The Return to the House on Haunted Hill


I watched this straight-to-DVD film in fast forward, so I can't tell you much other than that it has the most important element for any haunted house movie: beautiful naked lesbian ghosts. Although it seemed like just a bunch of people waving guns at one another in the present and a bunch of sepia-hued flashbacks, this may be, for all I know, the Citizen Kane of beautiful topless lesbian ghost movies.

Various Eastern European chicks:

A film clip of Xeniya Fesenko and Oksana Borbat. Samples below.

The topless chick in this film clip might be Tanya Nedeleva, or maybe Iva Atanasova, or perhaps Jasmina Jackova. They are credited simply as "models," and only one of the three was topless. Does it matter? Samples below.


The Heartbreak Kid


The Farrelly Brothers have always occupied a special place in my family's heart. Dumb and Dumber is my youngest son's favorite comedy. There's Something About Mary is in my own top five, and that film's Detective Healy is one of my favorite comic characters. All of us love Kingpin as well. 

But The Heartbreak Kid is pretty damned close to unwatchable.

When I tried to figure out exactly why, I was reminded of a conversation I had with our colleague Tuna many years ago. I mentioned how much I loved There's Something About Mary and how funny it was, and Tuna responded that he liked the movie just as much as I did, but not because he thought it was all that funny. He just really liked the characters and situations, and enjoyed the story. When I recalled that conversation, it struck me just what is wrong with The Heartbreak Kid. We would not want to spend time with the characters under any circumstances. Just about everyone in this film is a dickhead. It's a comedy about a man who cheats on his wife while they are honeymooning, and the only character we can identify with is the woman Stiller cheats with, who seems nice enough, but is not funny or very interesting in any way. She's basically just a plot device. Ben Stiller's wife turns out to be dumber than a goose and a head case of the first order. Stiller himself is an impatient and intolerant jerk who ends the picture in an epilogue by planning to cheat on his second wife in identical circumstances. One of the things that bothers him most about his hastily-wed wife is that she wants to have non-stop crazy sex on their honeymoon.


You know, I've been in this situation. I once dated a woman like this for a year. Sexiest woman I've ever known, but a real bimbo. In fact she really had a lot in common with the ditzy wife in this movie - talked a lot like her, even looked a lot like her. We really had no emotional connection and nothing to talk about, so I'll admit that I did eventually grow weary of this red-hot woman's desire for non-stop recreational sex day and night.

But it took a helluva lot longer than two days!

Stiller's dad and best friend (played respectively by Ben Stiller's real-life dad and Rob Corddry) are boors who constantly give him harebrained advice which is doubly cursed by being as humorless as it is toxic. The bad guy is a witless redneck who ends up beating Stiller with a baseball bat. That's comedy gold, Jerry, gold! As Pat Reeder noted in The Comedy Wire, "This is the first movie remake that made audiences yearn for the charm and warmth of Charles Grodin." 

In There's Something About Mary, Ben Stiller was a lovelorn guy who wondered whatever happened to his dream girl from high school. He was a nice guy who earned our identification. His dream girl was a real sweetheart with a great sense of humor. Stiller established a genuine regard for her mentally-challenged brother. Even the scheming, lying, insensitive Detective Healy was a guy you'd love to have a beer with, just to marvel at how he managed to think up such great lies so fast on his feet. In a nutshell, the real difference between the two films is that you would rather have a beer with the antagonist in Mary than with the supposed empathetic characters in Heartbreak.

Of course, you might forgive the obnoxious characters if the film were loaded with laughs, but it isn't. The gross-outs are tired and recycled. The verbal humor is AWOL. There are many group conversations in which people are laughing at each other's jokes and really starting to like one another, while we watch bewildered, wondering what they are laughing at and what they see in one another. If I had met the nice girl's family and gotten to know them as Stiller did, I would have felt like I was auditioning for the Ned Beatty role in a Deliverance remake. The worst part of watching those painful conversations is knowing that the Farrelly Brothers must have been deluded into thinking they were presenting witty and charming dialogue. That's how completely they have lost their gift.

As a great fan of their early work, I wish I didn't have to keep reporting the brothers' ongoing inability to capture the combination of lowbrow humor, sentimentality, and engaging characters that once made them the heirs apparent to Mel Brooks.

Now that is heartbreak, kid.

A film clip of Malin Akerman's craziest sex scene.

There will be many great caps of Malin when this comes to DVD, but this version is too dark to do anything with.



* Yellow asterisk: funny (maybe).

* White asterisk: expanded format.

* Blue asterisk: not mine.

No asterisk: it probably sucks.


Catch the deluxe version of Other Crap in real time, with all the bells and whistles, here.








The Beach Girls


The shy, studious and virginal Debra Blee has been given the use of her uncle's beach house for the summer, and has invited her two best friends, notorious party girls Jeana Tomasina and Val Kline, to join her. The two friends pick up a hunk of a hitchhiker and bring him along. Debree Blee and the hitchhiker have eyes for each other, so the two girls have to throw a party to fill the male gap. They start by ordering a pizza delivery guy (with pizza), and work their way through the phonebook until the party is really rocking.

