Jubilee (1977) is supposedly a satire of contemporary British society as show through a gang of post punk women. Director Derek Jarman started making home movies with his circle of friends acting, and eventually decided to attempt a feature film outside traditional funding channels, in other words, the first British indie. He wrote the story, and built a cast comprised of both friends, and a few real actresses that he liked the look of.

Eilzabeth the 1st asks her court magician for a vision of the future. He obliges by conjuring an angel to lead then into the future, which is a post apocalyptic world run by gangs of bisexual female punks, equally frightening police, and mostly owned by a media mogul who owns everything, including all media, Buckingham Palace, and the Church of England. Our tale focuses on a group of female punks led by Bod (Jenny Runacre, who also plays Elizabeth). Members include a French maid, a butch pyromaniac (Mad, played by Toya Wilcox), historian Amyl Nitrate (Jordan), artist Viv (Linda Spurrier) and nymphomaniac actress Crabs (Nell Campbell), as well as gay lover brothers. The group spends a lot of time trying to be strange, getting naked, and, to break the tedium, commits the occasional murder.

Nudity includes breasts and bush from Jenny Runacre, full frontal and rear from Nell Campbell, buns from Jordan, and breasts and buns from Linda Spurrier. IMDb has this at 5.8. It did enjoy a theatrical release, where it was not well received by critics, or the punk crowd. It is not entirely a waste. In addition to the nudity, the film, made mostly by people in the art community, has very striking visuals. I won't pretend to understand the message of the film, and I gained no insight into the punk movement or its psychology. The DVD package is a Criterian release, and includes a featurette about the making of the film, and continuity stills. The transfer is not at all bad. I suppose the genre is "cult classic," which is judged by off-beat energy and fan support, and Jubilee has both. Therefore it is a C.

