Smoke and Flesh (1968) is half of a Something Weird Video release which also includes Alice in Acidland. It is by far the better or the two, and has two of five naked women I was able to identify. The purpose of the film is to exploit dope smoking and show flesh (Hmmm, good title, huh?), and it does both, and little else. The film starts with elaborate preparations for a pot party, which involve trickery the CIA would be proud of in the purchase of the "key." One couple comes to the party so he can watch someone else of his wife's choice have sex with her. He is impotent, but is doing research for a book. She is horny. Other highlights include strip HO scale car races, and turning a lovely but unidentified black woman into a Sunday. Things get iffy when some bikers crash the party, but slipping acid to the meanest one solves that.

The horny wife, played by Cherie Winters, shows breasts. Janet Banzet, and two unidentified women do full frontal and rear nudity, and a third unidentified woman shows breasts. Call me strange, but the idea of naked slot car racing, together with the plentiful nudity was enough to amuse me. C-.

Drowning by Numbers (1988):

I was ready to shut this movie off during the opening credits. A young girl skips rope as she names the stars in the cadence of her count to 100. "13 - Rigel, 14 ... " - get it? Now you'd think most filmmakers would pick up this little symbol at a point near its end, but not Peter Greenaway. We see the whole count in real time. I nearly fell asleep before the movie title appeared, thinking it was going to be a Greenaway pretension-fest like Prospero's Books.

I persevered only because of the nudity, but I'm glad I didn't give up.

Of course, it never did become a normal movie. This is one weird effort, a Salvador Dali painting come to life, but beneath the madness it is also a charming entertainment. The counting to 100 in the rope-jump prefigures the appearance of the numbers one through a hundred in sequence throughout the movie. It's fun after a while to see if you can spot them or to predict their appearance.

The plot, such as it is, centers around three women with the same name who all drown their husbands, with the assistance of the coroner, an inveterate gamesman who protects the women from the law in return for sexual favors. It's quirky, personal filmmaking, and the main characters are all utterly amoral. I'm assuming they really are three separate women, but that is by no means certain. Maybe they aren't real at all. They are, but they aren't.

Does the plot really matter? It's a black comedy, and a puzzle. "The play's the thing."

Who else but Peter Greenaway could have written the dryly amusing script? Who else but Greenaway could have imagined the ethereal landscape, which was not unlike Prospero's Island in Greenaway's version of The Tempest. The visual presentation is poetic and rich with symbols. One might even say "cluttered with symbols", or just plain "cluttered." The camera angles are unusual, befitting the material photographed.  For my money, nobody creates a richer texture of visual imagery than Greenaway, and his vision is truly unique. You will not mistake this film for the work of any other director.

For me, the only disappointment was an unsatisfying ending. Besides the ones I mentioned, the other main character in the film is the coroner's bizarre number-obsessed son, who narrates, and actually does most of the numbering that marks the progress of the film. The ultimate fate of that boy-narrator seemed unduly harsh to me. Oh, I guess this was how it had to end. I couldn't come up with a better solution to the puzzle, but I just wanted some of the characters to fare better than they did. Still and all, it was Greenaway's game, and that's how he played it.

I'm not sure why anyone financed this film, because the potential audience is small, but I sure liked it. I have seen nine of Greenaway's movies, and this is my favorite.

These are VHS caps, so not quite up to the usual standard, but this is another film not available on DVD.

• Joely Richardson. (1, 2, 3, 4, 5) I did this movie in the hope she would win a Golden Globe and I'd have the timing perfect. She did not. Oh, well! The Nip/Tuck star used to appear nude in arty stuff like this. I miss those days.

• Juliet Stevenson

• Jane Gurnett. I have no idea who Jane is, but I guarantee that her long, drunken bath would have been one of the 20 top nude scenes of the year if this web site had existed in 1988! It is visually magnificent. Her body is curvy and natural. She showed the whole magilla.

Who's Your Daddy (2003):

This is a really poor movie.

The plot description sounds like something  I might like. A high school nerd from Ohio finds out that he is adopted, and that his biological parents have recently died, leaving him the heir to a massive soft-porn empire similar to Playboy, complete with the magazine and the mansion. He and one of his nerdy friends jet out to run the porn biz in California, where they get hornswaggled out of the whole shebang by his evil uncle and his personal shyster, Mike Hunt. Together with the Playmates and some loyal employees, the nerds fight to get the empire back from Uncle Dunky.

Everything proceeds predictably, but that's not the problem with the film. As we all know, it is possible to make this type of film a lot of fun even if predictable, but this one fails in every way. The acting is so broad it would embarrass Ace Ventura. The jokes have been culled from an intensive study of the best humor from seventh grade playgrounds in 1964. Even the nudity is boring - just uninvolving topless shots of anonymous women while the three female stars do rip-off nudity in which their naughty bits are covered with strategically placed long hair or bubbles.

Tuna pointed out last week in his review of Snapdragon that you know your movie is in trouble when Pam Anderson gives your best performance. How bad is it when your major thespian is Patsy Kensit?

Avoid this like the plague. It's rated a weak 4.3 at IMDb, which is just about where it should be.