A neighbor with a telescope watched everything with interest until his nosey, uptight wife sees what he has been watching. She calls the police, but the young officer that responds just joins the party. Then she calls uncle's fiancée, who calls uncle. Uncle decides he better come home and check on things. He finds the party in full swing, is not amused, and says he will be sending the two friends away in the morning. They hit upon the perfect plan to get him to change his mind about them -- seduce him. Uncle can't resist the two girlfriends.

Meanwhile, a pot smuggler is on his way North, and the Coast Guard is on the job, in a cutter skippered by "Captain Blye" - with Captain Queeg's ball bearings and a largely gay crew. The smugglers dump the pot overboard in trash bags, and the girls find the flotsam the next morning on the beach. This gives rise to a pot party where every guest is given a personal "key" as they walk through the door. Meanwhile, a horny Hispanic gardener is constantly spying on the often topless women, and usually trips, falls, etc for his trouble. Of course, we haven't heard the last from the Coast Guard, the smuggler or uncle's fiancée.

I have seen this film before and I recall getting the occasional laugh then, and was still entertained this time around. In other words, it's exactly what you're looking for in terms of early 80s teensploitation films. It wasn't an Oscar contender in any category, but it was, and still is, good mindless entertainment.

It is one half of a double feature with Cathy Lee Crosby's Coach in the Welcome to the Grindhouse collection.

IMDb readers say 3.7 with only 234 votes.


Debra Blee shows breasts. Jeana Tomasina and Val Kline show breasts and buns, and several unknowns also show body parts.

Debra Blee

Jeana Tomasina

Val Kline









Bikini Airways



Today we fly the friendly skies of "Bikini Airways" for a little softcore comedy from Fred Olen Ray. Lots of boobies in this one, but not much plot.

Veteran babe Amy Lindsay with some breasts.

Ditto for another veteran Belinda Gavin.

Loni Lynn shows off the robo-hooters and a brief flash of bush.

Maya Divine tits and brief full frontal.

More boobage from Regina Russell.






Notes and collages


Shannen Doherty, Season 1, Episodes 12-15

Episode 12

Episode 13

Episode 14

Episode 15









Hugo was one of our earliest contributors back in the 90s when he was turning out beautiful collages with nothing but Snappy captures from VHS tapes!

Bridget Moynahan in Gray Matters

Cameron Richardson in The Good Humor Man

Joan Severance in See No Evil, Hear No Evil

Jolene Blalock in Slow Burn

Laetitia Casta in Le Grand Appartement

Stephanie Pasterkamp, also in Le Grand Appartement

A film clip of Billie Piper in Secret Diary of a Call Girl, s1e2. (Sample right.)
A film clip of Jane Alexander in next week's Tell Me You Love Me (s1e6). That's right, Jane Alexander. She's the much honored elderly actress who plays the shrink. She's 68. Fair warning.
A compilation film clip of Eiko Matsuda's nude scenes in In the Realm of the Senses.
A film clip of Elisabeth Stephan in Rapturious. The tagline: "Rappers meet demons, yo" (Sample right)
A film clip of Ona Grauer in Ladies Night. (Sample right)











Claire Danes



Bridgette Wilson








Nemesis 4

Horrible movie, everything is poor, the acting, the direction. They shot everything in the same stage.

The lead actress, Sue Price, who plays a cyborg, is naked almost all the time. I think she is very skinny and could use some muscle. Yes that was sarcasm.


Sue Price










The Comedy Wire

Comments in yellow...

Apenheul Primate Park in Amsterdam has an orangutan named Sibu who refuses to mate with female orangutans.  He's only interested in human blondes with tattoos.  He'll chase or ignore female apes, but the only sexual interest he shows is in his blonde female keepers.  They think it's because he was reared by a heavily tattooed blonde.  Keepers aren't giving up: they say they'll bring in a female orangutan he once showed interest in when he was in a British zoo.

*  If that doesn't work, they'll bring in Pamela Anderson...She's his type, and he's her type. 

"The Heartbreak Kid" reunited Ben Stiller and the Farrelly Brothers for the first time since "There's Something About Mary," but moviegoers didn't show up for the reunion.  Its debut weekend brought in $14 million, about half of what was expected.  Critics called the gross-out comedy "gratingly unfunny," "mean-spirited," "misogynist," "vulgar," "crass" and "disgusting."  One called it a "disheartening commentary on the decline in standards in American comedy," and the New York Post said the Farrellys have "jumped the orifice."  A Dreamworks Studios spokesman said they were surprised by how harsh the reviews were and how much they kept people away. 

*  This is the first movie remake that made audiences yearn for the charm and warmth of Charles Grodin. 

It was reported that Bill Gates was recently refused a visa to visit Nigeria because he didn't provide paperwork to prove that he didn't plan to stay in the country and become a drain on Nigeria's social services.  The problem was quickly solved by a letter from Gates' bank.

* He bought Nigeria.