|Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)
The Jacket (2005)
I think The Jacket is terrific, but I hold the minority view. It
received only about 40% positive reviews and died a rapid and
painful box office death.
Here is my review.
The commercial DVD contains a pleasant surprise. There is a much
longer version of the sex scene between Adrian Brody and Keira
- Keira Knightley from the film (1,
- Keira Knightley from the deleted scenes (1,
- The long version of the sex scene. (Including comments by the
director and Keira) (Zipped .wmv, 11 meg)
Manuel "Man" Thing, younger brother of Jose "Swamp"
Thing, is probably one of comicdom's greatest Latino characters.
OK, maybe not.
I've never read any Man-Thing comics, and this
movie, which is theoretically based on those comics, doesn't really
explain much about the origin of the Unjolly Green Giant. We know
that he is a guardian of the swamp, and his origin has something to
do with greedy, materialistic rednecks polluting his swamp.
I gather that he used to live in Crystal Lake,
because in the opening scene he kills a young couple after they have
sex in a remote place. Well, we don't see him, but we know he did
it. Trust me.
We also know that, in a movie named after him, he
does not make an appearance until approximately 1:15 into the story.
That may seem odd to you but, given that he looks like the offspring
of an octopus and some spinach (above), that was probably the
Before then, the movie is
a story about a new sheriff in some local backwater bayou town which
seems to be accessible only by boat. He is
investigating some mysterious murders, and getting caught in a turf
war between money-grubbing corporate movie rednecks and their sworn
movie enemies, movie hippies and movie Native Americans. Like all
movie Native Americans, these tribes possess the deep wisdom of
their ancestors, who used phrases like "spirit guardian" and "the
nexus of all reality." Sweet! I wish my ancestors had talked like
that, but they were Polish, and they were more comfortable with
terms like "accordion" and "7-10 split." There isn't much potential
for ancient wisdom there. I mean, can I call the time-space
continuum something like "the accordion of all reality" because it
collapses upon itself? No. It sounds silly. So it's pretty cool that
ancient Native Americans used four star vocab words like "nexus." In
their ancient wisdom, they were preparing for the verbal section of
the SATs generations before there was an SAT.
We have much to learn from them.
I do sometimes wonder why, with their ancient
wisdom and deep knowledge of vocabulary, they can't come up with a
more appropriate term for themselves than Native American. According
to the OED, I am also a native American - "Pertaining to, or
connected with, one by the fact of one having been born there; that
was the place or scene of one's birth, as in native country."
Yet, despite my native American status, I have neither
ancient wisdom nor fancy-schmancy SAT vocab words. I blame it on the
sea. You see, the ancestors of the Seminoles migrated to North
America from Asia via a land bridge, while mine migrated here from
Europe by boat. If it were not for Captain Fokkin' Stubing, I
too would have ancient wisdom. Just my damned luck.
Anyway, the point here is that movie Native
Americans have gone through an official political correction in the
past fifty years. In the 1950s, they were all evil, whoopin',
war-paint-wearin', firewater-drinkin' savages and we knew to root
against them because they raped and killed well-scrubbed, hard
working pioneers and their cute blonde children with perfect teeth.
After the metamorphosis, movie Native Americans now possess fancy
vocab and ancient wisdom from their ancestors, which their ancestors
in turn got from the hawk and the panther and SAT prep courses. We
know to root for them because they embody respect for nature
and never fail to oppose money-grubbing rednecks with toothless
Similarly, we know that all white Americans from
outside of Los Angeles are hard-cussing mobster Northerners or
toothless redneck Southerners who think about nothing but making
money. Just as all Native Americans in the movies are good, all
corporations in the movies are bad, despite the fact that most big
movies are made by corporations. It's a subset of the Mudd's Robot's
Paradox. In most businesses, making money is the raison d'etre. In
the movie business, making money is a bad thing.
As evidenced by the making of Man-Thing.
