don’t be fooled – this film is a sticky piece of cinematic merde."

Actually, the easiest thing in the world to do is to review Jean Reno movies.

• If he wears sunglasses: cool movie.

• No sunglasses: movie sucks in unlimited quantities, even draining the secret strategic Vatican Holy Water reserve,

This is a C-. If you actually like romantic comedy drivel, it's a barely acceptable one in French with major stars. If not, it's manure. I don't much like Matthew McConaughey - Kate Hudson - J-Lo movies, and I found this excruciating. It almost broke my heart to see the iconic Reno, the coolest Frenchman since Belmondo, playing a complete douchebag in this merde.

• Juliette Binoche (1, 2, 3)

The Simple Life (2003):

This is the TV series with Paris Hilton and her foul-mouthed sidekick trying to survive 30 days on a farm.

I looked at it only because it advertised "outrageous bonus footage never seen on TV". Rip-off. There is nothing at all outrageous about it.

The show isn't really that amusing, either. Paris, for all her jet-setting party girl reputation, seems like just a sweet girl, and not really that spoiled, just totally clueless about how real people live. When things don't go her way on the farm, she never really seems mean or whiny, just world-weary, feckless, and confused. Richie provides the only real energy to the show with her uncensored, often condescending behavior.

I'll say this for Paris. Perhaps money can't buy happiness, but it apparently can buy beauty if you have the right bones to begin with. She truly has an exquisite, beautiful, unique face.

Since I watched this crap, I did do a few face and bikini shots, just for reference purposes.

• Paris thumbnails

• Paris (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

Movies from Shiloh:

Perhaps these tips will help if you have trouble with the codecs:

Shiloh says:

FYI when I hypercam vids to make the file size smaller I use DivX MPEG-4 Fast-Motion for the video compressor, then I use virtualdub to compress the audio. The properties for the vids says the video codec:  DivX Decoder Filter & audio codec:  Morgan Stream Switcher which I'm not familiar with. When I compress the audio with virtualdub I use MPEG Layer-3.  A friend of mine told me about compressing the audio about (6) mos. ago. Like I said previously, only been capping for a year & a half & I'm no expert. Hopefully this info will help members with the proper codecs for my vids.

 

When I cap big brother's I use hypercam mostly & sdp & asfrecorder if the set up allows me. I stopped using camtasia cause the file sizes were always too big, could never figure out the process, over my head lol, plus it cost too much to buy in my opinion.

You mentioned that some users were having trouble with the videos on your site. There is a tool designed to determine what codec is needed for a video. http://www.headbands.com/gspot/ Hope this is useful to you or your users.

Scoop says:

I made .wmv versions of each video -  I do know the codecs for these - Windows Video V8, Windows Audio 9. The upside of these is that you know the codecs, and they'll play in the Windows Media Player. The downside is that they are slightly larger, and slightly lower quality.

 

Today's roster of classics:

• Lysette Anthony shows everything in Looking for Eileen  (.avi version, .wmv version).

• Cybill Shepherd in The Last Picture Show (.mpg version, .wmv version)

Today's roster of new stuff:

• Charlotte Rampling in Swimming Pool. You picked this as one of the 20 best nude scenes of 2003. (.wmv version only)

• Diane Keaton in Something's Gotta Give. You picked this as one of the 10 best nude scenes of 2003. (.avi version, .wmv version).

MAILBOX:

Hey Scoop,

I’ve noticed something about MTV. Back in my day (wow, I must be getting old) MTV was where “underground” acts could come out and gain national exposure. Nowadays, anyone who willingly appears on MTV is a sellout (save for award shows or either of the videos they play). I thought I was making this up when Snoop Dogg got his own show on MTV. I mean, gosh darn it, there is no way Snoop Dogg could be a sellout! Alas, when I saw him in an AOL ad (with Jerry Stiller nonetheless!), my fears were confirmed.

Of course, you might ask “What about Ozzy? Is he a sellout?” No, he’s not. He’s no longer capable of extended thought and “willful” decisions. If he led the life he did without being a rock star, he would have been institutionalized by now. He is absolved of any public actions and personal disgraces. Sharon is the sellout. Don’t believe me? She has her own friggin’ talk show!

