"Kill Cruise"

Kill Cruise (1990), aka Der Skipper, stars Jürgen Prochnow, Elizabeth Hurley and Patsy Kensit. Prochnow is a yacht owner who has turned to drink when his wife leaves him after her lover drowns at sea on Prochnow's yacht. Two bar entertainers (Hurley and Kensit) talk him into sailing them to Barbados. A triangle develops, and the journey is tense from the beginning. In case any of you want to see it, I will leave the plot at that, other than two say that it has a surprise ending that I didn't think fit with the rest of the film.

The DVD transfer was as bad as a weak VHS. The DVD was very difficult to find. Hurley does a strip in the bar, where we get peaks at her nipples. We also see a breast in a partially open shirt at sea. She also has two sex scenes with Prochnow, but the lighting and the transfer quality did not make for good images. There is nothing in the way of reviews on the net. IMDB readers have it at 4.7/10, with only 83 votes. The plot never really engaged me, the motivations for the two women are not especially clear, and the ending was one of those "You've got to be shitting me." That, coupled with the poor DVD transfer, and this is an E+.

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  • Elizabeth Hurley (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14)

    "Love Letters"

    Love Letters (1984) marks the first nude appearance by one of my personal favorites -- Jamie Lee Curtis. Not only did she get naked, she spent a lot of the film naked. She works as a DJ at the local public radio station, doing a classical music show. As the film opens, she is visiting her mother in the hospital. Her mother gives her an opal ring she has never seen, saying she wants Jamie to have it, and that she never could wear it anyway.

    Soon, her mother dies, and we find out more about the ring. Jamie is going through her mother's things, and finds a box of love letters from a boy friend Jamie knew nothing about. It seems the boyfriend had been totally devoted to her, but she was unwilling to leave her alcoholic husband and daughter, even though she loved the boyfriend. As Jamie is reading the letters, and learning things about her mother she never knew, and about the depth of love and devotion from the secret boyfriend, she starts an affair with a married man.

    We see Jamie in the bath, and later naked with the boyfriend several times. The transfer could be better, and the story is a little slow, dealing mostly with the emotions women feel both being married to a man who is having an affair, and sleeping with a married man. In that way, I think women will enjoy this one more than men. I perked up when Jamie's nipples were staring at me, but nearly dozed off the rest of the time. Jamie shows breasts several times, and buns in one pre sex scene.

    IMDB readers have this at 5.8 of 10. It scores 5.7 with men, and 7.4 with women. This 17 point differential is a clear chick flick indication. IMDB, for some reason, lists this as a thriller, but I would call it a romance. The proper grade is C-.

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  • Jamie Lee Curtis (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24)

  • Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)

    Happy New Year to those of you who celebrate it today.


    Reviews without pictures:

    Adaptation was one of my favorite movies of the year, surely will be in my Top 10 list if I ever make one. Ya gotta love a film where Meryl Streep is packin' heat and snortin' pulverized orchids to get high. These are new, from the DVD screener.

    Good thing I got to see Adaptation, because these next three movies were some hard viewin' .

    Psyclops is a no-budget film from a bunch of unknowns. Neither the film nor any cast members are found on IMDb. I suppose if I were in the film distribution or DVD mastering game, I would be happy to distribute films if they had a product cost of zero and I got to keep all the profit. Thousands of people would still give me product under those conditions, because everyone wants to be a filmmaker. I suppose this was distributed under a deal like that. It's a comedy/horror film shot on DV, and I'm guessing the budget was literally zero, because there are no actors in it. They sound like people in an 8th grade Christmas pageant. There is a woman in the cast (also a "producer") named Liz Hurley, but she's not THE Liz Hurley

    There is nudity.

    • Diane Di Gregorio (1, 2, 3, 4)

    • Katy Jordon (1, 2)


    Speaking of the real Liz Hurley, here is some more nudity from her in Double Whammy. The movie is lame, despite a pretty good cast, but the film has the one most important thing for any film to have, one thing that would improve any movie in history, including Battleship Potemkin - Liz Hurley's breasts.

    • La Liz (1, 2, 3)


    Watching Personal Velocity got me agitated. Poorly filmed, technically inept, and most of the film is some deadpan guy reciting short stories in voice-over. Beloved by critics, it scores a dreadful, Ed Woodian 3.6/10 from the top 1000 voters at IMDb. Parker Posey had a brief topless scene, but the quality of the film is so poor that (1) you can't tell it is Parker (2) you can't tell that you are looking at breasts. A complete waste of time, including my capture below.