• The Venus de Milo had better wear a top and Michelangelo's David should put on some pants if they're going to be seen in Indiana.
• I don't know if Gymkata is the worst movie ever made, but it certainly belongs on the short list.
• 106-Year-Old woman lies about her age. Oh, that Cher! What a character!
• Andres Galarraga finally retires. 399 homers, despite two battles with cancer. Galarraga is one of the few modern players to win all three parts of the triple crown, albeit in different seasons. When I worked in Venezuela, I found that The Big Cat was the most popular man in the country, and a 3 for 5 day could make the front page in Caracas!
• Charles Webb has written a sequel to The Graduate.
• Weekly World News: "HOW TO SCORE WITH HOT BABES AT THE SUPERMARKET!" Their source is a book by ... er ... Rod Forqeuwe.
• Remarks by First Lady Mrs. George W. Bush Explaining the Importance of That Reading and Education Stuff to Afghanish Girls Attending Kabul University - (WHITEHOUSE.ORG)
• Now THIS guy is a sensei!!
• Michael Rapaport's career opportunity department: Armed robber steals a bag full of dog poop, and tries to shoot the dog, but his gun misfires.
• Conan says "Happy Birthday" to Chuck Norris.
• A third clip from Sahara, the Raiders-like adventure with Penelope Cruz and Matthew McConaughey.
• Five clips from Dust to Glory, the documentary about the Baja 1000.
• Nine clips from Fever Pitch, the Farrelly movie about a fanatical Red Sox fan (Jimmy Fallon) and his new love (Drew Barrymore).
• The trailer for State Property 2: Philly Streets, the tale of three notorious gangsters, and their bloody battle for supremacy in the City of Brotherly Love.
• The trailee for A State of Mind
  • Following on from the 2002 RTS award winning documentary "The Game of Their Lives," VeryMuchSo productions were granted permission from the North Korean film authorities to make a second documentary. An observational film following two young gymnasts and their families for over eight months in the lead up to the Mass Games- involving a cast of thousands in a choreographed socialist realism spectacular- the biggest and most elaborate human performance on earth. The film provides a rare glimpse into what is one of the world's least open societies. North Korea is sealed off from outside influences. It borders China and Russia to the north, and to the south there is a 4km wide impenetrable border with South Korea. The country follows its own communist ideals, a strict philosophy known as the Juche Idea wrapped around the worship of the Kim dynasty, Kim II Sung, their Eternal President who died in 1994 but remains Head of State, and his son and noted wingnut, Kim Jong Il.
• Joan Kennedy found passed out in a Boston street. And - what are the odds - she passed out in a spot where Ted had never fallen!
• Vatican doctors put pope on feeding tube.
• Barbie To Take Girls On Tour Of 1960s, '70s. "Mattel is getting together with Golden Books to launch the 'Barbie Diary of the Decade' series. The Washington Post says the first two books focus on 1964 and 1976. The '60s diary has Barbie hosting a Beatles party the first night they appear on the 'Ed Sullivan Show.' Barbie also learns about the Civil Rights Act with her African-American friend, Christie." And the great thing about Barbie? She has the right outfit for any Civil Right!
• An accused drunk driver tried but failed to foil a police breathalyser after stuffing his mouth full of shit. "I don't think alcohol alone would make you do something as disgusting as that."
• The Straight Dope: Is it true "W" can be used as a vowel?
  • Speakers of French and Russian and other languages think that the English "W" is ALWAYS a vowel, or at least a dipthong. What we think of as the W consonant sound is a dipthong in those languages, represented by "ou". English "We" - French "Oui"
  • By the way, you can always tell if an actor has not done his preparation when he assays a Russian accent and says preposterous things like "inwincible". This is the official Chekhov accent from Star Trek, and it makes no sense at all. The question is this - why would Russians, who have no w sound in their own language, start to add unnecessary w's when they speak another language? The answer is that they would not. The woman I live with and her family are Russians, some of them recent immigrants, and they have no problem at all pronouncing "invincible". Why should they? They have a v sound which sounds just like ours. Where they have a problem is with words like "wallet", which they call a "vallet" because they can't picture a "w" sound.
• BBC tells everyone to suck it, rejects 'Jerry Springer' Complaints. I am in 100% support of their decision, but I'm not sure I buy this rationale: "'In all the circumstances, the outstanding artistic significance of the program outweighed the offence which it caused to some viewers, and so the broadcasting of the program was justified.'" The "outstanding artistic significance" of an opera about the Jerry Springer show? Give me a break. It sounds like they are talking about a justification for not covering the penis on Michelangelo's David. Sometimes American English and standard UK English can be a little different, so let me translate it into American for you. What the BBC really meant to says is this: "We're not gonna let a bunch of fundie buttbonnets tell us what we can and can't broadcast. If you don't like this kind of crap, just use your remote, which allows you a choice between 'change channel' and 'power off.'"
• The Weekend Warrior looks at April 1-3. He thinks Sin City will dominate the weekend, with Costner's The Upside of Anger making a pretty good niche showing on 1000 screens. The prediction most surprising to me is that he only expects Guess Who to drop 8% from last week.
• First cousins who were denied a marriage license by a Pennsylvania judge earlier this month were wed in a civil ceremony in Maryland
• US Patent 6,751,348 B2 - Automated detection of pornographic images. This is not a National Lampoon article, although it certainly looks like one, but an actual page from the Patent Office's website.
• The Wit and Wisdom of Taco Bell Condiment Packets
• GALLUP: Bush's Approval Rating in Perspective
  • "George W. Bush's current job approval rating is the lowest of his presidency, though there are some silver linings. On the plus side, the 45% rating is still relatively high compared with most other presidents' low points. Also, Bush's average approval rating as president remains among the highest Gallup has measured for presidents since Harry Truman. The downside -- in addition to being the lowest public support of his presidency -- is that other two-term presidents had much higher approval ratings than Bush at similar stages in their second terms."
• This week's movies: Beauty Shop - 35% positive reviews. (Will be on about 3000 screens, whether you like it or not)
• This week's movies: Look at Me - 94% positive reviews. Sensitive French movie in arthouse distribution.
• This week's films: Sin City - 75% positive reviews
• M. Night Shyamalan casts Lady in the Water. The director will cast Paul Giamatti and Bryce Dallas Howard in the lead roles. Giamatti would play a building super who finds a sea nymph in his apartment building's pool. Howard would play the sea nymph. Or vice-versa. (Giamatti is looking for a chance to stretch.)
• You Got Own3d: "Great compilation of ownage videos from the past year or two."
• Singer Brooke Hogan is the daughter of wrestling's legendary Hulkster. (Which is amazing when you realize that his real last name is not really Hogan!!)
• Letterman's "Top Ten Ways Airlines Are Cutting Back"
• Impressive new trailer for Rob Zombie's The Devil's Rejects. The trailer itself is a pretty good little short film.
• Best of the NBA Dunk Contest: J-Rich in 2003 and 2004 as well as MJ's foul line special.
• Fascinating stuff for history buffs: "A disused Japanese jail on a remote Pacific island is to be excavated in an effort to find the grave of US aviator Amelia Earhart"
• Paul Hester, the drummer from popular 1980s Australian rock band Crowded House, hanged himself in a park in southern Australia
• Borowitz: MANDELA SAYS: MICHAEL JACKSON GIVES ME STRENGH. The King of Pop is a source of inspiration, says the former South African President.
• VH1 has selected seven new has-beens to try to revive their careers on "The Surreal Life" including baseball fink Jose Canseco, and the famed reality villainess Omarosa.
• Orlando Bloom is set to play a young James Bond in a prequel to the long-running series.
• Liam Gallagher has received the top prize in Nuts magazine's 'man boobs' awards.
• Hilary Swank appeal denied - she did da crime, she gotta go da time. The orange-smuggling fiend will have to pay about $200. Since she was known to have committed the infraction and neither she nor any lawyers were present at the hearing, nobody is quite sure why the hell she was appealing in the first place. I guess she thought she would get the movie star waiver.
• Whatever, dude. Catherine Zeta Jones says she agreed to reprise her role as Elena in The Legend Of Zorro - because she loves fencing. Ah, movie acting. You'll come for the fame and money. You'll stay for the fencing lessons.
• Williams sisters of tennis fame to star in US reality TV show.
• Borowitz: SEVERE EARTHQUAKE IN INDONESIA HAS NO EFFECT ON SCHIAVO CASE