Does this phenomenon include MTV2? Not yet.

So when did all this happen? When did MTV go from “rebel against the world” to corporate shill? The obvious answer was when there were more videos in one episode of “Beavis and Butthead” than on the rest of MTV’s programming schedule. About the same time when “Yo, MTV Raps!”, “120 Minutes” and “Headbangers Ball” were replaced by “Real World” and “Road Rules”. But why did MTV go that way?

About 10 years ago, MTV decided to follow all the young people to Spring Break and broadcast live from there. They would have stupid contests so “ordinary” people could be on MTV. But the full allure wasn’t quite there. Everyone knows “Real World” didn’t take off until Puck started to fudge things up. So, who was the original Puck of MTV? Who was that person who was so irritating and annoying that you could not possibly turn the channel? MTV Spring Break correspondent Pauly Shore.

Yes, Pauly Shore was the harbinger of doom for the “rebel against the world” MTV and ushered in “Real World” MTV. Before he gave us masterpieces like “Encino Man”, “Son In Law”, “Jury Duty” and “Bio-Dome” he brought down MTV like Samson in a Philistine palace.

Thanks a lot, fuckface.

===================

Scoop,

Mischa Barton, the hot young star of The O.C., won't be 18 for another week. Here she is topless and getting it on with Senor Iglesias. in his new video. Can we get someone to cap this? http://www.mtv.com/bands/az/iglesias_enrique/artist.jhtml  (Click on the "Addicted" video)

===================

Uncle Scoopy:

OTHER CRAP:

• What if Chris Walken had a kiddie show? SPECIAL TV- "Uncle Chris's Funhouse"
• The top 10 movie sing-a-longs. Hilariously missing the scene that is not only the best sing-along, but probably the single most stirring movie scene of any kind, ever, a scene which reduces tough guys to tears. Here's a good tip for you youngsters. Don't try to write a "best of" movie list if you have never seen any good movies. (In this case, Casablanca.)
• Academy Award winner Jane Fonda will return to the screen after a 14-year hiatus to star opposite Jennifer Lopez in New Line Cinema's comedy Monster-in-Law. Fonda and J-Lo? Warning: Pete Rose is betting heavily that this movie won't suck.
• Gallup Poll Analyses - Bush Averages 60% Job Approval in Year Three: "For that third year, Bush averaged a 59.7% job approval rating, which is average by historical standards, but considerably lower than Bush's first two yearly averages. "
• If you are in Boinita Beach, Florida, don't miss a chance to visit - Master Bait and Tackle. "Jeez, Jim, how do ya catch so fuckin' many fish." "A simple tip, Manny - Master Bait. I recommend Master Bait in the morning on your way to the ol' fishin' hole, and then Master Bait again after lunch, to keep your tackle fresh."
• Quizno's defends "vulgar" billboard It doesn't seem that vulgar to me, but then again I think The Diceman could be a member of the European Royal Families.
• Jessica Simpson's nipple creeping out in public.
• Celebrity Justice' has learned that one of the allegations is that Michael Jackson ejaculated in the presence of his accuser. Black singers are always changing their names. Puff Daddy to P. Diddy, etc. So Jacko is now E. Jacko. Oh, wait, that only applies to black guys. Never mind.
• Local Weather Page - Mt Washington, New Hampshire At the time I wrote this link, the temperature was -41 degrees, the humidity 100%, the winds were 76 miles an hour (gusting to 86), resulting in a wind chill of -91 degrees Farenheit. Did I mention the fog? The good news: no ultraviolet rays, so sun bathing is perfectly safe.
• The 10 LEAST powerful people in sports
• Great new commercial from Priceline.com -- . Starring our hero, Captain Kirk, and a surprise visitor.
• Captain Kirk, 72 and overweight, tries to go surfing. The waves proved tougher than the Klingons.
• Photograph shows Marines in Iraq spelling out the phrase "9-11 We Remember."
• Jon Stewart. Daily Show. Paul O'Neill. Donald Rumsfeld. 'nuff said.
• CBS says Super Bowl ads are for fun stuff only. The Network nukes PETA and MoveOn.
• Innocent Kids Use Jar Jar Dolls As Pleasure Tools!: "Life Sized Satanic Doll Serves As Masturbation Toy For America's Youth "
• The trailer for Starsky & Hutch is online. I did laugh a couple of times, especially at the very last scene.
• The Brooklyn Nets? Sale reportedly imminent
• Surreal moments serving a mythological president: Great "meeting anecdote" from O'Neill. Ashcroft on the piano, Condi singin' , Dubya nappin'. Hey, Reagan really is his mentor!
• The Entire Bible in 50 Words
• JoePornstar.com. "Welcome to JoePornstar.com where you will have the chance to win your way onto the most controversial reality site on the net and become a real life Pornstar! Not only will the winner get to bang 25 hot chicks on cam, they will even get paid to do it!"
• Silicon Or Real? Can you tell?
• The new video for the cover of the Airplane's Somebody to Love comes quite close to nudity and obscenity. It is kinda cute, though. This chick can sing, but I hate the arrangement.
• Star Wars - Chewbacca actor Peter Mayhew said that when he signed his contract to work in EPISODE III, there was a clause that he would be 'required' to work in EPISODES VII, XIII and IX.
• Paris Hilton out on the town without her underwear, yet again.
• Chris P Carrot for President -Carrot2004.com. Chris would be the only President to be a vegetable while in office. Possibly excepting Gerald Ford.
• U.K. DVD seizures quintuple: "Authorities in the U.K. seized 1.75 million pirate DVDs in 2003, five times more than the previous year. "
• First Film Review: "Carandiru" (Premiere at Sundance)
• AP Poll: Fame Not a Factor in Trials: "Most Americans believe Michael Jackson, Kobe Bryant and Martha Stewart will get fair trials." Of course, most Americans probably believe pro wrestling is real.
• What could be better than "The Best of William Shatner"? Spaced Out: The Best of Leonard Nimoy AND William Shatner . Mr Tambourine Man? MR TAMBOURINE MAN!!!!!
• Handy NFL QB Rating Calculator. Calculate any rating for a day, season, or lifetime, with or without the theoretical floors and ceilings. With the limits, it ranges from 0 to 158.3. If unrestricted, it would range from -415 (interception every attempt) to +835 (100 yard touchdown every attempt)
• Dennis Miller to host talk show on CNBC
• Al Gore is schedulaed to give a speech on 'global warming' at the Beacon Theater today. Unfortunately, the speech may be called off because of the record cold temperatures, snow, and high winds.
• The top lingerie models
• Tiger Woods's income was $83.7 million last year. The second highest income among athletes belonged to long-retired Arnold Palmer.
• Sexy British TV star Abi Titmuss has a mountain or two of cleavage.
• Britney believes in the sanctity of marriage. The sanctity part she's OK with. That was two of the most sacred fuckin' days of her life. It's the longevity part she needs work on.
• DJ Portia Surreal - the fetish DJ. Fetish DJ's are in now? Wow. I still go through the channels looking for Wolfman Jack and Cousin Brucie. Of course, Cousin Brucie rarely got naked on his gigs.
• Screen Actor's Guild announces annual nominations. The biggest surprise was a number of nominations for The Station Agent (which it deserved, by the way). Patricia Clarkson was nominated for both best actress (Station Agent) and best supporting actress (Pieces of April).
• Do you have $1300 lying around? Want to get into some DVDA with a porn star? I think we've found your girl ... adult jobs i want & my rates - porn star Selena Silver.
• The T.W.I.N.K.I.E.S. Project Scientific experiments with Hostess Twinkies.
• Entrance to vulvology
• Super Quiz! Learn about Dutch Renaissance Art the fun way - with Sandy Duncan!
• Coming Soon! has some exclusive clips from The Cooler
• The trailer for Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen is now online. Skip this one unless you are less than 14 years old and possess a minimum of one vagina.
• Canucks hate icy twats and merry snow-dicks. This story breathes new life to the old expression "colder than a witch's tit".
• Review to consider reusing graves in England. The United Kingdom is running out of burial space.
• The Anti-Hippie Action League
• Scientists create female attractiveness formula. Take her breast size and multiply, no divide, no wait ... just take her breast size.
• Say What? Take a pic (or upload one) and make it talk. Mail it to friends and/or store it. Awesome time-waster from Hanes.
• Here's an example of some of the time I wasted with that Hanes thingy.
• According to the defense, Kobe Bryant's alleged victim may have had sex with another man after she left the Los Angeles Laker star's hotel room but before a rape exam 18 hours later. In fact, she may have had unprotected sex with Ron Jeremy and the entire defensive unit of the Denver Broncos, then sparred a few rounds with Mike Tyson before going to the doctor. The prosecution argues that has no bearing on the case.
• Why is the 3-disk deluxe edition of Blade Runner, complete with scenes never seen before, on hold? (And what can you do about it?)
• Daily Mouseketeer update - the Toxic video.
• Democrats see shot at Sundance money: "Democratic National Committee, Howard Dean supporters and organizers of MoveOn.org have scheduled screenings and fund-raisers in Park City next week."
• inSCRIPTions Screenplay Review: "I, Robot"
• Cameron Diaz has booked her own travel series with MTV

Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the ones above, since it's sorta in real time.

Click here to submit a URL for inclusion in Other Crap

MOVIE REVIEWS:

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

• Monica Bellucci, the Italian mega-babe bares all in "Malčna" (2000).

Be sure to pay Graphic Response a visit at his website. www.graphic-barry.com.

Exotic Dance Lessons...

Former stripper Fawnia Mondey has produced, directed, written and starred in a six part Exotic Dance Lessons series of videos which she is distributing from www.exoticdancelessons.com in both DVD and VHS formats. The hottest titles are "Lap Dancing and Entertaining Your Man" and "Fawnia Live on Stage".

Lapdancing: Fawnia nude demonstrating how to take off brassiere, panties, and of course on how to perform a lapdance.

• Fawnia Mondey (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

"Fawnia Live on Stage": Fawnia nude in a dark striptease and then doing a pole dance in skimpy bikini.

• Fawnia Mondey (1, 2)

"Fawnia Live on Stage": Denisa Ronzani in skimpy bikini demonstrating some dance moves.

• Denisa Ronzani (1, 2)

"The Abductors"
From the "so bad it's good" division of the "they don't make 'em like they used to" department comes 1972's The Abductors, a totally fascinating (and really bad) action sexplotation film.

In 1972 they were not yet able to grind out this type of movie on video tape in two weeks with a crew of 10, so this movie used real film, a real production crew, and real boobs (mostly :-). Comparing the production to what gets churned out nowadays is the most interesting part of watching this movie, but make no mistake, it's pretty lame.

Even so, there is a plot a female superspy goes on the trail of cheerleaders and models being kidnapped and sold by a white slavery ring. Plenty of opportunity for tons of nudity and some great campy bondage scenes. In it's own way, this is really kind of a classic. DVD quality is not great, as you'd expect from a '72 flick, but there's still plenty to see.

• Cheri Caffaro
• Jennifer Brooks
• Unknowns

• Kim Cattrall

Also...here's a link to software that helps identify what codecs are required to play video files. It will even tell you if those codecs are installed on your machine. It's called Gspot.

A note from Junior, download at your own risk. Not that I don't trust the dude, but as a general rule if I can't get software from download.com or directly from the software company's website, I wont bother.

A JUICY STORY: TOMATO SAUCE SHUTS DOWN FREEWAY
Was It A V-8 Truck? - Traffic had to be rerouted off of U.S. 40 near Zanesville, Ohio, Tuesday after a tractor trailer truck overturned, spilling 40,000 pounds of Del Monte tomato juice, ketchup and spaghetti sauce all over the road. Most of it had to be flushed away with fire hoses, but about 1,500 pounds was salvaged and given to a food bank.