Womens Prison Massacre (1983) or Emanuelle fuga dall'inferno is one of those films with Laura Gemser that is nothing like the first two Emmanuelle films, but hoped to capitalize on the name. To make matters worse, Gemser keeps her clothes on the entire film, even through a rape. This is really a roughie, disguised as a WIP. Emanuelle was a reporter close to nailing the DA on criminal charges, so he framed her for drugs, and sent her away. She has two friends, neither of whom get along with the evil woman prisoner, who, of course, is in cahoots with the evil guards and evil warden. So far, standard WIP stuff.

However, in another part of town, the 4 worst murderer/rapists in the known universe are being transported to the women's prison to await final approval on their death sentences. They nearly escape in route, then overpower the guards and take over the prison, which leaves them free to abuse the women while they wait for the same DA that framed Gemser to meet their demands. Most of the abuse was rather ordinary, except that one of the bad guys named "blade" for his tricks with a razor blade, loses his blade while slashing Antonella Giacomini. Her lesbian lover, Maria Romano, finds it, sticks it part way into a cork, then inserts it into her vagina, then seduces him.

Romano shows full frontal in a washroom lesbo scene with Giacomini and again in the seduction scene. Giacomini shows breasts in the washroom. Ursula Flores, as the evil prisoner, also shows a breast. IMDb readers have this at 5.0. That seems a little high, and Apollo readers have it at a more believable 21 of 100. There is nothing sexy about the film, the dubbing was distracting, all the bad guys and most of the guards were way over the top, and Gemser was entirely out of place in this film. C-.

Updates:

• Charlie's French Cinema Nudity site is updated

Other Crap:

• The ancient Chinese Art of Watermelon Sculpture
• Coca-Cola responds to urban legends, myths & rumors about their products and packages
• A very hot Pitt/Jolie promo pic from Mr and Mrs Smith
• The trailer for the Summer blockbuster to end all blockbusters: Batman vs Star Wars.
• Will Ferrell is attached to star in the comedy Land of the Lost, based on the 1974-77 television series of the same name. Am I the only one who thinks Will himself seems a bit lost these days? Damn, I miss Frank the Tank.
• The Interpreter wins the Box Office, Friday, April 22, 2005
  • The biggest disappointment was Kung Fu Hustle, which came to the table with just about the best reviews of the year and spectacular trial results in NY and LA, only to open in fifth place. It not only lost to The Interpreter and two carry-overs, but even finished behind Kutcher's A Lot Like Love, although Mr Punk'd was in one less theater.
  • The fourth new release of the week was King's Ransom, which had the distinct embarrassment of finishing behind not one but TWO Kutcher films.
  • Yup, that's the truly amazing thing about these results: Kutcher now has two of the top eight films.
• 30,000 fans gather in Indy at largest-ever Star Wars convention. The star attraction is creator George Lucas, who on Saturday will make his first appearance at a fan convention since 1987.
• Nuclear Testing Images
• URL pretty much says it all: ClintHoward.com. A celeb entertainment show starring the noted super-hunk.
• How to start a fire the same way it was done by primitive man - with nothing but a can of Coke and a chocolate bar
• Set the TIVO - Springsteen reveals soul in rare show. There is some very cool info in the story! (Presumably more in the actual show??)
• Daddy, What Did You Do in the Hitler Youth?
• Unable to swing a trade, the San Francisco 49ers made Utah's Alex Smith the first pick in Saturday's NFL draft -- the fifth straight year a quarterback has been chosen No. 1.
• Oh, no. John Cusack - once one of the coolest guys on the planet - in another romantic comedy, Must Love Dogs. He was riding high with High Fidelity in 2000 following Being John Malkovich in 1999. Since then? Meh. Maybe Ice Harvest, a tentative Christmas release, will break his cold streak.
• Ruling: Men can sue clubs over lap-dance fees. That's the good news. The bad news: "A lawyer for Meekey and Fulmer said the lawsuit may be made a class-action. That could mean notifying a lot of other men who used credit cards to pay for lap dances in recent years. And that might not go over very well in some households."
• Submitter wrote: "A 14 year old girl hit a police officer in the nuts. The officer then smacked her. Of course, the mother is pissed at the officer."
• Peruvian Presidential Candidate Charged With Stealing Credit Info In Weston, Florida. I never thought of this plan. It's a high risk, high reward scheme, and it doesn't matter whether you get caught! The only thing that matters is how soon you get caught. If you get caught fast, you go to jail, but if you can just hold off being caught until you are a power-mad Latin American dictator, there's not a lot the Weston, Florida cops can do.
• Seven new clips from XXX: State of the Union
• The trailer from The Baxter: "The Baxter chronicles the chaotic two weeks prior to the wedding of Elliot Sherman (director, writer, star Michael Showalter), a conservative, risk-averse guy who is a quintessential 'Baxter' - a guy who never actually gets the girl."
• One of Britain's best known and best loved actors, Sir John Mills, died aged 97 after a short illness
• Oh, sure, the Virgin Mary appeared on a grilled cheese sandwich, but Yogi Bear showed up on an orange, and that's no boo-boo.
• Tinfoil hat site of the day ... Did you know George Bush is a racist Jew? Pope Benny Hex is the false prophet? Learn it all here from some highly sophisticated graphics.
• Get out your 1950s issues of Popular Science - Flying Cars are finally ready to take off.
• Padster's Clubbing Blog. Padster describes his effort as "More informative than The Sun, More interesting than The Mirror, Less influence than The Beano". OK, I admit this site is just for people in a very narrow geographic area, but what the hell, Padster sends in items to Other Crap, so maybe he's your kinda guy.
• Inventor Creates Soundless Sound System. This is legit, and an interesting idea. It basically allows the privacy of headphones without the hardware of headphones.This is the same inventor whose air scooter was seen on 60 Minutes last week.
• Top Gun LA Lawyer Moonlights as Porn Star Don Hollywood
  • How do his associates tolerate that? I mean his associates in the porn movies.
  • The story has it wrong. Porn isn't a separate career. It's just required training for a top lawyer. Just think of it as learning how to screw people and get paid for it.
  • Here is the filmography for Don Hollywood. His catalog includes the following:
    • He played the part of The Satanic Worshipper in Cannibalism: The Last Supper
    • He had a lead in Young and Anal 24. I haven't seen that film, but I have to rent it because I have to know if Zhivago ever found Lara again. Young and Anal 23 just ended with him at the train station, crying out her name in anguish.
    • Mr. Hollywood was not actually in Johnny Cockman: Attorney at Law, but he did direct the film. I assume he was also the technical advisor.
• Submitter wrote: "Funny moblog with videos of a really bad televangelist"
• RetroCRUSH pays tribute to Beautiful Black Women
• Unofficial Superman Returns fan site says, "Superman's new suit needs to be changed!" "his costume looks...well...it sure doesn't look super, and it looks like he is wearing panties! Bryan Singer, what the hell were you thinking!? Superman panties have got to go!! "
• New Coke, rabbit jerky, clear beer and the eight-track tape - the pantheon of marketing goofs
• Bill Maher's "New Rules 4/22"
• Ashton Kutcher wanted to use the recent death of Pope John Paul II as the backdrop to a prank for Punk'd

Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the links above, since it's sorta in real time.

Click here to submit a URL for Other Crap

MOVIE REVIEWS:

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

Or....review the results of our previous polls:
The Top 20 Nude Scenes of 2004
The Best Nude Film Debuts of the 80s
The Best Nude Film Debuts of the 90s
Which actress has been the most convincing playing a stripper.
Who has the best bum in Hollywood?
Best All Time Television Comedy
Best Nudity in an Oscar-winning performance
The Top 20 Best Straight Sex Scenes

"Certain Fury" (1985)
Action starring Tatum O'Neal and Irene Cara as two babes on the run. Most famous for when Irene gets raped by a bare-assed Nicholas Campbell now known for Da Vinci's Inquest.

• Tatum O'Neal: bra-less pokies.
• Irene Cara: sort of full frontal in shower.
• Dawnlea Tait: cleavage in tight tank-top.
• Angie Tavahan: nude having junkie sex.

"Lucky Girl" (2001)
Released before Elisha starred in 24. A loan shark forces her to have sex with his wife (Victoria Snow of Paradise Falls).

• Elisha Cuthbert: brassiere after getting rescued by mother.
• Victoria Snow: feeling up a very reluctant Elisha.

"Dollman vs. Demonic Toys" (1993)
Graze-Z video horror.

• Melissa Behr: upskirt and brassiere getting ravaged by giant puppet. Mmm... beer.

Bliss III: episode Badness
The final episode of the season as well as the series.

• Zoie Palmer: brassiere as single female lawyer having sex.
• Adrianne Richards: brassiere having sex.

Godiva's: episode Fast and Loose
The final episode of season one but it appears to have been renewed for another season.

• Erin Karpluk: sexy exercising.
• Carmen Moore: sexy.
• Layla Alizada: slight cleavage.

"Wasted" (2002)
Lame anti-drug movie from MTV.

• Summer Phoenix: pokies.
• Brittney Irvin: sexy.

"She's Too Young" (2004)
Dumb teensploitation movie from the Lifetime network.

• Alexis Dziena: bathing suit.
• Megan Park: brassiere having sex.
• Miriam McDonald: sexy. She's best known from Degrassi: The Next Generation.
• Stephanie Gillie: partial boob having webcam sex.
• Unknown: bare back having sex.

"Bound Cargo" (2004) aka White Slave Virgins
The latest czechploitation to be released in the USA. Rena Riffel has lesbian sex with a half dozen Czech actresses.

• Rena Riffel: full frontal plus beavercam.

"Birth"
Birth is a good movie loaded with flaws. It moves way too slow. It wastes a lot of time on trivial dialog that doesn't bring anything to the party. The sound track, made up of heavy symphonic music, often overwhelms the story. Even so, the 2004 mystery/thriller has an intriguing storyline and a twisty ending that leaves a lot of questions unanswered, but keeps you thinking long after the movie is over.

A 10-year-old boy approaches a woman claiming to be her husband, dead 10 years. He knows things that only the husband would know. Although her skeptical family insists she send the boy away, she gradually becomes convinced that he is telling the truth.

The ending may leave you scratching your head for answers, but it definitely is thought provoking. This may well be the kind of movie that you watch more than once, getting something new from each watching. I don't like Nicole Kidman in brown hair, though.

Although the sex scene was fairly explicit, the filmmakers did everything they could to make it so dark as to be impossible to see, but even though it's bad, I had to cap it anyway.

• Nicole Kidman

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