This film was lensed in 2003 with a production
budget estimated by various sources from $20 to $30 million. With a
budget like that there must once have been plans to release it
theatrically, but it languished on the shelves at Artisan until
their catalogue was acquired by Lion's Gate. Lion's Gate's
executives must have realized it was a total turkey, so they decided
to cut their losses and foisted it off on the Sci-Fi channel, which
is desperate for original programming.
Despite the massive cost, there is nobody in the
cast whom you have ever heard of or seen before, and probably nobody
you will ever hear from again, unless you are Australian. The only
semi-identifiable face belongs to veteran Aussie character actor
Jack Thompson, who plays the older of father and son bad guys. The
star, the sheriff who is trying to sort out the murders, is supposed
to be from Louisiana or some other swampy and all-American place
but, for reasons never explained by the script, he speaks with an
Australian accent. The rest of the characters in the film seem to
have learned their Louisiana dialects from endless viewings of
Vivien Leigh in A Streetcar Named Desire.
As for the tentacled spinach himself, Man-Thing's
best moment comes when he uses one of his many tentacles to whack
some guy in the man-thing. It must be what wrestling announcers
would call a trademark finishing move.
Bottom line? It's a monster movie with absolutely
nothing going for it except the actual monster. Moreover, the
monster itself looks cheesy, has no back story, and doesn't appear
on camera until the film is nearly over.
- Imogen Bailey (1,
"Google has recently filed a US patent which reveals a great deal
of how they rank your web site. Some of it you could never have
RollingStone.com: The Body & Soul of Jessica Alba
The trailer for Secuestro Express
- Every sixty minutes a person is abducted in Latin America.
70% of the victims do not survive. "Secuestro Express" is the
frightening story of one young couple's ordeal as they careen
through the underbelly of Caracas, Venezuela in the hands of
three thugs who've made them their latest payday.
- Daily Show:
"Guantanamo Baywatch. Please stop making us feel bad for
hijacker-guy. It kills the bloodlust."
The Daily Show's Ed Helms interviews the residents of Cape May, NJ
to discuss their divided stance on Speedos.
Terri Schiavo Autopsy Released - The Smoking Gun is there.
- Weekly World News:
America faces invasion by an armada of Nazi flying saucers --
launched from a secret underground base in Antarctica where
they've been housed since World War II!
High-ranking Kabbalah Centre officer Rabbi Eliyahu Yardeni - "the
Jews who died in the Holocaust perished because they weren't
Online gambling tycoons face jail threat in USA
- One more reason why Vince McMahon should be put in charge of
Teresa Heinz Kerry vs Rick Santorum. C'mon, nobody's
going to spend all that money on a PPV to see two bad guys
Lucas vs. Spielberg - The worst best friends in Hollywood.
Mike Tyson "bit my nipple" - an interview with
Howard Dean Angelina Jolie Kevin
Jackson accuser having 'difficult time' with verdict:
"'He's very down. He's having a difficult time understanding why
people didn't believe" his lies, and is reconsidering his career
A new-look Pope and a new Pope mobile Ya gotta love the
new Pope Safety Helmet.
73 percent say they would prefer to stay home and watch a movie on
their DVD player, VCR or on pay-per-view. Only 22 percent prefer
to watch films at a theater.
Harrison Ford's girlfriend to play Indiana Jones's girlfriend?
CHENEY OFFERS TO TRANSFER ALL GITMO DETAINEES TO HIS UNDISCLOSED
Something Awful reviews some of the worst fashion history has
inflicted upon man.
The Scientology welcome package for Katie Holmes
Tom Cruise isn't real clear on the facts. Scientology,
facts, and urban legends.
Jennifer Aniston says Brad Pitt cheated. "She told
(Vanity Fair) she did want babies with Brad, and that starting a
family wasn't the issue … The issue was Brad cheated…”
- Conan's quotables:
"In Illinois, a man wearing a Darth Vader mask robbed a movie
- Police said they could tell he was a 'Star Wars' fan because
after the holdup, he jumped into his parent's getaway car."