    Winner of the competition at Sundance last year!!!


    Other crap:


    Here are the latest movie reviews available at

    • The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
    • If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
    • A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Lawdog or Junior or C2000 or Realist or ICMS or Mick Locke, or somebody else besides me)
    • If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

    'Caps and comments by Brainscan:

    Gave up scanning most fashion mags about the time I took up capping DVDs. One exception-- The Face. Good photography, pretty but not mainstream models and serious nekkidness. So serious that Mrs. Brainscan tells me the NY fashion community (which, lets face it, is the U.S. fashion community) is oft abuzz with how close the editorials in The Face approach the gratuitous and the explicit. Herewith a few examples.

    • An Oost topless but with a pair of interesting undies barely covering up bottom goodies.

    • Ciara Nugent, dressed but still lookin good.

    • Jamie Bochert showing breasts in 1, 3 and 4, bum in 6 and a whole hell of a lotta leg in 2. (1, 2, 3, 4)

    • Kristen Simpson, two breast views for the price of one.

    • And Lucy Brooker in perhaps the most controversial photoshoot of the year. See-thru breast exposure in 1, simulated oral sex in 2, a double grope in 3 & 4. Lucy is one very brave fashion model. (1, 2, 3, 4)

    'Caps and comments by Hankster:

    Happy New Year To One and All!

    A little sword and sorcery for New Years Day as we look at the recently released on DVD 1986 epic "Amazons". This is really not a good movie, but has that one redeeming quality, lots of nudity. Today we look at Windsor Taylor Randolph (aka Mindi Miller, Ty Randolph or Lisa Berenger) and Penelope Reed.

    First we see the girls as they take a swim (naked of course) and then scenes of Windsor fighting some bad guys and losing her top in the course of the action. Very athletic girl she is and does all of her own stunt work. A short movie at only 72 minutes but probably a good thing as there is not much of a plot to the whole thing. Next time we will show you even more nudity and some "Babes in Bondage".

    • Windsor Taylor Randolph (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10)

    • Penelope Reed (1, 2, 3, 4)

    'Caps and comments by Spaz:

    Thora Birch's parents? Any truth about this? It seems everyone in Hollywood is keeping their mouth shut.

    Here is Jack Birch humping Carol Connors from Deep Throat in the hardcore western "Sweet Savage" (1979). Later she tones down to an R-rated topless scene. The first 3 pics are very explicit.

    • Carol Connors (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

    Scorpion's Skinemax
    Brandy Davis
    (1, 2, 3)

    Toplessness, thong views, a hint of pubes and plenty of pseudo-sex in scenes from the late night series "Erotic Confessions".

    Janie Rau
    (1, 2)

    All 3 B's and sport humpin' from "Hotel Erotica".

    Jillian McWhirter Breast exposure in scenes from the series "Love Street".

    Kim Yates
    (1, 2, 3)

    Toplessness, pseudo-sex and full frontal nudity from episodes of the late night series "Erotic Confessions".

    Kira Reed Showing off her all natural big'uns in sex scenes from "Erotic Confessions".

    Lauren Hays
    (1, 2, 3)

    One of my favorite late night ladies showing off her near perfect robo-boobs and a great bum in scenes from an episode of "Erotic Confessions".

    Monique Parent
    (1, 2, 3)

    A whole lotta simu-sex and breast exposure (plus some pubes) in scenes from two episodes of the cable series "Hotel Erotica".

    Taimie Hannum Phony-fun-bags plus a bit of bum and bush as she gets it on in an episode of "The Pleasure Zone".

    Tane McClure Another pair of fake big'uns on display, and Tane also gives us a rare gyno peak.

    Ellen Ten Damme The Dutch actress bares her breasts in scenes from "Tatort - Filmriss" (2002).

    Mariella Ahrens Excellent topless and rear views in scenes from "Polizeiruf 110 - Heißkalte Liebe" (1997).

    Mia Sara Ferris Bueller's girlfriend and her implants in a shower scene from "Undertow" (1996).

    Lydie Denier The French actress and winner of a "Miss Legs International" pageant (1984) shows a bit of nipple and other forms of partial breast exposure in scenes from "Invasion of Privacy" (1992).

    Jenny Agutter The UK actress best known by many as Jessica 6 in the sci-fi classic "Logan's Run" (1976) doing a full frontal nude scene in "Equus" (1977).