• Ali Landry (kinda sorta topless, but not really.) (1, 2, 3)

• I don't know who this is, but she certainly has some awesome gazongas

• Assorted anonymous playmates and classmates. (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)

• Patsy Kensit, not nude, but with astoundingly large breasts. (1, 2)

Other Crap:

• The Landscape of Titan
• Scorsese and Eastwood split the Globes. Eastwood took Best Director, but the Aviator took Best Drama. (I would have called it the other way around because The Aviator is more brilliantly directed, but not as powerful emotionally, but ... whatever. A split is a fair call.) NOTE: the complete list of winners is found on pages two and three of the linked article.
• Coach Carter takes the Weekend Box Office, while the Fockers hold on to second and passed $230 million. In Good Company surprised with per-screen revenues almost at the same level as Coach Carter, albeit in fewer theaters. Elektra bombed, finishing with far less per screen than the critically malight carry-over, White Noise.
• The trailer for Swimming Upstream
  • "'Swimming Upstream' tells the compelling and inspirational true story of Tony Fingleton, a young man from a troubled family who found the inner strength to become a champion. Based on Anthony Fingleton's novel of the same name and set in 1950s Brisbane, Australia, Swimming Upstream stars Jesse Spencer as Tony, a young man who beats the odds to become a champion swimmer in spite of his overbearing, alcoholic father (Geoffrey Rush) and long-suffering but quietly heroic mother (Judy Davis). Overshadowed in his father's eyes by his brothers, it's only when Tony displays an extraordinary swimming talent that he feels he has a shot at winning his father's heart - and maybe even Olympic gold."
• Peyton Manning falls to 0-7 in Foxboro, while Brady continues his amazing run of never having lost a post-season game.
• X-Entertainment, The Ultimate Breakfast Cereal Nostalgia Site, looks at C-3P0's Cereal.
• More post-tittygate morality: PBS Editing Out Nude Scene From HBO Film.
• Greenland is planning to organize polar bear hunts for rich tourists, who would be permitted to bring back the bear skins as trophies.
• Shakespeare May Have Suffered From Syphilis. Do you think he gave it to his gay lover, Abe Lincoln?
• President George W Bush has said his re-election has vindicated his administration's policy on Iraq. In much the same way that President Clinton's re-election vindicated his wacky sexual escapades.
• A still from Michael Bay's upcoming Sci-Fi film, THE ISLAND, starring Ewan McGregor, Scarlett Johansson, and Djimon Hounsou. The film follows a human grown in a lab and tries to escape the facility in which he's being held as soon as he discovers that everything about his existence is a lie.
• The trailer and three clips from Harry and Max.
  • "Harry (Bryce Johnson), aged 23, is a former boy band idol who is watching his younger brother Max (Cole Williams), aged 16, follow in his footsteps. Harry escorts Max on a long-promised camping adventure to the San Gabriel mountains above Los Angeles but things quickly turn serious as the boys discuss Harry's contradictory relationship with their family. Max's longing to connect with Harry both physically and emotionally grows even more, wanting to bring stability to Harry's life. In an effort to create a type of alternative family for his brother, Max goads Harry to rekindle his affections for his former girlfriend, Nikki (Rain Phoenix). Back from the weekend, Max realizes that he must redefine his relationship with his brother, and that only by setting boundaries can the boys grow into adulthood together."
• He prepared for a role by spending three months in bed.
• 67 year old Romanian becomes oldest woman ever to give birth
• Filmmaker Ken Burns profiles legendary boxer Jack Johnson.
• Universal has acquired 'The Break Up' with Vince Vaughn attached to star and produce. It's based on an original idea by Vaughn, who will also receive 'story by' credit"
• Coach Carter kicks ass at the Friday Box Office. In Good Company also did better than expected, tying Elektra for second place among the new releases (third overall), despite being in half as many theaters.

Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the links above, since it's sorta in real time.

Click here to submit a URL for Other Crap

MOVIE REVIEWS:

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

Words, pictures, and vids from ICMS

Another Time, Another Place (1983)

• Leifheit 1 (.wmv zipped, .avi zipped)
• Leifheit 2 (.wmv zipped, .avi zipped)

This week's poll....Best Nude Debut.

The focus of this week's poll is first movie and first nudity. Please give us a hand and email Scoopy Jr. the names of any actresses you can think of that made screen debuts with nudty. Look for the voting to begin Wednesday or Thursday.

Here is a very short early list of nominees...

Scoops,

Here are my latest collages....

First up, a here's a redo of a previous effort.

• Lisa Engelman baring her breasts in "A Kiss Goodnight".

Next...
They are airing "The Hunger" series in Germany at the moment and the transfer rate seems ok.

• Here are Karen Elkin and Sally Kirkland both topless in scenes from the episode "Bridal Suite".
  and
• Doris Milmore going topless in scenes from the "Plain Brown Envelope" episode.

"Amityville: Dollhouse"
This 1996 direct-to-video addition to the Amityville haunted house horror series is one of the better ones. Not great, sure, but a decent enough horror flick with some nice twists.

In this one a family (slightly dysfunctional) movies into a newly built house, and in the storage room left on the property, discovers a doll house. The father gives it to his daughter, not knowing it is a replica of the infamous Amityville house. Soon bad things start to happen.

The family must fight to work together to battle this evil, even as the family itself is torn apart because of the recent marriage which brings together the father's teen son and young daughter, and the mother's nerdy royal-pain-in-the-ass bratty son. This dual struggle is a major part of the plot.

Good acting and decent special effects make this enjoyable for horror fans, maybe even more so than the original. Incidentally, Lisa Robin Kelly plays the older sister on That 70's Show.

• Lisa Robin Kelly

Shiri Appleby
(1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

• Angelica Costello, breasts a bit of bush and some sex.

• Angelica Costello and Aria (not Giovanni), some lesbo lovin' of course.

• AnnMarie, gettin' it on with a dude.

• AnnMarie and Kaylynn, all 3 b's plus some lesbrotronics.

• Aria, plenty of sex in this one.

• Ava Vincent and Monique Alexander, more girl on girl love.

• Jessica Drake, breasts, bum and sport-humpin.

• Jessica Drake and Dolorian a 3-way sex scene.

• Kaylynn, breasts, bum, a hint of pubes and more sex scenes.

• Monique Alexander, all 3 B's, plus even more sex.