Fantastic Four - trailer #3
- Wackjob theory o' the day:
"The official story about the collapse of the WTC is 'bogus' and
that it is more likely that a controlled demolition destroyed the
Twin Towers "
Liz Hurley is planning a traditional Indian wedding and wants to
arrive on an elephant. Yup, just something small and
tasteful and away from the world's prying eyes.
Eddie Murphy has signed up to appear in Dreamgirls. He
will play James 'Thunder' Early in the film. The movie traces the
rise of three backing singers in a trio called The Dreamettes who
get their break while performing with James 'Thunder' Early."
Letterman's Top Ten Signs Your Neighbor is Batman.
"He's a recluse in a weird outfit with a young sidekick." ( OOPS!
Sorry, that's a sign your neighbor is Michael Jackson)
Terri Schiavo's half-sized brain doesn't change White House view.
In fact, they believe that in a great country like ours, anybody
with half a brain can grow up to be President.
'Ice-pick that killed Trotsky' found in Mexico after 65 years.
It was lodged in his skull. Boy, it's always the last place you
Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the
since it's sorta in real time.
to submit a URL for Other Crap
are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.
- The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the
review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
- If there is a white asterisk, it means that
there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined
there might be something else of interest.
- A blue asterisk indicates the review is written
by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
- If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too
ashamed to admit it.
NOTE: We currently have to do all of our movie files in zip format. Instead of viewing them online, save the zip files to your hard drive in the directory of your choice, un-zip and play from there.
'Caps and comments by the Ghost...
Here are a few non-nude pics and vids of Erica Eleniak in scenes from the movie "Strike Force" (aka "The Librarians") (2004).
This movie brings up an interesting question. Has a Heffer "gone bad" when she,
a) plays a stripper that doesn't strip, as in the case of Erica Eleniak in this movie.
b) actualy becomes a real life stripper and porn star like Teri Weigel?
- Erika Eleniak
- Erika Eleniak zipped .wmvs
'Caps and comments by Hankster:
Today we have a "Babe in Bondage" and a little "Hankster Light".
For our "Babe in "Bondage" today, we take the old Time Machine all the way back to 1974 for a jungle sleazefest called "Night of the Sorcerers".
When I first saw this movie years ago, it seemed pretty obvious that it must have been a chopped up print. Turns out that the heavy gore and nudity was only available in a Dutch version with subtitles. So what we have here is Barbara Rey tied up and having the clothing literally whipped of her body. This is a rather realistic scene which ends with her head being chopped off (I left that part out). Next time we will have another cute victim in a similar scene.
- Barbara Rey
For today's "Hankster Light"...here we have Amy Lynn Baxter winding up topless in a scene from "Absolute Aggression". This is a really bad movie. So bad that even fans of bad movies should avoid it at all costs.
- Amy Lynn Baxter
'Caps and comments by Dann:
My complaints about this 2005 horror flick have more to do with authenticity than the actual quality of the movie. I grew up in Florida years ago. I've been to the Everglades many times before they ruined it, I know what a real Florida native accent sounds like, and I've met and known several Seminole Indians. Although this film based on a comic was set in the glades, it was shot in Australia, and you could tell.
They got the glades totally wrong. It was indeed a swamp before man's meddling turned it dry, but not like it was shown in the movies....this looked more like a Louisiana swamp whereas the glades was known as the "River of Grass". They made the Seminoles look like western Indians, which they do not, and the accent was some horrible imagined Southern accent which doesn't sound like any Florida native I know (and I know a lot).
As for the plot, it tells of men who are in the swamp drilling for oil being attacked by a mysterious swamp-monster. This guy is no Swamp Thing; he's mean and murderous and sucks the life out of anything he touches. The brand-new Sheriff must try to figure out who (or what) is doing the killing while constantly being badgered by the evil owner of the oil drilling company. One nice touch....the owner's name is Schist, which sounds very much like the German word for shit.