  Networks Explain Decision to Stay in Florida

Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the links above, since it's sorta in real time.

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MOVIE REVIEWS:

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

I'll have the offical results and write up in a day or two.

Here are the results of our most recent other polls...
The Top 20 Nude Scenes of 2004
The Best Nude Film Debuts of the 80s
The Best Nude Film Debuts of the 90s
Which actress has been the most convincing playing a stripper.
Who has the best bum in Hollywood?
Best All Time Television Comedy
Best Nudity in an Oscar-winning performance.

Email Scoopy Jr. with more nominees, comments or suggestions.

First up from the Ghost today...a few video 'caps from the 1982 movie "Summer Lovers", starring Daryl Hannah, Valérie Quennessen and Peter "The Eyebrow King" Gallagher.

• Daryl Hannah (zipped .wmvs). Here she is briefly topless in a couple of scenes. (1, 2, 3

• Valérie Quennessen (zipped .wmvs). She bares all in #1 and is topless in links 2-5. 1-4 also feature plenty of nudity from extras at the nude beach. (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

• Hannah and Quennessen (zipped .wmvs). Here we see them both baring their bums and showing partial breast views. (1, 2)

Next up, here are a couple of clips featuring Skinemax babe Julian Wells gettin' it on in scenes from an episode of "The Best Sex Ever". Mostly breasts and some bum views, but #5 does show pubes.

• Julian Wells (zipped .wmvs) (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

Last up, Greta Scacchi topless in scenes from the thriller "Shattered" (1991). Directed by Wolfgang Petersen and starring Tom Berenger, Bob Hoskins, Joanne Whalley and Corbin Bernsen (before the grade-z movies). In #1 she's topless in bed. In #2 we see her topless in photographs.

• Greta Scacchi (zipped .wmvs) (1, 2)

"Blood Angels"
Not all vampires are created equal. You knew that, right? Thralls are a kind of sub-vampire; lower than vampires, "the white trash of vampires" according to the movie. Thralls don't kill people, they just take enough blood to survive, and the victims aren't permanently harmed. In fact, they seem to like it. Thralls' victims don't turn into vampires, and the real bummer: thralls can't fly.

In this 2004 Canadian horror flick about thralls, six beautiful young women who are thralls run raves in a remote location near a large city. They also are trying to get away from Mr. Jones, a full-blown vampire who was their master and captor. To do this, they must complete a ritual which will free them from him, and turn them into full vampires.

Things get even more complicated when the younger sister of one of the girls comes to stay. She isn't anything creepy, and doesn't know what her older sister has been doing in the big city, or what she has become.

While this is a pretty poor B-movie by any standards, there are some unique parts, some great looking women, and enough blood to keep it interesting. The movie is also known as Thralls.

• Fiona Scott
• Moneca Delain

Elizabeth Lambert (aka Locky Lambert)
(1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16)

A.J. Khan
(1, 2, 3, 4)

Misty Mundae
(1, 2, 3, 4)

LISA MARIE COMMENTS ON MICHAEL JACKSON
NoThankYaVurryMuch - Lisa Marie Presley has a new album and plans for a spring tour, so she's appearing on "Oprah" this week and finally talking about her marriage to Michael Jackson. Squirming in discomfort, she called the relationship "toxic," but insisted she doesn't hate him or want to bash him and claimed it was a real marriage. She said she suspects Jackson used her, but she thinks he loved her "as much as he was capable of loving somebody."

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