Born

(2007)

(Total spoilers.)

Rosemary is back, and birthing again!

In this version of the story, poor virginal Mary Elizabeth wakes up after a bad dream one morning and steps on the bathroom scale, which reveals that she has gained 15 pounds overnight.

That can't be good.

One look at her stomach reveals the source of her weight gain. In the course of one evening she has become approximately three months pregnant - with her hymen intact.

That can't be good either.

I'm sure you can guess that the new arrival is not going to be the second coming of Jesus, but rather a demon created by a mystical form of rape. The virginal Mary Elizabeth begins to suspect a problem when she finds green goo oozing out of her privates, and she becomes quite convinced something is wrong when her ultrasound shows that her womb looks like the complete cast of Gremlins after a midnight buffet.

To make matters even uglier, the demon who impregnated her is also her brother. And maybe a cardinal. And maybe a psychiatric patient. That last part makes more sense when you realize that the psychiatrist is ... (wait for it) ... Lucifer, as played by ... (wait for it) ... Joan Severance. Pretty silly. You see, the semi-human demon didn't even know that his shrink was Satan. I assume he picked a psychiatrist out of the phone book and it just happened to be Satan.

The plot gets very intricate in the second half of the film. Several of the people who seem to be innocent turn out to be in league with the demons. Some of the demons even double-cross other demons! (Oh, that Satan! What a kidder!) It's a plot that gets so muddled that the writer ended up writing extra lines to explain why some things didn't make a lot of sense. At one point, a priest being used as an unwitting pawn of the demons turns to the brother/cardinal/demon/patient and says what I was thinking, "But why did you need me? I'm not integral to your scheme." The demon responds, "Because I'm the torturer of the 13th level of hell. I fuck with people. That's what I do."

Fair enough. At least the writer was aware of the problem.

The film can be lurid, over-the-top fun. There's a demon who cusses like a sailor and thinks he needs a psychiatrist (and Tony Soprano's shrink thought she had a difficult patient!). Then there's a pious and well-intentioned priest who used to be a professional assassin and finds to his regret that he still loves killing. There's also the virginal Mary Elizabeth, who turns in a surprising, scenery-chewing tour de force performance, as she performs a good portion of the film by having conversations with herself in two different voices (the demon in her womb uses her vocal chords to communicate). When she's not conducting one-woman dialogues, she frequently is possessed entirely by the demon inside of her, which means that the actress is seen either slaughtering people and eating their hearts, or perhaps just humping away in wild sexual frenzy. If the film had nothing else at all, I would still have enjoyed it for Alison Brie's unrestrained and unabashed performance. You might even call Miss Brie refreshingly cheesy.

The film doesn't skimp on the nudity, either. Brie doesn't show much as Mary Elizabeth, and what she does show may consist of prosthetics, but her friend (Azalea Davila) has a topless scene, a couple of nude female boxers appear on TV (as you might expect, the hell-spawned demons love foxy boxing), and  the Costello twins, two statuesque blondes, walk around completely naked for just about the last half hour of the film.

It's a trash film, of course, a typical 1980s style B-movie, meandering, tacky and sleazy, and yet there are times when the screen is filled with such lavish tongue-in-cheek absurdities and so much silly lunatic energy that the film entertains with sheer nonsense. I like a bit of that, but this film goes on for 118 minutes, and that's a little too much nonsense for my taste.

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I have to apologize for not doing any sample captures. The Costello Twins had so much naked time that I just didn't have time to get all of it. The film clips of the sexy twins run 236 meg in size, and if you watch them all you will practically see the last third of the film! Maybe Hank or one of the other guys can captures the best moments in a later edition.

• The Costello Twins (Mammoth download. See above)
• Alison Brie.
• Foxy Boxers
• Azalea Davila (Haven't seen her on the page in about ten years. I have no idea what she's been doing for the last decade. She has blonde hair now and looks quite different, but has obviously aged very well.)

Just for reference here is a very different Azalea Davila some eleven years ago in Primal Fear. If this is the same woman (and I guess there could not be two Azalea Davilas), she has had a breast reduction.

The Pool Party

2007

A law firm slacker has been dumped by his girlfriend, is ridiculed by his boss, and has failed the bar exam twice. His legal briefs are so poorly constructed that the head of the law firm has them rewritten by his 20-year-old son. The only reason why our hero Matt is still employed is that the boss wants to use him to house-sit. The boss is leaving town for five days and Matt is assigned to watch the house and is given an ultimatum: take care of the house, allow no visitors, and use the five days to study for the bar. If the house is not perfect when the boss returns, Matt is fired. Even if the house is perfect, if Matt fails the bar again, he's still fired.

Needless to say, the boss's two kids want to use the luxurious house to have lavish parties, and various other slackers and stoners do their best to congregate at the pool. Matt has only sporadic success in preventing the revelers from wreaking havoc on his boss's property. Worst of all, the house is terrorized by Bingo the Monkey Clown, who seems to be pursuing the boss's sexy teenage daughter.

You don't want to spend any time on this film. It's a careless, unoriginal cheapie made with inferior production values and hammy, amateurish actors. On the one hand, it tries to be a merry, raunchy lark, ala Bachelor Party, but it comes up short in both the wit of the script and the professionalism of the performances. On the other hand, the script tries to develop some meaningful storylines about Matt's career and his attempts to get back with his ex-girlfriend, but those sub-plots tend to be just throwaways. In other words, The Pool Party would like to combine sincerity and raunch like American Pie, but ends up being more like one of the straight-to-vid sequels. Except nowhere near as good.

Nudity:

The nudity ain't bad at all. Meredith Giangrande is gorgeous, and Sarah Horvath is cute enough. The nice thing about the nudity here is that it comes from two of the main female characters. I always find it irritating when the stars keep their tops on and the director adds some nudity from some anonymous extras or background players.

Film clips	Samples
Meredith Giangrande
Sarah Horvath
Anonymous shower chick

The Civilization of Maxwell Bright

2005

I haven't seen it. Tuna covered it day before yesterday, and he liked it quite a bit. One of our readers requested a film clip of the nude scene with Puddy and Nicole Gian, so here ya go

The Red Queen Kills Seven Times

1972

The old Time Machine goes back more than three decades for a delicious Italian giallo with two famous and delectable actresses.

A very young and ripe Sybil Danning shows off her very impressive rack. Caps and three clips.

Then Barbara Bouchet does a "Babe in Bondage" dream sequence, then gives us some very nice cleavage and leg and a breast flash as she is raped. Caps and two clips.

 

 

More exposure from Amy Smart on the set of Crank 2, including a full breast in one pic and some sexy buns elsewhere!