I've never read the comic, but putting aside my problems with authenticity, this is an enjoyable B monster movie, and not much more. It's fun for the most part, but you could almost write the script before you see the scene. Nothing new, nothing different, and definitely not authentic.
|From the Aussie TV series "Last Man Standing", both ladies are briefly topless in scenes from two separate episodes.
|The Latina beauty in a triple B performance in scenes from the Mexican film "La Habitación azul" aka "The Blue Room" (2002).
|Thanks to Johnny Moronic for saving us from having to rent the comedy/romance "In Good Company". Here is Scarlett filling out some tops very nicely and showing a little bit o' leg while wearing a tennis skirt.
|Some very nice toplessness in scenes from the 1999 French movie, "Retour à Fonteyne".
|Yet another topless French beauty, this time in a love scene from "Accords et à cris" (2002).
|Montalà shows off her A-cups and cool striped hair in a scene from the Spanish movie "Fausto 5.0" (2001).
|One more French babe for the Euro-nudity collection. Here is Otero baring breasts and bum in several scenes, plus a little bit of bush as well (link #7). Scenes from "La Fille des nuages" (1996).
|Thanks to DeadLamb for these 'caps of former Heffer-turned soap star Kelly Monaco and former Supermodel-turned actress Rachel Hunter both wearing some skimpy outfits and shakin' their booties while guest starring on the new ABC series "Dancing with the Stars".
|Señor Skin gives us a little more in depth nude coverage of Bailey's toplessness in "Man-Thing".
|Pat Reeder www.comedy-wire.com
Pat's comments in yellow...
JACKSONS PITCHING REALITY SHOW
There's Already One: "COPS" - According to the Hollywood Reporter, the
Jackson family is pitching TV outlets on a six-episode reality series about them.
It would give an inside portrait of the oddball clan, and show how they rallied
around Michael during his trial. Industry insiders said that while celebrity
reality shows are big, the level of interest in the Jacksons is
But the level of debt they have is "unfathomable."
It's also questionable that anyone will be able to explain the concept of
"reality" to the Jacksons.
But it would appeal to viewers who thought the Osbournes just weren't
A TV show?! Think how many mothers would be bringing their kids around
KID ARRESTED FOR VOMITING ON TEACHER
Is His Name Chuck? - An unnamed 17-year-old at Olathe Northwest High School
in Olathe, Kansas, was charged with misdemeanor battery for throwing up on his
Spanish teacher. He was also expelled, and the school recommended he be sent
to an alternative school. The teacher called it "outrageous," and prosecutors
said it was intentional. But his dad says his son told him he didn't mean to
do it; he just got sick from the stress of final exams.
And from mixing wine, beer and tequila.
If he can vomit on cue, he needs to go to an acting school... Either that,
or the School of Rock.
If Spanish people heard the way that teacher from Kansas spoke Spanish,
they'd throw up too!
PAC-MAN TURNS 25
Leader Of The Pac - This month marks the 25th anniversary of the debut of
Pac-Man. Video game historians say Pac-Man was the first game in which a player
took on the persona of a living character instead of controlling inanimate
objects, such as missiles or paddles. Other trivia: Creator Toru Iwatani was
inspired by a pizza with a slice missing. And the original name in Japan was
"Puck-Man," but that was changed to "Pac" for the U.S. because of "Puck-Man's"
similarity to a four-letter profanity.
As in, "Oh, (BLEEP!), game over! Got another quarter?!"
Pac-Man was a round, inexplicably popular creature that devoured
everything in its path...It was the Rosie O'Donnell of the '80s.
We can thank Pac-Man for all the things video gamers have accomplished in
the past 25 years...which is nothing, basically.
WHY TERI HATCHER AVOIDS BIKINIS
I'm Desperate To See This - Teri Hatcher may be the envy of most women, but
she's not that pleased with her own body. She said she'll wear a swimsuit, but
never a bikini. Hatcher said, "Maybe 50 percent would say I look cute, but
the other 50 percent would say that my ass is a little droopy."
The 50 percent who would say that: women.
So go to the beach with Kirstie Alley; that'll shut 'em up.
|A quick site note
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